Losing virginity in my early 30s, how to do it?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by LilD, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I agree it’s very hard to reboot while in a relationship. If you are already in one then that’s one thing. Please also know that many men no matter their age or level of sexual experience have some form of ED the first time they have sex with a new partner. Most often PE but I’ve also seen DE and ED. You are nervous and so are we.we ladies can just hide it better. Don’t think you are going to have sex like a P star the first time you are with a new partner or that she expects you to! And your other guy friends who tell you that they do are most likely liars. It’s funny the stories we ladies tell our female friends about first time sex with guys versus the story the same guy tells his male friend. I’m 40 been having sex with men since age 16 trust me.

    That being said when the ED continues beyond the first few times in whatever form then it does start to become a problem. ED and DE make us think you don’t find us attractive. PE makes us wonder if it will ever get better.
  2. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

    Do your friends and family know about your journey? Even if they do often they don’t really understand what you are dealing with and what is best for you, unless they have recovered from an addiction themselves. They mean well, and what single person, addict or not has not had family and friends push them to date? It’s totally a normal thing. They want the best for you. Personally I don’t think it’s a set number for everyone, but certainly the OP is not at a point where I could see any professional recommending that he date. I would say at least six months. But that does not mean you don’t talk to women an be in their prescence, that most often is positive than not. That being said for some the temptation is too much and it causes them to rush into relationships that they are not ready for causing disaster and lots of hurt, usually not just to himself but to t he other person. If you are trying to use a person to file the void left by addiction or worse to try to fix the addiction, you are not ready. When the addict mentality still shines through as strongly as it does for the OP then one is not ready to date. I cannot speak to you personally but would be happy to try. I think the biggest thing is to develop a solid foundation first, not focus on or rush into sex or sexual contact, being willing to be 100 percent open and honest about your addiction, whether it is in your past or present, and having the ability to consider her feelings and how your addiction could effect her, i. E. Replaces etc, rather than only considering your wants and needs.[/QUOTE]

    they absolutely do not know about my journey lol. I mean, i have 2 sisters who I do not believe are sexually active and both my parents are probably sexually frustrated with each other. I don't think I ever even had "the talk" from my parents. They are just expecting me to get married. I think my dad to this day is still semi embarrassed to sit down and talk to me about relationships with women. Part of me (my heart) wants to tell them, but then my brain kicks in and reminds me that this would just open up a can of worms that is not necessary. My parents are "old dogs" and we all know "you can't teach old dogs new tricks" - but thanks for the feedback/ and yeah we all must make sure we don't fill the void with someone else and someone else's feelings. I'm trying to fill the void myself with boxing and now attempting to skateboard. It's all about the foundation. I am open to being honest about everything but I don't know when and to whom.
  3. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Raise of hands anyone who KNOWS what is going on here. Anyone bothered to check OP's P history?

    To the OP, just keep chugging away, keep taking action, slowly you will figure this out.
  4. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    @PJT, more or less the same situation here. My family is 100% asexual, and nobody ever talked to me about relationships, romance, or sex. I guess at some point pornography was my "best" source of knowledge about those things.

    Thanks, man.

    Update on my progress:

    I sent her flowers and candies, it worked great. Also, we're going on a trip together soon. I am very nervous about that because I think it's when my first time will happen.
    tweeby likes this.
  5. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    So... It happened. :)
    I think I have a flatline, or maybe I was too tired and nervous, so I had zero erection. But I was ready for such scenario. ;) I did what I've seen in lesbian porn. I will omit the details, but she liked it. :cool:

    I am proud of myself now and very relieved.

    Thank you for your support guys!
    PJT, FullHouse3 and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  6. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut


    Keep refraining from PM, and everything should just straighten itself out in the future.
    LilD likes this.
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    So she was cool with your ED? If so that’s great I just hope it does not continue to happen. As someone who has been in her shoes it will need to improve. Good luck!
  8. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    @GG2002, yes, she was cool with that. I explained to her what PIED and flatline are, and she knows about my addiction and why I reboot. She said she prefers vaginal sex to cunnilingus and hopes my problem will be fixed soon, but she also mentioned that she enjoys the fact that I'm willing to please her orally because most of her previous sexual partners didn't do that to her, or didn't do that willingly/properly.

    Later, I asked if she was upset about that, she said it was okay. I also made sure to explain that it was not because she doesn't look good enough or anything like that. I think everything is clear to both of us. I feel like it's a good start.
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like almost verbatim what I said after my ex had issues the first few times we had sex. And I meant every word that i said. The issue was that I had no clue how hard it actually was to cope with with ED in a relationship, particularly with PIED as I had never dealt with either in my 20 years of dating. And I believed that it would improve. I liked the guy a lot otherwise and wanted it to work out! As time went on I tried to convince myself that I was okay with just oral sex a man that really focused on me. Funny thing is that once my ex stopped the porn he became one of the most selfish lovers I ever met. That guy who used to spend hours on oral did not even touch me. It became all about him getting off! Truth being he could not have an intimate connection the merging of the two would never work for him.

