marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It is exhausting living with someone who makes things more difficult for you whenever they're upset about something, or because they're resentful toward you.

    My husband and I were on our way to the store with our daughter yesterday. On the way there, I started to feel ill. I didn't want to mention this to my husband because he isn't sympathetic and gets angry about things that mess up his plans. So I kept it to myself and just tried to function as normal as possible. So we get to the store and shortly after we arrive, he begins to become agitated toward me. I realize at this point that I must be giving the impression that I'm upset about something so I adjust how I'm acting and reacting to him to give him the impression that everything is fine. This doesn't work. Everytime I came to put something in the cart, he would turn it in a way that made it hard for me to access it. At one point, I was putting something on the bottom and he moved the cart just inches away from the shelves giving me very little room. I stopped making an effort shortly after that because, come on. I'm in an aisle looking at something and he decided he was done and went to check out. I didn't know that so after grabbing a few items for our daughter, I started to look for him through the store. I barely caught a glimpse of the top of his head at the check out and when I went there, he was almost done. So I put the items down and we finished, so he takes off out of the store, making sure he's walking way in front of me. We load up and don't speak to each other the entire way home. Once we are home, we put stuff away and start to prepare dinner. When that is cooking, he finally asks me what is wrong with me. I told him I wasn't feeling well, that my heart was acting odd on the way there. He looked at me and looked down, at that point he's realized I wasn't mad at him so now he feels ashamed for a moment. I asked him what was wrong with him, and he replied he thought I was mad at him. So I told him "just think of all that energy you could have saved had you just asked me right away if everything was okay".

    Then came the question of, why would he think I was mad. He said because he was having a hard time at the store because there were women there, he thought I was aware of this inner struggle and got mad at him. So instead of using his energy to comfort and reassure me, he decided instead to get mad at me.

    He carries resentment into today, which became evident this morning. He started to let the dogs out, but forgot to open the door for them. Since I was sitting by the door and noticed them coming, I opened it and we both kind of laughed about it. Then he said "you saw that I forgot but decided to just test me and see what I would do huh? Everything is a test, you're always testing me". I have no idea where this is coming from since I've not "tested him" on anything. He said it in a joking way, but there was some venom behind his words. I told him that was untrue, as I had no idea he was about to let the dogs out and it wasn't until they started to run toward the door that I realized what he was doing.

    So this afternoon, I have to go out of town for a doctor appointment, something I've done nearly every Thursday for almost 3 years. I asked him 30 minutes before leaving if he knew what the gas situation was in the truck since he had taken it out that morning. He said the gas light wasn't on. So I'm thinking it is fine, which turned out to be untrue. He waited until it was time for me to leave before coming upstairs to take our daughter. Right as I'm leaving the driveway, the gas light comes on. No worries, since it hasn't come on until now, it means there's about a quarter tank or so. I head out and right outside the city where my doctor practices, the truck runs out of gas. I'm late to my appointment. I texted my husband after arriving there and let him know it was because the truck ran out of gas as the reason I texted him late. He basically replied with a "that sucks" sorta text. And now he's mad at me again because he thinks I'm mad at him.

    It is difficult. When you think of how much time could be saved, how much effort and energy could go towards improving the marriage is instead wasted on such pettiness. Because he can't bring himself to apologize, or feel remorse for his actions, the only sensible thing he can think to do is to be angry with me and just hope I will forget about it all so he can go back to his life. Instead of trying to come up with a "if I think you're mad at me, I will ask if that is the case rather than respond with anger" his solution is to instead, leave me in the truck while he goes shopping so "I don't have to worry about it". Instead of acting like he even cares about my wellbeing, his solution is to try and pretend everything is just fine in his head while being angry with me until I show signs of not being mad at him.

    I'm tired.
     
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  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry. I’m tired for you!
     
