Low self esteem / agreeableness

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by mid30sman, May 2, 2019.

  1. mid30sman

    mid30sman Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    Do any of you guys have any useful resources on how to improve low self esteem and/or agreeableness/lack of assertiveness?

    I have low self esteem. I hate how I look physically and am very insecure, despite being a successful man (i.e having a beautiful partner, interesting career, financial security). I am very high in agreeableness and end up people pleasing at the expense of my own needs. I suspect a large part of my my addiction to porn/orgasm is rooted in the pain/resentment caused by my needs not being met.

    I looked on Amazon but all I seem to find is alpha male material which makes me cringe or literature written by and therefore aimed at females. The closest thing I found was No More Mr Nice Guy, I read it years ago but it a good 50% of it was lost on me - I am not that pathetic. I like what Jordan Peterson has to say on this topic, but it doesn't go deep enough for me to really get my teeth into it (figure out what you want, tell the truth etc.)

    I would love to read more about the psychology of low self esteem and/or agreeableness and the strategies for improvement. Would be great if someone here knows of credible/competent sources of information on this subject - preferably in the form of a book.

    Many thanks!
     
  2. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Quite frankly I can relate really well to the situation you find yourself in. I am currently writing a book about how discipline affects many aspects of our life. This goes all the way back to being disciplined enough to understand your own priorities. These could be either to please others or yourself.

    Can you describe some instances in which you agree to do something you rather wouldn’t do?

    If you understand why you want this then sit down and you can openly communicate with others why you are not going to help them for this and that reason. In the beginning you will feel rather uncomfortable because you’re not used to people blaming you. But this is something you can and will get used to if you are disciplined enough to stay with your own cause.

    Looking forward to your reply mate

    Patrick
     
  3. andi1987

    andi1987 Fapstronaut

    Just a question: What traits does someone need to be a valuable person? (Serious question)
     
  4. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hey Andi,

    In order to assess someone as a ''valueable'' person, we should obviously look at the definition of value in a person. Everyone would respond to this question in a different manner and therefore the answers would greatly differ. This is the political-like answer to your question. However, I believe that answering this question is only relevant if you answer it for yourself because living a life based on values that someone else gives you would lead to infinite misery!

    Have a great day!
     
    NamaClature14 likes this.
  5. andi1987

    andi1987 Fapstronaut

    Yeah totally agree with you. And that's why I asked him. What his definition is.
     
  6. mid30sman

    mid30sman Fapstronaut

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    @Coolbreeze - thank you for your reply. I have not yet given much thought to the subject of discipline, I have read a bit about habits and will power in the past and dismissed them for reasons I can't recall off hand, maybe something to do with the idea of will power being a finite resource and thereby unreliable (I'm not very well read up on the subject so no idea if that even makes sense). I haven't previously considered the relationship between my agreeableness and discipline, so thank you, I'll do some digging on this topic again.

    Typical instances play out in all my relationships. Girlfriend wants to watch/do/go something which I don't. I begrudgingly go along with it to avoid conflict leading to resentment. At work, a manager will suggest 'left' where as I prefer 'right' and I end up going along with it to avoid conflict, only for it to become clear after a period of time that 'right' would have been better. This scales up to the big decisions - where should we buy a house? Where should we invest our budget? Not knowing what I want is half the battle, the other is being tough enough to stand my ground when people disagree.

    @andi1987 - that's a super tough question for which I have no default answer. Conscientiousness is a trait often associated with success and successful people are often deemed valuable. I will have to give that one some more thought though :)
     
  7. Coolbreeze

    Coolbreeze Fapstronaut

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    @mid30sman You could start by writing daily journals of your life. Can be 1 page or 3 page depending on how you want it every day. You know what? Writing these journals might help you express your feelings. But perhaps more importantly; you will give yourself insight into your thoughts. Writing about it might help you realize what you really want and make stept into the right direction.
     
  8. mid30sman

    mid30sman Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Coolbreeze - I do write short journals (when in recovery mode at least) in my Google Calendar, but the content randomly varies between gratitude and progress reports. I will try and incorporate more goal/wants/needs and see if that helps provide some clarity. I am also going to work on my future vision document which has been neglected for over a year now. I read somewhere that spending time on that future vision each morning can help. Thanks again for your thoughts on this, much appreciated.
     

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