marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Don't implicit biases apply whether or not we want them to, whether or not we are aware of them?
     
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  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    There are unconscious biases that a person is unaware of, but an implicit bias questions the level of awareness the person has between unconscious and conscious knowledge. Yes, there are unconscious biases and heuristics are used to fill the gap between reaction and action towards a person.
    Either way, they are both learned from past experiences and what is taught. So they are learned behaviors. What is learned can be unlearned. It is only a matter of becoming aware of them, if that makes sense?
     
  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Looking at myself in the mirror this morning and realized just how far I still need to go in my own healing. The stress from all the lying, gaslighting, etc. Took a huge toll on my physical body. I still have remnants of the psychological toll it took on how I see the person looking back at me in the mirror. I still have a small desire to look differently, more attractive, better body, etc. I found myself recalling old memories of when I was on a social media turned dating site and how I was one of the more "popular" women on there. After experiencing the abuse of my ex husband, that popularity temporarily made me feel better about myself until I realized how superficial it all was. I wasn't being noticed for how I was as a person, I was being noticed for how I looked. Looking back on that time with the knowledge I have now, it is very likely that a lot of those men suffered from P addiction as well considering how they were so willing to throw away all dignity for a small amount of attention they would receive from a woman.
    Having medical conditions reversed seem to be taking forever. I wish to exercise like I was able to when I was younger, but I am unable to until my body is able to utilize the food I eat for energy rather than attacking my own body.

    I've also realized that my lack of motivation to complete productive things stems from my exhaustion from living in survival mode for so long. I have to tell myself that it is okay to rest in the middle of the day if I need to. This isn't something I've ever been able to do for as long as I can remember.

    My job search isn't going well. I start my new position at the end of July so I am trying to find something just until then. Employers don't want to hire someone temporarily, so it makes things a bit more difficult. A friend of mine offered to loan us some money to pay back later, after I graduate and get established in a career. I may need to take her up on that offer, as much as I dont want to. I also don't want to go into survival mode again and prolong my healing. Oh, the conundrum.
     
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  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Not a post I can 'like', but know that we are thinking of you and sending you postitive thoughts.

    This bit is chilling
    I recognise myself in that.
     
  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I think the saddest thing I've seen with this addiction (all addictions really) is people forget their self-worth. That is why they do that.
     
  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've posted recently about some issues that I've had with my health and as a result, I've had a lot of memories from childhood coming back to me.

    Through the process of trying to "correct" the low acid my stomach evidently produces, I've experience a lot of deep bone pain. It started in my legs and feet and made walking almost impossible. It has since moved up into my ribs. While trying to find a cause to discuss with my doctor, I happened to stumble across a condition called osteopenia, which is basically the bodies inability to absorb the necessary nutrients needed to help with bone remineralization.
    I remember as a young teen, I had similar pains in my bones and my mom often referred to them as "growing pains". I was also prescribed all sorts of stuff to take, including something I needed to help my body digest foods. Otherwise I had no appetite and never wanted to eat. It is crazy how things seem to be back to that point once again, which leads me to believe this is more of a genetic issue than one caused by stress (although stress could certainly exacerbate it).
    After my father passed away, my mom, even though she ate regularly, she ended up losing a bunch of weight and was so tiny. She also had issues with her teeth which resulted in having to have all of them pulled when she was around 35 and given dentures to wear instead. I dont remember much about why they had to pull her teeth because I was still fairly young at the time, but I do remember her talking about how she had "soft teeth" that couldn't heal on their own so they had to come out. She thought it was due to her not taking care of them properly, but she did all the normal stuff that everyone does: brushing after meals, flossing regularly, going to the dentist once or twice a year, etc. All of this make me wonder if she had the same condition but didn't know it. In 2016 when she was diagnosed with cancer, the most aggressive treatment couldn't prevent it from spreading rapidly and aggressively through her body. She passed away in 2017 due to complications from it.
    The condition osteopenia comes from vitamin D deficiency. After looking at the last results from my lab work, even though I was taking vitD supplements, it was still deficient. My doctor wants to test me for other things, but maybe I can ask him about osteopenia instead.

    I spoke to my brother through a 4 hour phone conversation yesterday. We had not really talked since he moved to another state, which is about 26hours away from where I live if you were to drive there. He doesn't know about my husbands addiction, even though I have considered confiding that in him. There is still that aspect of secondary shame that comes from this though. And regardless of everything, I still feel the need to protect my husband. My brother probably sees P as something harmless and wouldn't understand my struggle anyway. He's never talked with me about my research, which I'm sorta thankful for because he would know my husband was the reason behind it at that point.
     
