Loss of gender identity and sexual attraction.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Oct 17, 2020.

  1. I always identified as a male and had normal attraction to women, before the year 2017.

    After briefly dating a psychopath, I lost my attraction to women. I started associating sex and dating with the psycho. I also started masturbating every day (without porn). But I never could recreate the vivid fantasies I had before 2017.

    Then I started spending a lot of time on a certain Internet forum, which was full of redpill guys. I soon started despising them, and I disowned the male identity. As a teen I was bullied by some chavs. So the idea arose in my mind that being male means being like the chavs and redpillers - sexist, cynical, and authoritarian. But the forum had also many "gender-inclusive" members, which were much more likeable. I started identifying with them, and calling myself "agender".

    What can I do to recover my gender identity and attraction?
  2. What happened with this "psychopath"?
  3. Impulsive30

    Impulsive30 Fapstronaut

    I really think a therapist could help in your case...
  4. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

    It seems some bad shit happened with the psychopath, the chavs and the redpillers. Your perception of masculinity is negative to the point you're rejecting it. It sounds like you haven't had a lot of positive experiences.

    I think therapy would help. A positive male in your life (friend, mentor, etc) would also be good.

    I think a lot of men today are lacking good male role models and guidance so they don't learn how to be men in the right way. Real men are providers, orotectors, love deeply and are kind to their fellow humans.
    I'm The Chosen One likes this.
  5. sclguy

    sclguy Fapstronaut

    I've been in a toxic relationship, as well. But keep in mind that not all women are like that. Also keep in mind to stay away from redpillers, and that they are in no way any indication of how to live as a healthy adult human being.

    But as others have said before, you may need therapy in order to solve your problems.
  6. Hi Blazkovitz,
    try reading this book by Paul Coughlin. The title is "No More christian Nice Guy." It may not seem relevant at first to your situation. But I believe you would get great benefit from reading it.

    Good luck comrade!

  7. lonely_1

    lonely_1 Fapstronaut

    It seems like you have an aversion to both genders causing you to feel isolated from either. I think your best bet would be to visit a therapist.

    If you can't go to one or cant afford one, then I would start by exposing yourself to more people. Spend more time in public, hang out with some friends of both genders, just do anything to start to socialize with people.

    Also do you regularly spend time in public and socializing? Do you have problems socializing with people?
  8. I can relate, except that I think my toxic relationship with my own mother stopped me forming a proper gender identity and sexual attraction in the first place, but life isn't letting me rest till I get there.

    I'm interested as to whether you've got any insight or idea as to how the psychopath (narcissist?) you dated changed your identity. Can you identify the process in your mind/was there a definite turning point, or is it all vague and ill-defined?
  9. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

    I understand what you're saying. I've dealt with gender issues myself in my past, but right from my very childhood, not just a few years back, before which I might have had a kosher gender identity already formed like you had. I was lucky to untwist and get free from the worst of my self-perceived gender distortion, which only served to wound my own masculinity over my perceived hyper-identification with my inner "virtuous" femininity. It made me enslaved to PMO addiction very severely, since it was the only self-medication and sick/unproductive nurturance I could prescribe in trying to sooth my gender wounds. What you are proposing is rejecting/wounding both your inner masculinity and inner femininity together, which doesn't have to happen as yet and would only be a downfall for two great inner parts of yourself - the energies from which you engage the world and other people and "relate" to them. That's what sexual and gender identity does for us - allow us humans to "relate." Yet, you are considering locking both down, but where will you be then? It won't feel human, for sure.

    I don't think you really have lost your birth gender or opposite-sex attraction as you once had, but all the recent sick and degraded examples of both female and male maladapted types have developed a certain revulsion in you toward both. Plus, the humiliation and abuse from bullies is more an indictment against the bullies and their sick interpretation of what was anything but real masculinity, but I'm sure their understanding of masculinity was sick and broken, too. You're actually in a position to sympathize and forgive them, who were just as injured somewhere along the way as you have been recently. As for you, though, I might have been more worried about you if you masochistically just accepted all these sickly expressed versions of male and female. I think you need to separate yourself from their baggage, which is not your own baggage. I also think that you'd be continuing down a fruitless and more wounded path if you continue to consciously pursue "agenderism," further school yourself into it, and enter into an ongoing self-formation and indoctrination in such identity. That would be contrary to your original truth, and I think you just set yourself up for further levels of confusion and thereby even deeper addictions and fetishes to compensate for such self-embraced contradiction and wounding. Just don't go there. It would only be harder to untwist after the fact, if you'd even be able to do so at all. Best wishes!

    Last edited: Oct 21, 2020
  10. With regard to the psychopath, the uncounscious thought process might have been
    if sexual attraction made me date the psychopath, sexual attraction is bad and I decide not to experience it again
    since sexual attraction is a huge part of male identity, I no longer wanted to be male.

    I have some female friends, but I don't view them as sexual beings.

    The most astonishing part is how 2017 had such a huge "decision force", I literally felt like my brain rewiring. I feel like a different person than my pre-2017 self. So all positive experiences from before 2017 no longer counted. Another part is that I started masturbating more after the changes.

    I did some therapy, and still do from time to time. I consulted 3 different therapists, the best one was a woman but she has retired.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2020
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.

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