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Married Porn Addicts in Recovery

Married and struggling with sex addiction

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  1. Dec 2, 2021 #1
    JRjr27

    JRjr27 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone.

    I have been looking at the NoFap website and resources for sometime now, trying to figure out if I need help and then make a plan to help myself out. The issue I am having is that I feel my situation is a little unique (maybe not but I am having trouble finding other with a similar experience).

    Anyway, here is my story. I am 32 year old man married to an amazing young lady. We have been married for 4 years and dating for 5. Or marriage is for the most part is great. There aren't any glaring issues as of now and we are very happy. However, one thing that has always been present is my sex addiction. I have been a sex addict ever sense I was maybe 16 or 17 and unfortunately that has continued into my marriage. Oddly enough, I never had sex until I married my wife - she was my first and we waited until or wedding day. So my experience with sex addiction was mainly nude photos, masturbation and porn to a certain degree.

    That brings me to my current situation and why I am struggling to figure out what to do. First, I am not addicted to porn per say. I don't watch porn anymore and I don't typically find it appealing. I do masturbate but it is during dry spells in sexual activity with my wife and I don't masturbate to anything in particular aside from I suppose fantasizing about having sex with my wife. The real problem I seem to have and keep having is that I get really powerful urges to view sexy pictures of women and on occasion nude pictures of women. I often succumb to these urges unfortunately. I really don't understand it. My wife is very attractive, we have a generally good sex life - though we had week long dry spells before. I experience this to a certain degree when I see an attractive woman in person, but I don't obsess over it like with online photos. I have zero desire to cheat on her. I just simply what to look at sexy pictures of women. That's it. I guess I just find the female figure incredibly attractive.

    Anyway, because it's not a porn addiction per say, I am wondering how to go about addressing this? Will the 90-day reboot challenge still be the best option? Is there something I can use to help me stop viewing sexy pics (I can't find the panic button app on Android)? Also, because my wife and I are sexually active and she has been particularly amorous recently, I don't think I can do hard mode. Just PM. Does that sound like it would be enough?

    Lastly, I have talked to my wife about this before. She knows I struggle with sex addiction to a degree and I explained to her that I get urges to view pics. She was surprisingly understanding about it and I think that is why she has made an effort to be more sexually active with me. However, I know for a fact that she would be devastated if she knew I still looked at sexy pics on occasion. I don't want to be the guy that does stuff behind my wife's back. I know I am not cheating but it feels like it is just as bad. Any help you can offer or experiences you can share would be very appreciated.

    Thank you all for your time. Sorry for the very long post.
     
    JRjr27, Dec 2, 2021
    JRjr27, Dec 2, 2021
    #1
    Syphax, Huskerjim and Tannhauser like this.
  2. Dec 3, 2021 #2
    Huskerjim

    Huskerjim Fapstronaut

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    Huskerjim, Dec 3, 2021
    Huskerjim, Dec 3, 2021
    #2
  3. Dec 10, 2021 #3
    Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the post and your vulnerability in sharing your situation. A few thoughts from reading it. First, that is awesome that you have shared your issue with your wife and that she has been understanding. You are fortunate there. Consider being totally honest with her. If there is a secret or something you're hiding either it will come out at some point and then she will feel betrayed and lose trust, or it will eat at you inside and your behavior will change in some way and often in a way that you are not consciously aware of, but she'll know something is off. And you can't sex your way out of this. As much as her increased amorousness and frequency of sex helps with your connection and dopamine release in the short term, it sounds like something is still nagging at you. Porn is a solution - a solution to something, some need that you have and you turn to porn or soft-core to assuage that need. If you can dig down deep and try to figure out what that is and heal that, then porn won't be the solution anymore. We feel like we are cheating when we do this, because we are. If it wasn't cheating we would be upfront and honest with our spouse. And to them, it feels the same as if we did cheat with another person; loss of trust, feelings of betrayal, questioning themselves like "aren't I good enough" or "if only I was more sexy or appealing he wouldn't do this," etc. Not a place you want her to go in her head and emotions.

    I do applaud you for recognizing this is an issue for you now and wanting to address it. Unfortunately, it took me and many other married guys in here much longer in our marriage and life to get to that point, and the damage it caused was horrific. You can try various techniques to distract your mind from the urges, e.g. exercise, meditation/prayer, journaling, keep a picture of her as the background on your phone/computer or whatever device you're using to access material, books and podcasts (e.g. Porn Free Radio www.recoveredman.com), get an accountability partner, etc. You could consider counseling to help you get at the underlying issue, and if you do, encourage you to find someone with experience with sex issues or addiction. What I have found most helpful are connection with others, whether that is a NoFap weekly group or SAA group like I have joined, or whether it is a trusted friend or some other accountability partner. The key there is to be able to voice your issue to another human being, even better if it is someone who has struggled with the same or similar issue, and to be accountable with their help and support. This issue of porn and masturbation was developed in isolation and secrecy and it is key that you bring honesty and connection into the struggle so you can overcome it. And you can, and will. Best wishes in your battle with this and for the life of integrity and marriage and family life that you desire.
     
    Robindale, Dec 10, 2021
    Robindale, Dec 10, 2021
    #3
    Syphax, Being Locked and Huskerjim like this.

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