Lost, looking for help to make it right

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by LonelyRider, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. LonelyRider

    LonelyRider Fapstronaut

    I used to think our marriage could survive everything. We've been through so much in 6 years, my wife and I, that I really believed the idea of "for better or worse." The problem was, this addiction was always hiding in the darkest corner of our marriage, and didn't reveal itself until recently. Now we've got a 2 year old, and our second kid on the way, and on top of it I'm neck deep in paperwork to leave the military. I decided on that because I was tired of losing time with my family for a job that wasn't giving back. I want to be with my wife and kids, plain and simple.

    Now that this whole issue has revealed itself, I wonder if that's even possible. My own guilt and shame is telling me I don't deserve my wife or kids, that they'd be better off without me, that pretty much everyone would really. On the other hand, I'm also fully aware how much my wife is hurting, and I want to fix that, I want to find a way to make all of this right. I've been told I'm too lost in my own guilt and shame to understand how she's feeling, but I don't believe that's true. I feel the pain I've caused, I can sense it, and I don't know how to fix it. Especially right now, with our second kid due in a couple weeks, I don't know if I'm able to do anything to fix any part of this situation because there's too much other stress present from everything else.

    I'm struggling right now with something we talked about yesterday, where she said part of her doesn't want to talk to me again until after the birth of our daughter. I tried over the course of the afternoon to convince her that wasn't necessary, that I'd do everything in my power to keep this from pulling her down, and that I couldn't bear the thought of not talking to her for that long. My fear is it'll do irreparable damage to our marriage. On the other hand, I realize she's in no place to deal with this right now. Her stress level is already too high, and dealing with my recovery may be just too much for her to handle. Part of me thinks that decision has to be on me, to stop talking to her now, force her hand, make her focus on herself and our kids at least until I visit later this month for our daughter's birth. Then we can sit down and try to deal with this issue face to face, and really get some progress made. I feel guilty though, basically shoving her out of my recovery, even if I do believe it could be the best thing for her and our kids. And who says it doesn't become permanent? I push her out right now, and it starts a permanent spiral of decay of our marriage that can't be recovered from? I don't know what to do, and I need some guidance to get through this in one piece.
    JME101 likes this.
  2. JME101

    JME101 Fapstronaut

    My wife, is having a hard time looking at herself as being stupid for not seeing it, I am getting help on Tuesday , she is going with me, I hope it helps us. Keep trying do not give up hope!
    BBWolf000 likes this.
  3. @LonelyRider: I hear so many similarities between your story in mine .. I think I might be around 6 months ahead of you as my dday was June 1.

    I just found NoFap 8 days ago...and I have read a ton and learned a lot (and have A LOT more to go). One thing I have seen is everyone's circumstances are unique to them / different SO's react in different ways. I can tell you what my last 6 months has looked like:
    * June was me barely surviving .. and honestly, I was too clingy and needy as I was processing things and wanting to process them with my wife, and all she wanted was space

    * July, my wife went back to the States (we are currently in Europe)...so we had forced-time apart. It was difficult for me dealing with what I was processing and also taking care of 4 kids and working full-time. But I did a lot of initial-growing and changing in this month.

    * August, my wife came back..and I thought some semblance of healing might be able to start. I was wrong. My wife was still figuring out how to deal with everything. She very quickly established a no-touch boundary in August...which I did not do a perfect job of honoring and had to be reminded of a couple times over ~6 weeks.

    * Sep-Oct, more of the same as August. By the end of October, my wife and kids moved back to the States......the move to Europe was short-lived (we moved here in Jan), very much due to the PA coming out. I will be moving back end of Jan.

    * Nov, all by myself in Europe, it's been difficult....but also a time of growth and understanding the realities of PA and how long the process is to battle and overcome PA.

    I am thankful that I am going home for Christmas for a couple weeks...seeing my wife and kids / staying with them / being with them. I'm not 100% sure how things will go between my wife and I. But time will tell.


    For you @LonelyRider, it sounds like your wife needs some space to think and process everything...and with a new little one coming soon, it must be very difficult for her to deal with it all. My advice is give her space.

    Also, expect this whole process to take a long time. Back in June/July, I had crazy ideas how this all might unfold over the course of a month or a few months....and how our marriage would be restored to happiness in about that amount of time. I have read and learned that recovery from PA and redeeming a marriage saturated by PA takes time .. a lot of time. I've been married for 20 years .. with secret PA for the entire time .. how could I possibly think everything would be better in 3 months or 6 months??

    So .. Be. Patient. Read a lot .. start a daily journal .. find an accountability partner .. actually install porn-blocking software on your laptop AND OpenDNS filtering on your home WiFi. Do these things / give your wife the space she needs / focus on yourself and your PA. I know it's hard when our wives our hurting...but sometimes, especially early on, it is very loving to give our hurting spouses the room to process things.
    Sadgirl and LonelyRider like this.
  4. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry your experiencing this. This video helped address this issue for me early on:

    Watch it and you’ll see what I mean
    LonelyRider likes this.
  5. LonelyRider

    LonelyRider Fapstronaut

    That's good stuff. I'll be honest, I was an emotional wreck through the whole thing, for many reasons.
  6. "emotional wreck" is par for the course...that's a much better reaction than ignoring the situation or running away from the situation.

    Just take it one day at a time .. and really follow the steps of coming up with a game plan to stop yourself from viewing porn. Your instincts and addiction/drive will push you to porn as things get more difficult. While you have the strength to do what is right, setup protection for yourself, i.e. install porn-blocking software on your laptop + install openDNS on your home WiFi router.

    I installed Sophos Home (https://cloud.sophos.com/manage/home) .. it's free and once you turn on the Web Filtering and disable Porn, it does a pretty good job. (OpenDNS is also free...but takes some configuration of your home router--and takes about 24 hours to fully kick in)

    Take action .. against porn. That is step #1.
    Sadgirl and LonelyRider like this.
  7. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

    @LonelyRider: I guess the fact that you are physically apart isn't helping, and I can see how your wife may not want to talk with you until she sees you. Communication face-to-face has so many benefits that it may be for the better. And there are so many things you can do on your own in this situation. You have more than plenty of time to think things through and come up with a plan for YOU. Read the forum, see how other SOs are feeling and maybe it will give you some hints on what to avoid and how to proceed once you are together again. You should know what you want from your relationship and what your expectations are. You should work things through in your head.
    Bear in mind that she is at a very vulnerable point - she probably feels tired, apprehensive, unattractive and exhausted just with the pregnancy. So dealing with your PMO may well not be on the list of her priorities.
    Like you, my husband has been addicted since long before he even met me. It is a very difficult situation to be in, as I suddenly felt as if I was lied to. Tricked into marrying him. As if the whole 10 years we've been together was absolutely worthless, with him lying to me every single day. It's been a month or two since our Dday and I think I am still just shocked. I can't name my feelings. I can't even FEEL my feelings. And it's not easy to focus when there are other things going on - in your wife's case it's the baby coming. In mine - well, I have two young kids, my studies, work... It all gets in the way and I keep struggling with finding space to actually move on and focus on the skeleton I took out of the closet. So it's just sitting there in the corner - I know it's there, but I'm still not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure how to handle it. And it doesn't help that my husband is acting as if the skeleton was out and gone for good, so maybe it would be an idea to keep reminding your wife - in writing, if she doesn't want to talk - that you are there for her, that you realize how confused, angry and betrayed she feels. And that you are prepared to do whatever it takes - but only if you really are. I would also strongly suggest some sort of therapy for her, as she will most likely need it anyway, sooner or later.
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017

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