marriage in quantum superposition

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DefendMyHeart, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I appreciate the comment. Sometimes just standing with someone is good, even if you feel like you don't have anything to say.

    Hopefully the professor is able to change the class to where it is only online with no meetings or anything. It shouldn't be a problem, especially with covid. I was more upset with the fact that he didn't try to come up with solutions and had planned to continue as though it was okay. I was also reminded of how he would come sit with me after his class and tell me about how he felt high. I would ask what he felt high with, and he would say life. It was dopamine he was high with, and evidently enjoying it to the point where moving outside of that area was not an option in his mind.
    His professor was understanding too, that is why he was willing to work with my husband. This professor is also the chair of my husbands thesis committee so they know each other well. He could have resolved this long before it got this bad. I just don't think he wanted to. Still stuck in that mode of justification.
    I told him if he continued the class in that way, things would not end well with him and I by the end of the semester. When I said that, I found myself set on the fact of leaving him and being okay about it. So I have to ask myself again and again what exactly is it that is holding me here? If one is sustaining themselves with lust, then the capacity for love does not exist. I would be so much further with things in my life had it not been for him. I gave up my dream of being a neuroscientist because he couldn't get accepted in the same college as I did, which was 3 hours away from where we currently live. I gave up my second dream of being a neuropsychologist because I couldn't attend research seminars and studies because they took place in the day, and would have interfered with his day classes. Classes he failed over and over again, mind you, because he was hung up on the women in the classes and not paying attention to, or doing the work. So it was all for nothing basically. There's so much more that I would take all day to list everything.
    Had I not met him, I would already have a doctorate degree and able to be in the field I was striving for. It is difficult to look at all that I gave up for him and compare it to the very little he sacrificed for me in return. More willing to sacrifice me than sacrifice for me.
    I'm not even emotional about all of this. I've been pretty numb to everything these last few weeks. Emotions or not, my thought processes are still there though.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2021
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  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband and I talked a little more about what happened. Out of everything that happened, what upset me the most is how when he falls backwards, he tries to grab onto me to pull me down with him. I feel this drag. I told him that my emotions are all or nothing. If I cut off the bad, I am also cutting off the good. By doing so, it would basically make us roommates. Of course he didn't want that and promised to do better. I told him this was the last time. If he tries to "tough it out" or " power through it" again, it was considered a relapse and we were done. He broke his promise to me, and that is something he needs to remember. He says he has a bad memory. He can pull up scenes from P that he watched years ago, and he can pull up body parts of women into his memory that he saw years ago as well. So it isnt a bad memory, it is a misused memory. I told him if he has the ability to remember conversations he had with cashier's in the grocery stores that he was attracted to, then he was capable of remembering his promises to me. No more excuses. Either learn to put me there or lose me.

    I then told him about how he needs to learn to make his unconscious thoughts conscious by putting things together. For example, prior to logging into his class he should have said to himself "I'm consciously making the decision to engage in this activity, knowing how it makes me feel high, and choosing to disregard my recovery in the process and not look for solutions. I am choosing to use this woman as a source of pleasure, disregarding her humanity and her right to safety in an academic setting. I'm doing this while being fully aware that it will continue to get worse, and it will have a negative impact on my marriage and family. This is my porn, and I am making excuses to engage in it". That is what he was doing each and every time. When I told him that, I asked him if he had to say that to himself before logging into class, would he have continued down that path. He said he would not have because he would have realized exactly what he was doing.

