marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I will say that while I'm reading that book - it's pretty religious so for someone jewish like me, or someone who simply doesn't want the religious angle, it may not be the right option. There are other good ones out there though.
     
  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I understand. There is a part of him that doesn't want to let go of these urges and images because he is afraid he missed out on something. I asked him this morning if he would prefer to be single. He said he didn't know. I want to completely separate myself from his addiction, but to do so would basically mean we were just roommates at that point. I feel like that may happen regardless. His mind still isn't in a place of recovery. When I told him that he's not the only one who has to do mental gymnastics to heal the brain, he said "that doesn't help me!" Because ultimately, he still doesn't care about my pain. He has told me that countless times. He doesn't care that he hurt me. He doesn't care that he continues to hurt me, yet, he wants praise from me when he does something good because he feels entitled to it. I'm just supposed to ignore his past and see what he is doing now. He doesn't understand nor care, that I'm unable to do that. He says every move he makes is called into question. I asked him to tell me which move he is referring to. Going on FB. He thinks he should just be able to do whatever he wants to do and I should just suck it up and deal with it. He said he is tired of feeling corralled. At this point in time, I just don't see this marriage working out.
     
  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I really wish he would too. He says he plans to buy it next month when we can afford it, but who knows if he will or not
     
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  4. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    My heart breaks. You need to do what is best for you. It’s mama’s turn to live. :emoji_purple_heart:
     
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  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I spoke with my husband and it was a pretty simple conversation. I told him that I'm not going to discuss anything about how I'm feeling regarding triggers, thoughts, or anything with him anymore because it certainly doesn't help me in any form. He just gets mad, defensive, depressed, then takes his anger out on me rather than try to help me overcome anything. He told me he was glad to hear it and hoped it would always be like that. Then he was like, whats the catch? So me removing myself from him in that way made him happy, but he was worried about a caveat? What kind of F-ed up response is that?
    I also told him I dont want to talk to him about his addiction anymore. Nothing. Not even a little bit. He can figure it out on his own. He appeared to be a bit upset about that, but he didn't say anything. I told him I was separating myself from him because it was the only way I could heal from the damage he caused. I told him, you don't even care nor do you want to take responsibility for your actions. You just want to act as though it didn't happen and sweep it under a rug. I'm tired of being the punching bag all the time. The place of his anger. He seriously does not care.
    I dont understand how someone can say they love someone while having no empathy for what they did. It is as though he only wants to love and indulge in this marriage when things are good and I'm at my best. But when I'm upset about anything, he wants to run away so he doesn't have to deal with it.
    I dont see a future for this marriage. I really don't. I have a few years to get myself together enough to afford a place of my own, and I will more than likely do just that. I can't be with someone who wants me to accept them regardless of how they're feeling, but refuses to do the same for me. I should be able to be myself completely, not hide parts of me because he is uncomfortable with them.
    So, going forward, things that bother me will be posted in my journal as an outlet. Things that he does, triggers, whatever, will be moved to on here. If he wants to talk about things unrelated to his addiction, I will do so. I will continue to withdraw myself from him as time goes on. I would prefer to be alone than with someone who could care less about my well-being
     
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  6. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    Ouch. Again my heart breaks. How he reacted is so hurtful.

    We as SOs need to look at their behavior over their words. When their words say one thing one day but their behavior won’t stop saying the opposite, it’s a clear and painful reality check that requires us to make uncomfortable moves.
     
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  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Betrayal trauma: an analogy

    We are walking together in a field. Although something feels odd about the whole experience, we can't quite place what it is. At some point we realize that we have been following our partners for a long time. We are not sure where they are going but we continue to follow them. Soon after, we reach a cliff. Our partner begins to run towards the edge. We try to stop them but they are going to fast. They run to the edge of the cliff and they jump. We scream in agony, why? Why would they do that? Was my love not enough for them? What more could I have done to save them? We look over the edge and see them lying there. We mourn for them, but they are not gone, just horribly injured and unable to move. The death of who we thought they were. This is D-day.

