Marriage on the verge of ending -husband wont make the effort

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LostHopeWife, Jun 10, 2019.

Do I stay and hope for the best?

  1. Stay

  2. Leave

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  1. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    This is my first post and I don't exactly know how it all works but I really need some guidance and dont have anywhere else to go.


    I got married just over two years ago. I knew something was off straight away in terms of intimacy and sex even at our honeymoon. I felt like I always had to initiate and that he wasn't 100% into it. A month into our marriage was when I trusted my instincts and went through my partners phone. I was shocked at what I found - porn, speaking to other ladies online, subscriptions to hooking up websites, the debt he was in, instagram accounts of girls and online pills (energy/focus pills) he was ordering. I confronted him, we had big arguments where he was really sorry and promised to change.

    It was 1 month into our marriage so I had to give him a chance and i believed he was sorry. Time and time again whenever we argued it was me comforting him telling him he is not a bad person and he just needed to change his ways.

    After i found out our sex life got worse. It felt forced, I even found enhancement drugs he had ordered and it made me feel horrible knowing he needed that to be with me.
    It went from a couple of times a week, to once a week, to once a month, down to nothing. We haven’t had sex in 19 months and I've been married for 26 months. It came to the point where every two weeks I'd have break downs and cry and ask him to try and have sex with me or show me any intimacy and work on his issues. Every time he would promise and say haven't i changed..followed by me finding out he's always lying, he's still using porn and has changed nothing.
    What complicates the issue more is that I fell pregnant 3 months into our marriage and we have a beautiful baby boy who turned 1 recently.
    We get along so well, however we live more like room mates in the sense that there's no romance, intimacy, kissing etc.
    I'm not unattractive, i didn't gain much weight during pregnancy and lost it all soon after i gave birth. It was always a new excuse. First it was I'm ashamed you found out so it makes it hard to be intimate, then it was I gained weight so i dont feel comfortable (he gained 25kg since we got married and i never said anything nor do i care), then it was you're pregnant it feels weird..followed by we wouldn't have time, you're looking after the baby and probably tired (which im not). His parents always take our baby to take care of him so we have a lot of nights with just us two at home.

    I'm tired of begging to be wanted. I sent him to the psychologist (a year after he promised he would go, he finally went) and all they spoke about was his work and his other issues with little focus on us and porn.
    He continues to not save money and waste it on online prescription drugs, continues to go on porn with bouts of trying NoFap, barely has energy to spend time with us and shows no affection.
    If i didn't have my son to worry about I probably wouldn't have stuck around for so long.
    I desperately want to make it work but am running out of options. Am i kidding myself by believing that he actually wants to change? Do I stay?
     
    Vitoriosa and Nugget9 like this.
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Nothing will change unless he wants it to and puts in the hard work. There is nothing you can do for him. I'm sorry to say from what you write it doesn't sound like he is ready to get help and get better. He is making excuses, nothing you have done is the reason for his actions. Things will likely get worse, many PA will escalate. Many people suggest going to a dr and having a STD test done. He is an addict and lies, it is better to get yourself checked out than worry about your health.
    If you want to give it one more push you can set up boundaries and consequences. But whatever your consequences are make sure you stick to them, if you don't enforce them it is worse than not having any in place. These are there to protect you, not to punish him. In the end the effort, work and desire has to come from him. You can support him, but this is his addiction and his job to fix. You can't do that for him. Think about how things are now, can you live with that and worse? Do you want your son raised in this? Do you want better? To love and be loved? I'm sorry you have this choice to make, it is hard. You deserve love, attention, intimacy and truth.
     
  3. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    It does not look like he is interested to change. At all. I think you should leave him. Have a good co-parenting relationship with him( because you seem to be friends) let him wallow in his dopamine fueled porn bingers and then you are free to find someone who truly loves and values you.
     