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  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He was aware the truck needed gas this morning when he took it out. He said as much when I told him that I got lucky that the person who stopped to help just happened to have a gas can with them. So he tells me he should have put gas in it this morning, and he would have, had he not been himself. Basically "if I wasn't so selfish and only think for myself, I would have taken you into consideration, but since I'm not that way, I guess you can't blame me".
     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Ugh. To be fair, I’m the one that leaves our truck on empty and my husband has had to deal with that more times than he should. He can tell story after story of how I just won’t learn to put gas in the vehicles. But he knew that before he married me! Lol twice he had to bring me gas while dating.
     
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  5. I'm sorry. That truly is exhausting, not to mention so much additional unnecessary stress. Besides selfishness, it must be the emotional immaturity that goes along with PA that makes them react like that? My husband has done this, too. It's hard to understand why they wouldn't want to immediately know if you're mad and what it is that made you mad...the same way I do if he's suddenly angry. But, that's because I would want to help him fix whatever situation upset him in the first place (if possible), whether I caused it or not. Their response of "now I'm going to be mad at you for being mad at me" is unhelpful, childish, and frustrating, and it's even more so when they're mad because they've incorrectly perceived our anger. Or, actually, it probably isn't even that they've perceived us as angry, but instead, it's the shame or guilt or anger with themselves that makes them automatically place it on us because then they're not responsible (in their own mind).

    So, a "solution" that doesn't solve anything. Great. And, I think it's probably more about him not having to worry about it than it is you.
     
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  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I was telling someone this the other day. One of the reasons men are more prone to addiction is because of the way they are taught to think when they're little. Boys are pushed into science stuff whereas girls are pushed into more social stuff. From a young age, girls are taught more about how to suspend our own feelings in favor of finding out why someone else acted one way or another. This way of thinking allows us to identify the emotion and break it down to understand the other person better, which transfers over to our own emotions. Men are not taught thus. Their thinking is more black and white so over time, there becomes these short cuts in reactions they have. For example, someone hurts us and it makes us sad. We can identify the fact we are sad and at the same time, try to identify what created their emotional response that ended with us being sad. Men on the other hand, if someone hurts them, they get angry. They still experience sad, but it short cuts to anger because they're not taught to identify what sad is, or what would make someone hurt them. They are quick to blame others and quick to blame themselves, but this is because this is their response to "taking back their power" and getting away from the person that hurt them.

    We are all capable of learning how to think and respond one way or the other. Men who have these quick short cuts are generally the ones who felt powerless when they were young. These men are more susceptible to addictions because that is something that is within their control (or so they perceive) and it helps to mask the emotions they are unfamiliar with. So when my husband is in the heat of rage, I will ask him "what hurt you?" "What made you sad?" Because he has to learn to work backwards to identify these feelings he's unfamiliar with. Because he doesn't know how to handle them within himself, he doesn't know how to handle them in others either.

    So, he got mad at me because he thought I was aware of his internal dialog and he felt guilty about it. So I asked him, if you thought I was upset because there were other women around, how could you have responded to alleviate any unsettling feelings you though I may have had at the time? Now, a woman would say something to the effect that he could reassure me by talking to me, putting his arms around me, just doing things to show me that he was doing his best to ward things off so he could continue the journey of recovery, right? But for my husband, he had absolutely no idea of what to do outside of doing his best to not let his unstable thoughts get the better of him. This is a form of avoidance attachment. I had to explain it to him in a way that by comforting g me, he would be comforting himself too, and it would help us be closer. So now the response is also for his betterment and not just a chore or responsibility that is meant to help me and only me. Whether or not he follows through next time will be interesting to see. I may be updating my journal from the truck while he's shopping lol.
     
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  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I sometimes think of divorcing my husband, even though I understand so much about him. This reasoning isn't necessarily related to the addiction itself, it is related from the extreme bursts of anger he has. If it's towards me and I'm the only one who had to deal with it, it wouldn't be so bad. He can be mad at me all he wants, I really don't care because I know it is something deeper. It is when it comes out on my kids or my dogs that it is too much.