    We also talked about love and how love is an internal state of being, just like pleasure is. If you're feeling something towards someone, regardless of the emotion, this person is basically being used. If your love is only towards me in certain moments, then when it is not there, you will feel as though that emotion is contingent on what I'm doing. You will use me to evoke those feelings, something you should feel all the time. This is no different than pleasure. The state of pleasure of most humans is reliant on an outside source. Pleasure is also an internal state of emotion. If you're unable to operate in this capacity all the time, you will use others to have that experience.
    Learning to separate the feelings (internal) from the person (external) is crucial, not just for recovery, but for well being in general. This is something he has to learn to do. His pleasure seeking isn't him being attracted to someone, it is him using that other person for a high. He can justify it in multiple ways as much as he wants, but the internal and external are separate from each other. If he breaks it down and sees the person for the human they are, he then realizes he does not want to be with that person. They are only a source of pleasure.
    How to separate one from the other isnt always easy. If you think of a time you were angry, there was more than likely an external source for that anger. If you were able to sit with the emotion without attributing it to anything or anyone, you would realize that there is no need to feel that way. Your body would become sensitive to the anger (it changes the blood chemistry to be angry) and would realize you are only poisoning yourself by holding onto it. The body would want to release it.
    With pleasure it is a bit more difficult because the body enjoys pleasure. It does not poison the system. However, if you can separate the pleasure from the person, then attribute it to something else instead, something healthy and safe, then eventually the brain would learn to associate pleasure with the healthy person or thing rather than the unhealthy one. This takes conscious effort and consistency. Hopefully he is able to continue forward.
     
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  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    The head of my department contacted me yesterday with a job offer. I dont know when I will start, but it is for the new research center being built at my college. He told me he wanted me to be the first person hired, which was why he contacted me before having all the details of it. I am still shocked about it.

    One of the things my husband and I were talking about this morning was research in general. I imagine my center will have some hand in educational research. This is fine, but frustrating at the same time. The reason it is frustrating is regardless of the topic, if youre not implementing solutions to problems you find, then research is just words on paper and nothing more. Our educational system here is messed up, as I'm sure everyone knows already. We are still training the kids for factory work, which was the purpose of the bells and short lunches. It is also expected that kids sit still for hours and hours a day and listen to what is taught. If a child is unable to sit still, then they are labeled as problem children and it is thought that they can not be taught and will not succeed in life. Because if you can't sit in one place for hours, how can you be expected to work in the way that is expected of you later in life? So kids rebel against what is unnatural to them and they are labeled with neurological issues and punished by restricting their outlets, such as recess time. The kids that more than likely need it the most.
    Not to mention how this country ranks in the world in education. When you compare how we do things with other countries that outrank us, their systems are built around the well being of kids for the most part. Not something I will go into too much here.
    The point is, we are teaching kids what is not normal or conducive and telling them it is what is best for them. To complain shows weakness and immaturity. So kids are taught to suppress their emotions and push themselves in a way that is unnatural in order to fit in. Then we wonder why crime rates, addiction and homelessness is on the rise.
    There was a story I heard not long ago.
    There was a group of traveling monks who would go from town to town. Their leader told them that every night they would stay with a host in the towns, but they were not allowed to stay more than 2 nights, 1 being the most ideal. He said it was because staying longer would put considerable strain on the host family. There was one exception and that was during monsoon season. The monks could not travel through the forests during that time because it was too dangerous to do so. So during this season, they would stay with a host for around 3 months time. They traveled to a village and went around collecting alms for their cause from the villagers. One of the monks visited a home where a known prostitute lived to collect from her. She offered for him to stay with her during those 3 months, to which he replied he would need to ask his master for permission. He goes to his master and asks and his master agrees for him to stay there. The villagers were up in arms about it "why would you let him stay there? She is a prostitute" The master said, so what? I think my way of life is the most powerful way to live. If her way of life is more powerful than mine, then let me live that way of life. So the villagers became upset and contested the masters decision to let the monk stay with the prostitute. The monk went and stayed with her anyway.
    The first night, the prostitute offered the monk a warmer robe to wear since the one he had on was made of thin fabric. The villagers said "oh, she's got him. This is not good"
    The second night, she cooked for him all sorts of tasty foods. The villagers again, thought she would persuade him.
    On the third night, she danced for him. He sat and watched her intently. "Oh, this is it. She has seduced him for sure this time".
    This went on, night after night where she would dance for him and he would watch her.
    Three months later, the monk set out to find his master. With him, was a female monk.

