marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Last night my husband and I were talking. I was telling him about a friend of mine that I've known for over 10 years, messaged me on Facebook the other day because he wondered if I knew of anyone him and his boys could help on Christmas. I started to talk about how I knew this man, which was through cubscouts when my boys were smaller, and how we became friends when I told him about my marriage to my ex and how abusive it was. During the separation and divorce proceedings, my friend had given me his phone number as a contact to reach should my ex husband come to my house and try and harm me. This guy was also the only one that stood up for me when I was being sexually harassed by other members of the troop we were involved in, and these other members had been friends with the guy for many years longer than I had been. As the years past, this guy and I talked less and less. He met someone and got married and restricted our conversations to basically nothing because his wife asked him to remove me from Facebook. He said he didn't want to remove me, but quit talking to me to keep her happy. It was not a big deal on my end because the last thing I wanted to do is come in between a couple. A few years pass, and that is when I met my husband and remarried. During this story, my husband says to me "well, if you two get together anytime soon and hit it off, I wish the two of you the best". I later asked him why he said what he did. He told me that he felt jealous that I spoke about memories of this guy in a way that made me seem excited and upbeat, and considering how much he has hurt me over the years, he didn't feel as though I would ever see him in that same light.
    I wonder if this is something all men struggle with or just ones who have betrayed their partners. I did not intend to make him feel bad when I talked about my friend, and I feel a bit guilty for it. My friend sends me a video to watch via Facebook every now and again, but we don't actually carry on with a conversation anymore. I was actually surprised he contacted me about the Christmas thing because he is now dating someone else, and he keeps his contact with me cut off when he is with someone. Should I not talk to this person anymore? Or should I just let it be and let my husband work through this? Those are the questions for the day.
     
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  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    After thinking more about this addiction I think something finally sank in.
    When it comes to P addiction (or substance addiction) what happens in the brain is structural changes. When someone encounters a type of novelty for example (novelty means anything new whether it be stimulus or a new environment to explore) CREB protein rises in the brain to make it a rewarding experience and encourage the behavior of exploration. This is something that was needed for evolutionary history to ensure survival of the species. Had our ancestors stayed in one place and never explored new areas, it would have eventually led to extinction. So, the CREB protein rises rapidly, but it also drops rapidly as well. So if the experience is a negative one, it encodes the anxiety or fear or whatever. This served a purpose of if you explored a new environment and came face to face with a tiger, your brain would go from a rewarding experience to a negative experience. This was meant to detour exploration of that area. However, if you continued to go to that area, and continued to see the tiger, what you're eventually going to do is make those negative emotions rewarding. When you make the negative emotions rewarding, eventually they become compulsions. When they become compulsions, then the fos family of proteins in the brain begin to react to counter the negative experience. This also serves to encode the negative experience as a rewarding one.
    When someone is watching P, the CREB protein rises rapidly to enforce the seeking of a new environment or activity. Feelings associated with this are generally negative after the effect. Continued use of P eventually activates the fosB protein, which then causes it to truncate and become stable (known as DeltaFosB) which rises slowly and drops slowly. This protein accumulates in the NAc, which is a portion of the brain that stores emotion and rewards associated with the activity. So now your compulsions turn to an addiction and it is using this now negative feedback loop to enforce and reward the negative emotions associated with the reward of watching P. This is also what leads to tolerance.
    When someone tries to quit watching P, attaching negative emotions to it often causes relapses. If you're stressed, angry, anxious, fearful, whatever negative emotion you're feeling, your brain is seeking to enforce these emotions through P usage. This is why it is so hard to quit for so many. If there is a fear of being punished, either through your SO, your parents, your God, or whomever, DeltaFosB is working against your best interests to create an environment that rewards negative emotions.
    How to combat this? Obviously making P usage a positive experience is out of the question. Not allowing the SO to express their pain and trauma in the relationship is also out of the question because that is needed for healing. So there are other possibilities that need to be explored in this area. I wanted to get this train of thought out to think more about it and how to combat it with other means.
     
