Hi everyone . I have just turned 30 . I got married last December ‘18 and the journey hasn’t been so pleasant . My apologies if the post is long , but since last year, life has been hell mostly . My last post here was a month before my wedding and it was about my lack of sexual attraction towards my wife which I thought was due to excessive porn use and was hoping for it to improve after marriage. I also had some issue with her being a little overweight , but It wasn’t so much and I believed we could work that out together when we motivate each other for staying healthy and fit . I was just blindly in love ,everything about her seemed positive , we got along great that we didn’t give too much light to the sex part , thinking it would get better . I also mentioned in my last post that all attempts at intercourse were failed before marriage. Many people here advised me not to get married , but i went ahead and did it anyway knowing about the problem. It’s just that the date for the wedding was set and both our families’ attention was completely on making the wedding happen , that we had no time to resolve our issues. We only saw the positives in each other and went ahead and just got married thinking we will be perfect together. Let me also say that she knew about my past porn addiction. We also went to a psychiatrist few days before the wedding ,told him about my PIED and was prescribed some medication too to help with sexual desire. I stopped watching P and followed the course for 3 months , and I did see some physical changes . I could be erect for a long time , but mentally I was still struggling with the real desire to please my wife . We did have a lot of sex in the honeymoon but it felt like I was a mechanical machine and I was able to please her after the meds take effect, but still I felt unsatisfied as I couldn’t orgasm .Sometimes when I actually had an O, I had to think of porn stars or porn scenes while doing it. It was only in the first 2 months that I felt high sexual attraction and desire for my wife , with or without the meds. As time has passed , sex has been very occasional, just once in 2 months and even in that time , I haven’t O’d once. There is a huge mismatch in our sex drives . Many times she has initiated , and I have turned her down giving some excuse and I was still watching porn behind her back. Also, whenever we have had it , I have only been comfortable with 69 position and my pumping has been very slow . When she has come on top of me , my erection has died as I don’t like that position much and her weight is a bit much for me sometimes. I also haven’t given up on Porn and I can still MO whenever i watch it , and this seems to be my only source of sexual release. Also, about fitness and weight , I try to make conscious efforts to control my diet and weight whenever it feels like my eating habits get out of control. But After marriage , She has made no serious efforts to control her weight and eating habits. She doesn’t join the gym , only says she’ll walk or jog but never gets to it. People have also started to take notice and have indirectly mocked her about her weight,even her family members . She says the gain is a hormonal problem and she was using some meds which caused it. I have always been supportive towards her for taking her to a doctor or fitness, but how much can I be when she doesn’t take any initiative. I still feel I would really be more attracted to her If she loses weight, as she did used to look quite attractive when I first met her. We also have been arguing and having many misunderstandings and fights related to general issues even other than sex. It has started to feel like we are completely opposite people and don’t share much common interests too. She’s not a bad person and tries to do everything what a good wife does like taking care of the house, make food for me etc . but she’s also very moody . When she gets upset , she would shout at me, pin point my mistakes and other times she would be really innocent and act like a little kid and tries to sort things between us. I have started to feel more unhappy when I’m alone or even with her at times. I think a lot of our issues , the marriage seems too much for me to handle and it feels like I wasn’t ready for all this or to get married to anyone. I underestimated myself and thought I could never get a woman like my wife , and got married as I was afraid to lose her or be alone for life. I regret a lot now being married. I see many single friends of mine taking time to get married , and they are really happy. Let me also say that a couple of months ago, I got a little drunk and slept with a prostitute on a business trip . I did feel sick, empty and guilty after doing it , but it was only once and haven’t slept with anyone other than my wife since. A very strange thing is that when I got back home after the trip , our sex life improved only for a brief amount of time , but things kept going downhill from there. I just don’t understand myself anymore .My personality has become very confusing and bitter. I don’t know what I’m doing staying married with so many issues between us . I feel like I don’t deserve her or anyone .She was the only woman I had ever dated and that led straight to marriage . I was completely in love with her before the marriage. I don’t know where all that went. Now it feels we are only living with each other out of attachment, We have been used to seeing each other everyday, so its just affection keeping us together , even if we don’t have a satisfying sex life together. I find it very hard seeing a future when all this is going on .My father is the only one who is still financially supporting us . I can’t afford to support me and my wife on my own yet . What comes next here ? Kids ? ...... I just don't understand how any future is possible when we are going through these many problems on our own .