    The way we live influences others around us.

    If we are living in a society where it is seen that expression of emotion is a weakness to the extent that adults practice this, then suppression is what is eventually learned. What is suppressed is multiplied and comes out in other ways, such as anger, stress, lust, sadness, depression, and suicide. Teaching kids how to manage their emotions, not suppress them, is teaching them a better way of life. By teaching them a better way of life, this becomes a form of prevention for things like sex addiction. Addiction is an outlet of control. If people feel as though they have no control over themselves, they will find outlets in which they feel they can control themselves, addiction to something being the norm.
    The way to teach is to live in that capacity.
    This goes for everything in life. You teach your kid to read books by reading books yourself. You teach your kid to eat healthy and exercise by doing those things yourself. If you're not participating in those actions, they are not learning anything from you. They will find others from whom they can learn from instead. If that way is more powerful than the way you live, they will choose that path instead.
    We all make mistakes. Regardless of how long we have walked down the wrong road, it is never too late to turn around and go back. If we want to eliminate things from society that are bad, we have to show a better way to go.
     
  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband can be so complicated sometimes.

    Him and I were talking earlier and he showed me a message he received from someone on here that noticed a correlation between when he runs for 9 or 10 miles, and his nocturnal emissions. So I told him that it was good that he had someone that was able to help him identify a pattern for him. So my husband asked me if I noticed the pattern as well. I told him that I didn't because he never really talked to me about how many miles he runs everyday. I know some days he runs more than others, and I know length of time he is gone doesn't always mean more miles because sometimes his knee gives out and he walks the laps instead. So I joked with him saying that he told the nofap community more than he tells me. He kind of laughed and said that he says more stuff on here because there isn't that immediate criticism that he gets when he talks to me. I asked him if he felt I criticize him, and he said yes. I asked how much he felt that, and he said he felt that all the time. Everytime, every conversation, evidently I'm criticizing everything he is saying.
    So I'm trying to break this down and figure it out. So I'm looking at our conversations today. We talked about my experience with my meditation, we talked about our daughters therapy session and what we both noticed she did, we went to the store where he got all wound up and yelled at me because there were women all over the place and he lost control of himself, then we came home and had dinner and talked about day to day stuff, then he went and took a nap. It was after his nap that he saw that message.
    Not once today did I say he was wrong about anything or dispute anything he said to me. Not even after he yelled at me.
    So I just quit talking to him, except to respond with short answers to anything he asked me. I dont know how else to respond since he thinks I'm always being critical of him. Now he's upset that I'm not talking, and he thinks I'm upset with him, so now he's more upset with me.
    I really don't know what to do.

    Overall, the only times I've ever told him he was wrong was when he would try to justify his addictive behavior, but that has declined significantly.

    On the other hand, he likes to try and "call me out" on things, which would make him a bit critical towards me. I wonder if this is a projection of some sort.
     
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  5. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    Sounds all too familiar. Add in them saying: You were yelling! (When the Ring camera proves I wasn’t yelling even a tiny bit.)
    They are blinded by their guilt maybe? I’m sorry. Danged if we do or don’t.
     
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  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    He does have it in his mind that I've yelled at him for doing things wrong. I ask for examples and he can't remember what I said, but will remember that I was mad. The thing is, he's never heard me yell. I dont yell unless it is an emergency of some sort, and that has not happened since him and I have been together.
    When I get mad, I do have a firm voice, however. This may be what he thinks is me yelling at him.
    When he yelled at me this last time, all I said to him was "are you okay? You seem distant". I didn't say anything to him after he yelled his answer at me. I get tired of being the punching bag for his anger and frustration.
     
