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Making love with PE - tips and feminine perspective?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Dec 31, 2021.

  1. **Trigger Warning**
    (Details of sexual intercourse might be TMI or triggering for some)

    When I make love with my girlfriend, which I fear is not often enough for her, I struggle with PE. To be blunt, I have to go really slow to avoid ejaculating right away and even then I can only perform about 4 or 5 slow thrusts. Then I will give her oral and/or pleasure her with my fingers while I wait for my body to calm down, then maybe another 4 or 5 slow thrusts. Repeat once or twice more, then bring her to orgasm with oral, then go in for a couple more thrusts, ejaculate, and our love making is complete.

    She's always happier after making love and I feel better, too - feeling more secure in our relationship. Usually, I'd almost rather stop after giving her an orgasm and so I am capitulating in a way by having an orgasm myself - she feels uncomfortable if I don't and I can imagine it reassures her to know that she's giving me sexual release and that my sexual energy isn't going elsewhere.

    My concern: Is this satisfying enough for her? Would this satisfy most women? Usually she wants me to take the lead "However you want to do it, Honey", but whenever she gets into it, she will buck hard and fast and I will lose it in a few seconds. Sorry to be so graphic but I imagine that she would prefer the thrusts to be hard and fast and repeated 40 or 50 times, not gentle and slow and few and far between (bouts of oral). Maybe gentle is nice sometimes, but I feel like I'm not really fulfilling her more primal sexual needs. :oops:

    Any tips from the guys or insight from the women?
    Dat Guy and kropo82 like this.
  2. Also, there are times when I lose control and PE before she reaches orgasm. And, when that happens, it's usually right as we're getting started.
    When that happens, I will usually give her oral, to make up for my shortcomings. But, there are a few times when I just didn't. We started making love, I came right away, we embrace for a few minutes and she seems okay with it.
    If I ask her, she'll say it's okay but is it really? If I do have PE like that, should I just "make it a rule" that I give her an orgasm after?

    Oh, and on a positive note - although I am still struggling in a lot of ways . . . I haven't looked at porn since January 25th, 2021!
    kropo82 and ShotDunyun like this.
  3. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

    First, congrats on the great no P streak! I can tell how frustrated you are in your current situation but you've got a lot going for you besides that:

    - A partner who is into you (and vice versa), whose sex drive is roughly equal to your own, and who is willing to work with you through the process.

    - The ability to get and stay hard pretty much anytime things get going between the two of you.

    A lot of guys on this board don't even have this much going for them so be grateful for that.

    I'm no professional but as I read the situation, you are *almost* fully healed, but not quite. Maybe try 60 days hardmode i.e. no PIV with your GF. Ideally no orgasm for either of you but she might not be down for that. If she's willing to join you in two months of total abstinence I really think that would solve your PE issues but that's a sacrifice only the two of you can decide to make and it needs to be mutual. You are really close to the goal so I believe it would be time well spent. Good luck regardless.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  4. MarioCorrelos

    MarioCorrelos Fapstronaut

    I can relate so much to your situation. It seems as if I had written it, every single word. I'm quite interested in what other people has to say about the topic.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. In stead of sharing my most intimate moments with my SO on a porn addict recovery site, for myself I would ask hér how I could fulfill her the best.
  6. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    No one here can answer your questions. Have a talk with her and choose to trust she's going to answer honestly.
  7. There's a number of ways to slow things down. The thoughts, of course, are most powerful. If I'm trying to prolong the time, sometimes I think of a math problem and work at that, such as multiplying 16 by 2, and again, and again, etc. I never did like counting sheep to try to sleep, but a similar idea to that here, I suppose. But I think you should experiment a little with your technique. Learn what speeds and timings will help you last. For me, slower speeds often approach climax faster--even though this might seem counterintuitive. Another "no-no" is to vary the speed; i.e. interrupting the rhythm with a stop and a start, or changing the speed/rhythm, is a good way to finish sooner. If you must stop, stop for no less than 20-30 seconds to cool down before resuming. It may help to actually count those seconds in your mind. Meanwhile, give her attention elsewhere.

    Before I got married, a mentor of mine recommended a book to read that may help you as well called "The Act of Marriage," by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. I'm not sure I should have been reading that before I got married, but perhaps it did me some good in the end. Not many people are bold enough to write about such intimate relations in a constructive, educational light; but there is both a science and an art to the act of lovemaking.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  8. Runner98

    Runner98 New Fapstronaut

    Sorry for my english but if you want, I have three tricks that help me so much in perfomance anxiety according to a sexual therapist that maybe can help you:

    1. If you haven't ejaculated in a long time, it's normal that you can't last long when you are approaching a sexual intercourse. The feeling is so much intense. So you can engage in some foreplay before sex and during this have an orgasm. When you will regain an erection you will be more relaxed and less tens: obviously the act will be longer, because you aren't holding anymore a n days load :D and your penis will be less sensitive. This gives you the chance to focus and enjoy other parts of the sexual interaction, such as skin touch ecc...