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  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I just thought of something to add to my previous post.
    A way to combat it would be to make recovery a positive experience rather than a negative one, and to constantly reward the recovery process.
    Adding onto my last post, if you were to constantly go to the area with the tiger, the reason it would become a compulsion is because a high would be experienced from it. This is the high that is associated with addiction. If instead of going to the area with the tiger to get that high (because of the adrenaline rush associated with thrill seeking, which is also associated with addiction) one would have to learn to replace that with something that enforces a positive experience. One thing probably could not replace that thrill, so an integration of multiple positive experiences would be needed. There would have to be a psychological, biological, and physiological replacement and they would need to be combined and integrated, then rewarded constantly. This one requires more thought
     
  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've made some improvements in my healing over these last few weeks. I can tell I still have a ways to go considering I still get tripped up when my husband does something every now and again. I didn't get as angry as I did before, however.
    I started exercising and meditation as part of my healing. I bought an exercise bike months ago that has been sitting downstairs ever since. I started making use of it, finally, 6 days ago. I started off pretty slow in the beginning, only doing 2 minutes a day (which feels like an hour if you're not used to it). I'm now at 12 minutes, so that is going in a positive direction. I had to start slow because of my heart. It needs time to adjust to any new exercise. I started doing meditation that same day. It only takes 12 minutes, so it doesn't take a huge chunk out of my day.
    Other aspects of healing have included listening to videos of Sadhguru. He is a yogi in India and has some good advice on how to reclaim your life and live it in a way that what others do dont impact you as much. With my husband in active recovery, I figured it would be a good time to put space between myself and his addiction (not to be confused with space between myself and him as a person). We still talk about his recovery and he does tell me some things that bother him a lot, and we work through them. I've found that I'm able to approach this with space between and it has allowed a more objective approach. The things that mostly bother him are thoughts that come up that he has no control over. He doesn't entertain them, but sometimes his brain tries to make the thoughts into something more and he battles his own mind as a result. So we talk about it, and we can usually pin it to something that is unresolved in his past, which allows him to work on that. If he ever engages in something deliberate, I can not say I will react in a peaceful way, however. As long as that doesn't happen, I feel I can continue to focus on myself and my healing.
    I'm still thinking about my last post regarding turning recovery into a more positive experience. I'm also considering the approach of the separation between the addict and the addicts thoughts. The reason I think this may work is because I have been able to do this with my intrusive thoughts that would occur so frequently that they would carry into my dreams. It was depressing to live that way. Always worried, paranoid something more would happen, wondering about this or that. Now those thoughts rarely come. The ones that do are far away in my mind. I can see them, but they're too far away for me to react or entertain them. I think I made enormous progress on that issue.
    If an addict was able to do that, the possibility of recovering faster could be possible. My husband and I floated the idea around of opening a P addiction treatment center where we live since there isn't anything in our state. I could do the counseling part and he could do the group activities. Something to consider for the planning of our future I suppose.
     
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  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've had a weird week. I find myself growing more and more indifferent to my husband. One example is that he went to run errands yesterday and was gone for several hours. During those several hours, I really didn't think about him. I used to wonder where he was at, what he was doing, why he didn't text me, etc. Yesterday none of that came to mind. I found myself deep in thought about existence and life. I looked at how much I sacrificed for my husband over the years, how many opportunities I passed over, and imagined how life would be if I had not met him or if he left say, tomorrow. The day before yesterday was very similar. He went running (he runs around the block so he passes the house several times) and he is always looking in the window on the way by to see if I'm watching him. If he can see me, he waves as he goes by. Most of the time, I dont bother to even look or notice he is gone.
    There is also the morning coffee time we spend together. I would rather read or watch something than talk. I asked him yesterday if he felt our conversations have grown stale and he sorta agreed. It is as though we've run out of things to say to each other. When I introduce a topic, if he shows he is clearly not interested, I usually go do something else instead. If he does seem interested, I find myself growing bored of hearing myself talk, or hearing him contribute to the conversation.
    I'm beginning to wonder if we are outgrowing each other in some way. My husband spends a lot of time trying to be close to me, but I'm beginning to feel suffocated by it to an extent. Whenever he tells me something about how he is struggling with his thoughts, or he had something come to mind about another woman, I've noticed how much space is between him and I. I'm not sure if it is space created by me alone, but there's quite a gap.
    Then today, on my way to the store, my mind became overrun by intrusive thoughts that just came out of nowhere. I could feel the tension in my body, and there was chest pain, but I didn't experience an adrenaline rush like I usually would have. By the time I got into the store, the thoughts were gone for the most part. I did find myself angry at a few other shoppers, but I was also aware that it didn't have anything to do with them personally, it was merely a physiological response to what I had experienced before walking into the store.
    Maybe I just need a vacation from everything
     
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  6. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    You and me both, sister.
     
