Married and New to nofap

Hello, this is my first post. I started looking at porn at a very young age. I think i was like 13 when i started doing it regularly. Im 39 now, married with 2 kids. I used PMO as a coping mechanism for my abandonment issues my whole life.

Ive been married for 17 years. We had a great sex life, but outside of that I let my insecurities erode our relationship. I convinced myself It was ok to fulfill my needs outside of my marriage. I did that for about 5 years, until i could no longer bare the shame and guilt. I was depressed and hated myself. Still do. I came clean about 3 months ago now, and am getting professional help for me and my wife.

Thats what brings me here. I swore off P and M and will only orgasm with my wife. The first month was hard and I really only looked at some thirst trap videos of FB. It did progressively get worse. I went down videos on you tube until I "accidentally" stumbled onto more thirst trap shit. I essentially kept putting myself into harms way to catch a glimps of something. Until I did it like everday for like 5 days.

So I on like day 6 now. Ive been completely open and honest with my wife through this process. That has been very hard, but she is a Saint and Im possibly the luckiest man alive to still have her. I want to make sure I never give up so i can be the husband she deserves. I will spend my life making amends. Im so happy I found a place to come for support. This community has helped me so much already. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

 

Thank you for your advice. Do you care to elaborate? I'm open for any and all advice or lessons learned.

 

Thank you. Identifying it is only the first step I'm learning. Unfortunately, it doesnt just magically go away. It is still very hard even when I can recognize im falling back into the same old patterns. Very hard to break the cycle.

 

Its been feeling easier these last couple days, but today the temptations are back. All the intrusive sexual thoughts. Hopefully they pass soon. I hate feeling this compulsion to give in. Like I dont have a say over what I do.

 

Tonight was really hard. I'm glad I have somewhere to come and talk to other people going through similar issues. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this. Reading posts and commenting on some really got me out of my head. Just feeling Very greatfull at the moment. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

 

Thanks brother