    Injured and bleeding, they pull themselves back up the cliff. We try to make sense of everything, but nothing makes sense anymore. Was it something we said? Something we did? Were we, as SO's not good enough? Why would they do that? We hear about how exhilarating it is to jump. The high from free falling was too much to resist. Why don't they understand that they will get hurt? Why don't they understand that it hurts us to watch them fall, not knowing if that is it? They tell us that they have been jumping for many years, long before meeting us. That it feels good until they hit the ground. We don't understand how something that causes injury to that extent could be worth it.

    So we continue to walk with them. They promise they won't jump again because they know how much it hurts us. We see them walk closer and closer to the edge. We get scared, so scared. What if they jump again? They said they wouldn't but they are walking so close to the edge. The temptation is there. The wanting of that high. We call to them, ask them to please come back and walk next to us. Sometimes they will, other times, they tell us we need to trust them. That they know what they're doing. It is hard to trust they won't jump when they are standing so close to the edge. It is hard to trust they won't accidentally fall when they turn their attention elsewhere and start walking backwards towards the edge. We live in a constant state of panic, never knowing if they will jump or if they will come back to walk beside us. It is a constant turmoil within. We try to do other things to take our minds off the fact that they are standing so close, but it is so hard to do. Our worry for their safety is extremely powerful. We try to show them that there is life away from the edge, but they are too afraid to experience it because the edge is all they've known.

    When we call to them to come away from the edge, it isnt because we want to control their lives. It is because we don't want to lose them. We don't want them to get hurt. We don't want to mourn the loss of what was over and over again. Why doesn't he understand this?

    Being my husbands AP, counselor, etc, for years as made me realize something. Everytime he went over the cliff, he would tie a rope around me and take me over with him. I would shield his fall by hitting the ground first, him landing on top of me. He never fully experienced that pain, and he didn't want to hear about how he hurt me, even though he put me there.

    I explained this analogy to him this morning, with the exception of that last part. I feel this helped him understand betrayal trauma a little more. It isnt that I am trying to control you, I just don't want to lose you. It is hard for me to accept when you tell me to trust you when you're walking backwards towards the edge. One misstep and you're going over. Even if that isn't his intention, to jump, he isn't preventing himself from falling.

    I asked him how he would feel if he told me his brother passed away, and I acted indifferent towards the news. That everytime he tried to talk about his brother, I told him I didn't want to hear it. That it was his problem, not mine, and to go talk to someone else about it. Would he believed I cared about him after I did that? He said no. Would you want to be with someone like me who didn't care about your feelings, your grieving, and your pain? He said it would be really hard for him to want to be with someone like that. I told him that is exactly how he makes me feel when he tells me he doesn't care about my pain when I am essentially mourning the loss of who I thought he was.

    Does he understand now? I suppose only time will tell
     
  8. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    An incredibly beautiful and moving post. I love your analogy and it makes so much sense. I too hope he will understand - all of us who are affected by addiction and joined with another must understand. Thank you for this.
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Ever since this morning, there has been a lot on my mind. I've always wondered if my husband was narcissistic and I've looked into it a little bit before. Today, I've decided to really look into it. I can safely, without any further doubt, say that my husband is a narcissist.
    Something that has bothered me since reading about it, is how did someone like me end up with someone like him? We are polar opposite in that area of personality. I remembered a quote that I had seen some time ago. "You don't always attract what you are. Sometimes you attract that which is in desperate need of what you are". I feel like this fits in this situation. I've always been a giver, a healer, someone who is extremely empathetic to the point where I can feel the pain of someone, just by talking to them, regardless of distance between us. Why is it that I didn't detect something wrong with my husband when I first met him then? Well, I did. I saw it. I saw how selfish he was. I saw how his need for attention could get the better of him. But what I also saw was a man with an inner child that needed someone to love them so they could feel safe in this world. I knew if I could reach that inner child, that he would transform as a person, and he would feel so much better.

    These articles that I read, I sent them to my husband who is now reading them. He says "reading these is like reading my life story". This statement is a good sign, in that, it means he's recognized the problem. Hopefully he will start to work towards a solution. He is seeing a new therapist this week. I looked up this therapist to see what all he specializes in. Coincidentally, he also does childhood trauma and childhood attachment, which is perfect for what my husband needs.

