marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    When I posted this, I thought for sure I was complaining about nothing. Thank you for validating my feelings on this.
    He's always been a selfish person, at least, according to him. Whether or not it is related to his addiction has yet to be discovered. Every Wednesday he gets into this mindset where he becomes more selfish than usual and it becomes a bit more difficult to ignore because he is angry most of the time as well. I keep hoping that one day he will turn around. I dont know if I should hope, since it may not happen and would just lead to disappointment.

    I got petty earlier and unplugged the wifi router. Now he's downstairs trying to figure out why his computer isn't working. It was mean, yes, but made me smile a bit so there's that.

    For the record, I plugged it back in
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Lol! I would totally have done something like that
     
  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Update: I plugged it back in before he realized it was unplugged. The cord I unplugged was the main one, not the power cord. By unplugging that one, he was sent an error message on his computer about how the router could not connect to the server. After plugging it back in, it takes about an hour to reset. He was in panic mode and told me that we needed to call the company and set up a service call.
    I'm curious now, as to how many times I can do that before he realizes it is me and not faulty service.
    I feel so petty lol
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Does he use the internet for work purposes? Our internet goes out fairly frequently as we are very rural. A couple hours should not send someone into panic mode! Lol. What would your husband have done if you had told him he either watches your child or he cleans up the room the pets were in? Before he started recovery, before we knew it was even an addiction, I did not ask my husband for help. I would tell him that I had to do x so he needed to do y. I didn’t ask or give him a choice. He use to get so angry with me, but I really didn’t give a sh**. However, I could never get him to clean up around the house or do dishes. As he said “ he didn’t care if it was dirty so why should he clean?”. When he told our marriage counselor that we lived like roommates, I responded that if he were my roommate I would’ve kicked him out 28 years ago! That no one would live with someone who was this selfish and such a pig around the house. One time he invited friends over for a bbq, it was always very important to him what his friends thought, so he wanted me to clean the house. I didn’t. He kept asking me when I was going to and I was very non committal. Finally the morning of, he ended up cleaning the house. He was so angry, I just looked at him ( from our bed I was napping in) and said “ it doesn’t feel good does it?”. The problem is, we are trying to show someone in addiction how selfish they are but someone in addiction can’t see it. They can’t comprehend it while still in addiction. My husband weeded our entire front yard this week, 5 acres! Not once in 28 years has he ever helped me outside. He does the dishes 2x a week now, picks up around the house, he took the car and got new tires! He cut down 4 fallen oaks this winter and cut, split, stacked it for me. The first 8 months of recovery I saw improvements in his selfishness, but really it’s been this past year that he’s really changed. He’s surprised me with dinner, offers to make me lunch or breakfast. He opens my car door for me again like when we were dating. I could go on and on. Every night he asks if I’d like a back/shoulder massage because he knows I’m usually sore. It’s absolutely crazy to me to see what a profound difference recovery has had on him. Day before yesterday , he slipped back into addict mode. Sat out in the kitchen all day on his phone. So we discussed it. I knew why, he got some really super disappointing news. I was disappointed as well. The news made him sad and scared.. so he got on the phone and attended and saa meeting called a sponsor then we sat and talked. He knows how easy it is to slip back and I’m not talking about slipping by pmo, I’m talking about the very beginning of the addiction cycle. That’s where addicts need to stop the bus from driving off the cliff. Do you have any boundaries with tech? Perhaps that would help if you did.
     
  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He uses it for school, and for learning computing programs. He also uses it for sports, as I've mentioned.
    The restriction we have is that his tablet has to stay upstairs. That was the device he used to watch P on, and that was a restriction he gave himself. That is pretty much the only restriction we have.

    When we were first married,, we shared responsability with everything. As years went by, that became less and less. We did always maintain that pretty equal schedule on cooking dinners, up until he went to work in construction. After leaving that job, the responsibilities are divided along the 70/30 line, sometimes less on his part. When his recovery started, it went to 50/50. Then he fell back and most everything was up to me again. We even tried a chart that we went by where we both made dinner and cleaned up afterwards every night, but that lasted for only a few days. He will cook and clean when I have class or a commitment where I can't, but that is only a few days a week. He will also clean the kitchen a few times a weeks as well, only if it gets to the point where he sees I will not do it. We have a routine in the morning with our little one where she gets washed up, teeth brushed, then her room is cleaned up and swept and mopped. She's autistic so this routine is super important to maintain because not only does it help her emotionally to stick with a routine, it also helps her to learn to eventually take care of her own stuff. We are supposed to share this routine, but it is 85 percent me doing it all alone. The times he doesn't help is because he is using that time to respond to someone on this site, or watching a video, or making himself breakfast.
    I generally don't ask him for help because he gets so mad when I do. I'm cutting into his time to do whatever. I will mention every now and again that something needs to be done, and he will take the hint and do it some of the time.
    The internet was only out for about an hour last night. He was still able to finish watching his highlights before it cut him off, so he wasn't terribly affected by it. I think some of the panic was him worrying about being on the internet today, and whether or not he was going to be able to attend class.
    We did talk a bit about how selfish he has been. I really don't know if he will change or if he wants to. He said that he feels as though the best he can do is to remain neutral, where he isn't completely selfish, but also not completely considerate of others.