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  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    There is just something that doesn't feel quite right about how my husband sneaks off to watch sports highlights in the bedroom.
    He's been in a really bad mood these last few days, often taking his anger out on me with little outbursts. He told me earlier that he has been having a hard time with thoughts and as a solution, he decided to restrict his internet time to only a few hours a day, and only for important matters. This was his own plan. He has been logging on to his tablet throughout the day, and now sneaking off into the bedroom to watch sports. Usually when he sneaks off to do something, it is generally followed by him acting out later.
    So I ask him about it. He says he didn't sneak away to watch sports, he went down there to finish registering for a program, then decided to watch sports to "make sure his computer was still working".
    Hs reaction to me walking into the bedroom and seeing him doing that just reeks of guilt and shame, which is another factor. If he didn't feel as though it was wrong, why would he act that way? This isn't the first time I've walked in the bedroom to him watching sports and I've never said anything to him about it. Why he's acting this way now is perplexing.

    I hope for the day I can write a journal entry where I can talk about good things and good things only. I'm not allowing his actions to bother me too much, but I do find myself going into a "prepared to leave should he act out" mode. I know it is that protective barrier that us SOs tend to build around ourselves that is putting me into that mode.
    I get tired of being the punching bag.
     
  8. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    Our gut says a lot... especially when their behavior shows more negative signs than positive change.
     
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  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I have very little sympathy for self inflicted suffering.
    I was reviewing this aspect of myself over these last few days because I wondered why it was that I am that way. What brought it up was, yesterday one of my kids blamed me for their inability to sleep the night before. See, my husband and I decided to stay up all night for the night of the new moon. It was a tradition that our ancestors used to practice, and a tradition that is practiced today in other cultures. So we thought, why not try it and see? I absolutely love to experiment with things so if I hear about something that may help in one aspect or another, I will give it a shot.
    Since the practice was taking place in another culture on that night, we thought it may be fun to tune into their festival and see what all they do. Not only would it give us the cultural knowledge, but it would also help us to stay awake. So my husband and I sat at the kitchen table all night and listened to the music an teachings from that culture. The volume of it was low enough that him and I could still have a conversation in a low tone.
    Evidently it wasn't quiet enough for my child.
    The next day they asked why we played music all night and why we stayed awake. I went to explain what we did and the reason behind it, only to be met with a "i couldn't sleep because that was so loud, and now my whole day schedule is messed up". I asked why they didn't text me to let me know it was bothering them, to which they replied, "I told you that I hear all the noises in the house all the time, and I didn't think you would be on your electronics all night".
    So we reached an impasse on what the appropriate way to handle those events should have been. I told them if they would have texted me, once they realized the music was still playing, we would have turned it down more or gone into our room with it. My child seems to think I should have been able to read their mind when they became discomforted by the music, and automatically understood that the entire world is supposed to revolve around their feelings and shut it off to ensure they continued to feel validated and special.
    It may seem as though I'm being sarcastic, but they literally think this way. Most teens do, I suppose.
    So my reaction was that of little sympathy. It would have taken 2 seconds for them to text and say that it was too loud. They chose instead, to suffer and use that suffering as an excuse to blame others for their own inaction.
    Personal responsibility is hard, I guess.

    While thinking about all of this, I began to realize how little sympathy I had for my husband when he would do something on purpose that he knew would cause harm to himself. That night we watched the festival, I suppose I should clarify that it was him that watched it and I listened to it. He had his eyes firmly planted on the screen and I knew it more than likely was due to the fact that there were women dancing there. He had little interest in sharing the experience with me as his wife, instead, choosing to indulge of his psub. So, as a result, when we did the meditations that they did, I saw many things where he saw nothing. After the last meditation, we went on to complain about how his time spent wasn't worth it. He got angry, depressed, and upset. Knowing how he went about it, I really didn't care about how he felt when he suffered from it. Why would I, after all? He did it to himself.
    We had a conversation about it today and he said he realized what he was doing through the time he was doing it, but continued to do it anyway because he was expecting some magical thing to happen to him to take away the triggers he was experiencing. Sorry dude, that is not how that works. You can't outsource your healing. Personal responsibility is hard.
    I stayed up all night. Personal responsibility means to me that I am still responsible for taking care of what needed to be done the next morning, and no, I have no right to take out any frustrations brought about by my own actions on anyone else. This is where I feel my husband and my child lack tremendously.
     