    Now to further dissect the problem: one of the traits of narcissistic people is the need to control their partners. Well, he couldn't control me outright by insulting me or degrading me because he knows he would get knocked into next week (he did this with girls he dated before me). So how else is he able to control and isolate me? By sexualizing every woman i come into contact with would be a good start. If he sexualizes them, I won't want to be around them or have them come over. I won't want to foster a relationship with them because of this. So, to narrow it down, the vast majority of the women I have had contact with hes done this to over the years. It has caused me to withdraw from social situations, not take part in events, and prevented me from taking opportunities to better myself and succeed. The last job that I had, prior to being laid off, my team had our names published in an article. When I showed him the article, he sexualized my boss. It made me not want to work for her anymore which was unfortunate, because she was willing to help me find something after I was laid off (too late now, the semester is over).

    This is why my pain, my hurt, and my trauma was able to be dismissed so easily by him. Not only did he not want to hear about it, he would also get mad at me for being that way, which of course, exasperated the issue.

    I'm really hoping he takes the steps he needs to heal. This is not something I plan to approach myself with him since he already sees me as an enemy. I still don't know if this marriage will be able to heal given the enormous amount of damage it has sustained. At least for now there seems to be a glimmer of hope, which I will admire for at least the rest of today
     
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  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've come to realize that a lot of these narcissistic traits my husband has is why there has been so much resentment towards me over the years. When my husband first came to live with me, he wanted to automatically assume the leadership role in the family, the authoritarian father that everyone listens to and doesn't question. Well, it didn't exactly turn out in his favor. I've taught my kids to question everything, even stuff I say, and that is what they do. This has caused resentment towards them because of how my husband views respect. He thought my kids did not respect him, which wasn't true. They do. But they will also challenge him to explain why he says what he says, or why he does what he does. When my husband would get really angry, he would take it out on our dogs. Now, he wouldn't beat them or anything, just took pride in being able to hold them down and get them to submit to him, which he would do over and over again. My kids questioned this behavior of his because it is rather odd when you think about it. However, this is where he felt he had control, so this is where he made himself feel better, regardless of how our dogs felt.
    I would call him out on this when I would see him do it. He would tell me that our dogs weren't listening and being bad because he couldn't get them to submit anymore. After awhile, even the dogs got tired of bearing the brunt of his anger and they would rebel. I would prove him wrong by having them submit to me while using nothing but my energy. I never had to touch them. Animals are sensitive to energy and if you know how to control yourself, they will listen to you because they will see you as a strong leader. I would tell my husband to strive for that level, to use your energy not your teeth, sorta speak. He would try this when I was around, but not often enough.
    So what happens when a narcissist meets someone who is autistic AND understands psychology? Well, the narcissist may be able to gain the upper hand every now and again, but overall, the narcissist is challenged to change. My husband was worse 7 years ago than he is today. Today, he can more readily identify when he is being selfish on his own, or when he has no empathy when he should. Had I gave him those articles to read 7 years ago, he would have brushed them off. But because I challenged his beliefs, his views, his everything, he had to look at those things in detail himself. Now, mind you, a lot of those challenges were not intended to be so on my part. Given how my brain works, I can't accept a "thats just how it is" type explanation. I need to know why, the origin, what causes this or that, etc. So it wasn't necessarily my "intelligence" that intimidated my husband, it was him feeling like he needed to justify everything and knowing he couldn't. One example would be the things he told me about what his tribe does. I would always ask for an explanation to understand it further. He would view it as an attack. Another example was after him and I got married, he told me his dad wanted to see our budget and see where our money was going. I told him to explain that because I was not comfortable with his dad doing that. He said that it was just something his dad always did, and would give us a lecture after the fact about where we could and couldn't spend money. I never allowed his dad access and his dad has had resentment towards me because of this. My husband saw it as justified resentment. Now, my husband sees things a bit differently. He feels as though our budget is between him and myself, and if he can't explain something his tribe does so I can understand it, he will question it. These are just two examples of many. The point being, he has a pretty good head start in overcoming these narcissistic traits and learning how to be more understanding and empathetic. He no longer strives to be head of the household because he knows it is more about partnership than control. It took him 5 years to stop being angry about that (his words). He better controls himself around our dogs, and has a better understanding of use of energy. He's not fully there yet, but he's probably close to halfway now. Still holding out hope for full healing, but again, only time will tell on that one
     
