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Making a Better Marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by mrtumnus, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. It's been both during arguments and during level-headed conversation. She is consistently frustrated and doesn't know what to do.

    We are generally friendly, and able to work through normal day-to-day operations & logistics. She has not shown any affection towards me. From the past few weeks, it seems that Sundays and/or weekends have been the most provoking of my SO's trauma, probably because of having to be around me all day. Our interactions seem more positive during weekdays, but maybe that's just because there's not as much time to dwell on our problems.

    Thanks for the input. I have forgiven myself, and know I am forgiven in Christ. The trouble is, the effects of my sin remain in the broken trust of my spouse. It's dealing with that that proves most troublesome.

    What does 'manning' up entail? I could certainly be sacrificing more in my home - I could be using my free time more for doing chores around the house or working on projects. I often resist working more than I "have to" (I am right now posting on here!). I've started leading evening devotions with our kids (check ☑). I just feel like I have to fill shoes I'm not equipped to fill. Or maybe I'm just unwilling.
     
  2. rah2790

    rah2790 Fapstronaut

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    Just my take...its this sentiment that I would think she is picking up on. As if you are just play acting at those steps you listed to "man up". If you dont believe it neither will she. You doing great man...almost 90 days...I cant wait to get there. Own that brother...if you can this you can be that leader of the home as Christ was the leader of the church...you just got to believe it first before she will. Like I said that's my take, take it how you will bit it does come from love.
     
  3. rah2790

    rah2790 Fapstronaut

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    One more thing...as I read your journal you have been back on your heels the entire time. After almost 3 months clean...which makes you a beast brother....its time to get up on the balls of your feet. (Sorry I'm a fighter)...and start to press forward. Be that man she can depend on... be that dad....that who u r....if u believe it...so will she
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  4. Thanks for your encouragement, man. It means a lot. <insert bicep emoji>
     
  5. rah2790

    rah2790 Fapstronaut

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    No problem man...I'm a blunt guy that means well...dont hesitate to reach out pm or whatever brother
     
  6. Daedaleus

    Daedaleus Fapstronaut

    Your self-awareness and insight is inspiring, keep the course and stay strong.

    Also, from reading through your journal, I would try to bring up a conversation about that if she wants to separate then it should be her decision. I think you have shown dedication and commitment of changing and fighting to save your marriage. Addiction is a fight, both short-term and long-term. You need support, unconditional support.

    I, personally, can't help but feel that she is waiting for a slip-up to justify her reasoning. Now I don't know all the facts so that could just be plain false. I would just have a conversation on whether she truly wants this to work out or is just waiting for an event to justify her ending the relationship (i.e. a relapse). I also understand that you two have children and want to do everything possible to save your marriage so that they also don't have to go through the divorce process.

    Keep fighting, keep trying to continually improve, keep supporting your wife's emotional needs, but also see if she supports you as well with your emotional needs. Keep up the great work!
     
    mrtumnus and MisterDirection like this.
  7. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Daedalus said it much better than I did
     
  8. Thanks @Daedaleus. I don't think my SO is waiting for me to slip up. I think it's more that she's just reluctant to recommit to our relationship at this point. She (we) still have a lot of time left to invest in someone else, if that's what it comes to.

    I appreciate the resounding feedback against separation. I was hesitant in bringing it up, and at this point may not even do so, unless she wants to discuss it.
     
  9. Day 78

    Yesterday went fast. I got my morning exercise in (up to 100 pushups now!), and ran this morning. Still feeling a bit of a headache from a head cold, not sure why it isn't gone yet.

    Spoke a bit yesterday with my SO; I reaffirmed my desire to communicate more, and that I felt that it is difficult for us to do so with her schedule (she stays up late preparing for the next day of class). She said that she wouldn't mind trying to talk while she works, and will tell me if she can't. I don't see that working well, but we'll see. It felt good to revisit that, as I feel that's what's been a blocker to progress for us over the past few weeks - the weeks fly by without much communication about our relationship, then stuff blows up on the weekends (last weekend was better though).

    I went to meet with my counselor, but he didn't have me on his schedule. Whoops. Had fun laughing with the couple that was scheduled to meet with him ("Let's do a group session!").

    Good start to the day today, I actually felt like I was procrastinating this entry rather than the other way around.

