Lost everything in my life in three years long story, advice welcomed

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Godar123, Mar 28, 2019.

  1. Godar123

    Godar123 Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys!

    here my story and let's see if you guys can give me your opinion.
    my story begins when i was 13. I thought porn was bad so I did not watch it until one day i i did because kids at my school were always talking about it. From there,my life went downhill. The first time I watched it was the best thing. i got hooked from the beignning, I would watch P all the time. This went for about 5 years. During this years, I never dated anyone and lost my Vcard to one of my friend's cousin. Let's say she was not pretty at all. I did not even liked her. I just wanted to have sex. However, my first 3 times went bad because I could not fully get an erection. Now I can tell I had low self steem because she would continue having sex with me even if it was terrible and I would have sex with her even if I did not find her attractive.
    I started university right after that summer and my P habits did not go away. In university i befriended bad people that would act like total jerks to woman and I started acting like that. I also used to have this terrible habit of lying about who i am. I told my friends I had sexual relationship with other woman that I did not. I faked having a romantic relationship with this girl i only was friend's with and i treated this other girl extremely rude oftenly.
    For some reason, this beautiful woman in one of my classes gave me a chance and we started dating. From the beginning, I lied to her, about my marks about drinking and smoking weed and watching porn. A lot of times, i would be in tinder and i cheated on her one day after breaking up. However, I also had a seizure that night and told her about it and she decided to take me back even after knowing I cheated. I was okay with tinder thing before realizing it was bad because my friends were doing it. me and this girl started dating, we loved each other so much. most of the time we would cuddle and make out. but our relationship was a secret. after a while, I posted a picture of us and her parents found and kicked her out and she came to live with me for three days. her parents and i and her had a meeting and after realizing she was too young to move out. I told her to just go back with them. however, we could not communicate anymore with her so her friend helped us out. while we were in this process of being communicated by her friend. I slept with this woman. when the year started, we secretively started dating again however i did not tell her about my fling in the summer because i thought it did not count since we were not really dating but we were talking, i see why that is wrong.
    we dated the entire ear and we would fight, that year i got addicted to marihuana, i smoked every day, i had a presidency positiion in a club and it was stressful. i would also watch porn all the time and lie about both things to my girlfriend. that was also the year, she gave me her v card. it was special for her because she wanted to give it to the guy she marries and i feel i was selfish knowing this and knowing my problems. sex was awful, i could get it up at this point, it was so bad. she felt i did not like her. on top of this i cheated on her when i wet out.

    se forgave and we got back togther however her trust was broken and she would not allowed me to go out. since then the relationship chnaged. she would be so hostile to me because of what i did. that summer we broke up and i told her to move on because i needed to solve my issues. i realized my pmo problems and started and sicovered this website. i did not talk to her but eventually we talked again and we were like a thing. when school started for my third year, i met her and we started dating again. but before that one day i was feeling so impulsive and i went on grinder and sucked a man s dick on the forest. one week before getting back togther. i was broken. i was not gay but i was having this impulses. when we got back togther, things were a little better but i would still lie about my relapses and the gay bj to her and also about me drinking and going out to parties. during my third year i went to cuba and cheated on her. i decided not to tell her because i felt she would be too sad. at this point i thought i would never be the same and that i was just messed up. our relationship progressed and i told her that she would have t move out because if not we could not continue the relationship specially because her brother was starting uni and it would be hard to hide the relationship. she decided to move out and it was hard but she did ot know i cheated on her. now i see why this was so selfish and bad of me. on my fourth year during my intership. we were having so many fights and we were so miserable and one day she opened my diary and say my confession of cheating on her in cuba and sucking some man s dick. it was fucked. somehow she forgave me even after i said pls dont. i thought it was a good idea. on december she found out all the other stuff i did not tell her and she was even more broken. two weeks ago we broke. she realize that a lot of time i was coercive during sex and now she is broken. i am taking the steps to chnage cause i cannot live with this. i am also helping her financially cause i made her move out.
     
  2. Myfortress

    Myfortress Fapstronaut

    This is a good place to get better. Welcome.
     
  3. Godar123

    Godar123 Fapstronaut

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    thank you man, tbh i feel so bad with what i have done. i cannot take it. how does someone get better after being such an asshole. how
     
  4. JohnnyWho

    JohnnyWho Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    Sorry to hear about your experience. There are lots of things that I look back on and wish that I could do over. The good news is that it sounds like you are fairly young and you have identified the problem. Not only that, but you seem to have a desire to fix the problem.

    It might benefit you to get in a support group for sex addiction, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous. Based off of what I read in your story, it sounds like you have a hard time saying "no" to yourself when it comes to casual sex and random hookups, despite the fact that it ruins the relationships you are in. I would highly encourage you to look into one of these programs, as I believe that having the community of other people that you know helps lead to recovery.

    Anyways, I'm really glad that you are here, man, and glad that you are wanting to take the steps to recover.
     
    Myfortress likes this.
  5. Godar123

    Godar123 Fapstronaut

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    thank yo so much, i decided to do that, i afraid to go to sex addicts anonymous because i am extremely ashame of who i am. I do not know if i am that addicted to sex because i noticed that i am easely influenced by others and a lot of times i did things because i was told they were okay. i have a tendency to try to please others and i am easely influenced. i have conflict knowing if i am a sex addict because when i was doing this things, i did not even think they were that bad until later. for example the cuba thing, even my buddy thought it was not a big deal. but now i know it was terrible. many of this things happened and at the time i did not even realize how bad they were. regardless, i am going to stay single for a while, fix my problem and try to go to sex addicts anonymous.
     
  6. JohnnyWho

    JohnnyWho Fapstronaut

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    That's a good choice. And I want to let you know that there will be a part of you that will try to convince you not to walk into one of those meetings because of the "shame." Do NOT listen to it. People in SAA are incredibly inviting because they understand the struggle and the toll that it takes. Also, not to make anybody feel "holier than thou," but your case is considered fairly mild compared to some of the other people who walk into those meetings. You will most likely hear stories of people spending hundreds of dollars every week on prostitutes, people addicted to group sex, etc. But whether it's addiction to porn, to exhibitionism, or what have you, the purpose of a program like this is to help everyone recover.
     
  7. [QUOTE = "JohnnyWho, post: 1972873, miembro: 312299"] Esa es una buena opción. Y quiero hacerles saber que habrá una parte de ustedes que tratará de convencerlos de que no asistan a una de esas reuniones debido a la "vergüenza". NO lo escuches. Las personas en SAA son increíblemente atractivas porque entienden la lucha y el costo que esto conlleva. Además, no haga que nadie se sienta "más santo que usted", pero su caso se considera bastante moderado en comparación con otras personas que asisten a esas reuniones. Lo más probable es que escuche historias de personas que gastan cientos de dólares cada semana en prostitutas, personas adictas al sexo en grupo, etc. Pero si se trata de adicción al porno, al exhibicionismo, o lo que sea, el propósito de un programa como este es ayudar Todos se recuperan. [/ CITA]
    Ho alguien me explica como funciona esto
     

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