    Vitoriosa, fuzzywaz and LostHopeWife like this.
  4. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thanks so much for your reply.
    I have a follow up question. I really want to make this marriage work but I honestly feel like I've tried everything. He seems to just want me to give him time while he continues to live the same way while putting little effort into recovering.
    My question is what can I try next?
    I hear a lot about boundaries and consequences but i believe I have implemented these in the past but wasn't able to keep my word on the consequences because i felt it would just end our marriage for good. I've said to him time and time again "i give you a month to see changes in you and for you to get intimate with me otherwise I will go to a third person such as parents etc to open up to and get help from". But every time i couldn't go ahead with it because I know that once i go to a third person it’s over, he's going to feel horrible and embarrassed and give up completely on changing. Another was i said multiple times, if you order thosw drugs one more time, it's over..and still this didn't keep him from ordering them and once again i couldn't live up to my promise because i really want to make it work, not only for my kid but because i really want a life with him.

    What do i do now? This time I'm fed up and serious about him needing to change and I'm ready to leave because it doesn't seem like he gives a shit about us.
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    His is this situation affecting your parenting etc... Your child desperately needs an actively engaged and attuned parent..preferably parents, but obviously that’s not possible at this point. If I was in your position, I would gain as much education as possible on sex addiction. Disengage from any conversation with your PA regarding his addiction . Just spend time with your little boy and read, watch videos etc...knowledge is power and the right decision will come to you.
    It maybe in the best interest of the child to leave and go to your parents , and by child I mean your PA.
    Please be good to you, so you can be good to your baby boy. He deserves the very best mommy.
     
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry, it sounds like it is a lost cause. But you know the situation better than I do so maybe there is some hope. For boundaries and consequences do not make consequences that you can not follow through hoping you will not have to do them. If you say do X and I am leaving be prepared to leave. What happens if you tell a kid not to do something or they are grounded and you don't ground them? They will do it and continue to because there are no consequences to their actions. PA are the same, in many ways they are like kids and sometimes you must treat them that way. It sucks, they are adults and should act like it, you shouldn't have to play mommy or babysitter or police them. Everything about this sucks and hurts.
    But you need to figure out what is ok and what is not. What you can live with and what you can not. How do you want to be treated, how do you want your relationship to be. Leaving and divorce should be the last resorts and not be used as empty threats.
     
  7. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    So sorry you're going through this. I would suggest temporary separate and if nothing changes get divorced. I hate divorce but it might be necessary.

    I would say @LostHopeWife should be good to herself for her own sake. Sure it's good to be a good mother but mother's are people too. I'm reminded of a scene from Wives and Daughters where this women says, "I will be good to Molly for her mother's sake". And Molly's Dad responds by saying, "No! You should be good to Molly for her own sake".
     
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    King of bashan....you are correct, however sometimes the emotional pain is TOO MUCH and sometimes a person needs an inspiration to carry on the best they can.
     
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  9. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    Yes, someone needs a inspiration to start recovery and that inspiration might be the man's wife but in some cases it's not. I've heard of some guys who start taking recovery seriously when the wife leaves them. Maybe that's what needs to be done. Either way things need to change.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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  11. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    I feel a little lost and empty right now.

    I set up boundaries and consequences around 12 days ago and we agreed and started following them 10 days ago. I gave him 2 days time to process them because he requested time.
    One of those were to post here daily or atleast every second day. He only posted once so far and that was 4 days ago. The other was that he was to be more intimate with me and nothing has changed.
    Im so deflated because he thinks he's doing so much and changing so much yet he's still not following through on his promises.
    It kills me that I have to beg to him to be intimate with me.