    I spent 11 years of my life with an abusive man. I fought like hell to get myself and my children away from him. I sometimes feel like my life is stuck in that scenario again. My husband isn't physically abusive, just very passive aggressive and selfish. He gets mad at the kids when they get upset, storm off, and slam their doors, yet he does the same thing.
    I was upset with him earlier because he was harsh with our 6 year old. She's autistic, nonverbal, and does not understand certain things such as, why does daddy let me have chips from his bag all the time, but today he slaps my hand away? So I looked him dead in the eye afterwards for a moment and said exactly what I would say to a toddler "use your words". He tried to brush it off, but I just repeated it. I reminded him of how upset he gets when the older kids slap her hand away when she tries to take their food, therefore he had no right to do the same. I explained how he knows she doesn't understand things unless she is taught, just like anyone and everyone else, and there's no reason he couldn't take his headphones out, take a moment away from his video entertainment, and explain it to her. She's smart, she'll get it.

    I look at the long term effects my ex husband's anger had on our kids and I dont want that to happen to my youngest. I don't want her growing up in fear and shame.
     
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  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Will your daughter ever be able to talk? Does she know sign language? My daughter was just recently diagnosed on the spectrum( so much makes sense now!). Im already pretty patient, but had to learn to be even more so with my daughter. I image it’s even more frustrating if they are non verbal. Sometimes divorce only seems like a better alternative and sometimes it actually is.
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    We hope one day her words will come flooding out, but it is uncertain if it will ever happen. Her receptive language is enormous though, so she understands things we say to her as well as things we talk about that we didn't realize she was aware of until after a few years. She was like a little secret spy, haha.

    She has said a few words here and there. She actually said mom twice the other day, which she has said in the past but it wasn't directed at me. This time it was. She was upset and actually called me because she was upset and wanted to snuggle with me.

    She doesn't know sign language in its entirety, but she has used hand signals she learned through speech therapy. The "all done" "more" and "bye bye" ones. She doesn't always use them, as she has learned it is easier to just direct us to what she wants through gestures because it narrows it down more to what she wants. It doesn't help her to gesture "more" if we have no idea what she's wanting more of. So she leads us to the fridge or cabinet to gesture to what she wants. It is more efficient for her lol.

    I do parent training meetings with the ABA people weekly and it generally is a conversation about them asking me what should they do to get our daughter toward this goal or that goal. The lack of understanding about autism from people that are supposed to specialize in it is odd to me. They still dont understand her body language even after working with her for over a year.

    If she never talks, I'm hoping maybe we can teach her to read and write so she can communicate things to us beyond food she wants to eat.
     
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My daughter is super smart and her understanding of words was huge. At 4 yrs old she was upset I wouldn’t let her wear a dress to the pumpkin patch ( school was very explicit about what they wanted the children to wear) she came downstairs, crying, and motioning with her hands up and down her body said “ I look hideous “. I was amazed she used the word correctly.even if I though she looked super cute! Here’s to hoping your daughter learns even more words and picks up reading and writing!
     
  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Reminds me of something from when I was a kid (I'm also on the spectrum). Words spoken may be done in a functional way, but the meaning behind them isn't always the same as how it is said. I always used to tell my mom that I looked ugly, but it was because I didn't like it when my hair was down and touching my face. I learned that phrase through my mom when she had said she looked ugly when her hair was down, while running her fingers through her hair. So to me, I thought by saying what I did, it meant I didn't like my hair down. It was compounded even more so when my hair was up in a ponytail or something and my mom would tell me I looked pretty. I understood that the words pretty and ugly were opposite, but lacked the understanding that it was in reference to my face, body, or whatever else it was meant to represent. It wasn't until I was a young teen that one of my friends explained it to me when I asked. Her hair was up but she called herself ugly, so it didn't make sense to me.
    I often wonder how my daughter will be if she starts talking. To try and avoid confusion with her, I try to be explicit with my words and make sure the exact context I am using them in is there. I understand that things are more literal when being processed through the mind of an autistic person, so it has been interesting to see how certain things are changed in the ABA program because of what I've told these people about autism and my daughter. We are looking into research now, so hopefully we can get that off the ground in the next few months.
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes, my daughter takes everything literally. I used to say when I was super frustrated “ I could strangle you”. It was just a saying that I have no idea where I picked up, always said with laughter/joking but to express frustration. One day my daughter said “ could you not say that, it makes me afraid”. I was gutted. I swooped her up in a hug, told her how sorry I was and that I never wanted to make her afraid. Never said it again. Far more careful with my words. As an adult, my daughter still struggles with joking, sarcasm, social constructs but we are very close so she isn’t afraid to talk to me when she’s struggling.
     