  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    This evening, something odd occurred. My husband left earlier to go to the store. A store trip generally takes around 30 or 40 minutes at the most. I was slightly aware of what time it was when he left, but as usual, I try to keep myself distracted when he goes over there because there is a woman that he had feelings for that still works there. He says he doesn't have feelings anymore about a year ago. After awhile, my distractions started to become boring and I could start to feel shaky. I looked at the time and realized an hour had passed since he left, and I had not heard from him which was extremely unusual. He always texts me when he is at the store. I could feel thoughts about betrayal start to creep into my mind, and I texted him to see if he was okay. He didn't text back right away, and I continued to redirect my thoughts while still shaking. He finally texted back an eternity later (it was 4 minutes later) to let me know he was on his way home. So, he comes home and I remind him of how important it is to keep me updated and what the hell took him so long? He said he got caught up in a conversation with another man over coffee, then spent time trying to find a snack for our daughter. I can understand that portion because it took me around 20 minutes to find her one the other day. Given our restrictions, and her picky eating lately, this is not an easy task. I still felt jittery and stuff, but put the groceries away while he went outside with our dogs. About 30 minutes go by and I am reading another SO's post on here. I can feel my brain start to pick up triggers, so I decided to get up and cook dinner to get away from it. Right before I started to cut the veggies, I started to shake again. Then felt dizzy, nauseous, my legs and arms felt weak, and my heart rate spiked. My husband, after a few minutes of me not moving, came to see what was going on and walked me to a chair so I could sit. I couldn't even hold my head up any more and my entire body felt weak. I checked my heart rate and it was about 130bpm. I was trying to do breathing exercises to slow my heart rate and almost fell asleep in the process. After about 30 minutes, I managed to reduce it to around 80bpm.
    Was this a panic attack? Something else? Do I need to have my doctor recheck my cortisol and adrenaline levels? I had blood work done about a month ago and it looked promising for my adrenals, so I really hope they're not in the declining stages again. My chest still hurts and I do still feel muscle weakness even though this happened 2 hours ago. I am also getting what feels like mini adrenaline spurts.
    Other than that, today has been okay. There was a few things my husband told me this morning because it really bothered him and he couldn't shake it, even after telling his AP evidently. Wasn't too happy to hear it, but it didn't make me mad or too upset to listen.
     
  12. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband and I have been having some very deep discussions about his childhood and young adulthood lately. What has been interesting is watching changes happen in real time as he has started to integrate information rather than get defensive and angry about stuff. There is a lot about him that he has never had the opportunity to discover about himself. I told him after the first D-day that as he healed, everything would start to come into question regarding his likes and dislikes because once those protective barriers come down, you start to realize how little you actually know about yourself. He didn't believe me back then. But now, he is starting to see it.
    I can only hope this progress continues. Day by day
     
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  13. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband and I have been having several conversations lately about P and how the brain reacts and how the body reacts and all that. I find myself caught up in what I'm thinking about and trying to express that I sometimes forget that my husband is still an addict. I'm aware of how cue-reactive this addiction is, so bringing up how genres may or may not link to something that brought about the addiction in the first place is also bringing up memories for my husband. Just mentioning some key words is all it takes for him. Not explicit words, just everyday words of conversation.
    My husband stopped me from talking to explain how he had met his threshold on the ability to listen to anymore before having any type of reaction or urge. I felt really bad and told him that I should probably find someone else to bounce ideas off of in the future. It is disheartening to know that my husband more than likely, will never be able to read any of my research that pertains to P addiction. Even if that research never contains explicit words. On the plus side of that, I am gaining a better understanding of what NOT to put in the assessment because the last thing I want to do is accidentally trigger someone else who is recovering.
    I'm finding a correlation between when when my husband and I try "hard mode" and our conversations, and his reactions that follow.mit just never seems to fail that we start talking more in depth about the addiction when we try this, and then he goes into a state of hyperarousal, sorta speak, and becomes very sensitive to his surroundings. His vision is more likely to notice women whereas other days, he may not notice them there.
    After our talk this morning, he went for a run and saw a woman. He found himself in an excited type state where he almost became aroused, just by the sight of this person. He kept running and tried to divert his thoughts and energy, then, since he was running around the block, he saw her again and had the same reaction. He told me about this right before my therapy session. We talked about it a little bit tonight because he told me his body has felt fuzzy all day. I jokingly asked him if I needed to observe him (quantum mechanics humor) so he can be whole again. He laughed a little bit, then put his head down and cried a little. He told me he hates how he reacts like that to other women and really just wants his energy to go to me.
    Last night he was in tears when he told me how he never honored how faithful I have been to him, despite everything he's done. I've had opportunities to cheat on him a few times, but never entertained the idea. He said that out of millions of people, I chose him and continue to choose him. And for that, he is truly grateful and humbled. He said he wants to get to a point where it is the same for him, that he only chooses me everyday with no thoughts, reactions, or whatever for other women.
    Day by day
     
