Making a Better Marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by mrtumnus, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. Agreed. Although, I think she was concerned I was acting out even without it.
    She has said many times that she just doesn't feel that I love her. She feels used by me, and that I (and she) would be happier with someone else.
    Her primary love language is supposedly quality time. I honestly think I have been spending more time listening to and interacting with her than ever. We have gone on more dates in the past couple months than in the past few years. Maybe what I think is quality time isn't really that for her, especially if she is caught up in a cycle of fear/anxiety. I feel completely inadequate to be able to navigate these issues. I barely feel competent enough in "normal" social interactions, let alone with a relationship with these complexities.
    It wasn't quite as stark as that. I left the room and did dishes/cleaned up the kitchen. Later in the evening was when I was in the bathroom. But, your overall point is taken - rather than disconnect in the moment (to put myself in a better space), reach out for connection and achieve the same thing, but with the added bonus of soothing my wife's fears. I like the idea of trading a trigger for a commitment. It is a fitting replacement.
    Nicko Stretch likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    My husband has been working very hard at trying to reconnect with me. I see myself in your wife. I detached years ago, to keep myself sane. After years of him acting out, it is difficult for me to allow myself to drop my guard and be vulnerable and allow the connection he is trying so hard to rebuild. I then feel, as though we do not have a connection, and feel neglected. I then have a very difficult time articulating just why. Perhaps this is your wife’s dilemma as well? It is very, very difficult to flip a switch and start seeing your spouse as a loving, caring partner, when for literally years, and decades even he has not been. So to then trust the changes when trust had been shattered repeatedly is going to take a long time and a lot of intention on your part.
    mrtumnus, Tao Jones and Bobske like this.
  3. I am sure she is going through the same feelings. She thought our marriage was fine, with its rough edges of course, but didn't realize how much I was withdrawn from her.

    Things seem to be on the up-and-up, at least in my relationship with my SO. We had a wonderful weekend, complete with date night, fun kid-time, a family function, rest on Sunday, and a movie night. Lots of emotional connection each evening, and throughout each day. Part of me wants to temper this, as my goal is to be content in all circumstances. But, I will accept it for what it is and give thanks. :)

    I started reading a book, Union with Christ. The first chapter really speaks to how I've felt for a long time. "Isn't there more to being a Christian?". We'll see where it goes, but I'm hopeful it will help me really start to begin (continue?) trusting God with my life.

    Another book I picked up from the library is Gottman's 8 Dates. I've heard a lot of people recommend it, and my wife is a big fan too. I'd like to read it with her and see where it takes us.

    I am grateful for:
    • A God that desires deep devotion and connection from his creatures
    • A beautiful wife with a radiant smile
    • Living in a city with lots of great food options. And for the resources to splurge a bit sometimes!
    Tao Jones and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

    We are on date 7 of the 8 dates book. We have found it very useful.Eye opening for both of us and our relationship.
    mrtumnus likes this.

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