marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    The last few days have been a bit rough. I imagine it has a lot to do with the paper I am writing. Intrusive thoughts continue to come up, and with them, more questions I dont want answers to. Someone told me that they knew my husband loved me. The only thing that went through my head was, if that were true, he wouldn't have been trying to hook up with other women during the time we've been married. My husband and I discussed this after the 1st d-day, and he told me that he didn't know for sure if he would have cheated on me physically had another woman reciprocated his advances. That is why I feel like he went further with someone than he is willing to admit to me, and these thoughts haunt me. I know at this point in time, had he done that, he wouldn't admit it to me. The only way I would ever know is if someone else told me it happened. As forward as he was when I was around him, I can only imagine how he was when I wasn't around him.
    He appears as though he is recovering for the most part. He seems as though he is finally taking responsibility for his own recovery, and there is less of a burden on me to do things for him. We've had a few mornings now where we've been able to talk about things that are not related to his addiction, so that has been nice. It is still in the back of my head that trust is still shaky between him and I, and I keep anticipating our conversation turning into some new confession. I realize I've spent way too much time in fight or flight mode, and I need to learn to relax, but it is so hard to do. This constant state of panic is havoc on my adrenals, and I feel it. My doctor really wants to test my adrenal function to see where I'm at again, but as of now, I'm unemployed, which adds to the stress. It is a horrible cycle. I'm hoping January I am able to find another contract. Crossing my fingers.
    On the plus side, short of peer review, my research paper is done. I'm ready for this semester to end and for the winter break. Maybe I can focus more on healing myself and finding ways to divert these thoughts that continue to come up.
     
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  2. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    What does this mean though? As a woman, I feel like I don’t really pay attention to other men but if I do happen to notice someone, I could notice he’s handsome, but that’s that. What does this type of attraction mean for men? What does it do? I’m assuming it goes further than surface level if it’s enough of an issue to mention?
     
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  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    This morning was a rough one. I finally talked to my husband about everything I've been struggling with over these last few days. He was really mad at me for awhile, I think mostly due to him wanting to just move forward because he is feeling better. I'm glad he's overcoming things like he is, and I'm glad he is taking responsibility for his actions, but he doesn't seem to understand that my turmoil is a result if his actions as well, and he would rather ignore that part. I explained to him that when I told him this stuff, I wanted him to learn to become an active listener rather than a defensive one. He listens with the intent of attacking, and that is not going to solve anything. I told him that if I am able to push my pain, my anger, and my feelings aside when he disclosed things to me in order to help him get through tough times, that it was the very least he could do for me. He told me that it is hard to listen to what he's done because he doesn't feel any empathy for it. He just becomes numb. He becomes numb, then he gets depressed, then angry, then he lashes out at me. In his mind, what he's done isn't a big deal anymore because he can't change the past, so I'm supposed to look at how he's doing now. He doesn't understand trauma unless I frame it within the context of someone else. What would you think of your sisters boyfriend if he had done all you did to me, to her? Well suddenly its a big deal. But when it is me and him, it isnt a concern.
    My husband spent over 6 years acting like he was single and that I didn't exist. This realization isn't going to just heal overnight, it will take time. Lots of time. I wish there was a way he could understand that completely.
    Earlier this afternoon we got into the subject of what love is. There isn't a whole lot of people that I've told this story to, but I figured, why not here since only a few people know my real identity? Back in 2006 I was pregnant between two of my younger children. When I went in for a prenatal check up, they couldn't find the heartbeat. They advised me to do a DNC, which is like an abortion. Of course I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I opted to wait to see if maybe, if possible, that the doctors were wrong about my unborn child not having a heartbeat. About 2 weeks later, I had a miscarriage. The problem with this was, it didn't detach from my uterine wall, so I started to hemorrhage. I bled for 4 hours at home before I was able to get ahold of someone to watch my little kids, and take me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for less than 10 minutes when my body decided it had enough and I succumbed to the massive blood loss. I was "dead" for about 5 minutes in this time, but what felt like an eternity to me. I saw a lot of things, felt a lot of things; it was truly a surreal experience. It took many years of talking to other people who had experienced that "near death" experience for me to finally accept what I experienced, what WE experienced was what happens when we pass on. I won't go into details about it here. However, I will say that there was one powerful feeling that occurred with all of us, and that was love. Love in pure form. It was the most intense feeling I've ever experienced, so intense that even while writing this down and looking at it, I still have a difficult time believing that it happened.
    So, what is love? That was. At that moment in time, everything and anything just melted away and what came was acceptance of what was in front of me. I believe we as humans do not experience this every single moment of every single day, but this isnt due to our being incapable of doing so. I feel it is due to how we live our current lives. What distractions are there, what drives our decisions, what makes us do one thing and not another?
    There were a few things I took away from that experience that day. The most important one was, if you are to do something, do it with love. If it is with lust, dont do it. If it is with greed, dont do it. If it is done for power, dont do it. If it is done to destroy yourself or another, don't do it. If it is done with hate, dont do it. The list goes on and on.
    When I think of the actions of my husband in the past, they were done for lust, for greed, for selfishness. To me, this isn't love. If he didn't have love in his heart, then there is no way there could be love for me. Perhaps caring, or companionship, or some other reason, but not love. Because if he loved me, he never would have done the things he did.
    So where does this lead us? He has to learn to love himself and put it there in his actions. It can't be out of obligation, or duty, or because he wants to have sex that he does things for me. There can be no motive other than love otherwise it is wasted time.
     