    I suppose since he is still in that mindset he doesn't see it. What was interesting to me was last night, I came into the bedroom and told him that I wished he would have helped me earlier when I needed him and reminded him of the things I needed to get done. I then shut the door in anger because he just shrugged like it was no big deal and went back to his sports. This morning, when I asked him why he did that instead of coming to help, he told me it was because I said it was okay. Umm.. I never said it was okay, nor did I give any indication that it was. He tried to convince me that he was aware of what was going on through my head at the time, and apparently I was thinking it was okay that he continued to watch sports so that was why he did so. I'm not sure what universe he is living in where he feels as though he is more aware of my thought processes than I am, but maybe I should go live there because the me in that universe seems more content with his actions.
     
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  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I was reading research articles the other day and came across one that talked about a new type of therapy that is being used, and it has been used in addiction treatment and shows to be more effective than standard cognitive behavior therapy. It is called MCT, or metacognitive therapy. It tackles the process of positive and negative metacognitive thoughts that are experienced in episodes of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and pornography addiction recovery. As far as I know, this is not a therapy that is here in the US yet. I ordered the book that talks about anxiety and depression and the one that talks about addiction, but have only received the former one so far. Just reading some of the things in the depression section remind me so much about my husbands actions that it is uncanny. I read some of the stuff off to him this morning and he replied with "why is someone writing a book about me?"
    I wanted to try a few of the techniques with him, but I am not sure he will try them since I'm the one talking about it. So I am going to search later to see if I can find a video of it being explained by a man so he can watch it.
    I can see how it would be effective in treating aspects of the addiction and help people get out of those "urges" and negative thought processes a lot better than traditional CBT would. There is a member on my dissertation committee who is an addiction instructor and so I'm considering bringing this up to him so he can teach future counselors about its usefulness. Ever since joining my committee, he has seen the importance of teaching about porn addiction to these students, which is a good thing, especially since it will be in the next DSM from what I've read.
    I'm hoping that through all of this research that more information is learned by others and that more effective treatment plans can be made in the future. I figured I would mention this in my journal because if anyone happens to stumble across my posts, they can see that there is a new therapy and can look into it to see if it will help them.
     
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  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I can totally relate to this. While my husband has definitely grown while in recovery, I still see a lot of resistance and irritation any time I ask for or need help. Most recently, a couple of months ago I injured myself pretty badly. He volunteered (I did not ask) to stay home the first day to help me. Literally one hour into it I got a poorly disguised sigh and eye roll for daring to ask him to bring me a few things because it hurt to get up. That was a profound moment for me. It really made me realize that not everything will be 'fixed' even if they have been in active, successful recovery. It was easy to think that once things got moving along well, these negative or harsh personality and character traits would magically be gone. But sometimes recovery reveals the layers and brings to light that not all we see is due to the addiction. Some things are just THEM. Good or bad, they are still human.
     
  8. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I hear you.
    I have gone through this marriage telling myself that it isnt that bad, and I'm just making a bigger deal out of it than it is. For the most part, I can navigate through everything just fine and it doesn't matter if he is being selfish or not. There are just some days that it shines in my face like a sunbeam and I can't ignore it no matter how hard I try. It has become a pattern where every Wednesday afternoon he gets angry and super selfish, then Wednesday evening he is depressed, angry, and still super selfish. Thursday he bounces back a small bit, but a tiny thing will send him spiraling into depression again. Then by Friday, he is a little back to "normal" but still depressed and can easily be triggered by things. So it is basically like I'm living with one person Saturday through Tuesday, and this person still gets angry, but can be easily redirected to something else to avert the anger. Then Wednesday through Friday I'm living with the king of DepressionSelfishAnger. I'm not sure which one is the real him yet, but I will continue to monitor any progression away from the maladaptive behaviors.
     
  9. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    So weird it's so predictable based on the day. Is his therapy every wednesday? Or something at work?
     
  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It is when my daughter has speech therapy. Her therapist was one of the people he used to sexualize. He has convinced himself that if he is angry, he won't be triggered by her. After we finish her therapy, we go to the store on the way home. It has been part of our daughters routine for a long time. He remains angry so he doesn't get triggered by the women in the store.
    The thing is, he still gets triggered. So his "anger shield" isn't effective. Since he still gets triggered while he is angry, it makes him angrier, which then leads to depression for getting triggered.
     
  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I question sometimes if my husband really does want to get better or if he is just on idle until he gains a bit a freedom. One day he is going on about how much better he feels. The next day he's trying to look into someone's mirror to see the woman in the car.
    He tells me this, and basically says if he had been angry, he never would have deliberately tried to creep on that woman. But since he tried to go the way of being in a better mood, he couldn't help himself.
    Even with me explaining that he is the one in control of himself and he had the choice to do that or not do that, he is convinced it was somehow due to the fact that he was not angry. So now I have two choices: either be with a man that continues to chase after other women, or be with a man who is constantly angry. Of course, there's always that third choice, which I need not mention.

