Married for 9 Months - Don't Want this to Ruin It

Tips to quit..... tell your wife, single most important step I think you can take. Get into counseling with a csat. Get into sa or saa groups. Find accountability partner. Put blockers on your devices, not forever, but at least the first 90 days. No sex at all during 90 day “ reboot”. No sex, no porn, no fantasy. Been with my husband 33 years. I knew on the honeymoon something was wrong. I wish he had been honest. He too thought getting married would make him stop. Your relationship has already been effected, you just can’t see the many ways how.

 

There is a group on here for married men in recovery. I suggest joining that.

 

Find a therapist with sex addiction awareness. If you can’t tell your wife yet you need to have a regular check in with somebody who can offer support and tools to work with. Do it now, like start looking today. Set a deadline for telling your wife. It’s going to be the most important thing you do in your marriage, start owning your issues so you both can get through this not just you.

 

I met with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and a Marriage and Family Therapist. Worse things I ever did. Not saying you can't find a good one, but you have to be careful. Best thing I ever did was work with a coach trained in sex addiction.

Definitely tell her. Most wives report that the lying is more hurtful than the behavior. The longer you don't tell, the longer she will come to understand you were living a lie and the more painful it will be. She deserves to know, tell her. But... seek some great advice first. If you disclose it the wrong way it could make things worse.

Don't give up. You can do it. Use all the resources you can.

 

May I ask why the csat did not work for you? I get why the marriage therapist didn’t, they usually cause more harm than good with this particular addiction. But the csat should’ve had extensive training that would help you. Also, some csats are just better than others, I had one that just didn’t click/get it ( he was inexperienced and young)but the one I’ve had this past year is awesome.

 

I actually worked with a really renowned CSAT out of my state. I flew back and forth to meet with him. All he did was convince me that the trauma I had from childhood was the catalyst for my issues. He gave me new excuses and better justifications than I had previously. He convinced me that the resentment I carried for my spouse was a result of my relationship with my mother. He certainly did not help me take ownership for my thoughts, words, and actions. I started working with a "coach" and found what I needed. My life has never been better. My relationship with my wife during the period I met with the CSAT was the worst it ever was. If I had continued to meet with him and buy into his program I would certainly be divorced by now. Not saying every CSAT will do that, we just have to be careful. Just because a man has a title doesn't mean he actually knows how to help.

 

Absolutely agree with you. I’ve seen 2 csats, one I love and one made things worse, lol. I think it’s probably true of all professions, some know what they are doing and done don’t but they hold the same title!