Lostphoenix introduction

Hello fellow Fapstronauts,

I would like to introduce myself and the reason I have approached this community.

Firstly, I am male of 44 years. I have been using porn on and off since 2000, but heavily (for me) over the last 5 years perhaps as a coping mechanism from feeling lost and without direction. Because I have intense shame attached to ‘porn masturbation orgasm’ (PMO), this is the first time I have opened up to anyone. Nonetheless, I think honesty is crucial in the healing process so I hope you can bear with my introduction.

Stimulation​

Basically, it all starts when I find some excuse to look at porn once stimulated by a desirable object like a web news story or scandal (e.g., naked celebrity selfie) about an attractive celebrity. First I try to rationalise my action, convincing myself that I am strong enough to just look (at beautiful objects) without ‘orgasm’ (O) but once started I cannot stop and a porn binge ensues until it has no alternative ending other than O from the sexual pressure built up. Somehow I covertly lie to myself, and my bestial nature takes over.

Consequence​

Afterwards I feel stupid for having believed my bull***t for my energy is low and I am more susceptible to getting colds, depression and anxiety to name a few PMO consequences. Also, I don’t feel like going out or visiting people, feeling like everyone knows I’m a porn addict. My stupidity is further exacerbated by having felt this worthless before from indulging in PMO repeatedly, I recognize this pattern of harmful behaviour but have no willpower to counteract it. Moreover, from experience I know that the longer I abstain the more alive, confident, hopeful and stronger overall I feel. So I must conclude I am addicted.

The long term effect of PMO has led to sexual dysfunctions ‘porn induced erectile dysfunction’ (PIED) and ‘premature ejaculation’ (PE). These dysfunctions have built a barrier to making healthy connections and have emasculated me so feed the vicious cycle of PMO from easy access to fantasy rather than reality. Additionally I have lost my spiritual nature, I’m not sure what to believe, which saddens me.

Healing​

I realise I need to start building my psyche up again, or else I foresee myself being driven into madness, destruction, nothing or an early grave, unable to connect intimately or even socially from the depression (lack of energy) and shame.

Thought I could manage alone but keep relapsing weekly and realise I cannot manage alone. Prior to the 5 years I practiced celibacy for 3 months but have never been able to achieve it again. So I believe I need a supportive and compassionate forum where I can be open and honest about my addiction without being judged by others (I already judge myself harshly). I tried a sexual addiction group ‘Sex Addicts Anonymous’ (SAA) but felt too ashamed to speak up, mine was not a problem of (real) human interaction but rather (fantasy) pornographic, although I appreciate they are related. Thus I surmise: an internet problem has an internet solution which this ‘NoFap’ community provides. I believe that ‘Nofap’ directly addresses the problem and that with the support from the community I can become a whole person or psyche.

My chosen rebooting, or challenge parameters, is the ‘hard mode’ i.e., total (PMO) abstinence for 1 month (before I try 3 months) because so far I’ve been unsuccessful to last without PMO beyond 2 weeks for approximately the last four years. My last (foolish) relapse was about 4 days ago…

 

Thank you for your welcome.

I’m learning as I go along, but my strategies so far are: I have joined the official NoFap monthly challenge, I’m looking to start a journal and find an accountability partner.

Any guidance appreciated.

 

Hello Esforzado, thank you for your kind offer. I've posted in the AP forum with my AP requirements. Thanks