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  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband and I, over the years of his recovery, have talked about the difference between what is normal and what is normalized. We talked about how the two are not the same, and to test on one society, gives very skewed results on what is "normal human behavior".
    If you were to come up with some sort of measurement that assessed how men view women, then give it to people in this country and people in an Asian country that actively participate in yogic science, you would see very different results. People who actively practice the yogic sciences would see women no different than men. By that I mean, they would see them as people, no genders attached. The reason for this is because they don't see the fuss behind biological features that is seen in societies such as this one.
    So which one is normal? When most people think of monks or yogis, they automatically attribute some superhuman type abilities to them. The thing is, there is nothing superhuman about them. They have just learned to use the prefrontal cortex in a way that is nearly unheard of here. If anything, they would be considered more human, whereas people here would be more closely related to the primitive ancestors from which we evolved from. Still focused on consumption and failing to realize that true liberation and happiness comes from lack of attachment to things. However, if you convince enough people that something is normal, then it begins to become normalized. Porn, excessive shopping, excessive sex.. all these things show is that the person is ruled by the limbic system, not the prefrontal cortex. Being able to use the PFC to the fullest extent would free people from the prison of the limbic system. Yes, it would still function, but instead of controlling you, you would control it. It would work for you, not against you. This is what should be considered normal because anyone is capable of doing this. What holds a lot of people back is fear. Fear of giving up something that they don't realize is needed.
    This has been the journey my husband has taken for his recovery. He is taking part in practices that teach him how to use the PFC in a manner that works for him, not against him. Fear still holds him back from making leaps and bounds, but he is walking steadily along that path. He is able to recognize bad behaviors better than he could several weeks ago, and he is able to identify his patterns that will lead him down the wrong path and avert it before he goes down it. He does still have issues that need to be worked on, but he is getting better slowly.

    Meanwhile, my therapist asked if I wanted to start meeting once a month instead of every other week. I told her that I would keep it at every two weeks for now since my appointment is the same time as my daughters. The main reason is because I noticed how my daughter would be in a happy mood on the way to therapy, but once we got there, her mood would turn sour. I want to show her that the purpose of therapy is to get better, not develop more problems for yourself. So every two weeks I am going to go to my appointment with my therapist while going on about how much progress I've made and how I will probably not need therapy anymore. I'm hoping to plant that seed for her. My therapist is on board with this as well and said we could use that time to talk about my research and stuff instead.
    Moving along, day by day
     
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  11. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I've found this whole journey to be an interesting one. Looking back on my first post I see a distraught individual who felt cornered and powerless over life. I saw someone who was willing to give up on everything, not just the marriage, but everything this life had to offer. I see someone who was trying to cling onto something that was no longer there, so desperately, that their hands were bleeding as they were being dragged down a path of life they did not ask for. There was so much pain, anguish, and despair in those beginning posts.

    I knew I had to do something for myself entirely if I was ever going to be able to heal myself from the trauma. The levels of adrenaline that constantly flooded my body were reaching dangerous levels, and my doctor was worried if they continued, that he would reach a point where he could no longer help me. The will to survive had to grow if I was going to make it.

    I started doing a 90 day meditation. About half way through, I integrated a second meditation that I did in the mornings since the other was done at night before bed. Both of these helped tremendously, which was pretty surprising considering how skeptical I was of them when I started. Even though I've completed the 90 days from the one meditation, I have continued to meditate in the evenings with a different one. One that focuses on healing the body and mind from the inside. I feel so relaxed and wonderful after the fact. It makes the top of my head tingle as though someone is playing with my hair. Through all these meditations, I have learned to find "pleasure" within myself, rather than it needing to come from an external source. Because of this transformation within, I am no longer reliant on any pleasure I would receive from my husband through sex, through intimacy, and anything related to the emotional aspect in the relationship. I no longer have that "need" for the external stuff.