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  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    There are some days when I honestly feel like we've finally broken through enough barriers that we can finally move forward. Then there are days like today where I feel like things will never change with him.
    My husband has had strong sexual feelings for our daughters speech therapist for almost the entire time she has been seeing her. I dont want to find another one because she has a great relationship with our daughter, and our daughter has a very hard time trusting people. She's making a lot of progress and is practicing new vowel sounds every week. I dont want her to start over with someone else.
    Last week my daughter hurt herself. I won't go into details about it, but basically she's been camped out on the couch for nearly a week. She had speech therapy today so we thought we would still try to take her since we are unsure if she is still hurting, or just afraid that she she will hurt if she walks around. So we get to speech and my husband is holding our daughter. She is super excited to see her speech therapist and starts motioning for my husband to carry her back to the room. I tell my husband to carry her back there, but if she doesn't get down, then to bring her back out since we will know that she is still hurting and will not be able to participate in the session, and will be miserable once her excitement wears off. So my husband carries our daughter back to the room and I take a seat in the waiting room. After 10 minutes pass and he doesn't come back out, I start to wonder what the heck he is doing. Long story short, he spent the entire session back in the room while our daughter fussed and cried because she was hurting. She would have moments of laughter, but overall, she was in pain. He finally comes out with our daughter and the speech therapist, and the speech therapist is explaining to me how she wanted to end the session early because out daughter was clearly uncomfortable. So why the hell did my husband stay back there the whole time?? What was his excuse? He was having fun. I asked him if it even crossed his mind how uncomfortable I would be with him back there alone with her, and he said it did, but he was paying attention to how our daughter was doing and tried not to think about it. I told him if he was honestly paying attention to how our daughter was doing, he would have left after she didn't get down instead of making her stay when she was clearly distressed. Distressed so much that even the speech therapist noticed and wanted to end it early, but apparently my husband decided to ignore all that and stay back there with her anyway.
    He literally told me just a few days ago about how he was having a hard time getting this woman off his mind. Then he goes and does this and expects me to believe it was all innocent? That he had our child's best interest in mind? No, clearly he had his own intentions in mind. He had his source of dopamine in mind. I was sitting in the waiting room doing everything I possibly could to prevent a panic attack because my adrenals are so shot right now that having all that adrenaline coming in could cause more heart damage. He comes out and starts to put his arm around me acting like everything was just fine and he didn't do anything wrong.
    I told him tonight that this stuff right here is what makes me want to leave him and actually start considering it. He can't sit there one day and tell me that he's doing everything he can to make it just him and me, only for that to change the very second we come around another woman. Then it becomes him and her and I no longer exist. It hurts. There is nothing more painful than being loyal to someone who would replace you in a heartbeat.
     
