Married 30 year old needs AP

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by talondarkx, Nov 29, 2017.

  1. talondarkx

    talondarkx New Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,
    This will be my second time starting NoFap - I made it two weeks before and was so much happier. I'd like to give it another go with someone who understands the issues of respecting one's partner.
     
  2. MonkeyHeaven

    MonkeyHeaven Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,
    I'll gladly partner up with you. I'm looking to avoid PM completely, and just focus on intimacy with my girlfriend. Let's do this thing together, as I've fallen off the wagon more than a few times recently. This thing is really difficult to maintain.
     
    Newstart_c and ArizonaMaryland like this.
  3. Doitin2017

    Doitin2017 Fapstronaut

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    Being that we have similarities. I will join in on this accountability partnership as well.
     
  4. skap

    skap New Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    I am new to nofap and this is my first day. I am married and 29 years old. I am looking for a partner to stay motivated. I will like to join this AP as well
     
  5. MonkeyHeaven

    MonkeyHeaven Fapstronaut

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    Great, we've got a little group going. I think we should start by discussing our triggers, and how we plan on avoiding them. For me, seeing an attractive woman on the news or TV is enough to make me want to watch porn, if my girlfriend isn't around. It's difficult controlling the urges sometimes.
     
  6. Doitin2017

    Doitin2017 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, but those things are hard to avoid because they are part of our everyday world...Are you actively looking for those attractive women on TV? Because for me, I would start on Instagram, searching for all the beautiful girls on there. This, I know, is a trigger for me. I would soon after crumble. The searches would turn into more sexual posts you could find on Insta, then I would take those searches through Google where I could get nude photos of women, and ultimately back to the porn with my dick in my hand.

    I read a great article the other day that made me rethink what I was doing. Maybe you've read it, but if not, I recommend you guys read it. Here is the link:

    I would also like to say that I have not ever discussed this with anyone before. I am now engaged and have been avoiding this from my fiance since we've been together. I am tired of hiding this. I am tired of it controlling me. I am done...But I know it will be hard.

    If you are looking for benefits straight away, you will get them quick! Not having to hide anymore is a benefit in itself. Self-confidence boost, more time to do something productive, appreciation for women and seeing them as they truly are and not the false personas that the porn industry has made them out to be. I can go on, but I'm sure if you've been working hard to quit this and you've read all about it already.

    I will try to come on here at least once a day to read your posts. Some days will be hard, but let us all stick together and come here first before we make a stupid mistake!!

    WE ARE ALL HERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER, LET'S LET THOSE DAY COUNTERS ADD UP LEADING INTO THE NEW YEAR!!!
     
    Newstart_c likes this.
  7. skap

    skap New Fapstronaut

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    I am a married guy and it started when my wife was not interested in sex. I know she loves me a lot but is afraid of the pain. I started masturbating in showers and later on moved to watching porn. Now I am addicted to it and whenever I am bored or have nothing to do I watch porn and masturbate.
    My wife and I are trying to have sex but I loose erection quickly resulting in nothing. I read some articles online and found that watching excessive porn is the reason for it. I am really frustrated now as my wife wants to have sex with me but I am not able to perform.
    Guys, I need your help to get out of it.
     
  8. MonkeyHeaven

    MonkeyHeaven Fapstronaut

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    I nearly watched some porn this morning, but remembered my commitment and refrained from doing it. You just have to have the willpower.
     
  9. ArizonaMaryland

    ArizonaMaryland Fapstronaut

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    If it’s okay, I’d like to join this partnership. I’m 31, been married for 10 years. Multiple extramarital affairs and porn along the way. First time I stepped out was simply because she was pregnant and having morning sickness so she didn’t want to have sex. For some reason, I often confuse her not desiring sex with not wanting me.
     
  10. LonelyRider

    LonelyRider Fapstronaut

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    I'd like to join in on this too if that's OK. 34, married for 6 years, got a 2 year old and second kid on the way. Been into PMO for a long time. Only recently got discovered, but I'm looking at it as a blessing. I've told my wife I was afraid and ashamed to face this problem head-on, so I concealed it. Not anymore. When she discovered it, I blamed myself, said I'd stop, and I did for about a week and a half. Then I relapsed after a hard couple days at work, and my current streak is about 6 days now. I'm counting it as what's in my signature, because it's easier to track and reference.

    I've had some mild urges over the last several days since I reset, but nothing that I couldn't easily control. At this point, I believe my wife is supportive of my recovery. We even talked last night about our measures to keep talking through all this, that everyday we should rate our individual emotional strength on a 1-10 scale. If either one of us is less than a 5, we won't talk, instead focusing on our own struggles. We're undecided yet on whether to cut out sex entirely, especially since I'm flying across the country to visit her for our daughter's birth in a couple weeks. I don't think either one of us consider it a problem, or a trigger in any way, but we need to discuss it further.