    2. Ejaculation comes only when you are tense. So the best thing you can do is to completely relax during the act. When you enter, take all the time to getting comfortable inside her and take deep breaths, in order to relax all your muscles. This will lead you to move away the urge to ejaculate. Always start the slowest you can do and move like if you are a wave of the ocean. This tecnique tends to stimulate less the penis and gives her much pleasure.

    3. Relax the pubococcygeus muscle. You can to this applying a reverse kegel.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  9. Spoonman78

    Spoonman78 New Fapstronaut

    Do you get soft after PE? Have you ever tried continuing and going for seconds? Just a thought.

    I cum pretty fast quite often. Even on longer streaks where I haven't been looking at porn. When I'm well rested, and my libido is strong from not looking at porn, I can usually last for a second orgasm.

    I also think that lube helps my endurance some times. When we use lube I don't feel things as much and I seem to last a fair bit longer.

    Just some suggestions.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  10. I'm a female. I think a great place to start, is believe her. It maybe porn addiction telling you have to be a certain way, but she is reassuring you reality is different. Listen to her, she is right.
    My husband always was insecure about his size. He thought it should be bigger. I spent years before he believed me i love him the way he is.

    I can't speak on behalf of your gf, but you are already doing what most men dont. Actual foreplay! Thats great ...and for me at least its 99 percent of the fun. Penetrating isnt a magic thing, amd its not how most women masturbate when they are going solo...
    Sounds like you are doing great. Just believe her, and it will save you so much pain and grief.
    +TenPercent and Runner98 like this.
  11. Honestly, this post feels judgemental and it’s a tough feeling to endure when I came here seeking help. If I could “not like” this post, I would.

    Super grateful for all the other, much more supportive and helpful posts.
    Real Jerry Seinfeld likes this.
  12. Thank you, thank you for all the helpful tips and suggestions! And thank you @Path-to-Disipline for the female perspective!

    Yes, I do talk with my girlfriend but sometimes it’s easier to give a pleasant answer to the ones we love than the cold hard truth, and it’s often easier to be blunt and candid with people who aren’t close to us.
    Example - I maybe didn’t really love all the gifts that I got for Christmas, but you bet that I said I did and that I’m going to wear it anyway! ;)
  13. It wasn't meant judgemental at all. I was just talking about myself.
    I think if you feel that way, it must have something to do with you?
  14. Hmm … suggesting the guy with the post about his insecurities might be insecure? That’s pretty clever.
  15. Sorry, I don't get that.
  16. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    Congrats again on your no PMO streak. I hear you when you say you struggle, but it’s a good sign of progress that you can avoid the PMO.

    I struggled with PE when I first got married a couple years ago. I’ve started lasting a lot longer (5-10 min) in the past few months because I was asking similar questions to you. Here’s what helped me:

    1. The reverse kegle exercises really did help me. If you can make yourself finish faster, than you have the physical ability to make yourself finish slower. You just need to figure out how to pull the right levers down there.

    2. Focus only on her pleasure. It sounds like you do a great job of this already.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  17. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    That is just very little penetrations it's quite bad. At least 300 penetrations to start and 1000 will be acceptable.

    You need to work a lot. Nothing more depressing than a bad lover.

    Start by holding your pee while you urinate. Pee a little hold it and so on.

    It's not about feelings a female orgasm is a female orgasm and sex requires skill and technique

  18. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    You can take some sildenafil for a while it helps reducing PE. Not the all tablet just 1/4.
  19. Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

    The guy's getting off on being self-righteous, just ignore him. Or if you want cheering up, read the post linked in his signature.

    I would definitely recommend doing reverse kegels. Actual kegels can have the opposite intended effect in that they actually strengthen the muscles associated with bringing you to ejaculation. Alternatively, as someone recommended, take like a little bit of sildenafil and you'll last for ages.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  20. janewhite

    janewhite Fapstronaut

    I am a woman.Since she is happy you are probably doing everything right. Every woman is different. Imho 1 big o is more than enough. Like someone here said, and I agree most of the fun is foreplay. That being said if you want to do something extra make it 2 or 3 or more. On primal desire…me personally I am team vaginal orgasm…which in my opinion is very different from clitoral and more satisfying but you don’t need a penis to help her achieve it, 1 finger is enough. It usually turns on my husband to be doing it so you may enjoy. The best way is to do it is in doggy position other positions would work too but with a clean lubed finger. You want to aim for the g spot “press downwards while you’re moving in and out.” It really does satisfy the “ primal” desire imho for vaginal and does not require you trusting 100 times which honestly gets old. me and ny spousal have a different issue… delayed ejaculation due to his porn addiction. Trust me you don’t want on the other end of the spectrum either. It sounds like you are right in the middle.
    +TenPercent likes this.

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