  15. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I haven't been doing much better today. My husband has tried over and over again to apologize for what happened yesterday, but it doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make the anger go away. Especially when he told me this morning that this woman's image came to mind this morning and he got aroused by it. He has been carrying on with life while I've been left in the dust once again. He tells me his mindset has changed and he's broken through several barriers in his recovery, but his actions yesterday don't show that. The fact that he didn't care how him being back in the session made me feel. He said he was trying to give our daughter time to get down and go play with her speech therapist, so I asked how much time he thought she needed because he was back there for 45 minutes. 10 minutes into it and he KNEW our daughter was not going to release her grip on him to get down but he continued to stay anyway. I think what makes me most angry about it is how he used our daughter like he did. She was miserable and hurting and he just ignored it to stay back there. It brought back memories of when he relapsed last. He did it while sitting on the couch next to our sleeping daughter. For several months after that, our daughter, when she would go to sleep, was a f##king trigger for him.
    I really don't see how SO's can go through this every day. This experience has been so draining, depressing, and exhausting. Always on guard, always worried about what is going to happen, always worried about a relapse. Even during "good" days that pain is still there. It is hard to enjoy life and soak up the good days because of how many I thought were good only to find out he was doing something hurtful. How many times we would go places and would seemingly be having fun only to find later out he was checking out other women, or picturing them in lewd positions and getting aroused.
    This is why I say it is hard to see a way forward. Even if tomorrow he was suddenly 100 percent better, that pain would still be there. Those memories of betrayal, those worries of him doing something. How can one move forward with such crippling anxiety?
     
  16. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    He really needs to stop telling you everytime a woman's face crossing his brain for a split second.
     
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  17. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He's supposed to tell this stuff to his AP, or write about it in his journal. He still has not stopped confessing stuff to me. The only things I want to know about are things I directly ask about, which are few and far between, and only if I think he lied or did something deliberately. I dont know why he keeps telling me everything
     
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  18. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I decided to do some deep, extensive cleaning today. Something I have put off through the semester that now that the semester is over, I no longer have an excuse to avoid it. I forgot how therapeutic it can be to clean in quiet. It provides the opportunity for deep thought, which is exactly what happened.
    When my husband and I were attending our last lab for the semester earlier today, I found myself watching him as he worked through equations. I look at him and I know deep down that I dont want to lose this man. That I do really love him and I can't picture my life without him. I dont think I will ever find someone else who agrees with me as much as he does on things, and this understanding is what has made me so comfortable around him. I think of past relationships where I felt suffocated and constrained all the time because I wasn't allowed to be myself. I always had to put on a show and pretend to be someone I am not. I remember times when ex's would refuse to take me in public unless I wore makeup. A bunch of makeup. When I was about 5 months pregnant with my last child, my makeup made my eyes itchy and I worried about how my husband would react to me not wearing any. Not only did he continue to take me into public without makeup on, he was even supportive about it. To this day, nearly 6 years later, I still don't wear any makeup (short of job interviews or something super important).
    Through my reflections this afternoon, some other things came to mind as well. My husbands mind will never be perfect. I was already aware of of this, but it really started to sink in this afternoon. We have a lot of miscommunication about things as far as confessions are concerned. Since I did everything in the beginning, we have a tendency to fall back into old habits where he starts telling me details about every little thing. I've told him many times that I dont want to hear about these things and he needs to tell them to his AP, but at the same time, I dont stop him once he starts telling me stuff. Once a disclosure happens, I find myself asking more questions about other things which leads to him telling me more things I don't want to hear. Then the distress occurs. Then the turmoil. Then the pain from everything resurfaces again. If anyone were to listen to our conversations, they might feel as though I were a glutton for punishment. They might wonder why I continue to ask about things even though they help neither of us. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
    Discussing some things with him today, I told him that I dont want to hear details, but what I would like to hear is is his progress. This, I believe, will help me reestablish trust in him. If he tells me he found himself in a situation that was uncomfortable, rather than tell me about the situation, tell me what you did to get yourself out of it. That part I want to hear. I want to hear that you're being accountable for yourself, and your actions.
    I know that when I confront him about things directly, he will lie to me. This is how his brain has been wired since childhood. I know that most people, under pressure, will lie and alot of the reason behind that is because their brains shut down and go into survival mode. They want to do everything possible to get away from the negative stimuli that is a perceived threat, even if it means lying. I didn't see this before because I'm the opposite. If you were to ask me a direct question where the truth could hurt your feelings, I would find words to get myself out if answering the question. For example:
    Not under pressure:
    Someone: do these pants make me look fat?
    Me: are you comfortable in them? Do you feel good in them? If so, then it that is all that matters. If not, then that is what matters.
    Under pressure:
    Someone: do these pants make me look fat?
    Me: yes! Your stomach is hanging over the top and they look really tight and I dont think I could ever wear pants that tight and I'm sorry please don't be mad at me!
    It would take a lot of strain to put me under pressure to give an answer like the second one. Through past trauma, I've had to develop strategies to manage under extreme pressure. So the chances of me telling someone that their pants make them look fat are pretty slim.
    When I do feel under pressure is when my husband lies to me and I discover the lie. I dont always make the right decisions on what I say to him and how I handle myself and I'm aware of this. Despite this, I do want our marriage to work. The only way I can see this happening is if we can establish some way of communicating without the lying. To try and facilitate this, I've given my husband space to think things through if I confront him about something and he lies to me. Once he realizes the lie, whether it be an hour later or a day later, he needs to then tell me the truth. This way he had time to think about his thoughts, put them together, then tell me what happened when he is not under pressure. I am hoping this works.
     