    I just started to realize how much I missed “normal “ sex and how his situation was killing my self esteem. In hindsight I was kidding myself for a long time thinking what he could provide was enough for me and if I had it to do over again I would have left after the 4th or 5th time he could not perform but of course I knew no better. If a man isn’t into me then or able to perform chances are it won’t get better and honestly no offense to you but I would not want that baggage now knowing what it entails. I would rather be alone than deal with that.

    I don’t say that to hurt you I know you really want to make this work and I feel deeply for what you are dealing with. I just want to impress upon you how important it is to get this fixed and hopefully give you a window into what she may experience. Of course all of us are different and some women may be perfectly fine with the situation you describe for life, that’s just not me. People have so many amazing characteristics that make a great relationship that have nothing to do with sex and sex is certainly not what sustains long term relationships. But it is what differentiates friendships from love. From what I’ve observed while great sex does not mean a great relationship bad sex or sexual dissatisfaction almost always means a bad relationship. It ruins a relationship it permeates every good aspect of the relationship and rips it apart. Good sex of course is different for every person. Some people also prioritize sex higher than others do as well. I personally always had a very high sex drive but many of my female friends would have no issue with sex every few months. Good luck to you!
  10. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Aaaand... she broke up with me. Ba-dum-tss!

    Long story short, she never liked me, but "tried to make things work", and they didn't work. She hoped she would fall in love with me if we dated for some time, but obviously, that was a bad idea. I was upset for the first few moments, but the longer I was talking to her the angrier I was getting. Now I'm relatively calm and disappointed.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry to hear this. Dating sucks! She was not the one for you but there is someone for you. In fact there are many someone’s for you and the longer you waste on people who are not right for you the less time you spend looking for the person that is. Head high upward and onward!
    LilD and superninjared like this.
  12. superninjared

    superninjared Fapstronaut

    Life is all about experiences, this is just another one of those moments that you should look back at and learn from. Take the time to reflect and then move on. Start with doing another 90 days, put the dating life on hold until you have done it. That is my opinion. And while you are doing the reboot work on your social skills, personality, confidence etc... Listen to audio books, read books, watch videos that teach you about having relationships and dating. Get a dating coach. Go to the gym work out. Im sure you already know this stuff. And then when you feel ready try the dating game again maybe this time you will have better luck. Its a numbers game after all.
    RedeemedIowan likes this.
  13. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Oh man that sucks, but I have a feeling this is not the end of this one. Trust me, she'll be back.
  14. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    @tweeby, I won't let her back. It was enough worrying about one girl, I'm done with her.
  15. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    It's up to you but just for the record a girl who "never liked you and just tried to make it work" will NOT let the other guy go down on her. EVER. She's just unsure about you ATM. Good luck.
  16. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Why do you think so? I think that our sex was her last attempt to make it work. I think she's pretty sure about me now, and that's why she broke up with me.
  17. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    This is probably why she'll be back. It's probably pretty rare to find a guy who will go down and do a good job at it trying to please a woman. You've made an impression on her. That experience will keep coming back to her mind.
  18. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    @Jason_Tesla_19, but if she doesn't really find me attractive or "her type", the whole experience was probably not as exciting for her as it was for me. I feel like she doesn't value sex too much anyway.
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  19. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Girls who are NOT interested won't even let you get to first base or give you the eons of chances you've had, trust me on this. No this girl thinks you're special, reaalllly special, perhaps this hasn't even registered - But, and this is the big but (no pun intended) she wants to see if you can stand up for yourself.

    To me this is just another one of her 'character assessment' tests.

    Her: Oh I never loved you I don't think this will work out.

    ^What do you think would be the best reply to that?

    I mean, it is up to you, but IMO this is far from over. But you could just as easily walk away if you think it is done.

    I know what I'd do ;)
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018
  20. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    @tweeby, you're an optimist. :D But you see, this whole time we dated I felt she was emotionally distant. Always on her phone when we're together alone, sleeping with her face away from me even after we had sex, never talking how she felt or what she thought. We were together only physically, but not emotionally. That made me feel very insecure even when things were going as I planned. I just felt like she's not liking it.

    Well, it's not that she hated me either. And I did a lot to gain her trust. I organized our trip, entertained her, paid for everything, did my best to seduce her. Maybe she just felt obligated to do something in return, or maybe she decided to reward me for all my hard work, you know. I don't want to think so, but it even might have been an act of pity on her part.

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