Lost my wife to porn

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DaveBuznik, Apr 9, 2016.

  1. DaveBuznik

    DaveBuznik New Fapstronaut

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    So, here I am. I had the perfect marriage and I've wrecked it with porn. Took the easy way to "pleasure" and lost contact with the real world and my wife. I always assumed that everyone masturbated. I assumed I was normal and masturbated the "normal" amount. For me that was once a day. On a good day maybe twice. I got into internet porn and was lost in a world of endless clips and scenarios. Staying up later and later to watch more videos. Lying to my wife to come up with an excuse to go to the guest room for the night - just to watch hours of porn. While I didn't think THIS behavior was normal, I keep coming up with justifications and looking forward to the time at night as my "Special Time" that I deserved. Well, I started staying up so late I wouldn't stay awake during the day and I would fall asleep on my wife during our time together at night. It degraded and degraded, until my wife was worried about me physically, because I couldn't stay awake. Well, sure enough, the doctor told me my testosterone was critically low. My porn habit was revealed to my wife - who was amazing. She did everything she could to make it better - offering sex at any time - dressing sexy - anything she could think to do to "bring me back" from the porn. She is gorgeous and I am turned on by her for real. But after all the distance and porn - I found myself unable to connect to my wife because she was a real person. Who is looking back at you when you are having sex - like real people do. While my dick would get hard for porn - it was a struggle to get it up and keep it up with my wife. Of course, she felt it was because I wasn't attracted to her. How could she think anything else. I tried to explain it, but I was just coming to terms with it muself and I did a really bad job of taking care of her. She did everything she could and I would rage and cry and blame and explain. Anything but take care of her. Idiot. She found out about NoFap and showed me. I figured I could do all by myself - how hard could it be. After a really bad screaming fit on my part, I ended up out of our house at a rental and this is where I was going to make a change and stop masturbating and watching porn. Away from her and away from any way to show her I was walking the straight and narrow. Genius! And sure enough, I did. I was surprised at how easy it was. I was focused and it seemed that it was going great. I would talk to my wife and tell her how great it was going. She would ask, "how many days?" I told her I didn't count days. I had no idea. And I didn't. I was basically ignoring what I was doing and not thinking about. If I counted days, I would have to deal and there was no way I was going to do that. Well, the act of NOT masturbating did wonders for my dick and I was getting hard-ons in the morning again. I was FEELING things. It became sensitive again. 33 days in I masturbated and was amazed at different it was. There was such a difference I knew that reseting was real and I could see a way to fix things with my wife. I got cocky and thought that I could just masturbate less and it would be the same thing. I started to make up my own rules and it just fell apart. Since I wasn't dealing with my emotions - I wasn't emotionally there with my wife and with my life. It didn't work. After a reconciliation where we were together I still didn't take care of her emotions and never initiated sex. I've always waited for her to initiate. It takes the pressure off. It's also selfish and protects me - but makes my wife feel undesired and begging for sex. Asshole. So after a period of some recovery, I fucked it all up and spiraled back to porn and masturbation and a stay a hotel away from my wife. This time I was indulging and angry. So bad. A week later we got together and during a night long of talking we "connected"- eyes locked and I was right there. I was having sex with my wife and it was the BEST anything has ever felt. It was the trust and openness that was new and amazing for me. However, my dick was not on board - because I had masturbated so much. I was not hard for my wife - I was "There" but my dick wasn't. She felt betrayed. She wants a hard dick - makes sense. I let her down. Again. So here I am, it's now day 3 of no masturbation, no porn. Tonight was difficult so I started writing on NoFap - trying to be accountable. My wife called and we talked all night again. That made it easy not to masturbate when I went to bed. I am finishing this post on the morning after I started it. Mainly because I have a problem with follow through. I know that no masturbation and no porn will reset me and this time I will face the emotions that come up. Sadly, I think I fucked around too long and have lost my wife.
     