    As for triggers, at least the ones I'm aware of at this point, work stress is a big one. I'm trying to change that, and part of that strategy is leaving this job, starting one where I can keep my feet on the ground, and have a simpler set of responsibilities. I'm just managing way too much here. Now that I know that, I'm going to find ways to more quickly reduce my stress at work, and after working days where I come home and just want to do something "fun". I don't know what that looks like yet, but I also don't have much time in my life with trying to leave a job, move across the country, be ready for a second child, and survive the start of winter in New England. I'll figure something out.

    All I know in all of this is my family deserves the best version of me, and so do I. It's time to make this count for something.
     
  11. @LonelyRider: glad to hear you and your wife are talking .. and your plan for communicating (only when both parties are emotionally strong) sounds wise.

    Baby step progress for sure.

    [ Be sure to put preventitive measures in place now (porn blocking tools). ]
     
  12. Doitin2017

    Doitin2017 Fapstronaut

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    Happy to see the progress of everyone so far. Keep it up! This may be the ultimate tool. Keep checking back regularly to read/write posts when the urges come to remind yourself why you are here.
     
  13. ArizonaMaryland

    ArizonaMaryland Fapstronaut

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    @LonelyRider Awesome job communicating to your wife. Sometimes it can be hard to talk about things that occur, but afterwards it feels good to have that weight off your shoulders.
     
    LonelyRider likes this.
  14. MonkeyHeaven

    MonkeyHeaven Fapstronaut

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    Damn it guys, I felt so horny this evening after getting intimate with my girlfriend last night. I started looking at pictures of naked women, then just watched porn (swearing to myself I wouldn't do anything further), then before I knew it I had my d*ck in my hand and was masturbating. Day counter is back to 0. I'll try a lot harder going into the new year now. If I ever feel horny like that again, I need to do something else to take my mind off it.
     
  15. Horizon1

    Horizon1 Fapstronaut

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    I too am married and back to square one today and would greatly value doing this with others, I can't manage this on my own it seems. Do you guys have a separate group set up elsewhere, or are we just posting on this thread?
     
  16. LonelyRider

    LonelyRider Fapstronaut

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    Guys, if I'm learning anything from this amazing place so far, it's that failure is acceptable, as long as you learn something from it. Now is the time to think very carefully about why you went there, and what you could do differently next time. Learn to understand the trigger or triggers that caused it to happen, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and challenge yourself to prevent the same mistake from happening next time, because you're smarter and more prepared now, right?
     
    ArizonaMaryland likes this.
  17. ArizonaMaryland

    ArizonaMaryland Fapstronaut

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    5 months sober in AA after many years of drinking and the key to the sobriety is that they say keep coming back. It works if you work it. Whenever I’m frustrated, happy, angry, sad, lonely, I go to a meeting. The accountability of like minded people that are being open and honest goes a long way. I went to this site 19 times yesterday. And FAP 0 times yesterday. So I think for me the best thing is to hop on here first. Doesn’t hurt coming here. And if this doesn’t work, I can always quit this. But so far, it’s doing it’s thing so I’ll keep coming back.
     
    Sadgirl and LonelyRider like this.
  18. ArizonaMaryland

    ArizonaMaryland Fapstronaut

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    We post on this thread, at least for now.
     
  19. LonelyRider

    LonelyRider Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday was not a very good day for me. I mean, all's well that ends well, but it was a rough road. I started out the day about a 7 on the scale my wife came up with, where things weren't perfect, but I was staying the course and feeling okay about it all. As the day went on, I started getting images in my head of P I've watched, and it was difficult to get the images out of my head and focus on getting through the day. I did tell my wife about it, made sure she was aware I was having a kind of weak day, and things were still going well because I felt good about sharing it, and keeping her informed. However, at some point in the later part of the day, I thanked her for her love and affection, saying I felt like I didn't quite deserve it, but was happy to still see it. She said, in what she says was a joking manner, "No, you don't. But you're getting it anyway." That was the beginning of the downward spiral. I explained what I was feeling, mostly to get it off my chest and try to move on, but I couldn't move on. I was consumed by negative thoughts all day. Hating everything about myself, wishing I didn't have to put everyone in my life through so much pain and misery. At one point my wife was talking about how smart our son was and all I thought was, "He doesn't get that from me. In fact, the less he gets from me, the better." I couldn't tell her that right away, and when I did she was shocked. By the end of the day, I was at a 6 on the scale of emotional strength, and that was being fairly optimistic. I didn't relapse, I stayed clean through all of it, so I can feel good about that. But this is taking such an emotional and psychological toll on me, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle it. I'm never sure. But I'm suffering through it anyway because I feel like it's my responsibility to myself and my family. How the hell do you focus through the pain you're feeling and the pain you're causing to keep making bigger and better changes?

    Today seems to be a little better. I'm back up to a 7, but my nagging thought in the back of my brain is whether or not I'll ever be good enough for my wife again, and whether this is all just the long road to my losing her anyway. I'm trying my best to focus around that, put my brain on another track, but it's hard not letting that thought consume me, and sabotage my progress in some way. It hasn't at this point, but how do I keep moving forward when everything seems so consumed by darkness?
     

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