I figured I should start a journal to get out some thoughts, since my husbands addiction has consumed 3 or 4 years of my life now. For those who don't know what quantum superposition is, it is a state of being in quantum mechanics where there is a 50 percent chance of something being one way or another. I feel as though we are both married and not married simultaneously. My husband just made another confession today. I felt my blood pressure rise to the point I started to go blind in my left eye. Perhaps getting some of this out will help. My husband has been an addict since he was a teen. I found out about his addiction almost 4 years ago. When I found out, he stopped watching P, but he didn't stop doing other things like, looking at pics and stuff. He relapsed earlier this year. It seems as though every time we reach a bit of stability, something else comes out. Something else he lied about. I honestly don't know if he ever went outside the marriage and had a physical affair. Evidence points to yes, but he denies doing anything off the screen. After we got married, he still pursued other women. He used to make excuses to go to the stores where certain women worked that he was attracted to just to see them. There was one where he told me that he was working up the courage to ask out right before she quit. Had she not quit, he may have actually gone through with it. There was another girl he had a class with a year ago. He is still hung up on her to this day which makes me think something happened between them. He swears he never did anything, but how can one believe someone who has already lied so much? A few months ago he actually tried to convince me that the only way he could get over her was if he dated her. I told him to just go do it then, but then he changed his mind saying he didn't want to lose me and what we have. I've told him that after I graduate and establish a career, that if he is still this way, we are done. Unfortunately I can't leave sooner because I am currently unemployed due to covid. He is the only one working right now so I am reliant on him. I'm at a loss right now, and no longer sure as to which way is up. When you're in a relationship with someone you're giving your all too, only to find out they were putting in like 30 percent, it makes living with this person so difficult. It makes the future seem so bleak and cold. Especially when even now, he still tries to make excuses to justify his behavior.