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M24, turning my life around, and slowly, slowly succeeding.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by LethalFrisbee, Jul 14, 2020.

  1. LethalFrisbee

    LethalFrisbee New Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, nice to meet you all. I've always been a lurker (usually on other sites) and never been one for community participation, but I've decided to take this step and get involved so I can play a more active role in my recovery journey. Here's my story. Let's do this!

    I'm an almost-24 year old male, currently in med school. I've been using porn since...I don't remember exactly, but probably a little after I was 10 years old. Over time, my porn use worsened until it basically consumed my entire day. I'd be in constant brain fog, wouldn't be able to remember anything, didn't bond with anyone, barely had any friends, couldn't make eye contact with anyone. Eventually we shifted countries (from America to my home country, where we'd originally come from) and things gradually started changing, bit by bit. I made a few friends there and had a decent time throughout my late teenage years, but I still suffered from PMO. I tried quitting at one point with another guy, but we both gave up very quickly.

    Then came med school. For the first two years, I wasn't able to talk to initiate conversations with any girls, until one day I accidentally ended up briefly chatting with a girl about anime. I fell for her, probably because she was the first girl I'd ever really felt a bit of a connection with. I also realized that...I had to change. I was overweight, I had no concept of fashion or good hygiene, no social skills, terrible grades (honestly I feel like me getting med school was dumb luck). A friend of mine introduced me to the gym, and my first day back, I had to stop my car on the side of the road to cry. Because I realized this was finally what was going to help me change for the better.

    Fast-forward 7 or so months, I started to seriously start to quit PMO, worked out like a mad man everyday, barely got any sleep. Studied how to talk to people, make conversation, etc. And I kept myself so busy and pushed myself so hard that I ended up having a 7 month long PMO-free streak. This, from someone who used to PMO several times a day without fail, was incredible. But...honestly, it wasn't that good of a time. I burnt myself out completely. I was miserable at some points because I was training so rigorously and desperately and trying to lose fat and get out of my disgusting body. So eventually, as some conflicts with the girl I liked started popping up (we'd become good friends), I felt hurt and resorted to relapsing to make it hurt less. And so, PMO came back into my life. Though it's correct to say that it never really left, I'd just kept it suppressed underneath unhealthy amounts of physical and mental stress.

    Anyway, over time, I started seeing a therapist for my various childhood traumas and PMO addiction. I've lived with a schizophrenic mother and my father has always been busy with his work, basically for my entire life, so I didn't really have much in terms of effective parent figures, leading to me developing severe anxiety and addiction. In a moment of weakness, in the dead of night, I ended up confessing my addiction to a friend at the time (she was a friend of the girl I liked). And...to my surprise, she didn't turn me away. She was shocked, but was supportive, and suggested therapy. That's why I started seeing a therapist. Eventually, my exams came, and I stopped going to the therapist to give them, and never went back. Plus, the girl that I liked back then, we had too many issues and decided to end it. It was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced, but I'm grateful because it helped make me who I am today. A couple of years passed, I kept working on myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and began to really connect with the people around me.

    Eventually, I fell in love with the girl that had supported me this whole time, for so many years, and confessed to her. She took her time (many months, actually), but eventually agreed to be with me, since she'd liked me for a while now too. Now, I want to be even better. Not just for me, but for her as well. I want to leave this addiction behind for good. I still relapse but the frequency is slowly decreasing and the streaks are getting longer and longer. And one day I hope to have so many days under my belt that I stop counting, and leave this behind for good. One day I hope to relapse for the last time.

    Here's to that goal, for all of us!
     
    palindromo and Breakthrough23 like this.
  2. One Eyed Owl

    One Eyed Owl Distinguished Fapstronaut

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