    It is so hard to plan for a future when you're not even sure who will be in it.
     
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  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I have heard that many relationships experience this. That the spouse thinks once the addict is in recovery the marriage will be fixed, or all the problems will disappear. Only to find some of the problems don’t disappear, that some of the problems are normal marital strife( selfishness) . For me, my husband has the softest heart and is far more thoughtful now than I am. His selfishness is gone. It terrifies me, because of how good it’s been the past year. Though he’s been working recovery for 2 years, the changes have continued and this past year it’s like he is someone else. His struggles have really been in being vulnerable, what he sees as deep sharing, I think of as small talk. Maybe since your husband has been in recovery a couples counselor would help? I generally don’t advocate for that, but I think your husband has been clean a while?
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Yes, he has been clean for about 3 years now. I honestly have no interest in couples counseling. I probably should have clarified that he has definitely grown at a number of things. Other things, not so much. I have accepted that those things may change with his continued recovery efforts, but maybe they won't. They aren't deal breakers and nothing I can't live with if they don't change, I will just have to adjust my expectations, like this journey often requires of us. The things that have changed in a positive way have come slowly as he learns more about himself and works with his therapist. I have hope that things will continue in this direction, even if it is painstakingly slow.
     
  14. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Such an odd defense mechanism. I mean I know I used anger to block out other emotions and be defensive instead of really listening and such. But if it's a concious decision I think it's interesting
     
  15. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I understand. Evidently anger has been the only emotion that he sees that keeps him somewhat protected against the triggers. I can't help but feel there was partial blame towards me when he did what he did because I told him his anger shield wasn't effective because he still got triggered. Then I went into some things about the new therapy I'm reading about, and he may have thought to use that instead, which wasn't explained thoroughly to him since I still didn't have all the information. When he said "that never would have happened if I had been mad" it felt as though he wanted to say "that never would have happened if you hadn't told me that anger doesn't work". Just the way he looked at me when he said it seemed like he blamed me, but I could also be reading too much into it.
     
  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I received some good news last night. I found out my job starts in August which means I won't have to pay for my classes the rest of the time I'm in school since my job comes with a tuition waiver. The head of my department told me that my research idea was so unique and so interesting that he would be willing to sponsor courses that are specific to my topic for me to teach since it brings something new and needed to our department. I never know how to respond to praise or good news appropriately so I respond by changing the subject. So now I will have to email him and ask about more details related to that so I'm aware and mentally prepared to take on that task.
    I wanted to share good news in my journal, especially since it comes so infrequently.
     
  17. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    Congratulations! This seems like an amazing opportunity, and from what you've written, it's obvious the opportunity came as a direct result of your diligence and hard work. I'm thrilled for you!
     
  18. Wow, that's fantastic! All your hard work is paying off. :)
     
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  19. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Wow! That's amazing. Well done @DefendMyHeart
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2021
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  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My ex husband contacted me the other day regarding our daughter. Evidently he was reaching his end because of her depression and anger towards him and was considering taking her to an inpatient treatment center. I told him that what he needed to try first was restriction of her electronics.
    It is an unfortunate thing, how younger generations have become so addicted to things, especially considering how they're everyday things like games. I'm sitting next to a big stack of research papers that go into detail about internet, gaming, and porn addiction, and how they show similar symptoms such as depression, anger, and anxiety.
    So we are on day 4 of restricting her gaming device. The last 2 nights she has been at my house and she has been resistant to giving it up. She tells me that I'm not treating her as an adult (she's 13) and how it isnt fair that I'm taking away her pass time. According to her father, she was very receptive about it over there.
    This is going to be a long year.

    On the plus side, I spoke with one of the supervisors at the clinic where my youngest daughter has her ABA therapy through about a research idea I had and she was in love with it. If it turns out to be successful, long term it could be something implemented into schools as a form of addiction prevention in youth. I just have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get it going first. Probably won't be able to complete this initial project for a few years, but it is exciting nonetheless.

    My oldest son and his new girlfriend came to visit us today, which was nice. I haven't seen him for quite awhile so we had a lot to catch up on. His girlfriend was nice and seemed very interested in getting involved with my other kids and offered to provide music lessons for my 13 year old. During this visit, the creeping thought of how my husband is handling being around her was a reminder of how things are still there in my mind and how areas needed to still be healed. There is a chance they might stay with us for some time which worries me because of how bad my husbands thoughts can be. But I could not turn them away if it was a choice between being homeless and staying here regardless of how my husband is. Their apartment caught on fire and they lost everything and have been staying in a hotel for a week now. They did find a new place but won't be able to move there until the 19th. We will see how things play out and hopefully they play out well for everyone.
     
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