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  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Today was an interesting day. My husband and I talked about several hypothesis that I had and ways to test them. Coming out of this recent research project I did has opened the door to a lot of questions I have about this particular addiction. I read earlier today how the brain can't tell the difference between fact and fiction, which is why people get so hung up on characters in books, shows, and movies. Sometimes they will get so involved that they will actually mourn the loss of a favorite character. This is very interesting because it suggests that the brain can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Now to find the cause and see if it relates to attachment in some way. I may run a test pilot assessment at some point just to see if there is a link before I proceed with that study.

    I gave my presentation today in class. I was a bit disappointed that it didn't generate a conversation. No one had questions and no one wanted to know any more about the topic. I suppose this answers the question as to why other studies that talked about betrayal trauma didn't gain traction: PA and the results from that are uncomfortable and taboo. I was trying to make the case of why PA needs to be included in the DSM so people can receive proper treatment for it so SO's can be allowed to rest assured that their partners are getting the proper help that they need. There also needs to be more research in PA in general.

    My husband has been frustrated these last few days and I feel as though he has done something that he doesn't want to tell me. I'm not even sure if I want to explore this with him since I may just get angry. Maybe I will anyway to get it out in the open and get myself out of this state of mind.
     
  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I feel as though one of the most difficult tasks when dealing with this addiction is learning how to communicate with each other. PMO takes away so much that the people we marry are not the same people that go through recovery. The men have to learn new behaviors and new coping strategies to overcome the urges and withdrawals. They have to learn how to be open and honest, not just with us, but with themselves as well. My husband has built up many stories about how he perceived me to be through this marriage that are simply not true. One very simple example is with Chai tea. When I spent a week with my husband during the time we were dating, we went out to eat at a restaurant. I ordered, and drank Chai tea while we were there, and I told him how much I liked it. After he moved to the state I lived in and we got married, we were at the store, and he showed me a box of Chai tea. I was excited to make it at home since I had not had it since my visit with him when we still lived in separate states. Anyway, years go by and about a month ago, my husband is making himself a cup of Chai tea. I asked if he could make me one as well, and he responds with "but you don't like it". We went back and forth about this for awhile and he was convinced that I hated this tea and he had bought it for himself at some point. I had to go back and remind him of our date, and how if it were not for my liking it, it would not be in the house. He accepted what I said, but still had a difficult time grasping it. It has been this way for a lot of things. A LOT of things. This had so much to do with him being unable to differentiate between reality and fantasy. Some version of me was in his head that was just rolled into the rest of the fantasy land he frequented. This is partially why I feel his memory is so bad (there's other factors as well). Anything and everything he did revolved around getting attention from women. He never took the time to cultivate his own mind when he was growing up. He didn't have to learn how to do a whole lot because there was always someone there to tell him what to do.

