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Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hopefulgirl, Jul 13, 2019.
Does anyone have any good solid resources about lying and how lying changes during recovery?
I'm watching this post!
Lol...me too..! This entire addiction is so mind numbing .
@Sadgirl, @Katrina Rose's thread Why lie? from March 2018 is worth revisiting.
I am always amazed at your ability to remember posts!
@Qnb42078 posted this a couple of weeks ago. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...01/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships
I hate that lying is my first intinct, its my downfall and ruining everything for me. I hate this addiction so much.
Do you lie about specific things? Is it just trying to keep up with lies you told before and you don't want to get into trouble or are they everyday seemingly small lies? Can you help me to understand? Thank you for your vulnerability!
Its a simple lie to try and get me out of trouble of just denying that I did anything. I mean I do understand what she feels, and I try very hard to stop and change my ways. But ill have a hiccup and then its like all my progress is nothing. Right now she isn't even speaking to me. I really don't know whata going to happen and thats what scares me.
Why keep lying, then? You clearly know the outcome and yet you keep doing it. What is the payoff?
I'm just trying to see the thought process behind it, not trying to be accusatory.
I honestly dont know why I do that, its been awhile and I thought I had stopped. Its almost like a reflex. You dont really want to but it just happens. I've been to a 12 step program and it says that it's just the feeling of shame and embarament
"Just the feeling of shame and embarrasment" feels like minimizing. I'm not sure if that was what you meant to do.
Maybe you could add lying to your counter to keep you accountable, mindful, and help you break the habit. It was something we added as part of our boundaries and consequences as another measure of accountability and it made a huge difference for my husband.
Honesty i dont even know if my marriage can even be saved. The last real thing my wife said to me is that we are broken up now. The lying has always been a go to.avoid conflict and its difficult to break away from it. All day today theres been an emptyness inside me. I try very hard to.change and I've come a long way I used to be a lot worse. But I know I can't do it alone anymore. Ive had one too many slip ups and I don't know what's going to happen now, but I do know that i need to fix me for me. If can't help myself how am i supposed to help her.
I totally understand you and what you’re going through! I was in a 5 year relationship. PMO and IMO to other was always considered as cheating by my (ex)girlfriend. I addicted myself to PMO and IMO after trying to stop PMO before the relationship started. It is the relief the drug the god feeling and I didn’t get away from it. Our relationship was hard from the beginning and I compensated a lot with that.
I never told my girlfriend about this cause I felt bad and I knew that I don’t want it. I denied it and drawed another image of myself than I actually was. Now everything blew up, but over months and step by step. I couldn’t help stop lying, tried to let it look better and she always knew that I’m not completely honest. I was ashamed and I felt like when I was a child lying to my parents about my schoolfailures. I went for 3 weeks in the st James Camino to Santiago de Compostela it helped a lot to think and progress - I definitely recommend this to EVERYONE in the forum. I figured out that I have the anxiety of being denied, of losing love of others because of my weaknesses. This could also have a connection to a likely suffer from ADHD. It’s not a manipulative lying in first place, it’s comprehensive: preventing the loss of love and the image of how I want to see my self and. My Girlfriend wants to know everything now, every Detail, every Fantasy everything she never knew. It’s so hard to me I tell her because I always block like you told just like a reflex. So I write it all down and read it to her. Even though she also said we will never gonna be together again I think she deserves it. And I think your wife does as well.
The only right thing you can do (my opinion, just as an idea)
0. Be honest to yourself look where you are lying to yourself to keep you calm. The base is to be completely honest to yourself. If you’re no you’ll never be with others...
1. Think about in which moments you lie and why you are lying
2. If you figure out any fears tell her truly those fears. Don’t ask her to do anything stick completely to you and your issues with telling the truth and the connected feelings
3. Tell her that you really really want to tell her the truth and that this fear is a daemon which makes you lie, ask her if she can help fighting that daemon
4 write it all down and tell her. This will help HER. Maybe not your marriage but nothing from here can help the marriage. The only thing which helps is the truth!