    Chiaro, kcarahcaz, Seagull and 2 others like this.
  2. As a wife, I can say, if you had lost her already, she would be gone. You would be out. She wouldn't be calling, she wouldn't be helping, she would say "good riddance, I'm done with this crap," and she would move on. You haven't lost her if she's still in your life. Its easier to run away and give up and not have to deal with that stuff anymore. If she's still in this with you, it's for a reason, and the reason is that she loves you and deep down, even if she doesn't feel it right now, she wants this to work. If she didnt, she wouldn't go through the effort of trying when giving up is far easier. There's always a chance, and if you get serious about this and change, I believe you two can find happiness together again. It could even make your relationship stronger.
     
    Law, Sojourner, kcarahcaz and 5 others like this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear how your addiction has led you lose almost everything. Although you think you lost your wife, you can still fight to get better. Until she says you're done, then there's hope.

    As addicts, we use porn to alter our moods or to control our emotions. We chase that elusive feeling of happiness when we PMO. If we do it long enough it becomes our 'go to' source of comfort. We use it so much that we form a relationship with it. And it slowly replaces all the real world relationships we have. Our feelings of shame and guilt isolates us from others and foolishly makes us think we can get better on our own. This addiction is too strong for one person to fight on their own.

    From your post I can see that you had a nice streak of 33 days, but then you relapsed. Sounds like you started listening to the little voices in your head that beg you to compromise... to give in... to take a peek... etc. There is a physical side to recovery and a mental one too. Our brains play mind tricks on us. If the same emotional triggers are there then the brain is going to seek comfort in our old addiction. Have you learned what your triggers are? Have you thought about what feelings you're medicating with porn? Are you using it to escape?

    You've written how your wife has been involved in your recovery, but has been disappointed by some failed sexual encounters. I think the anger that comes from that is not your sexual performance, but a reminder of her feelings of anger, betrayal, and damaged self-esteem. Our wives will put up with our poor sexual performance if they know we are working on getting better, working on the relationship, and are open and honest about our feelings and theirs. You've acknowledged that you've been neglectful of her needs. Repairing your relationship is just as important as repairing yourself.

    When relationships are damaged as badly as ours, we have to go back to the beginning. We have to rebuild the foundations of our relationship. It's almost like we have to date our wives again and treat them like a girlfriend. We have to build and reestablish trust. The same kind of openness and honesty will help you feel reconnected. Don't just talk about your side of recovery, but discovery what your addiction has done to her and how it has made her feel. Then address those feelings. Jumping straight to sex without the emotional foundation has led to failure.

    Recovery takes a long time. We have to work on getting better every day. Feel bad, but don't let it make you quit. Use it as motivation to get better. Let us know how thing are going.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  4. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

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    I find that pornography really messes with our mind. Once we start getting into porn you probably might start to find that a lot of things we see with our eyes become a potential trigger leading to PMO.

    Have you considered listing down all possible sources of triggers and eliminating it from your life? Also, night time is when I find we are the most vulnerable so it would be great if your wife would stay together with you at night time to help keep you in line.

    Have you considered the hardcore 90 day NO PMO challenge? It really is a no bullcrap no excuse challenge.

    You are indeed lucky to have a partner who wants to join the battle with you against porn and stopping PMO.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
    Sojourner and Samsonite316 like this.
  5. Nom De Plume

    Nom De Plume Fapstronaut

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    I don't have much to add that wasn't better said already, I just want to say you've come to the right place for help and support and don't give up.
    Nom
     
  6. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I took some comfort in this. I am on the verge of losing my wife, but trying everything I can (which at the moment is doing nothing, and consulting my therapist and two priests, while deciding what to do next, and when to do it) but this made me think. Her last email, while it said she wants a divorce, there were a couple of things she said that make me think it's not that she wants a divorce, but that she just can't see another way. This encourages me on that front, and now I have to show her that, as our PM likes to say: Better is possible.
     
    kcarahcaz and TakingTheSteps like this.
  7. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    This is hard to deal with and it just shows in the first post how the odd bit of MO can spiral out into excessive PMO at the expense of a lovely marriage.

    How nice to see you are doing something about it. It will take time to heal and the sex might not happen straight away but enjoy the time together, the intimacy, the fun. Sex doesn't just involve penetration you know!
     
  8. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    @DaveBuznik ,

    Any updates on your situation? Journal? Link?
     

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