Lost in a soggy dream

Hello everyone. I'm giving this a proper go.

I'm 36 and wreaked with self-doubt and insecurity.

After finally losing my virginity at the age of 30 and having a couple of girlfriends, I can safely say I am bad at sex. I have never successfully ejaculated in a woman. Sex does not feel enjoyable, it's a chore and I'm completely unable to immerse myself in it. Girls say they can tell I'm not into it, they want to quit midway. Then comes her questioning 'is it because of my body?'. Relationships are avoided as I don't want the tears again. At least this way there is only one person crying, not two.

I found the only way to get gratification is to indulge in online fantasy. Sexual acts hold little appeal to me, so rather than watch porn I use chatrooms, catfishing sometimes with multiple accounts set up, creating an intricate work of fiction where I can use my characters and play them off against unsuspecting people, and each other, tapping into triggers that make me aroused. I've mastered it. The poor people who get caught up in it, the poor people who's pictures I use. I'm not proud, but it detaches me from the real world and takes up my entire day off and every evening. I can't even expect anyone to relate to this, because I know how tragic an activity it is. Yes, I masturbate most times. Sometimes I'm engaged in the fantasy so much that I forget, becoming annoyed with the chatroom users for not saying the right things.

My addiction wastes my time and alienates me from the real world. Everyday when I come home from work I will climb into bed and become who I want in my head. At 10pm I climb out, play some Xbox and fall asleep. Repeat. It stops me worrying about my future, my underachievement and, for a long time, my bully of a boss (thankfully now gone forever!)

In my every day life I'm seen as witty and creative, but I'm also painfully shy around new people and, in particular, I come out of social events feeling very envious of those seemingly at ease. Going to friend's weddings is torture and seeing cousins and colleagues getting engaged and having babies makes me not happy but sick with jealousy.

A week ago today I stopped it all. I had one last wank and I deleted every profile, every picture, every app that I could use to get my rocks off. I want to utilise my time properly, I want to have a girlfriend, a wife even, and have some kids. I want my parents to see my kids before they die. I want to live a life I can be proud of.

I hope this site, this way of life and this community can help me.