Marriage on the verge of ending -husband wont make the effort

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LostHopeWife, Jun 10, 2019.

Do I stay and hope for the best?

  1. Stay

  2. Leave

Multiple votes are allowed.
Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Many days I don't think I'm "doing it" because it has been such a roller-coaster. Some days are really hard and filled with hopelessness, and grief. It is life shattering, and I think for me, I have stayed for several reasons: In the beginning it was about not making any decision until I understood more of what I was dealing with, and got some more safety and emotional stability in place. Then, it was make a list of non negotiable boundaries, safety boundaries, and self care (ask over and over: What do I need? What am I willing to put up with?). I am aware that no matter the path, it is a hard road. I highly value and desire to be a family, and am willingly to do the work and fight for me, and my family. I am rooting for him, and don't want to see him continue to live in such a destructive way. It is hard, but even though the waves come, there continues to be progress. Since, my husband is choosing to work hard in recovery, we have experienced a new level of vulnerability and intimacy, and so there is that. In addition, and this is a big one, my husband is committed to HONESTY, and that is a huge thing in being able to even possibly recover. We have been married for almost 13 years and been through a lot. My goal remains to continue working towards my own healing and being in a better position and mindset that if he does choose to go back to his addiction, I will be more confident that I will be ok. I can continue to grow as a person, and work towards a place of peace where I can accept that the scars will always be there, but I can still have joy and peace in life (serenity prayer is a good reminder).
    I feel for you, and trickling disclosures are awful. Know, that you are not alone, and there is good days. It is a long road, and it is ok that some days are about getting through one moment at a time. Again, you are not alone, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself. We are all trying to make our way in this very broken world, and there is hope.
  2. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

    Hi again...
    So a week or so ago I caught porn sites on his google history.
    I confronted him and he seemed confused. Over long arguments we looked and we saw the porn sites were accessed through his old old phone. A phone he says he has no access to and believes someone must be using it whether stolen or a family member.

    Just before, I got out of the shower and went to the garage next to him. I found him scrolling through girl profiles on
    I lost it of course.
    He first said it was a pop up etc. Then i looked at history and there was nothing. Then i realised he must've accessed it through incognito browser.
    He denied he had an account etc.

    One of my boundaries was that he is to save money and stop spending so much. I asked to look at his bank account to see if he has any subscriptions. And he didnt but instead, i saw heaps of atm transactions of hundreds at a time and TAB gambling transactions of hundreds at a time and hundreds he spent on a game in appstore.

    I told him im moving out with my son until he fixes himself.

    I feel numb.. thoughts?
  3. Not that I am very qualified to give suggestions on this topic, but it seems/feels like you did the right thing by deciding to move out.
  4. Son needs father. If father is a coward, it's bad. Really bad. I'd say leave, but in the same time... It's hard. I guess things happen for a reason and something good will happen within your marriage... I guess.
  5. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    Don’t know much about this situation.
    Just this post.
    But the fact he is on a hook up site is REALLY REALLY F****d up.

    I want you leave very badly.

    It as I said, I don’t know anything about your situation.

    Good Luck.
  6. userSCP

    userSCP Fapstronaut

  7. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Leaving was the right choice.

    The porn was probably him, using his old phone and forgetting to turn on / off the right settings. The was probably not a pop up (the sites that have pop ups are usually the seedy side of the web anyways), and anyone in recovery would look at most for 3 seconds and exit the page.

    The ATM and app store stuff, that could be porn, could be gambling, could be prostitutes or massage parlors too. A good boundary and and good reason to leave, in my opinion.
    fadedfidelity and fuzzywaz like this.
  8. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

    If you told him you are moving out, you MUST follow through. Most addicts won’t seek sobriety until they hit rock bottom. Losing his family and seeing what living without his wife and child in the same house looks like May be that bottom. Or, he may be relieved and never change. You can’t control that. I’ve been doing this for 16 years, six kids together. My husband FINALLY seems to be doing the hard work. That doesn’t mean things can’t go right back to where they were several months or years from now. The last time, I forced him to tell his mother about what he had done. I also told our pastor and trusted individuals within our church. More than him being my husband though, he is my brother in Christ and the thought of his soul being in such jeopardy kills me. I am leaning on the only one that knows and can keep my heart safe. Nothing my husband does at this point can change who I am in Christ. I have such peace in that, and it’s a peace that has only come with time, prayer, and studying God’s word.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    He is lying about the old phone, yada yada. He is deep in the addiction and it doesn't sound like he wants to make a change. Know your worth and follow through on leaving him. He is not emotionally safe for you or your son to be around. You both deserve better :(
    fadedfidelity and hope4healing like this.
  10. Leave him otherwise your child will grow up confused with a coward and an addict as a father, a terrible role model, you can be a fantastic role model by yourself to your child and make sure he never turns out to be like his father, through education and love. He is a addict and he needs to hit rock bottom before he can change or even think about changing for real. Even then it will take him years to overcome his issues and addiction, from what you have described he does sound depressed too, but you have done everything you can to help him, now its his choice. Just don't accept him back too quickly, because an addict can always relapse.
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  11. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone

    Just an update. I've now seperated with husband (PMO addict), and in the process of getting a divorce.

    Since the split I've found out he's been bringing escorts to the house and sleeping with them in our old bed. I'm struggling to understand this. I always did catch messages with girls on his phone offering money for certain actions, but I never thought or had proof that he went ahead with it. I always felt sorry for him and believed he wasn't able to enjoy the real thing due to being addicted to porn and the fact that he was never intimate with me except a few times which felt forced.

    Now I'm struggling to accept the fact that he is able to be with other women.
    Why would someone do this? I know he loves his son and i thought he loved me too, so I cant come to terms with it.

    What could it be? Why would someone choose escorts over their wife? I'm not ugly at all, I've always been open to anything yet here i am divorcing a man that just didnt want me.
  12. Perhaps it was the a PMO/S addicted mind looking for increasingly escalating outlets.

    Respect to you for moving out though, wishing you good luck for a fresh beginning.
    fadedfidelity and Faceplanter like this.
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    They are just “ live porn” he’s not intimate with them. Porn addicts many times suffer from sexual anorexia with their so. It’s because he cared about you, sadly.
  14. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Leave. Do not waste anymore of your life and energy in a person who refuses to change and make efforts to change for himself!! Your son is looking to you to show him how women should be treated and respected. If you stay with the father, your son will be influenced by his habits and see your enabling patterns, then grow to be like him too. Sad but true.
    You can do better without him!
  15. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yes!! I am so, so happy to read this! You are making the BEST decision for YOU and your SON! A smart woman will take the pain of the past and turn it into strength. Bravo, young lady!

    Please be very wise about him pulling games on you and trying to get you back. Addicts are very deceiving and are good liars. Don’t even give him the time of day. Don’t respond. Get a lawyer and proof of his spending. Make sure to protect yourself from his debt.
  16. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

    This has absolutely nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. Paying women for sex is dirty and wrong, and that feeds the addiction because of it. There is nothing dirty and wrong about sex with your wife, which is why the addict loses the desire to do it. When they do have sex with us, they are thinking of other women, not us. That is why the intimacy is not there, even though we desperately need and want it to be. They are not capable of it because they have made themselves intimately anorexic. I have been living this hell for 16 years, and trying to help him get better for the entirety of it, only to find I’ve been duped again. I wish I wasn’t trapped so I could get out. You are the lucky one, move on realizing this is not about your shortcomings. Nobody deserves what this does to us and our families.
    fadedfidelity and Luvspin68 like this.

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