    I feel so worthless and down and upset and I just dont know what to do. Regardless of these i even arranged a surprise birthday dinner for him with his friends and he didn't even acknowledge it, or thank me. After they surprised him, i just said alright guys have fun I'm off, and he just sat with his friends and didnt say bye or anything. And then later on when he was back i kept asking how was it etc hoping he would say yeah thank you it was great so sweet of you to do this, but nothing. Until i said you didn't even say thanks.. then he said oh i was going to thank you when i saw you (i was out at the time), then i got home and again nothing. Until i mentioned it again and he said oh i was going to say it once you put our son to sleep.. and he called me over to give me a hug and say thanks.
    Maybe it's not a big deal but it's still deflating. Given that he really drained it before we got to the dinner saying he didn't want to go out to that particular restaurant etc.

    I'm just so over it. I want to be genuinely wanted by a man.
    I don't want to f*ing remind him he's not following the boundary of intimacy
    It feels stupid to ask someone to be intimatw with you time and time again and get nothing in return.
    Not to forget that my sons been unwell and just cries all day which just adds to my stress.
    I just want it to be over. I want to be a happy family.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  12. Transmute Suffering

    Transmute Suffering Fapstronaut

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    Figure out if he has depression or anxiety, that could be the cause. Could be work related, as well. Go to doctor and get him to take depression/anxiety meds for a few months. Get both of you into a fitness plan.

    Figure out why he married you in the first place. What is the difference of your relationship between you both when you first met, and now, after you're married.

    demanding is also not helping the cause either, if he's suffering from mental illness, as it's an extra heavy weight.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Agreed depression and anxiety can come into play...however there has to be a willingness to seek help and get support. If I knew my PA had a mental illness, I would be able to stand taller, not taking things so personally, be able to help and support etc...
    Dealing with betrayal trauma and trying to be supportive of the person who abused you is a hard position to be in.
    There really is no easy answer ... it just all sucks
     
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  14. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    First of all I don't see you're ready for divorce. You couldn't keep much simpler promises. And he knows it. I think you also don't talk much. Start there. Probablyh heh as also other issues besides porn. And addiction doesn't appear like that something have to cause it. He doesn't want to give it up because it helps him to deal with other problems.
    It's probably not the healthiest advice but I think I just basically became a therapist of my bf, first helping with other issues. And with porn I nearly gave up on him but our situation was different, he had that motivation that he wants to have children with me. And he started to bother more when I made plans for leaving him. Not ending the relationship but going to another city as I moved to him. And I really meant it - was telling him how much will I pay for rent there, what job I expect, what are the living costs.
    He reduced porn, not giving up on it but it was step forward. But he really wanted to have children with me and a happy family so also I 'have to' be happy.
    Something in your story bothers me. You say he gained 25kg after marriage. And clearly after marriage he gave up trying to have sex. You were together before marriage? Or was it arranged marriage? If you were together before and everything was fine than it seems to me that he realised you can't keep promises about leaving him, and especially with kids and kind of used you for the goal of having kids and not carrying about you or himself. And watch out so he just changes for the sake of creating other kid. You should be bothered about 25 kg cause it means he doesn't care about his health and if you will have a healthy husband who can support you. Cause 25 kg means he will get health problems in 10 years.
    My suggestion - move out and share care with kid with him. Don't end it, but watch if he bothers. Or really burn yourself in being therapist. Both ways can help.
     
    LostHopeWife likes this.
  15. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    I'm feeling hopeless right now. I feel as though im waiting for something that will never happen.

    I set boundaries a month ago. One was that he is to post here every day or every second day. Since last month he only posted four times. But he says he's commented on other posts which doesn't count.
    Another was that we have to be intimate at least once a week. Since last month we had sex once which was last week.

    Whenever i bring up that he hasnt followed the boundaries he gets defensive and feels insulted because he thinks he has.

    I feel like im waiting on something that will never happen. I'll never feel wanted or desired. I'll never be able to give my son the sibling he deserves. I feel like I'm wasting time waiting for him to improve.

    I honestly dont know how to get things started between us again. I just feel really sad and overwhelmed.
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yup at times it can be a hopeless situation. For me I had to let go and say screw it. Every time I set a boundary he found a way a round it. Every single time. I ended up thinking..he knows what I want, need and desire, yet he keeps doing the exact opposite! WHY?

