Lost Again.After 2 years.With no hope .Help will be liked

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by AsharKiller, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. AsharKiller

    AsharKiller Fapstronaut

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    I am posting my short failed story here.
    Before reading this try to keep in mind that everything is interelated. I will try to explain as best as i can. So i will keep it as short as i can. And also a short intro of myself. Just releasing my tention as their are not other sources . I cannot kill myself because it is useless.

    BIO
    Name = Ashar
    Family members = 2 (Mother and sister)
    Friends = no
    colleagues = yes
    Home Country=Pakistan
    City = Karachi
    INTRO
    Mother and sister and those who( support me financially not morally) are the only ones i have got after Allah and His Last Messenger (S.A.W).
    How every body is doing here? I just wanted to share my sad little story as i am completely crushed today and this will probably be the correct place as being a Muslim. I guess i will also post it somewhere else.
    STORY:
    I joined this group in 2016 start. The reason for joining was simply that i was crushed just like today. I hope every body here are aware of PMO addiction. I am not a PM addict. It was during my 15's 16's when it started. But still it was only once or twice a day.From the very first day i fapped accidently i started to pray ALLah that forgive me and i will not do it again.And it went like a normal life as every fapper here tells. But i fought like a mental person. I did everything (like counting days,maintaing a track,writing in a book,making a schedule) i could and i succeeded and i failed and a series went. But i classified it a different thing from love i mean to say that the bad thing is a boyfriend and a girlfriend and a good thing is a husband and a wife. Everytime i fapped i cried begged to Allah for mercy and fooled myself to feel weak both mentally and physically. Never tried to believe that M does not weaken the eyes ,reduce bicep size,make bones weak etc and blah. I belonged to lower middle family. My father struggled really really hard to earn a living. He was literally sacrificing his health.My m,other also supported him financially.He was a courageous person only believed in Allah. Things i wanted i waited for quite some time due to financial problems.Year 2014 My mother and father bought me a touch mobile as i wanted it. Seeing in the hands of my class mates. I bought it to play games. But it was quite a month or so i started to misuse it. And it was one day before eid (chand raat)(moon night) i watched and fapped. I cried broked my mobile . I was so guilty and shamed that i had to share it with my father otherwise it would have killed me.. I told himI was thinking that my father would be shocked of hearing this but I was shocked when he said that evrybody do that . He said it is ok if you do it in a month or so but I said i relapsed after 3 months but i don't want to do it anymore it is destroying me. He said he already knew that i was doing it but he never let me know. I was some how relieved and hopeful that now i will be completely free as he said that he will bring me a medicine to stop my uirges. . But it was 15 days after he died of heart stroke suddenly. I was not able to believe how it happened all of a sudden. It was 4 days before we celeberated his birthday. We moved to His sister's house. I was lifeless. But when it comes to PM nothing can stop that ugly shit. I relapsed again after 10 days and again maybe twice or so. We moved to our home country . Relapsed again. For the first time made an admission in co education college . Spotted a girl started to like her But was unaware that i was doing wrong in the light of islam. But things started to change.Fell in love.Never had the urge to relapse.Tried to approach her . She never replied. As always happened with a dumb person. Near the end of the college session nearly after 6 months she complained to the higher authority . I was insulted infront of her entire class. Abandoned college for a week . Relapsed. And it was then i was crushed and joined NoFap Year 2016. Had a new hope as there was no one to help . Went straight 2.5 months clean. Relapsed and then went 2 months clean and then again relapsed. I was hopeless as NoFap was not helping . It was due to the fact the current day i fapped i was full of emotions but as soon as the day when i fapped becomes older emotions and go down and practical life grows and suddenly a breaking point is reached where relapse occurs. There must be a perfect balance. So i decided to share this action with my mom. I told her like this "I watch bad and fapp i liked a girl and she insuled and that's why i fapped".I was nervous to tell but somehow