    I feel: Head-achy, motivated
     
    ItsInTheBag likes this.
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Devote triple the tine u spent on porn and tell her/show her that SHE is important to you EVEN if she never wants sex with you again. If you can do that, you might fix what you broke. Maybe..... my husband was clean 4 years after first dday. We restored trust, etc. then he relapsed. Second dday, I took off my ring, treated him well but never said I love you again, even though he said it all the time. I stayed because of the kids. Admittedly, we didn’t know this was an addiction until about a year ago. He is now working very hard to fix himself and us. I feel very much the way your wife does. I feel that since he’s the one who ducked this up so bad , he should file for divorce.
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  11. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    MOTIVATED! Yeah, my dear man, YEAHHHH!!
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  12. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I see your point about him messing it up.

    But...

    Not to minimize your trauma or his ownership of the issue that caused all of it.

    Recovery is his to work on as is yours to work on. Marriage recovery takes 2 people. And they both have to work towards it. Even if he is doing g the minimum for recovery that doesnt mean he isn't regretful and working toward or wanti.g to recover the marriage. A statement like man up and file for divorce or you ducked it up you file for divorce. I'm plies that you dont care to recover and if that is the case YOU need to communicate that so that the other person is not doing somethig that you will never credit with grace or try to reconcile. If that's the feelings then my advice is that the party that has those feelings and is ready to walk away is the party that "mans" up and files.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Oh, lol. I’m definitely working on my recover. I should’ve been more clear here. I know that one can heal, we did it the first time around. For me, this is the second go and I’m just not sure we can fix it. For him, my point was do the flipping work!! They only have 10 years of betrayal, with a lot of hard work he may be able to fix it. But, many times the work the wife is looking for just isn’t there but the addict thinks “ he’s trying so hard”. The minimum for recovery probably isn’t going to cut it after 10 years of cheating. My point is, if he really wants to save this relationship, then he needs to do everything possible on his end and that will help her feel safer to reinvest on her end.
     
  14. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

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    Ahhh as an SO I totally get the (I had X years of betrayal. 19 years here). But I think we sometimes too easily look at everything going sideways in our marriage as tied to their addiction. That just isn’t the case. We also need to work on relationship stuff that isn’t addiction.

    We have found it immensely helping. Our past 2 sessions with the therapist we didn’t even talk about SA. But what we are doing outside of SA in therapy is hugely helping recovery for both of us as a byproduct.

    I think we as SO (I’m guilty) stay in our betrayal trauma and don’t do the work on ourselves (our own hangups) that we can’t see the work they are actually doing and how they are trying to make us feel safe.

    My feeling from reading the posts here is she is in fear and her emotions. I totally get it! But it isn’t going to get better if she doesn’t go all in with working on her, the communication between them (not while working). Separation feels like a threat from little info to go on.
     
  15. Thank you @Psalm27:1my light and @IamOlive for your input. I'm glad there are others here that can express what my wife is going through in different ways and offer insight into how to proceed. My takeaway is (which I'm already on board with) to do the work of recovery wholeheartedly and be patient.

    I kind of disagree with you here. If the offending spouse truly wants to put things right and the other spouse wants out, isn't just adding hurt to hurt to stonewall a divorce? Seems like more addict/selfish behavior to me. As a man, I feel obligated to "lead" in this way (but ONLY if it was the true, final decision from my spouse), and to take the last bit of responsibility for my actions by filing for divorce. Maybe I'm wrong here, from a Biblical standpoint, but it seems that the vow of marriage has been broken already, so taking this sort of step would be less of a moral decision and more of a final way to show you are sorry and want to reduce pain.

    Yes, she is definitely fearful and probably experiencing the full range of possible emotions. I'm not taking her stated desire for me to leave at face value; I think it is one part of how she feels, but not the whole picture. I know it's not going to work if she doesn't want it to. The concept of separation is not intended as a threat but rather a compromise, instead of me just leaving her (what she has expressed that she feels she wants). I don't like or want either of those options, I'd rather her decide she wants to try to make this work again and I'll keep on going with recovery. But I have no right to demand that of her at this point. I do have the right to demand SOME answer from her eventually, but I'm not exercising that yet.
     
  16. Day 79

    Another fast day yesterday. Was super productive at work. Hoping for another one today....get 'er done!

    Last night I had a bad headache, so I laid down for much of the night. It was pleasant otherwise, gave my youngest a bath before bed, and spent time with the SO while she was working. I practiced my Duolingo and we listened to some music together before hitting the hay ourselves.