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  13. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I can imagine! My mom always used to tell us if she ever caught us sneaking out at night, she would bust our kneecaps. At this point, our bedroom was on the second floor and was a straight shot down. It never crossed my mind to sneak out, but for years I thought my mom was camped out every night below the window "just in case" and I was always too afraid to look out the window at night in case she saw me and thought I was planning to sneak out, haha. Of course it was just a saying, but I seriously thought she would do it. Imagine my surprise when we moved to another house and my younger sister always used to sneak out at night, but never got her kneecaps busted when my mom caught her.

    She also used to say things like "I brought you into this world, so I can take you out" when she would get mad. I thought killing your own kids was just something parents were allowed to do.
     
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  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My parents never said things like that, so I have no idea why I did? I’m thankful she said something, she was quite young still, so I learned not to say anything like that to her again. Not even joking. Now, as an adult, I can kid around with her a little, but if I think she might have taken it seriously I always make sure she understands it was not literal! Every once in a while she jokes and kids too, lol and I have be on my toes to catch it. She is far smarter than I am!
     
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  15. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    One of the downsides of being autistic is trying to wrap my head around someone else's behavior.
    I have a friend who has ADHD and her and I are in the same program for school. I'm a bit further along than she is, so since I go through things before her, such as the dissertation defense, she is always asking for my help. When she was writing her defense, which basically means you write the first 3 of the 5 chapters of your dissertation, then take it to your committee and defend your study and data collection methods, she was super stressed and had a difficult time putting it together. I did her edits for her first two chapters to help her, but since she doesn't understand statistics, I copied and pasted my entire chapter 3 into her document so she would have an idea of what goes where. She was still having a hard time, so I wrote her methods section for her and on a separate document, wrote detailed notes on how to explain it to her committee.

    She and I spoke a few days ago when I asked her if she was interested in being a volunteer for the survey we are putting together for my job. She agreed, and was very excited to contribute. Since we needed several volunteers, I also put the question in the group chat we have set up for the other Doctoral students and asked them if anyone would like to participate. Shortly after that, my friend started acting cold towards me. I brushed it off thinking maybe she was stressed.
    Her and I made a guest appearance in one of the Doctoral classes for new students the next night. She went on and on about how she had so much help putting her dissertation defense together from one of our instructors, who didn't even have access to her document. I brushed it off again because I'm not one who needs credit for anything and figured she had her own reasons for doing what she did. Then tonight, she actually messages me out of the blue to let me know she did her defense, it went really well, and how thankful she was for starting her defense paper back in the summer. I know she didn't start it back then because I had helped her the whole way through and we started in November. So I'm trying to figure out why she is acting this way, or maybe I'm overthinking something. I just answered her as though she did it all herself because it seems as though she believes she did. Maybe she is upset that I asked other people to volunteer for the other study or maybe there's something else going on in her life right now that she's struggling with. I don't really know. If she thinks being selfish or petty about something is going to hurt my feelings, she obviously doesn't know what I've been dealing with all these years with my husband.

    Speaking of which, my husband went to his appointment this morning to start the process of being tested for ADHD. Hopefully once that happens, he can begin psychotherapy to assist his behavior changes.
     
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  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband has been having some difficulties lately. He expressed to me that his cue-reactions have been pretty strong, and that images of other women tend to stick around in his mind a bit longer than before. He hasn't felt the urge to watch anything, but he has felt a strong urge to watch videos and such (he is currently taking a video break to help with his healing). The videos he normally watches are sports and motivational speakers. He decided to take a break because of the amount of time he found he wasted on these every day. It has been helpful for the most part, but he was struggling for some reason and couldn't figure out why.