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  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Some days are better than others.
    I've started having pains in my chest today, the same ones I get whenever my husband does something. It seems as though they come now whenever he doesn't hold himself accountable for something. He has a bad habit of keeping things away from his AP until those things start to effect me in a negative way.
    The other night, my daughter took pictures of myself and my husband wearing a Santa hat. She did this so him and I could have a picture of each other being silly. Since my chest was hurting, and he was at the store, I decided to look at that picture of him in hopes of resolving some inner turmoil I was starting to feel. When I saw his eyes in the picture, however, I could see his energy was not with me at that time. I dont want to think about what was going on in his head at that moment, so I just deleted the picture. I came on here to write about it hoping this would help the turmoil instead. It seems as though it is a little bit.

    Ever since my husband directly compared me to another woman several weeks ago, he has stopped laying with me in the mornings (it happened in the morning). It was something that crossed my mind earlier today and I wondered why that was. I found myself becoming depressed about it, thinking I would just never be good enough for him.

    Day by day
     
  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've done a lot of thinking over these last few days and I've realized something; I've not been kind to myself. Of course, right after I typed that, I tried to roll up my sleeve and punched myself in the chest. Seems fitting.
    One of the reasons this conclusion came to me is because prior to meeting my husband, I was on my own journey. I had a lot of faith in my ability to thrive on my own, and lived a life that reflected that. I was on a path that led to a more enlightened state of mind, integrating the science of psychology, neuroscience, and physics into what I followed on a more spiritual level. When I met my husband, he told me his path was towards being a person of medicine. However, he had a long way to go still considering how he carried himself in life. This is everyday activities, which in some way were influenced by his addiction to P. When we would do ceremonies, he would always want to lead them. He wanted the practice, so I would step back and let him do it. Over time this became the norm. He would practice and practice and practice, but could not get the results he wanted to get. I did not want to outdo him on anything because I knew his ego was so fragile, so whenever someone would call me to come to their home to do something, I would take my daughter instead of my husband. I would then be upset with myself because he would feel upset (if you've read this far, for context we are native american). I knew he was not in the proper mindset to help others, and to allow him to try would have caused more harm. I eventually stopped helping people. I figured it was the only way to help him. I slowed my own growth and progress down because I felt like I needed to wait for him to "catch up" sorta speak.
    A few days ago I realized that where he is at and where I am at doesn't matter anymore. I've kept myself wrapped in the blanket of pain he has created for so long because that blanket came to be the only source of normalcy I knew. If I continued to restrict myself, my own growth regardless of which direction it leads me, that blanket will only become heavier. I feel he is in a place where he no longer needs me for his recovery. Now, when I say that, it may seem silly to some, but for those who know our back story, him and I were all we had for a long time. There was a dependency that had come from this that needs to be addressed, then released. It is for the betterment of us both.
    He told me this morning that he does not know if we will stay together or not, he just knows he is not in the right frame of mind to make that decision right now. This didn't upset me because this is something I already knew. I had become his lifeboat after his ship went down. He is hanging onto me in fear drowning because he doesn't have trust in his own ability to swim. He doesn't trust that he can bring himself back to the surface if a big wave takes him under. So he hangs onto me, hoping I will continue to carry him to shore. This fear is a part of what keeps him with me. He is afraid if we split up, he will go back to P and he doesn't want that. Until he can be rid of this fear, he will never truly know what else is keeping him here in this relationship.
     
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