    Boundaries are there to keep you safe and secure in your world. Not to control him or make him do something he doesn’t have a vested interest in doing.

    It’s a tough situation, but remember three things...you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. That’s his life journey.

    Your job is to do what is best for you and your child. To make sure your child has at least one healthy, happy sober parent. To enjoy all the simple things in life. Time goes by so fast...enjoy the time you have with your child. Let your husband deal with his issues. If he wants to look at porn, not connect with you..realize it has nothing to do with you. He may have to dig himself a very deep hole before he realizes what he’s doing/not doing?

    Please be good to you, so you can be the best of the best to your child. Your child is completely innocent in all this.
     
  17. No one should go through what you are going through. No one goes into marriage prepared to navigate this craziness and extreme pain. I agree with the above advice about doing what you can to take care of you, and educate yourself about sex addiction, betrayal trauma, and boundaries. Boundaries are hard. I know for me I was shocked when I learned I couldn't just have an adult conversation about this extremely harmful behavior. The logic was, if he understands, surely he will change. It is more complicated than that. This addiction is a beast. Again, you did not cause this, and he needs to choose to be honest and get help. When I stumbled across things, I had no idea what I was dealing with, and the people I reached out to for help (parents, Church, some close friends) did not either. Unfortunately, that meant advise that did not help me be safe, and his addiction (that he did not understand either) ended up escalating. I wish others had pointed me towards these kind of resources and help when I was listening to my intuition early on in marriage. Over time, I lost trust in myself, and felt crazy (manipulation, gas lighting, lies). You can suggest that he sees a CSAT counselor (a counselor trained in sex addiction), but he does need to choose recovery for himself. You are doing great to be reaching out here, and seeking support from many who understand what you are going through. I am sure it is hard to think straight in the thick of it. Keep reaching out, educating yourself, doing self care, and taking care of that precious little boy. There are also some threads on here that have a lot of resources you can look into (books, videos, articles...).
     
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  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Warrior and seeker of truth...where are you now in your journey toward healing? Excellent post above...
     
  19. Little tough to answer. I ended up developing pretty bad PTSD from all of this and a history of complex trauma. I guess it is in stages (pre discovery, Discovery, shock, safety & stabilization, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection). I would say I am mostly in the latter 2, and if there is any kind of slip (even defensive attitudes, for example, I need to lean heavy on tools to stabilize my inner state, and feel safe). The big discovery day was the end of 2016, and I would say I have come a LONG ways since then. Healing isn't a straight linear line (more like and up and down all over the place line that is progressively moving upwards). My husband is also working hard in recovery, and only recently have we been entering into deep relational work while continuing on individual recovery, and raising kids. Oi. Currently, I feel like I am going backwards with an onset of anxiety and depression, but I think in reality I am feeling safer to really work through the deep grief and not just survival mode. When I get triggered, my brain goes into this DANGER DANGER mode, and I have to work really hard to self soothe, and work on turning down the volume. It is has been a long time coming, but my husband is working hard on shame resilience, developing empathy, and holding space for me to feel all my big emotions as I do intense grief work. We are having our second couples counseling appointment in a couple weeks, and I am taking some actions to address the anxiety and depression that I have been in lately. Hope it helps. In the grand scheme, still early recovery, but have also come a long ways with more and more 'good' days.
     
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  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good to hear about the good days coming. You have been through the wringer. It’s so emotionally challenging and overwhelming.
    I’m glad your husband chooses to work through his issues too and to work with you and support your shared goals.
    How do you do it? Why do you stay? What is the driving force to stay? How long have you been married?
    Sorry so many questions...feel free to private message me if need be.
    I’m just so overwhelmed with new disclosures and revelations that I don’t know what to do?
     
    LostHopeWife likes this.

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