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  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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  8. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband has decided he no longer plans to write in his journal. He is not tempted to go back to PM, he just wants to focus on what has transpired as a result of his addiction.
    He had instead become addicted to the attention he received on here. I can certainly see the impact it had on him to check his notifications constantly, and become so engrossed in what comments he received that he ignored his surroundings. This was something he discovered on his own a few days ago. He had to do a math project for a class but kept putting it off. He claimed it was because he wanted to make sure he was available to help me because of the amount of pain I was in (helping with the dogs and our kids), but as these words were coming out of his mouth, he realized that he actually was not helping me, but rather, spending his time on this site. I was still the one doing everything. Something just clicked in his head mid sentence.
    He became obsessed with what he knows, and what he thinks he knows. So much that it has been keeping him up at night. He says he gives advice on here to others, but they felt empty because the things he talked about were not things he himself has experienced yet. It is like telling people that they should stay off of social media while you are engrossed in it.
    He has made significant changes in mental growth and he is less like a teenager trying to find their way through life, and becoming more like an adult. He does still struggle to keep his anger in check, but has made some progress away from that.
    Part of me considered leaving this site as well because I'm no longer experiencing betrayal trauma to the extent that it engulfs my life. Ive made progress with my own healing, at least emotionally. I still have quite a way to go with physical healing, but only some of that is related to trauma. I will probably stick around and update my journal periodically. I couldn't leave completely anyway because I still have other agendas with this site. I will be on here from time to time, especially as I get further along with my projects. I won't share the information publicly anymore, so if anyone is interested in knowing how things are going, feel free to message me about it. I will have to do what I can to protect my intellectual property going forward.
     
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  9. BigBrain

    BigBrain Fapstronaut

    'had instead become addicted to the attention'

    Thank you for sharing.
    One of my big insights into addiction is that it's "easy" to deal with if you swap one addiciton for another instead of dealing with the root-cause.
    If I stop smoking but pick up caffeine instead or maybe stop drinking and _have_ to go to AA indefinitely, I am still driven by my addiction. Just to something else.
    For me the realisation was when I cleaned up my overeating, dealt with my depression and started training in a major way instead. After 10+ years deeply invested in sports I got injured in a way that I can't continue doing them. Guess what's back?

    Fixing the root-cause is not done by masking the addictive traits by over-doing something else.
    /BB

    (Coinicidentally I stopped using tobacco after 30-ish years by just being done with it. Clean for 8 years now and zero urges.)
     
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  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I completely agree. It is super easy to go from one addiction to another and think you're doing okay.
    We've brought any and all underlying issues that we possibly could to the surface over these last 4 or 5 years. Although they are part of his awareness, it is still up to him whether he chooses to continue to address/work on them. We have done a lot of CBT therapy to help assist him. I have introduced him to MCT therapy because I've read a few studies that show MCT is more effective than CBT when it comes to addiction.
    I'm hoping he realizes the refocus from one to the other. I dont want to be the one to point it out to him because of the resistance it may cause in the process.
     
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  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband: I'm not an addict anymore
    Also my husband: I scrolled past a picture today that "seemed" to contain sexual images, but since I wasn't sure, I had to scroll back up to look at it again, and it did.

    I have to admit, I was hopeful for a bit. Replacing one addiction for another is certainly a path back to the original addiction if given enough time
     
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  12. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Needed to edit my last post. He was fully aware it was a sexually explicit photo and decided he needed to scroll back to it to take another look at it. He sure likes to skirt around the truth. Part of me thinks this was a build up, that he had been doing other stuff and just decided to confess this part to me. To make me believe he was getting better so I let my guard down. I really don't know anymore.
     
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  13. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Well that's a turnaround in a week.
     
  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Honestly, part of me wants to laugh about it because of how quickly he decended after being so confident. Not laugh at him, just the situation in general
     
  15. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the big question I have is what he was scrolling through that randomly had a sexually explicit photo in it. I assume instagram or other social media?
     
  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He was looking for a picture for his background on his computer or some program he has on the computer
     
  17. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    i mean he can't 100% control what shows up on there. He can control his reaction to it. That's why I wrote my inner circles to use works like "intentionally".
     
  18. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    The issue was him seeing a sexually explicit photo, scrolling past it, then deciding he needed a better look at it and scrolling back up to it to take a second glance. Then afterwards, deciding to tell me about it because he felt guilty, then lying to me, then finally telling the whole truth. It was the act of him doing it, then him lying about it is why it is upsetting, not him looking at backgrounds
     
  19. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    yeah - that's what I meant by him being able to control his reaction to it.

    Sexually explicit images naturally catch our attention. I can't blame him for noticing it. But the intentional second look, the lie, etc. thats on him.
     
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  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I mean, in all honesty, this isnt the only time he has looked for those. He used to change them frequently, and was fully aware he may come across explicit ones. I dont know if that was playing in the background of his mind when he started the process or not. I would ask him, but he is mad at me right now because I got upset about what he did and is avoiding me
     

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