    Can you imagine having to defend who you are as a person to the one that is supposed to know you the best? And this same person doesn't believe that you are one way when they've convinced themselves you are another? I felt like I was in the twilight zone a few times.

    There have been a few things I've noticed that my husband lacked during his addicted times: introspection and metacognition. These two things he had to learn. I always thought it was odd that they didn't exist, but since he's abstained from things for a little while, I can see improvements. Where I see this lacking is when a stressful event occurs. One of his uncles is ill and it has gotten to him pretty bad today. My husband decided to go for a run, which generally takes about 15 minutes. After 20 minutes passed, I started to wonder. 30 minutes, I started to worry. I saw his phone on the table so I had no way to contact him to see if he was okay. 45 minutes pass and I can feel the stress sinking in because the questions that would not normally be there in any other circumstance start to come up. Who is he with? Where did he go? Is he meeting with someone? These fears should have been about his safety, and some were. This is why I hate this so much. An hour passes and I happen to look out the window and see him running towards the house. Now that I know he's safe, I get to be mad at him right? Evidently he decided to run 8 miles instead of 2. He was aware of this change in his mind before he left, just didn't think to mention it to me.
    This is where introspection is important. If I don't tell my wife, she will worry about me, especially given my past. If I tell my wife, then I won't have to worry about her being mad. He's working on it. Hopefully it kicks in sooner rather than later.
     
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  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It has been a few days since I've last posted. Anytime I started to write something, someone inevitably needs my attention.

    These last few days have been stressful. My husband and I signed up for a quantum computing course that lasts a year. Even though my college semester has ended, I still have this class. Today was a new lecture and it is live. I asked my husband if he planned to attend the lecture and he said he had other things he needed to work on instead, and went to the bedroom. I'm in the midst of this lecture, trying to keep track of everything and take notes (it is very mathematically heavy) while still taking care of our children and dogs. 20 minutes before lecture ended, I was worried about whether my youngest child has soiled her diaper, and two of our dogs were whining to go out because they had upset tummies. I was trying to focus, hoping they all made it the last 20 minutes at least. My husband comes upstairs at this time and I was relieved. Finally, he can help me tend to our daughter and dogs while I finished up with the lecture. But no. He came upstairs to tell me he was going to go run, and just left. I was angry with him for that. Waiting another few minutes to help around the house wouldn't have interfered with his workout, but he didn't care about what was going on. He was worried about himself only. To anyone who has not been in this position, it probably doesn't sound like a huge deal. To anyone who has small kids and pets will understand where I'm coming from, and how frustrating and stressful this scenario can be. My husband has always been selfish. He has always put himself above everyone else. I question if this is his actual personality or part of the addiction.

    When things get stressful like this, it brings up memories and worries. Since he spent a large portion of time in the bedroom today, it makes me wonder if he is doing what he says he is doing, or something else. I then push myself further away from him because I worry. The last time he relapsed, it took him over two weeks to finally confess to me. This confession lasted 3 days with stuff trickling out little by little. The last of this confession took place a few weeks ago, where he admitted he M'd to the P he watched, even though he denied it back then. He then wonders why it is so hard to trust that he's told me everything. Or to trust that he continues to do the right thing. He gets uncomfortable with how I tell him how I feel, and thinks I should learn to word things in a way that makes it feel less like an attack to him.

    He started going back on social media again. He says it is to post his progress in running, but this is such a slippery slope for him. Social media has been a huge trigger for him in general, and also the place where he would talk to other women. Needless to say, trust that he is just going on there to post and leaving the site right away isnt there on my end. I imagine this is going to come with a confession sooner or later.
     
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  7. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    Ug that is so hard and such a frustrating, almost helpless feeling. My husband is realizing how selfish he truly was - not just w P - and is trying hard to work on it. He is making progress, but large bouts of his hurtful selfishness still come out, trigger me of the ‘old’ husband, and set me back without warning. Then doubt creeps in. And, again, we try to repair. I hate this dance. It’s so hard on the heart. How much more can a injured soul take of this...
     