i managed to explain. She took me to a doctor,recieved medicine and adviced me to go to my area's masjid's imam and seek advice. I went recieved consultations and ayats to recite. I relapsed after 1 month but then it worked and i went straight 1 year clean. Forgot NoFap. Believed i was completely free. But the truth was that i was never . Ok so it was 2017 i joined a university . Spotted a girl. Started to love her. It was somehow constructed in my thinking to like girl not because of her beauty but because of her soul. In both, i found nothing but a feeling as a husband has towards his wife. So.... She was senior.Only tried to approach her electronically. Was scared of the previous experience. She never replied. Blocked 3 times. Relpased . What the heck am i crazy i ruined my 1 year cleanliness . So now things changed . Love travelled along with fapping in me. I believed if i could achieve love i will stop relapsing foreever. I felt greatness in love. Because i was devoid of bad urges in the state of love. I tried my best to impress her electronically. By physically spotting infront of her. Relapsing continued . Started excercising to imporve my physique. But still after 2 or 3 months i fapped.
    In the mean time i improved my maturity.As i was getting attractive. Lowered my gaze though girls started to observe me more.I learned that it even sighting a women is a sin. And having a bad feeling is a more sin.Started to pray 4 times in mosque.Recing Quran weekly.Understanding Islam. Went on an umrah. I am still ashamed that i only asked Allah during Umrah that I want to marry that girl. And f she was not meant for me then let me forget her. I was acting very childishly.I should have asked something more precious .Like complete freedom for PM.And after Umrah trip the very next day I relpased. And this relapse was after 4 months. I was shocked,dishearted.Wnated to completely forget everything that led me to it. And this was the turning point when i came to know something real. It was her. The thing i was thinking of would make achieve complete freedom actually was a reason of relapse. No no you don't get my point what i am trying to say is that if don't want to relapse then i have to keep my eyes away from women. Ultimatley marriage is a remedy to this. So it does not make a male stop relapsing but provides a better halal way. So i guess people here got my point. I made a commitement that i will never ever sight or like a women ever again. But shaitan doe'nt wants me to achieve good. That girls is incorporated into my brain as hell.
    .And know it is been 1.7 years , today i woke up in the morning i somehow came to know yesterday(Friday) that today (Saturday) is not going to be good for me So i begged and cried yesterday. But as i woke up , Was having great urge(i don't know the nature urges have changed during the recent year they are odd not very lusting but heavy) was trying to study skipped breakfast watched bad had a prayer tried to study skipped meal watched bad and finally relapsed after 1.5 hours of watching bad and destroying my eyes infact i did not enjoyed watching it as a mature person but it was 'i am too late' feeling that made me relapsed. Texted her to say yes or no to my marriage proposal (last text message was 5 months ago) and she said she will block me . I felt completely helpless as there was literally nothing that could drag me out of it. I believe completely in Allah as all muslims does. But there is a saying 'ALLah only helps those who help themselves'.But in such a situation it is really really hard for me to help myself. My sister and my mother are my only best friends. And it is really a shame thing to have such a habit. My backbone is paining like being hit by a hammer.I have lost my biceps size due to tension i have been taking . Not feeling so hungry which is bad sign. Will require 1 week to become normal. But things don't change. Nothing creates a difference..
     

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  2. AsharKiller

    AsharKiller Fapstronaut

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    Day 1 And feeling really crushed and dishearted after living a short life of happiness .Was not even able to wake up in the morning . Just to give up my malery as i don't want to suffer anymore. Also don't want to go to university. My mind is corrupted. I am constantly loosing by biceps size due to intense amount of tension i am taking. The tension is not about what i did yesterday . It is about i have to fight it again and suffer the pain which i suffererd when i fought it to acheive freedom. It was worse than a mental asylum. I just want to give up. I can live my life alone with no wife no kids . Just this male shit leave me . ANd i will be the happiest human on earth.
     

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