The last few days have been a bit rough. I imagine it has a lot to do with the paper I am writing. Intrusive thoughts continue to come up, and with them, more questions I dont want answers to. Someone told me that they knew my husband loved me. The only thing that went through my head was, if that were true, he wouldn't have been trying to hook up with other women during the time we've been married. My husband and I discussed this after the 1st d-day, and he told me that he didn't know for sure if he would have cheated on me physically had another woman reciprocated his advances. That is why I feel like he went further with someone than he is willing to admit to me, and these thoughts haunt me. I know at this point in time, had he done that, he wouldn't admit it to me. The only way I would ever know is if someone else told me it happened. As forward as he was when I was around him, I can only imagine how he was when I wasn't around him. He appears as though he is recovering for the most part. He seems as though he is finally taking responsibility for his own recovery, and there is less of a burden on me to do things for him. We've had a few mornings now where we've been able to talk about things that are not related to his addiction, so that has been nice. It is still in the back of my head that trust is still shaky between him and I, and I keep anticipating our conversation turning into some new confession. I realize I've spent way too much time in fight or flight mode, and I need to learn to relax, but it is so hard to do. This constant state of panic is havoc on my adrenals, and I feel it. My doctor really wants to test my adrenal function to see where I'm at again, but as of now, I'm unemployed, which adds to the stress. It is a horrible cycle. I'm hoping January I am able to find another contract. Crossing my fingers. On the plus side, short of peer review, my research paper is done. I'm ready for this semester to end and for the winter break. Maybe I can focus more on healing myself and finding ways to divert these thoughts that continue to come up.