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  8. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Speaking of this, my husband and I just had a talk about FB. That particular social media site is a huge trigger for him, and for me. He told me he would just go on there once a day to post about his running progress. It has been 3 days since he has started and he's already finding excuses to go on there more than once a day. A lot of his family members post things like, clipped P scenes, revealing photos of women, and screenshots of P. He is fully aware of the content that is on there. Another trigger for me about this site is the fact that 2 days prior to him wanting to go back on FB, he confessed to me about a mutual friend him and I had on there, where he used to go over to her profile to look at her pictures, and would get aroused by them. So he tells me this, then finds an excuse to go on FB a few days later, then breaks his promise of only going on there once a day just to post. I explained all this to him and how it was a slippery slope for him, and he was still trying to find excuses for his actions. He then tells me that he will tell me his running miles and let me log into his account to post for him, but how do I know he's not going on there when he's not around me or when I'm not home? He is still trying to find excuses now, which means he will be looking for excuses in the future to justify his going on there. I really don't know if I can handle much more. He is still so selfish in his actions.
    FB is also where he talked to other women. When the first D-day happened, I told him I wanted to go through his messages to see what he was doing. He deleted those before I could view them and told me he couldn't remember what all he said to them, but he didn't want to look at them himself to see, so he just deleted them. So that has always made me wonder how far those conversations went. When I ask about them every now and again, he swears he doesn't remember.
    So now I'm sitting here, beside myself, fighting back tears while he is downstairs doing homework or something, not knowing if he is actually doing what he says he is doing, or something else. My daughters ABA therapist is here, so I'm trying to hold my emotions back. He tells me that when he was logging onto Facebook, he would just view his own page, and he wasn't scrolling. This morning when he was on there, he positioned his tablet in a way that I couldn't see his screen, so I really don't know if he just stayed on his own page. He says he felt okay logging in multiple times a day because he knows where his mind is, and he doesn't think he will do something wrong. Many, many times in the past he would tell me this same thing, but it turned out to just be excuses to watch things he knew was inappropriate.
     
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  9. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    What? Am I weird that no one I know does this (thought FB blocked nipples, let alone porn clips).
     
  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    You're not the only one who didn't know this. I thought they blocked that content as well, but I guess only after someone reports it enough times. They post personal videos, which wouldn't be flagged because they're not coming straight from a P site. These people have been in and out of fb jail because of their content being reported. After so many times, they get banned, but will just make new accounts and come back on
     
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Home videos? Like they're filming themselves and posting online for the world to see?

    I mean I knew there was XX content on Twitter. And I knew that IG + TikTok were populated heavily with men/women using looks to gain followers/become influencers. But no idea about Facebook. I don't have IG or TikTok, and never will now for those reasons. I have twitter but an extremely small followed list and it's removed from my phone/ipad. I can only access on laptop so it's rare. I never even thought of deleting FB because beyond a dirty meme (thought/joke, not dirty in image) I never even thought it was that kind of content hub
     
  12. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    They record the scenes on their phones or on their computer and post them. Really short clips only a few seconds long. Still enough for a trigger. They do this because someone makes a weird face or something and they find it funny. Thats the excuse anyway.
    I have around 900 friends on FB. Out of those 900, if you exclude my husbands family, there is maybe 2 that post explicit material. My own son used to do that as well, so I had to have a "i know you're a grown up, but you were raised better than that" sorta talk. I dont try to control him in any way, but I do want him to see that some of these pics and memes are made without the consent of the woman/women in them and it isnt right to spread it around like that because you never know who's life is impacted by it.
     
