Thanks, I appreciate all of that. I'll check out the podcast. I have hours upon hours of time to listen this time of year! Yea, my mindset really hasn't changed from what I said about waiting on any marriage counseling etc. I really see no benefit in dragging my wife to marriage counseling postpartum especially when I think she did struggle last time with some Postpartum Depression symptoms. There are so many dimensions to relationship dynamics and how differing personalities affect them. I've spent quite a bit of time focusing on the affects of addiction, thinking about what I have done and how my wife reacts through a BT experience. It's all real, honestly I can't think of a time where I gaslit my wife though. I did do lots of things though like get angry, emotional, and other things. This topic of affect regulation and how we learned to regulate it really is interesting to me. Adam Young ties all of this to attachment style, going through this is tied to my family of origin story I'm starting to brainstorm about, but one thing that seemed pretty apparent was my attachment style was Ambivalent Attachment, sometimes my primary caregiver was there for me, sometimes not, (Middle Child Syndrome) I need to go back through my notes, but one part that really stuck out is that an Ambivalent attached person constantly looks for validation, and "proof" that their loved ones are there for them, I do this all day long. Mostly due to the fact that in childhood the primary caregiver was either there for them or not, and the child never had a good understanding of the "why" behind the presence or absence of the primary caregiver. This creates a sense of "paranoia" for the child. To complicate my marriage more, my wife seems to me to be an avoidant attachment style who is also introverted, and closed off. So I'm constantly looking for affirmation of love, acceptance, and regulation, while my wife is consistently avoiding those exact things. I've always known we had these traits, but realizing this connection between them and it's affect on my P addiction has put a whole new perspective on things. I think I've focused so much on some of the stories of BT, that I've actually ignored this relatively normal difference that is not related to PMO addiction. When you take the differences we have, and add the BT and P addiction on top of it you have a recipe for quite the dumpster fire as you have also said. Combining Ambivalent Attachment, Nice Guy Syndrome, my life experiences, and P addiction together, It's pretty apparent that I learned through my life that the only way for me to feel secure in relationships was to "earn" it, by hook or by crook, I was going to get the feeling I needed. When I feel the absence of security and acceptance, I work hard to attain it, sometimes this comes out in quite terrible ways like getting mad, upset, even tantrums if I don't get it the way I think I should. I think this is why I'm typically a hard worker, I learned early on this was how I was accepted, so when I work hard for example (like on P recovery) and it isn't appreciated the way I expected. I get quite upset. In my past, I dealt with a desire to "prove my doubters wrong" some of those doubters were bullies. PMO was a way to regulate myself in those moments of absence, and was quite effective in the short term as it often was how I could "fantasize" about being accepted intimately. It seems my challenge is dealing with these personal issues and dynamics of my marriage in a different way than I have. I have to learn to heal from my past, and not let my wife's personality styles, and issues affect me in a negative way, for me to remove P addiction from my life. One more thing on Affect Regulation, P actually I think is a HUGE WAY many find regulates their affect, yet at the same time it dysregulates the person. I think this might point to the oddity of lies and messed up views many develop from P addiction.