5. Look for ways and possibilities to get help. Go to a psychiatrist and ask for a psychotherapy, think about ways and methods to block the lies in the future. And give this to her as that what you want to do in the future to improve YOU.
Maybe and only maybe she might feel respected again by you telling her truly what is inside you. Get help as soon as possible cause lying because of fear of negative consequences and the loss of love is deeply in your soul. You need to care about it, to work on it, for every relationship or friendship in your life! It’s not a minimizing it can be connected to several small Traumas in your childhood. that’s why you shouldn’t blame yourself, but give the beloved ones around you especially the one you gave a promise to, the truth and respect.
I hope it might help, I myself still need to tell the details to her. Now that I know there is nothing to lose anymore it’s much easier to tell even though i still need to find ways to tell her without blocking (e.g. on the phone, where I can’t see the damage I’m doing, but it’s still half personal)
I never wanted to hurt her, I kind of hold things back to review them to not put it on her shoulders, to protect her and not hurt her... and suddenly it was too much. Now I have the complete opposite. I hurt her I lost her and I lost her love. All of this I wanted to prevent in the first place...now I only can give what she deserves and ask for some kind of apology. It is not about saving a relationship or marriage anymore, it is about giving respect to the person who gave you trust.
And one last thing I know how hard it is, but it will feel so much better once you said the truth, and totally the truth.
Now thanks for listening let me know if there was something helpful!
I can tell you for certain what my motivation for lying was.
The belief that if you really knew me you would reject me.
This led me to lie about many many things. How i felt, what i wanted or didnt want for dinner, anything that i felt was not going to be acceptable to this person that i needed acceptance from. If I thought that my wife would disapprove of my feeling then i would not speak it or i would spin situations to sound better to her. Even ones that were actually innocent.
It comes down to trying to fit in.
Once i was aware that i believed that and started taking actions to question it in a safe setting i began to realize that my fear wasnt true. But old habits i die hard.
Honesty is one of my biggest values now and I hate when i dont live up to it.
For me this secrecy way of living was before addiction entered my life and it was the perfect foundation for addiction to take hold. So in my case the lies are more at the heart of my issues than the addiction itself.
Just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this topic,
I unfortunately have the same involuntary reaction of lying first but as bad as that sounds just hear me out. I see myself as a protector being a husband and a father, therefore I feel as its my duty to deal with any issues or problems and I do not want my wife to worry or add to the stress already being experienced, in my mind I believe i'll work it out and my wife would never have even needed to worry at all. is this selfish? maybe. But my intentions are looking out for her best interests. In saying this my wife is aware I do this and absolutely hates it, even white lies and as a result does second guess most of the things I say. Life is chaotic and if people can make it just that little bit less chaotic by telling a lie (a harmless one) then is it so horrible of them?
A lot of men (and women) lie in order to protect their partner. it's not coming from a deception point of view even though that is what its viewed as unfortunately.
The great philosopher PLATO put it simply, "Noone is more hated than he who speaks the truth."
People lie, its innate because if someone is completely truthful all the time honestly life would be hell.
Lying is not to "protect" your partner-it is to protect yourself, If you wanted to protect her you wouldn't have done the thing that you feel you need to lie about. This type of thinking is justification and is a huge part of denial.
granted, I agree with your rebuttal and if the lie is related to something that directly hurts your partner due to your own actions then honesty is the best policy.
I'm referring to lies such as when your boss tells you theres no work for a coupleof weeks and you need to take time off or we'll just have to let you go. Now, if I tell my wife this then obviously shes going to be riddled with worry. obviously money and income is always an issue in any marriage and news like this can be (at face value) horrible especially for people that have a very controlling personality so I feel the need to take on this burden myself because she'll be worried for no reason and will out of love and care try to fix it even though she can't change the issue at hand, or effect it anyway, all that is happening is that the issue is getting further complicated.
Am I not protecting her by dealing with this issue on my own?
Following this thread!