  13. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    I have found that FB is awful for a PA. My husband admitted that there would be so many revealing ads (directed to the males on FB), he would ogle friends (broke my heart), and MO’d to some of them. Some he wasn’t even very attracted to. People post SO many revealing/skimpy photos and things don’t get taken down. I was horrified when he admitted it. I had no clue FB was such a massive problem area. He came to the conclusion that if HE really wanted to be in full recovery for himself, he would have to get rid of it. And thankfully he did. He deleted it (not disable - fully deleted). Since he realizes he is a PA in recovery forever, he tells me this is one site he knows he should never go back to/sign up for and he is comfortable with that. Too much temptation. Time will tell. There are a lot of websites I currently hate and now FB is definitely one of them.
     
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  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I went to see my therapist today. Things took an interesting turn, as it seemed like she was hinting that I should leave my husband. We were talking about my parents and ex husband, and she said it appeared as though addiction was very common in my relationships, and hoped that I didn't have that problem with the next one. I brushed it off because I think this was something she didn't mean to say out loud. She said that she noticed through my entire life that, because I was an unwanted child in my family, that I have this need to be needed type personality. That I find myself in these relationships because I try to save everyone. Not sure how true that one is, so I'm still mulling it over. I do know I never tried to save my ex from his alcohol addiction because he was more violent when he wasn't drinking. But I did do whatever I could to save my kids during that time.
    My husband is apparently in a bad mood for some reason. I'm not sure what happened to cause it, but he isn't really open to talking about it. Maybe later he will tell me.
     
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  15. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I will add you can't go anywhere on the internet without sexually charged ads. There are automated ads at the bottom of tons of websites that populate with random clickbaity things - sometimes they're financial or whatever, but a lot of times they use sex to sell. I cut out reading relationship advice columns because they were triggering, not visually but mentally.

    I congratulate your husband on being able to make that choice. It's not easy.
     
  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I do wish my husband would commit to this. He is angry with me now because I was upset about him being on there earlier. He is mad at me because I was mad at him. Makes sense right? So he's been ignoring me all evening.

    He admitted FB was triggering and was having a hard time with just staying on his own page, even though he claimed he only went to his own page. Yet, he was also on my page looking at my status and reading the comments on it. How do I know? Because he "liked" them.
    So now I'm expected to believe he just stayed on his page? Even he knows this is not true because he got triggered when he was on there. Triggered by his own page? Hmm. Something doesn't add up.

    Going all crazy over here. I hate being in a constant state of paranoia.
     
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  17. Man, this is so sad and such a hard read. Also so interesting to read from a SO perspective. I see so many similarities between myself and my wife. Luckily I am in a better place, but the wounds are still there- and like you have said, they will take years to heal. I just want to remind you that
    it is not your responsibility to fix your husband. Hopefully that is good to hear, though after reading your entire journal I can tell it will be hard to really enact. And it’s understandable that it’s hard to let go because he is hurting you so badly. If you could fix him, then you wouldn’t get hurt any more, right? But you can’t. Only he can fix himself. He is the only one responsible for his actions. Does he know that? It sounds like he is where I was 1.5 years ago before I hit rock bottom and had a “oh crap this is serious” experience (for me it was looking at porn at work). After that I started seeing a counselor, luckily one who took sex addiction very seriously. But yeah, not taking it very seriously.
    I feel so confused about what y’all need right now. Part of me wants to say your husband needs to just buck up, man up, and get his act together. Do whatever it takes. Cut out FB, cut out any unsupervised internet time, cut out the possibility of alone time with any other woman, start going to SAA weekly meetings. Maybe you could ask him, what are you willing to do to save our marriage?
    But then I also want to say you should just focus on taxing care of yourself- of improving yourself and enjoying your life regardless of whether he is trying or not.
    that was something that was a big turning point for my wife; when she decided she was going to be happy herself whether i was going to protect her or not, she was able to separate my issues from her (because they were never about her anyway, it’s always been my own issue and my own fault), and let it go, and she was able to release a lot of the hurt. and every once in a while, especially if she caught me or could tell I wasn’t taking it seriously, she would say something like “if you keep doing this it is really going to damage our marriage”, but she wasn’t tied up in it. But I do think if I had cheated on her, physically, she would have left me.
    It’s hard because I’m just hearing it from your perspective, which is different from my own. This is also the first journal of a SO I’ve read- though as i said before, I see a lot of similarities with my own story.
    also, I think regardless, he ought to stop telling you as much as he is. It isn’t good for you. If he needs someone to talk to, go to his accountability partner or a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
     
  18. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He does have an AP, and is starting therapy with a new therapist this week. The new therapist was recommended by my own, so hopefully he does well.