    I also understand that even though I may not need it, my husband still feels he does. It had been over a month since the last time we were intimate with each other, but to me, it was not an issue. My husband, has taken a step back and has respected that part of me, but he was struggling over these last few days. We were intimate last night as a result. What was interesting was, even though it was pleasurable, it was not anywhere near as pleasurable as the experiences I have felt during meditation sessions. I didn't have a need to do anything beyond making sure my husband felt content, and that is what made me feel good about the experience. The tie to the limbic system, the part that controls aspects that drive us to small pleasures such as sex, had no hold on me.

    I am hoping that my husband is able to get to that point as well. I feel like once he does, and he is able to make his limbic system work for him rather than against him, that he will reach a new level of recovery. One that could be considered as "cured".
     
  12. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    My husband and I had to take our daughter to the doctors this morning because she was in pain. My husband had been in a terrible mood since yesterday, when her pain started, because she is incredibly fussy and clingy to him when she doesn't feel well. He embraces it at first, but after awhile, you can see the enthusiasm that was there in the beginning disappear and get replaced with anger and frustration.
    I had class last night and I really needed to attend. Since he was stuck with our daughter in his arms, he was unable to cook dinner. So I ordered some instant foods from our store via Instacart and told my older kids to cook dinner, which they were capable of doing since it was all stuff to be cooked in the oven. I went to class, but was not really paying much attention since the lady who was picking up our items kept messaging me. Stuff I ordered was out of stock, she couldn't find something, etc. Then she finally brings the stuff and the order is messed up. My kids didn't know what I bought so they just went to work on cooking everything, so in the end, it didn't matter too much.
    My husband was able to take a break from our daughter long enough to eat. Right after that though, she was right back at wanting to be held by him. This continued through a good part of the evening. He has made it part of the schedule that he goes and meditates around 9pm, so after I finished cleaning the kitchen, I took over by keeping her company. She won't let me carry her (I think she understands my heart has issues because she quit letting me carry her when things got really bad) so I just sat with her and played Korean videos since she seems to like to listen to them.
    After my husband finished his meditation, it was my turn. I went in and was able to complete about 3/4ths of it before I was struggling to stay awake. After fighting sleep for a few minutes and starting to feel nauseous from it, I ended my mediation early. By time I came out, my daughter was back in my husbands arms and my husband visibly upset. I tried again to take her from him, but she did not want to come to me.
    I know when she gets this way, that she isn't going to sleep well, if at all, and one of us needed to stay up with her. For the first 3 and a half years of her life, it was always me. As she got older, my husband would stay up with her more so I could sleep, but it wasn't often. This last year has been mostly him that has stayed up but that is because my doctor told him I had to be in bed by 1030 because of my adrenal issues. Now, I've gotten better, but they are still an issue that I dont want to stress too far. Given how I was nauseous and dizzy, I decided to lay down for a bit with the intention of getting up and taking over after a few hours.
    I woke up here and there over the course of a few hours because my daughter would go back and forth between sleeping and crying. Then suddenly, I woke up because of chest pain. I tried to sit up but my heart rate was slow and sluggish and it felt as though my blood turned to mud as my heart struggled to pump it through my body. My whole body, from my head to my feet, hurt like crazy. I still tried to sit up because I felt as though I needed to check on my husband. Something didn't feel right, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not get my body to move off the bed without feeling as though I would throw up. I think I passed out shortly after because I dont remember anything else until I woke up a few hours later to see it was 630.
    So when my husband and I were sitting in the parking lot at the doctors office, he made his confession. He almost relapsed last night. He said he had not had that strong of an urge to watch porn in a long time and he almost did it. He fought it off by reciting mantras and remembering the pain he inflicted on me in the past. He said he didn't want to do that to me again, and that was another reason he refrained from relapsing.
    He tells me this, but of course, my brain starts racing. Is he lying to me? Did he peek? Did he go through the motions then stop himself? How far did he get?
    I haven't asked him any of these questions, but they've been there. Part of me wants to know, but the bigger part of me doesn't. He didn't relapse, and that should suffice, right?
     
