Married Hard Mode - 60+ days, Round 2

Had a long talk with my wife tonight. Basically, we had sex last night. She felt a little bad about it last night, but felt much worse about it today (possible internal boundary violation). She's still struggling with the safety aspect of our relationship which is completely understandable after all the damage that's been done to trust, intimacy, etc. Even though she was physically into it, the emotional side wasn't ready for that.

We tentatively agreed to a 60+ day hard mode. Most of the guidelines are pretty intuitive. Non-sexual touching is generally OK. I did request that she discuss this with her therapist (who is a CSAT) to get their perspective and I will do the same. From our conversation, she needs time and space to consider boundaries and goals. This is the next phase of our journey together.

Wishing you all peace in your recoveries.

 

Alright it's been a very long time since I posted here. Still alive, still progressing in recovery. I have a therapeutic disclosure which is scheduled for early next month. I'm working to finalize that document and my wife and I are creating individual self-care plans to handle the day of and day or two afterward which we'll likely be apart for. This will be a difficult process and will bring fresh pain for both of us. The disclosure will provide a foundation of truth on which I hope trust may begin to grow. It's hard to say what will happen afterward. Part of recovery is committing to the process and letting go of any particular outcome.

The last couple of months have generally been good - I've been able to be more present, more empathetic, made it through a visit with the in-laws in good condition, survived a couple COVID scares with the kids, navigated my wife leaving her job due to poor treatment. To make it through that without relapse and relying on human connections to meet many of my needs has been a blessing and has provided many opportunities for growth. It gives me the courage to enter the next phase without becoming fixated on what the conclusion will be.

I still have many areas to work on: empathy, self-compassion, rigorous honesty, facing the grief and loss without losing hope. All of these things take time and concerted effort. I will get better at them.

I am a man that can change. I have value that is not tied to my performance. I can meet my deepest needs through human connections and am gratified in doing so.

Discomfort is less of a feeling and more of a condition. It is the feeling of being stretched and pulled beyond your former limits. It is the experience of growth.

 

Alright back on here posting again. I masturbated this evening in the shower even though I had the tools to avoid doing so. No porn or anything, but still a bottom line behavior for me. I reset my counter.

I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like it wasn't worth it for like 2 minutes of enjoyment. Dr. Rob Weiss talks about their treatment programs and says something like "Sure, you can continue to act out, but we're going to ruin acting out for you. You can still act out but you're going to understand all the consequences beforehand."

It's Day 0 for my wife too, so it's hard to tell how she'll take it over time. There is definitely a part of me that wants to minimize (and even congratulate myself) by saying "Well it was only masturbation and I haven't done that in 6 months!" But what does she care about that from her perspective? I said I wasn't going to do something and then I went and did it anyway. My (potentially naive) hope is that it won't be ground zero for trust, but it might be. A part of me actually sees immediate disclosure as a win, but that's the same part that feels the camaraderie of accountability groups. I would guess that doesn't mean much from the spouse's viewpoint.

Something I worry about from her the most is the silence. She says there is apathy sometimes and I believe her. Obviously I can't control how she feels or reacts, I can only control myself.

There is this "Life Competency" my therapist has for the completion of one of Carnes's 30 Tasks - it's "Manages life without dysfunctional sexual behavior". I guess I don't really know how to define that. Like I don't know what the finish line is there. Is it when sexual behavior is no longer a go-to coping mechanism? Is it when I have the urge to masturbate and think "Boy, I'm really having a tough time and need to increase my support?" I'm not sure how to achieve that one.

Well it's getting late. Lots more thinking to do. One day at a time.