    What I've learned in the last 24 hours is that he is still trying to make me responsible for fixing him to a degree. If he gets sexually frustrated, for example, that is when he has a difficult time controlling his thoughts. Part of him feels like I should be more forgiving of his past actions and be able to just satisfy him whenever these urges arise. When I'm indifferent to him, he starts to get angry with me. He then starts to build stories about me that paint me as some villain in his story. He told me this morning that he was mad at me because I question every little action he does. That he can't do anything without being judged. That im not joyful enough when I comment on his progress that he's made. I narrowed it down for him: things that I call into question are things I will talk to you about. Everything else is a distortion you've created. When he said I wasn't being joyful enough, I asked if he wanted me to go buy him some stickers.
    I know it is his responsibility, and part of me was having a hard time letting go because his recovery was all I knew to do for nearly 4 years. When I did finally let go, and just explained my triggers to him, he wanted to push the burden back onto me. I keep directing him to his AP, but he protests saying it isnt that big of a deal. If it weren't that big of a deal, you wouldn't be angry with me. You wouldn't be building stories about me to justify your anger. It is not my fault you can't control your thoughts. None of that is my issue. Ive helped as much as I could, you've got tools you can use that don't involve me, go use those instead.

    That could be part of his issue. That I've started to separate myself from his addiction. I no longer want to hear about his thoughts of other women. I just want him to be honest with me if I do ask a question (he lied to me yesterday again). I had a feeling something happened yesterday while I was gone and I asked him. He said nothing happened, yet this morning, I find out it that wasn't true. I told him I dont want to know what happened, he needs to tell that to his AP. I just wanted honesty. That what I felt in my gut was not incorrect. He still can't give me that. He still lies and continues his justification for taking his anger out on me. I really don't know what to do anymore.
     
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  19. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    You do anything you need to do to heal. You create the space you need to breathe. Everything can so easily be caught up around addiction. By your own admission, you spent 4 years fully engaged in his recovery, and here you are - still hurt, betrayed and traumatized. Those 4 years spent on his recovery may have been of benefit to your marriage, but a marriage is an equal partnership. If a part isn't functioning well, the entire whole can't function. It seems as if you are backing off and creating the space you need to heal. I believe that to be both wise and crucial for the health of your relationship. It will do no good if your husband is recovered and healed and you aren't.

    For addicts we must take full responsibility for our actions. We must own our recovery. Recovery isn't something that another can take responsibility for. At the end of the day, with the must supportive spouse imaginable - a spouse willing to experience thousands of papercuts to help her husband so they can have a future together - it's the addict that must deal with his urges. The addict that makes the choice to do the next right thing. The addict that decides whether to fight or succumb to triggers. Nobody else can do this.

    Your husband is in recovery. It's a constant learning experience filled with unexpected highs and lows. You are in the unfortunate position of having to ride those waves with him, but as long as he remains in recovery there's hope. But regardless of what he does or doesn't do, continue doing what you need to care for yourself. That's what you do.
     
  20. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    I wish so bad that your hub would read: Worthy of Her Trust - What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back and then read it again. It helped my husband move from being bitter about my responses to his betrayal, to really understanding the intent of my feelings/what I say/why I react the way I do (my hurt, my broken soul, my constant fight/flight/terror feeling) vs the misinterpreted content (what he can only see through his eyes, if I’m trying to force shame on him, etc). It’s not manipulation, it’s not trying to control his every move because of a power trip... it’s not any of that. It’s a massively broken heart trying to hang on to someone you love that seems to keep pushing you away towards a cliff.

    But as I write this, I understand you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. And you can’t make them be honest. This is why I am still in terror mode and therefore need to keep diligently working on myself no matter what he chooses to do.
     
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