  13. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry about your daughter. I don't know how old she is, but anytime my children are in pain it's just so hard because there's only so much you can do.

    As for your last question - it's feels as if it would natural to not trust what he said. Natural to question is and feel the need for more information. I don't think it would be wrong to talk a bit more. However, keep in mind, there may not be any information he can give you that would satisfy your curiosity. Would it be his browser history or phone history? If the answer is nothing, the conversation won't help anyone. If the answer is something might, and you can get it, then great. He's going to have urges, assuming he told the truth and he was able to recognize them and beat them back, it's amazing. I know I have urges, especially when the kids are being hard and I just don't want to deal with real life. It's not shocking he did too.
     
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  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    She just turned 6. She is autistic and nonverbal, which makes it even more difficult to get to the bottom of why she isn't feeling well. Her receptive language is huge, but her communication skills.. not so much.

    I did talk to him a bit more about it. She said he was watching sports highlights on his tablet when it happened, but put his tablet away to calm himself. At least that is the way I understood it. He said he didn't search or click on anything or even start the process of doing any of that, so I suppose that was enough information to settle my brain down.
     
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  15. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I was trying to think of a way to word things in the manner I was thinking when I came across this quote. I feel this speaks to what it is I wanted to say.
     

    Attached Files:

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  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Over this last weekend, my husband participated in a 3 day meditation session. It was remote so he was able to do it from our home. He learned a few more techniques that is supposed to help him with retraining his mind. He came to me a few times over the weekend and told me that he was having a difficult time at some points because the instructor was a woman, which was somewhat triggering for him. Another thing that was triggering was when they were talking about the chakras and their locations, certain words were used (which were the anatomically correct words) that led to him being uncomfortable and unstable, mainly because it was a woman saying those words. Otherwise, he seemed to have benefited from it. But with everything in life, nothing is magical and will fix something overnight. He has to continue these practices daily for a certain amount of time in order for them to work completely.

    Since this practice took place over the entire weekend, I did not have my 1 day this week to get anything done with my school work. My instructor sent out the 'to do' list yesterday evening, as per usual, but I was unable to access one of the powerpoints from my tablet last night. I decided to go into the room this morning to get my laptop so I could view the Powerpoint. I opened the bedroom door and my husband immediately switches screens on his computer. I notice he had his ear phones in so I thought maybe he didn't hear me come in and it was a coincidence. He looked over at me and took his ear phones out, and I asked him if he heard me come in, to which he replied, "no, why?" I told him it was because he switched screens right when I walked in, so it was a little weird. He just shrugged. I unplugged my laptop and started to gather all the stuff I needed to take back upstairs, and he asked me what I was doing. Something he never asks or cares about, so I thought it was a bit weird. When he switched screens, the one that was pulled up was this site. He was just sitting there, staring at the forum list while asking me what I was doing. Yea, he was guilty of something and trying to hide it. So I asked him again if he was sure he didn't hear me come in. He sighed and said that he did, so I asked what he was looking at prior to my entry, and he pulled up his google search results for his basketball team. Okay, so why are you hiding that? Why did you lie about it? And also, why did you feel so guilty about doing all of that? He said it was because he knows it is a huge waste of time and he doesn't want to make me mad that he is watching sports.

    For the record, I've never once told him I didn't want him to watch sports. I have never told him that I didn't want him to do things he enjoys, such as playing basketball. What bothers me about it is when these activities interfere with other things that need to get done. If he wants to use 'his time' in the bedroom to watch sports instead of getting his work done, it is his own fault for falling behind or failing the course. He is a grown man and I am not his mommy.

