I think there is much to be said about recovery as well as nothing at all. There are so many times that I go from feeling like nothing is ever going to get better to feeling that nothing seems real anymore. It goes back and forth all the time. The former tends to hit during times my husband acts out and lies whereas the latter tends to hit during "down" times when he seems to be doing well with his recovery. I often question if any of this really matters in the grand scheme of things. There is so much more in life that is beyond this addiction, my husbands recovery, and my own healing, but this often gets masked through the process. I find myself spending hours and hours scrolling my news feed searching for life and connection out there only to realize how much time has passed and how much of it was wasted. I would say it was a form of self-loathing, but I often feel empty when engaging in this random scrolling. I am in between semesters right now so I feel like I'm trying to make up for all the time I would normally spend reading articles or writing something, but I know that would only be an excuse. I really don't know why I do it. I dont feel depressed, sad, anxious, or upset. I do know that it occurs for several weeks after my husband acts out, so there is a pattern to it. Perhaps I'm looking for an escape from myself? Even while facing what would be my emotions head on, I still overcome them rather quickly, so it doesn't appear to be an escape. Boredom? Perhaps. I do have my qualifying exam approaching in July and I really should be focusing on preparing for that. Yet I find ways to fill my time elsewhere. Do I lack motivation and need direction? I think this may be the case. I'm used to deadlines and someone holding me accountable to my projects in class. That accountability hasn't been there for several months because my last instructor is the head of the department. Since he is always busy, he doesn't have a whole lot of time to check on our work to make sure we are progressing in the way we should. This is unusual for me because I've always been a self-motivated person. Prior to D-day, I would make sure my assignments were complete and ready to go months before they were due. This is where I need to get back to. I could easily write up my paper for quals right now and have it completed before my start date, but... no motivation. As I keep telling myself, "I will start it tomorrow". Eventually "tomorrow" will come.