    I received an unprompted and unexpected admission from my SO last night that she wants our relationship to work and that she's willing to recommit to it. She feels called to this decision, despite the potential future suffering it may entail (due to further betrayal). She made sure to affirm that she's not 'healed' yet and that it will still take a lot of work and time to mend (obvious! but she felt the need to curb any enthusiasm she thought it might generate). This was something I was expecting to have to wait a while for, so it is a welcome surprise and confidence boost.

    A reminder for myself of what my recovery comprises presently:
    • Journaling. This is by far the biggest aid to my self-awareness and mindfulness that helps me stay or get back on track.
    • "Accountability". Not really the right word for it, more like a circle of friends that I can discuss anything with. This is a great help when I'm struggling with something and need to bounce ideas off of brothers. You guys know who you are, and I can't begin to express my thankfulness for you.
    • Exercise. I think this helps with my physical and hormonal systems, reducing or eliminating urges before they happen. Gives me confidence and energy for the day. Helps with back and neck pain. Builds discipline!
    • Prayer. This still feels very feeble to me, but I've been praying throughout the day, whenever I think about it or am prompted to. I'd like to increase and improve this. The best path may be to learn some 'triggers' for praying (eating, breaks, walking, driving, etc), at least to increase frequency. I used to try to have a scheduled time for prayer/devotions, but this always felt forced and not really vital to my life. This feels like a much better approach.
    • Technology Reduction. Phone charges outside the bedroom now. I've even forgotten to take it with me a few times leaving the house. I'm still on it, but I've been more conscientious about putting it down when a conversation starts.
    PT tonight, not much has changed since last week, so we'll see what my new therapist does this time.

    I feel: Energized, motivated, happy

     
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes,yes,yes!! You do get it. There are days when I just want him to leave, I hurt and I’m not just afraid, I’m terrified. I don’t “want” a divorce. I love my husband more than he will ever believe or comprehend. The fear is overwhelming and I’m tired. I think pa’s and so’s sometimes forget that the betrayed partner now has brain damage as well. Healing takes YEARS. So, if you’re only 200 days clean ( for example) you’re feeling triumphant but she’s feeling defeated. It’s time for you to step up and prove every minute you can that you are finally willing to fight for HER! As my pastor told me “ giving him grace and one more chance so to speak, is not a sign of weakness but a true example of love and forgiveness and Gods strength within me. Because let me tell you, staying makes me feel/believe I’m this dumbest fool alive. We each have our own battle, but for many sos’s we’ve been fighting for our marriage and been abandoned as wives/lovers. By the time many of you decide to join the fight, we have nothing left to give.
     
    outdoorguy and mrtumnus like this.
  18. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    My intent was not to say that you fight or contest a divorce at all.

    But my point was if a person has decided that they want out. Dont put the responsibility on the other person just because they are responsible for making mistakes.

    If a person wants out and diesnt want to reconcile fine that's their choice as we all have free will. My point there is man up and make decisions for yourself and commit to that action.. Not say "I want out, it's your fault you handle it" in a sense that is giving the party that wants out another platform of blame for saying that you filed I just signed. I'm a firm believer in you make your bed now sleep in it. If you dont want to sleep in it IE do the work to fix it then walk away. If the person that is trying to reconcile is tasked with filing the divorce, then that makes no sense and is in opposition to what they are trying to do which will cause more anxiety and problems.
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  19. It's a hard thing, I guess. You may have a point here, because how does one really know that their spouse wants out and when would you take that final action? Maybe I'll just have to cross that bridge IF I come to it (please Lord, no).
     
  20. Day 80

    Got a run in this morning, but wasn't really feeling too great. Maybe the weather was affecting me a bit (been rainy here).

    Work was OK yesterday, not as productive as I would have liked. I got thrown some semi-mindless tasks that I switched to in the middle of the day, which kind of killed my groove.

    My daughter's birthday is today. She got her ears pierced yesterday. She could barely contain herself today. I gladly cooked her the requested breakfast this morning.

    I'm working from home today. Normally, that would mean getting no work done due to PMO-fest and distracting myself with surfing and gaming. Not this time!

    Nothing much else to say or report. I've planned a date night for Sat night, thinking it will go better than the last. My desire for sex is high right now, but I'm working on letting it go. I'll channel it into trying to connect later, if time allows.

    I feel: Tired (physically), wanting to numb out (I've worked so hard today! /s), steeling myself for the day
     
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