    Most sexual addictions are the result of trauma in some form or fashion. Going that route as a way to cope with life is a trauma response, with the root being that of insecure attachment. My husband has insecure avoidant attachment and it is something we have slowly worked on over the years. Because of this, he has become reliant on me to an extent, but still feels the need to push me away if I get too close because he is fearful of being hurt. He is aware of this and has been working on allowing himself to feel closer to me.

    I have surgery tomorrow and he is scared. He has been carrying around this fear since it was scheduled and as the date came closer, his fear has grown. There are obvious risks that come with surgery in of itself, but in my case, there is a bit more to it. If something were to go wrong, I cannot have a blood transfusion. I was told back in 2005, when I bled to death, that I needed to donate and store my own blood should I ever need it in the future. Of course I never did. So to help alleviate this issue, my kids are on "standby" in a sense, because theirs would probably be the closest match to mine should I need it. This only made his fear grow because "what if their dad doesn't allow them to go to the hospital to donate it if needed" and "what if they don't try to contact anyone and just give me blood from someone else, which would kill me". His fear of something happening that could lead to this series of events is valid, and I do hope nothing goes wrong to begin with that would prompt the initiation of these external events.

    So his fear of me dying during surgery has provoked this insecure attachment, which is causing him to "look for another attachment" in a sense. It is a trauma response that his brain has encoded as a child. We sat and discussed all of this and ways he can learn to soothe himself and have a positive outlook. At the end of the day, he does need to learn to be reliant on himself rather than on me because at some point I will die, as death is an inevitable consequence of life. He does understand this, but in his mind it is years down the road so he didn't feel as though he needed to think about it. At any point someone could be gone though, as I am sure a lot of people have experienced with relatives and close ones. Old age isn't a guarantee.

    He does appear to be doing better now and he seems as though his reactions have decreased since we talked. On another note, I have a job interview on Friday, the day after surgery, so that seems to have also helped him cope because he knows how I am with scheduled appointments. It is humorous to see it in that way, but it reassures him nonetheless.
     
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  17. Good luck with your surgery. I hope everything goes well for you and your husband. And, I'm sure you'll rock your interview. ;)
     
  18. Koli Pratham

    Koli Pratham Fapstronaut

    Good Luck with the surgery
     
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  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    The surgery went well, and I have been healing slowly. My job interview that took place the day after on the other hand, did not go well at all. There were a few complications after surgery that required me to be sedated a bit longer than I should have been, so my brain was not functional less than 24 hours later at my interview. It was torture and I really don't understand why they kept me on for the whole hour.
    My husband stepped up during the first week and helped me with almost everything. It was interesting to see that side of him because it had not been there before. We were talking about it and I casually mentioned how had the surgery took place 6 years ago, I would have been left on my own to do everything. The reason I know that is because I had surgery 6 years ago and had to come home and take care of everything as though I didn't just have my abdomen sliced open. He was too interested in video games, porn, and talking to other women to care whether or not I needed help. My surgery at that time took place on a Friday and I was back to work that following Monday.

    After about a week, his help started to decline. He would still come help me get dressed in the mornings, make coffee, and take the dogs out, but as the day went on, he was more interested in online pool than whether or not he should do something helpful. His help has continued to decline ever since. I know part of him feels like I'm going to just do things that need to be done, even though I shouldn't be doing them, but at the same time, I wouldn't have to do them if they were already done.

    He hasn't been spending time on his reading or computer programming over these last few weeks like he had been, opting instead to play his online game. His moods have fluctuated depending upon whether he was on a winning or losing streak, losing his temper several times because of the latter. He uses the excuse that he has to stay upstairs with me to help me, thus allowing him to spend all day on his tablet. But, the help is only there around 30 percent of the time.

    I understand that it takes a lot to look after someone long term, and it also takes a lot to take over someone else's tasks along with your own, but I feel as though a big part of why I'm taking longer to heal is because I have to continuously do things that need to be done that he can't be bothered with. I honestly don't know if it would be worth the effort to talk to him about any of this either.

    So life goes on. Day by day.
     
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