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  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I woke my husband up from a nightmare last night. Evidently he has been having a difficult time getting a particular person off his mind and it carried over into his dream. He was doing a muffled yell,and I could not make out what he was trying to say. He said in his dream, he was trying to talk to family members about his struggle and they wouldn't listen to him and treated him like he was crazy. He started crying when he woke up saying he didn't know what to do because his urges to watch P have increased substantially, and this particular person has been a huge trigger over these last few days.
    I was not sure how to help him, and a part of me wasn't interested in hearing or helping him. I asked him if he had been doing the mental exercises we had discussed a week or so ago to help alleviate some of the pressure, and he said he only did it that one time then forgot about it.
    I've read several journals on here where other men have said that the time period he is in with recovery, when they went through that time period they also struggled with the same thing. So I am guessing this may be another milestone in the recovery process. I hope he chooses to reach out to his AP or someone else on here that has made it past that time to talk to about it.
     
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  8. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I started watching videos of a guru a few weeks ago and it amazes me how much what I have said is similar to what is said in these videos.
    We have become a society that focuses so much on biology that other things are ignored. If you're told that others are the source of your happiness and your pleasure, then you will have a difficult time finding these things in yourself. From a young age, women are taught that their value is in their looks, and men are taught their value is in how much money they make. If these things are lacking on either side, then depression and unhappiness occur. When those things occur, then compulsions and obsessive behaviors develop. This is one of the driving factors behind addictions, regardless of the substance.
    I am posting the link to the video on YouTube in case anyone else would like to watch it
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I think one of the biggest obstacles or barriers in my marriage is my husbands ability to overcome who he thinks I am, and see me for who I really am.
    He started seeing a new therapist. When he came home from his appointment, I asked him how it went. He said they talked about past childhood trauma and girls he dated in the past. I was interested in the first part because my husband has had a difficult time addressing his childhood trauma as trauma, so I asked him if he talked about stuff he already told me about. He responds with: i didn't tell you those things because i didn't want to hurt you. At this point I realized he mistakenly thought I was asking about his past relationships, not his childhood trauma. So I asked him how something that happened in his life prior to us being together would hurt me, especially considering how he has talked about his past relationships to me in the past and I was not nor did I respond in a way that implied I was hurt by it. He says, "the you talking right now is not the same you from back then". When I asked him to clarify this statement, he said he was just voicing his opinion. I explained to him, again, that the version of me in his head is not the same version of me in real life. He had no reason to think by telling me this stuff from his past that I would get hurt by it since it has never happened before, yet he puts it in his head.
    Why does this irritate me? Because during times of us trying to uncover things from his past, him telling me this stuff could have helped put pieces together that I didn't see, and it could have helped him with his recovery. By carrying this false image of me in his head, he hindered his progress. By hindering his progress , he is hurting me in that way.
    So he has a therapist now and can talk to him about stuff openly and freely, and that is okay. I'm glad he is able to do so there. I had to make it clear to him that I was not arguing the false image of me so he would tell me about the stuff, I was arguing about it because after 7 years, my husband still doesn't know who I am as a person. It is because of this that I want to distance myself even more from him. He spent so much time getting to know all these other women in his life and not even a quarter of that time getting to know who I was a person. I mean, when you have to argue with your spouse over the fact that you like a tea that they've convinced themselves that you don't, and will continue to argue about it for several minutes as though they are correct, it is a bit disheartening honestly. When I tell him some of the things I like and dislike, he seems shocked. When I tell him how my brain functions this way or that way with processing information, he thinks I need to change it. He also thinks he knows my body better than I do. I have a condition that literally limits mobility in some of my joints, but evidently, if I over work them every day, they will magically get better.
    Being married to someone who puts a story in their head about who they think you are while outright disputing things you tell them about yourself is just odd. Is this a normal human thing, I wonder? Or is it an addict thing?
    Another thing that perplexes me is how he has always had these reactions to just about every other woman around, but has never experienced those same reactions with me. As in, he has to fight off an arousal if he sees some woman's legs or cleavage, but has no reaction to my legs or cleavage. I wonder if he is even sexually attracted to me. When we go long periods of time without sex, his mind is trying to find other women for that release, but his mind never looks to me. I feel like a last resort to him. Like I've always been that last resort.
    It is just one of those down days I suppose
     
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  10. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I think every spouse experiences this. My wife and I have been together for about a decade now in total. Early in dating she asked if I like A or B better (generalizing for many reasons). I said B, which was the truth. She took is as me not liking A at all. So for years, and still now, if I suggest we do A, or ask why we dono't do A, she says it's because I said I don't like it and then we have an argument (that last maybe 90 seconds, but has been repeated probably 50 times.
     
