Mans opinion please

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Tan3110, May 3, 2018.

  1. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    My husband is apparently on day 47 but within that time he has acording to him only had 3 urges in this time. Once going past the bathroom at a time he may have normally done it and the other two times he said were about me.

    My question is. Is this realistic to only have 3 urges in that length of time. No pied and no flatline still having erections and morning wood. As I feel he is being dishonest.
     
  2. Gotham Outlaw

    Gotham Outlaw Fapstronaut

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    3 urges sounds low for 47 days. I had days with 3 or more urges during the first week, but that was how I experienced it.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2018
  3. Grue

    Grue Fapstronaut

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    Morning wood (nocturnal tumescence) is not an indicator.
     
  4. glitchblaster19

    glitchblaster19 Fapstronaut

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    It depends on how long your husband has been watching porn before starting nofap
     
  5. arush1001

    arush1001 Fapstronaut

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    This happens in a flatline but i would say dont judge the process, just remember that time is the only cure for this addiction. Don't let him watch porn again and rest is fine. He is going good :)
     
    Gica likes this.
  6. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    And if he is the one going through this, then he needs to be the one using these forums, not you...

    To be quite frank I find this insulting. This site is also for partners to that are dealing with betrayal trauma. If you think that this is only about him and his actions affect no one but him then you are sorely mistaken. This site has a lot of fake people. the real people on this site tend to be the ones who have hit rock bottom who are trying to change for there partners ans children and family.
    You have no idea what our lives are and what we have gone through and that i have been put through. I've had 10 years of d days. And now we have 2 very young children. And I don't want my daughters to catch daddy like I have so many times.

    I was asking a generalised question of other guys experiences and you decide to throw shit at me. And treat my husband as a victim to my behaviour.

    I don't think any of the girls ob this site would appreciate your comment if it was directed at them
    @Jagliana @Torn @Kenzi[/USER ]@hope4healing @oreogirl @ILoathePwife @
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2018
  7. Dov

    Dov Fapstronaut

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    3 urges sounds low,
    This can be age related (i dont know how old he is) can also be related to low testosterone
    Can also be related to how long he was addicted
    and most of all, every ones anatomy and brain is very different, you can be VERY addicted to PMO and without PMO, you realize tat at your normal state your sex drive is lower than averge this is just how you are, compared to smoking- if you quit, doesnt mean your are gonna become fit, if you are a fit person in general that will be different for you.

    But more important question, why are you bothered that he only had 3 urges?
     
  8. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    Because the only thing I wanted was honesty and it doesn't feel like he is. I am stuggling to pick myself back up and trust and i dont feel i can because the honesty doesnt feel like its there.andd little extra things keep coming out . He's 27 used porn since 15. Was PMOing 5 times a week prior. We Have sex every week. Smoke free drug free. Works full time good wages.
     
  9. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    I don't think it's obvious he's lying. I think for my first month or two there were very few urges. We're all different and I don't think rebooting is the same for us all. It's unpredictable. Some guys here might have had lots of urges early on but we're not all the same.

    Your lack of trust is understandable, but on the information you've given us, I don't think it's right to assume he's being dishonest.
     
  10. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    His previous attempts he never got past 2 weeks but continued to lie and say he was fine and coping but was using the whole time
     
  11. Rikardo

    Rikardo Fapstronaut

    Question - has he agreed he has a problem and actively decided he needs to stop or have you told him he has to stop?

    Sorry to be blunt, but it is important in assessing how honest or not he may be.

    Recovery from addiction has to come from the individual, either by them wanting to stop or by the consequences of them not stopping being too much to bear.

    With regard to urges... three in 47 days is low but not impossible. My first time around I thought I had low urges, but the reality was I allowed myself to think I was doing better than I was. I would suggest the same may be true for your partner. Define an urge...
     
  12. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    He says its an addiction
    It came about from me catching him. But after I told him he would lose his family he hit rock bottom and is doing it for him and our family and the thought of what would happen if he didn't stop would be too much to bear. He is scared of loosing everything we have worked so hard for. Ownig our own home and marriage degrees and kids alot of it would be down the toilet and the kids are too young to have long term memories so they wouldn't even remember daddy being around or at home or happy families.
    An urge as in desire to MO. But i ask him if he's coping or had any thoughts or feelings and he denies anything at all.
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    My husband actually didn't have that many triggers/urges to PM either, since starting his recovery. Maybe 5/6 urges in the last 95 days? 3 actual urges that and 2/3 thoughts about "this would have been the time I would have been doing it before". We both thought it was strange as well. We have been active sexually (in a healthy way/not as a substitution) though.

    I can tell he was being honest about it, I just think everyone experiences it differently. So, maybe your husband isn't lying and really only has had only 3 urges in this whole time.

    I think this statement is all kinds of wrong, on so many levels. Both PA's and SO's are on this forum for their own reasons, everyone has the right to be on these forums to get support and advice. PA affects both the ADDICT and his/her - SO/family. Obviously, if you have nothing noteworthy to offer, then just don't add your two cents.

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    It all comes down to trust and it seems like you don’t trust him at all. You also seem to associate PMO with physical adultery so I’m not sure you will ever trust him again.
     
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  15. blackcat72

    blackcat72 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe he is lying but Seem like an awkward question to answer. If he divulged the info himself, then I would take him at his word. Either way, he gave you some info. that seem like a plus to me. Gosh, I know if it were me kicking a habit, I would be hopeful of any slight improvement. Any bad addiction is faced by the second, then ,min, then hour , then day..etc.. who knows how many urges he was having or will have in the future. I can say it is how each one is faced. not by how often they happen. and most people lie about things they feel bad about.. if he asked you " honey how many distrusting thoughts have you had today?" what would your answer be? ah not to many only a few...probably.
     
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Kind of sounds like you were trying to silence her first, no?

    Pot calling the kettle black, in other words.

    This forum is a resource for BOTH the PA and their SO's.

    My point is, if you can't be helpful to her, then move on.
     
  17. glitchblaster19

    glitchblaster19 Fapstronaut

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    I truly believe that u should apologise to @Tan3110 she’s on this site for a right reason unlike many others over here
     
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  18. Rikardo

    Rikardo Fapstronaut

    Thanks that explains it better.

    I'm on my second reboot because I thought I was absolutely nailing it on the first. I hit a low that was probably not rock bottom on reflection, but still low enough to push me on, and to keep me driven through it. Urges to actually MO were for a long time absolutely non existent because the memory of my critical even was so strong. However looking back there were a lot of lesser urges that went unchecked.

    Fear of losing everything can I'm sure be a strong motivator. I don't think he is lying about the urges, but is there a chance this fear could be causing him to avoid admitting he's having a hard time? Yesterday I wrote in my journal using a term 'the veil is thin' to describe how easy it would have been to let my mind run away and end up in a bad place. I didn't have any actual MO urges but there was a degree of background awareness which would have hampered my willpower had one presented itself. Maybe explore this a little?

    I still think it would help him greatly if he was on here though.
     
  19. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    He is on here. Hasn't used it much but does read stuff.
    Thank you everyone for sticking up for me
     
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