    Him watching sports in the bedroom is now one of those things that interfere with other things. Not because of him watching them, but because of how he reacted to it when I came in the room, by hiding and lying about it. I told him as much. Whenever he lies to me about anything, no matter what it is, no matter how small it may be, my mind automatically starts to create patterns of behavior that led up to it, and will come after it. So him telling me about his trouble with a woman instructor is now a bigger problem than it was yesterday because now there is doubt behind his intentions, whether he continued because he wanted to get better, or because he wanted to see her. The sessions were live, so he could have interacted with her at any point through the program. He even told me about how she interacted with another person in the program, so now the questions start to flood in. He goes on to try and assure me that he did nothing that went against the marriage, and that he understands that lying about that little thing can lead me to start questioning everything about his actions.

    I did not respond with anger to any of this, nor did I feel angry about his actions. The hurt I felt was miniscule and was mostly along the lines of how he can't see how his patterns and lying is only damaging him. He is the one who will suffer from his own actions in the end. It does bring to light how that schema is still only a little lie or action away from being activated, but at least now the emotions don't follow it, which is good for my own healing process. It does still create questions that need answers from him in order to be resolved in my mind, which I had him do when I talked to him about all of this earlier.
    I do hope he continues to learn and grow.
     
  17. What in the world is that -_-
     
  18. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    This was him, trying to rationalize by saying if he dated her he wouldn't like her anymore because that was how he was in the past. That once he got to know her personality, and she became "human" that she would no longer be appealing to him.
     
  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It gets frustrating at times, living with someone who has a selfish mindset.

    I really don't ask for much. Just to be considered at times. For example, when I gave up my only day of the week to do my work for my husband to do his meditation session, not once has he offered me time to make up for it. He tells me he has things to do, things to learn, then I find him watching sports highlights instead.
    I'm literally watching our child and our dogs most of the day every day with barely a break because he claims to have so much to do.
    When we go to the store, each of us (myself, my daughter, and my husband) generally grab something to snack on for the drive home because when we go, it is after our daughters therapy sessions. Every time I will ask him which bag he puts the snacks in so I can grab them, he will dig through them to find his own, and only his own. Today he found his own and tied the bag back up and shut the door like no one else needed anything now that he was taken care of. I was starving since I only had a few handfuls of cashews all day. Never apologized, and showed no remorse.
    I told him earlier this evening that I needed to go upstairs to clean up after our children's pets (they are at their dads now). He decides he needs to watch sports highlights in the bedroom instead, so now I'm going from my child's bedroom to the stairs every few minutes so I can keep an eye on our little child while completing this (she got hurt somehow when I did this last time). When I remind him I needed his help, he just shrugs it off and goes back to whatever he is doing.
    I have a medical condition that causes flares when I am sick. I told him several times again that my body was starting to flare and I was in a lot of pain. He decided it was more important to do his own thing rather than help me.

    If he doesn't want to help me, that's fine. I will adjust and eventually get to the point that him being around is more of a burden. It is already starting to head that way due to his excessive anger, from which, I'm really sick of doing damage control for. I'm tired of hearing him tell me how much he appreciates all I do because there isn't the slightest bit of gratitude behind that statement. He is only glad that I dont yell at him and he can continue his selfish behaviors, even though he builds up stories in his head about how mean and restrictive I am when it comes to him doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. A big catch 22 I suppose.

    I'm sure I will be over this irritation after a few hours or so. I just needed to vent it somewhere.
     
    MountainInMyWay likes this.
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I can relate. My husband was very much this way our entire marriage. I’d say it’s only been the last year, year and a half that he’s done a complete 180. It sounds like your husband is still in addict mode. Or he could just be a really selfish person. He may not be using porn but perhaps has switched his addiction to tech/internet/sports/gaming? I know that when my husband started to really get into recovery, the selfishness became less and less. He started to think of me and the kids all the time. I’m blown away at how considerate my husband is now in comparison. He used to do things like the “ snack” story all the time! I used to sit and wonder how anyone could be so selfish.
     
    hope4healing and MountainInMyWay like this.

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