  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I hear what you're saying, but in this particular case, I was the one that bought the tea, and the only one who drank it. The day he decided he wanted to make himself a cup, he said he would have made me one too but I didn't like it so he didn't.
    I do get how misunderstandings of that nature could occur. The preference for one thing over another doesn't mean that the one that wasn't preferred wasn't liked.
    Another example was a time he took my car to go visit his family and someone hit the side of it. He called me to tell me about it and I asked if everyone was okay, and told him that I have insurance so I was not worried about the damage. For years he told everyone how I got so mad at him for damaging my car. He even tried to convince me that I had gotten mad at him and yelled at him. We argued about that for years because even though he would finally remember what really happened, he would forget and the old version would be what he remembered.
    There are a lot of other examples, and most of them make me out to be some villain in his mind
     
  12. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    I seriously doubt your husband has "never" had those reactions towards you, but as for porn addicts I believe what you describe is a symptom of the Coolidge Effect. It really comes down to a comfort with what's known, and an excitement with the fantasy of the unknown. I love my wife's cleavage, but I can't say I get immediately aroused by it. However, if I happened upon an attractive woman with cleavage, I would no doubt struggle with bouncing the eyes and have a physiological reaction - heart racing, excitement, etc., and if I linger on this unknown female and turn her into a subject of fantasy, arousal will occur. It's because we so easily objectify women we don't have relationships with as that's what viewing porn literally is - complete objectification.

    The solution to this dilemma is for me to develop and cultivate intimacy with my wife. I may not be instantly aroused by the sight of her cleavage which I've seen thousands of times before, but I have no problem getting excited in bed when we're intimate, and part of my goals is to devote all of my sexual energy towards my wife. So when I've had issues with this in the past, I didn't think of my wife as a last resort. We maintained an active sexual relationship throughout my addiction - ironically, more so then than now when I'm sober. I was addicted to the chemicals in my brain that you're more familiar with than I am. That rush can only be achieved through leering, fantasy, and porn use along with acting out.

    However, I doubt I could ever get my wife to fully understand what I just stated. It's difficult to look beyond the betrayal and indiscretions - appropriately so. They're without excuse. I just point this out because it's my belief that porn addiction has less to do with a rejection of our SOs and more to do with chasing the high and escape. The natural consequence is for SOs to feel rejected - and again, appropriately so, as how could they not?

    I fear this is a less than eloquent way of me explaining the concept of "It's not you it's me." (as if your husband were saying it)
     
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  13. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I understand and I do get it. It still hurts when I see how he puts so much effort into finding excuses to maintain an arousal brought on by another woman, but does nothing to nurture our marriage. It makes it seem even more so that his interest is still with the pursuit rather than contentment of what he already has.

    We talked a bit about how he has a difficult time 'calming himself down' when he has thoughts or sees other women and says it would be so much easier on him to just let the arousal continue than try and redirect his thoughts. He said the effort to do so isn't worth the fight and he thinks that it will take less time if he just allows himself to enjoy it then move on with life. I had to remind him that living in that state of mind is what led up to his last relapse because those little hits cause your brain to want more and more. It would be like drug addict that abstained for a short time only to take one small hit after another. Eventually it will become a full blown addiction again. Once he allows it to start with involuntary thoughts, it will then become voluntary thoughts and him chasing that high. We've been down this road so many times before.

    That is why I say I am a last resort. If he had a choice between being intimate with me or going to flirt with the cashier at the convenience store down the street, he would pick the latter. Even now, he only comes to me when he is looking for justifications to resume his actions. He never comes to me just because. He only wants to be close to me when he has a hard time controlling his urges. It is never just because I'm his wife. Just some patterns I've noticed over these last few months.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2021
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  14. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Wish I could just give a sad face instead of a like
     
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately many porn addicts do reject their wives. It’s not just a consequence. It’s actual rejection. When your wife initiates or asks for sex and you tell her no, repeatedly, weeks and months and years, all while using porn for sexual release. You have rejected your wife. Many porn addicts do this. Obviously not all, some enjoy a frequent sexual relationship with their wife, while some are rejected by their wife..... ultimately by saying no, you are rejecting their attempt at sex. You could have a very legitimate reason and you have every right to say no. However, it is still rejection and the salt to the wound is realizing it’s because they get sexual satisfaction from pmo.
     
