Married for 9 Months - Don't Want this to Ruin It

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DisciplineYourMind, Aug 30, 2020.

  1. DisciplineYourMind

    DisciplineYourMind Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure this story will be familiar to many of you here ...

    First saw porn at 14-ish. Became addicted (MO at least once a day, PMO a few times a week). Struggle with relationships throughout teens and early adulthood.

    I was previously on a great streak, during which time I met my now wife. I PMOed on and off, though much more rarely during dating and then engagement. That all began 3 years ago.

    Now that I'm married, my worst fear as come true. Despite having regular sex, it still isn't "enough", and my default temptation is to go to PMO.

    Unfortunately, this is compounded by some fetishes that I know 100% my wife will not engage in. I don't even want to still have them. They're likely just porn induced fetishes that won't go away. So even after sex, I'll get the urge to look at porn related to this and then MO.

    There have been a couple of times where during the day I've PMOed, and then that night my wife has been "in the mood" but I just couldn't do it. (On one occasion it actually ended up being good because I could still get it up and lasted for ages because I just couldn't orgasm. So my wife liked that, but I think that's unlikely to happen again, and what it more likely is that I'll just get ED if this keeps up.)

    But anyway, I can see the dark path I am heading down. If this keeps up, eventually this will effect my marriage. I've noticed my moods change after PMO, and my wife has asked me if something is wrong, or asked why I look tired/unwell. I just can't tell her. I need to at least give a serious shot at fighting this before that anyway.

    Give me some tips that you guys that are married or in a long-term relationship have used to fight off porn addiction. So many young guys think that getting a long term sex partner will cure their addiction. It really won't. I was one of them, and I thought it might too. Unfortunately I now know just how wrong I was.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Tips to quit..... tell your wife, single most important step I think you can take. Get into counseling with a csat. Get into sa or saa groups. Find accountability partner. Put blockers on your devices, not forever, but at least the first 90 days. No sex at all during 90 day “ reboot”. No sex, no porn, no fantasy. Been with my husband 33 years. I knew on the honeymoon something was wrong. I wish he had been honest. He too thought getting married would make him stop. Your relationship has already been effected, you just can’t see the many ways how.
     
  3. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    There is a group on here for married men in recovery. I suggest joining that.
     
  4. Find a therapist with sex addiction awareness. If you can’t tell your wife yet you need to have a regular check in with somebody who can offer support and tools to work with. Do it now, like start looking today. Set a deadline for telling your wife. It’s going to be the most important thing you do in your marriage, start owning your issues so you both can get through this not just you.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  5. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    I met with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and a Marriage and Family Therapist. Worse things I ever did. Not saying you can't find a good one, but you have to be careful. Best thing I ever did was work with a coach trained in sex addiction.

    Definitely tell her. Most wives report that the lying is more hurtful than the behavior. The longer you don't tell, the longer she will come to understand you were living a lie and the more painful it will be. She deserves to know, tell her. But... seek some great advice first. If you disclose it the wrong way it could make things worse.

    Don't give up. You can do it. Use all the resources you can.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    May I ask why the csat did not work for you? I get why the marriage therapist didn’t, they usually cause more harm than good with this particular addiction. But the csat should’ve had extensive training that would help you. Also, some csats are just better than others, I had one that just didn’t click/get it ( he was inexperienced and young)but the one I’ve had this past year is awesome.
     
  7. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    I actually worked with a really renowned CSAT out of my state. I flew back and forth to meet with him. All he did was convince me that the trauma I had from childhood was the catalyst for my issues. He gave me new excuses and better justifications than I had previously. He convinced me that the resentment I carried for my spouse was a result of my relationship with my mother. He certainly did not help me take ownership for my thoughts, words, and actions. I started working with a "coach" and found what I needed. My life has never been better. My relationship with my wife during the period I met with the CSAT was the worst it ever was. If I had continued to meet with him and buy into his program I would certainly be divorced by now. Not saying every CSAT will do that, we just have to be careful. Just because a man has a title doesn't mean he actually knows how to help.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely agree with you. I’ve seen 2 csats, one I love and one made things worse, lol. I think it’s probably true of all professions, some know what they are doing and done don’t but they hold the same title!
     

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