  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Every so often, my husband tries to talk me into being intimate with him. He says it is because he has the desire to feel close to me and connect with me. Last night he said this to me. He said that desire has been there for around 3 days or so. He said it generally lasts for about 5 days, peaking on the 3rd day. I haven't had a desire to be intimate with him in almost a month now, and I told him that last night. That I didn't want to. I also feel as though the desire he feels is not about being close to me, but about releasing his sexual energy that gets built up by other women. This is the main reason I've had no interest in that. He wakes up this morning to tell me he had a dream that he was M-ing and woke up right as he "released". He swears he did not do anything to himself and it was just something that occurred in his dream that finished when he woke up. I asked him later if his desire to be close to me was still there and he said it wasn't and that he was okay. I feel as this proves the point that it is less about wanting to be close to me and more about pleasure seeking. I would think if it were about being close to me, the desire to do that would still be there, even if it was a bit smaller considering how long he says it lasts. But it isnt there at all. I even half joked about the possibility of us being intimate today but told him since he already "finished" that I didn't want to mess anything up. He said he was glad I understood.
    I suppose the abstinence should continue. I really don't know what else to think about all of this.
     
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  17. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    When talking with my husband this morning, we discussed where I was with my healing. I explained that when you're in a state of betrayal, it can be very difficult to move out of that world and into another one. I am in the process of moving into a different world, one that doesn't experience trauma. It isnt as easy as it sounds, and I do tend to get sucked back into the world of betrayal and lies whenever he does something that is considered a trigger for me.
    In order to move out of this world I have to come to terms with, and accept the fact that his choices are his own. Should he make the choice to pursue another woman again, or go back to P or P-subs, then he has made his choice. By making this choice, he is choosing that over the marriage and by not upholding his end of the deal in the marriage, that also means I am no longer obligated to hold up my end either. Ive made it pretty clear to him that another relapse is the end of the marriage. There is no 3rd time and forgiveness. It will be time for me to move on without him should he choose that path. This isnt me being harsh or critical, these are the boundaries I've set for myself to protect myself. If he relapses and we can't afford to move away from each other, then we will merely be roommates until we can. I always told him that I will fight for him, but I will never fight over him. These last 3 years or so has felt like I have to fight over him, as though I need to constantly prove my worth to him. Ive reached that point that I know what my worth is. If he doesn't see it, well, then there is no use in proving it to him anymore.
    I think this stage in my own healing has brought me to the point of realizing that prevention only makes the "forbidden" more alluring. If I constantly monitor his Facebook time, he will want to increase it. If I constantly monitor his online time, his YouTube time, and his outside the house time, he will only want to increase it and is more likely to do things that violate our marriage. I'm not his mom. I've done all I can to help him out of his dark place, now it is up to him to either continue towards a place of peace or crawl back into that pit. Either way, I will not stop him. If he chooses that pit, yes, it will hurt. But that is his choice. He must also understand that I am free to make choices as well, and not being with him anymore would be that choice.
    It was not easy to come to this because I love him and want what is best for him and his recovery. He is convinced I want to oversee his therapy and his recovery process with his AP. This is simply not true. I have told him that he should direct his therapist to literature over PA so he can have a better understanding of what he is dealing with to help my husbands progress. He feels as though I am being invasive of his conversations. However, I have never asked him to disclose what he has said in those conversations with his therapists outside of how they view PA. Anything he has told me outside of those questions have been his choice. Maybe he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he thinks I expect him to tell me everything. I know there are things I can't help him with, and for that, he does need to be able to have private conversations with others. That is part of growth.
     
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  18. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I was reading something the other day that, at first, seemed a bit odd. The more I think about it though, I can see how it would make sense.
    It said to track your progress through each day. What exactly is considered progress is moments of joy and moments of happiness. If you track three moments of joy one day and two the next day, then go back and see where you went wrong. Why did you only have two after having three the previous day, and what can you do differently to increase it? It seems a bit corny but the point of the practice is to teach yourself to find joy and happiness in things. In other words, take the time to stop and appreciate the things around you. If you're only having one or two moments of joy in a day, then you're not living life to the fullest potential. The end game is to basically learn to find joy in everything you're doing, even if something negative occurs (this one is a bit tricky).
    Why is this important? It is to reset the brain. If the brain is able to find positives in everything, it is less likely to sink into a negative state of mind. Negative states of mind can lead to depression, anxiety, and other maladaptive moods and behaviors. It will be an interesting experiment.
     
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  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Last night my husband came upstairs and told me that he was having a really difficult time with his mind and thoughts. We sat and watched a few videos together to help get his mind refocused on his spiritual path, and it seemed to help. I spent money we didn't have to sign him up for a program that focuses on intense meditation and learning to take control of your mind, a few days ago. As far as I know, he has not taken part in that program just yet, and I hope that he does soon since he only has 30 days to complete the program.

    As far as my healing is concerned, I feel I am doing a lot better. I started exercising every day on my bike. When I started, I could only go for about 5 minutes before it felt like my heart was going to explode. I'm now up to almost 40 minutes. I haven't been able to move off the first setting though, but I am hoping to continue to progress to that. When I used to exercise, I would ride my bike for 40 miles a day. 20 miles on the exercise bike, 20 on a real bike through the city we live in. My oldest son and I would go do this every night, and it was always so much fun. We would wait until after dark to go when there was less traffic. I miss those days. I would ride the exercise bike at setting 7. My body was a lot stronger when I met my husband. Since he was not too interested in riding bikes, and since I got pregnant right away, that activity stopped pretty quickly shortly after he moved in with me. I am hoping to get back to that level where I can take my regular bike on the trails around here.
    I've also continued to meditate every day for about 15 minutes. This is an activity my husband and I do together. He says it has helped him. Unfortunately, these last few nights, our daughter has decided that our mediation time is daddy-daughter time so he's not been able to participate. I wonder if that played a part in why he was having such a rough time last night.

    My husbands confessions to me have stopped for the most part. Since he has started therapy again (my therapist is his therapists supervisor so I am able to pass information to her that will help), Journaling daily, and speaking with his AP often, the need for me to help him deal with the addiction is nearly nonexistent. What we are doing now is working on our communication to each other. He still has a difficult time telling me things every now and again, not because he is trying to keep it from me, but because he doesn't understand the new boundaries. For example, if he goes to the store and happens to talk to a woman there, it is okay to tell me about the conversation he had with her. Whatever feelings or thoughts that came about during that conversation , if they were sexual in nature, he is to direct those to his AP or write in his journal about them. The hope is to make these women human and get his brain to a point where talking to or being around another woman is just part of social interaction, and the lady isn't going to strip naked and preform some scene for him. That is one way in how P damages the mind. Our brains are unable to distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy, so his wiring is geared towards sexual expectations because he saw it in P. A lot of men were unfortunatly wired this way as well. They dont know how to participate in a social situation like a regular person. It is something they will have to learn as though they were teens again (since most seem to have been introduced to P as teens).

    We continue to practice abstinence. Why I decided to do so was so I could work on my own healing. Another reason is because I feel as though if I am to share that part of myself with someone, that someone would need to only want to share that experience with me. My husband still has thoughts of other women and P scenes that come to his mind when we are intimate. He feels ashamed and then it becomes a rushed action based solely on pleasure. Basically he wants to hurry and get it over with before his mind goes completely somewhere else. He does try to be in the moment, but it is almost impossible for him to do so. Then, by proxy, it becomes impossible for me to do so as well. Now it is no longer a special act.

    I've stopped watching what he does with his time. The boundaries we have set are pretty clear on what it is he needs to tell me. If he chooses to go on YouTube and watch videos, that is his decision. He should be at a point where he can identify what he is doing, and if it is something wrong. He knows the consequences for his actions should he head that way. If he goes on Facebook, the same applies. He has limited his time there to once a week to post his running progress, and to only stay on his own page. He still has me log into his account and take him to his page so he can post, and does it while sitting with me. Sometimes I forget he is even on there and will leave the room. I suppose that is an indication on how the trigger isnt so triggering anymore, and shows progress in my own healing.

    Day by day
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
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  20. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    40 minutes! So proud of you!

    Day by day is right.
     
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