Married looking for newbie partner

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by ado, May 6, 2015.

  1. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Day 16
    Keep going guys
    I did a workout today after having not been to the gym for a week or so. I'm telling you I feel great and I think celibacy makes you stronger physically too. I watched an immense video on another forum here about the secret of all religions, an esoteric video called the garden of Eden- I'll post a link and suggest you watch it. Very eye opening. Your sexual energy is needed to build your soul!! A very interesting theory and something that seems to be making sense to me
     
  2. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Have to be honest today isn't that great. Haven't been getting much sleep, I'm feeling sluggish and depressed. I've just contemplated looking up P like 5 times in the last hour. I know after all this time it would be a bit exciting but actually it wil just make everything a million times worse. Blah
     
  3. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Don't do it!!

    Keep going buddy
     
  4. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    I'm done with pmo. I shall be spending time researching celibacy and how to stay focused on the path. Everytime I stay celibate for a couple of weeks , train and focus on my inner self I feel strong connected and centred. Now when I either drink or have sex I lose that feeling. It fucks me up! I take a backward step. It's like my energy depletes and shrinks into my body. Wtf??

    How can you live like this??!!!! I've got to start looking into qi gung or tantra or something man.
    It's like all the good things in life pull you back down!!
     
  5. lowinthesky

    lowinthesky Fapstronaut

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    Day 4: feeling more and alive but I feel this little rage or monster in me aka my addiction to getting off superficially aka my cock that just wants to rub one out. It's nice though to have this vital/sexual feeling back although it's only been a few days. I feel more active and alive. At what point does it feel like you don't need to bust a crazy ass nut? Or does that never go away? How have you gone 13 years without PMO, especially O? Dude that's a long time. Don't you just want to explode?

    On another note, how do I set it up so that there are no e-mail notifications? Don't want to get e-mails from NOFap.
     
  6. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Lowinsky,
    Change your email address to a disposable one. Try mailinator.com.
    Sorry my post was unclear, I haven't gone 13 years without PMO! I gave it up 13 years ago, but hadn't overcome it. I was celibate for 9 years of that then I got married. I've been PMO FREE for 83 days now.
    As far as the feelings it depends on a number of factors. I would say getting over the first 15 days is the most difficult probably for most. But there is more to it than just time. 15 days of hanging by a thread would probably mean day 16 would be as difficult.
    Take each "urge" as an opportunity to recondition your mind. Associate that urge with anything else other than PMO - pray, do jumping jacks, sing, take a shower, sit still and don't move until it's gone. What we typically do is let the urge stick around until we are fapping ourselves blue and that only strengthens our minds association between urges and PMO.
    A new thing this time around is that I didn't let my urges lead to sex either, all urges were denied any kind of reward. I became like a trained dog: urge->nope!
    Notice what you said and remember it - you feel more alive! Remember that next time you doubt if nofap is a good idea!
     
  7. lowinthesky

    lowinthesky Fapstronaut

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    Hey Ado,

    Thank you for the tip. Seems to work great as it's an e-mail address that really doesn't have any importance and automatically deletes e-mails after a short time.

    Now I understand what you mean. You had the intention of giving it up and from time to time you relapsed. Going celibate for nine years is quite a long time though! Congratulations! I can't say exactly what my goals are. I'm married as well and I think there's a fine line between the extremes. One can be completely addicted to that dopamine rush, always searching for the best person, the best pose, the best sound or whatever it may be... but in the end, it's all about the search actually and not the orgasm itself. After watching some videos and actually thinking about it myself, it's pretty unbelievable to think about 17 years of conditioning, trying to find the perfect moment/person/sound/situation to orgasm to... and to think about all of the time and energy that was put into it and how it resulted in an imbalance in our brains. Searching for our desires becomes an addiction which really is our addiction to feeling good, to feeling this dopamine rush. I wonder if it could be likened at all to the after effects of taking certain drugs such as ecstacy and how people feel incredibly depressed after tripping hard. I've heard from many first hand accounts and also experienced myself feeling depressed or feeling as my sensory experience in the world after PMO had been diminished, as if I were really not as alive as I could be.

    There was a time when I was really alive, those were the times when I wasn't as heavily engaged or dependent on the addiction of PMO. I actually remember being happy not too long ago yet it feels like it's been ages. I think that dealing with our problems in this honest and direct way can bring us back to that point in life where we perceived so curiously and openly, like a child, when we would see everything as if it were for the first time. That's what I want back again, this curiosity and blossoming nature of life. Of course it takes more then not PMO'ing but also having a really healthy and balanced life. I remember meditation being incredibly important to getting back to that place.

    I appreciate your advice pertaining to using each urge as an opportunity. How often did we fall prey to those urges which just solidified our addiction even more? Seeing urges as an opportunity to grow and associate it with new feelings and behaviors is incredibly important. I think I will O at some point, but only because I'm not so sure that giving it all up is the solution. Then again maybe you can give me some other facts or personal experience that may prove otherwise.

    Have a great day and good luck on your journey always!
     
    ado likes this.
  8. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    I would recommend not abstaining with your wife. It's a healthy and critical part of marriage. However, you can treat each encounter differently - you can avoid initiating during an urge for example and only initiate at times you don't feel the urge (seems VERY counterintuitive but don't worry for us it doesn't take long to get in the mood anyway). I lot of times I would have an urge, my wife wouldn't be available, then I'd use that as an excuse for PMO. Or id have an urge, have S but it would be very selfish feeling and actually lead to more PMO. basically a lose/lose situation. Instead I tried to find times when she would be "up for it" and initiate more on a goal of meeting a marital "requirement" (Or maybe better words would be meeting her needs). I know it sounds horribly unromantic, but I had to swing that far for a few weeks in order to get rid of the urge conditioning. Eventually the urges became less and I could let S happen more naturally.
    I liked what you posted above. I think good news is the brain part of PMO is easier to retrain than most drugs. The bad part is that spiritually it's much more damaging. It's a good start to get over the brain association thing though, with that it's just so easy to relapse.
     
    lowinthesky likes this.
  9. lowinthesky

    lowinthesky Fapstronaut

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    Day 6: Feeling better and better with each day. What you talked about does seem rather unromantic, but in order to get rid of this brain association with these urges that we have, we have to tame ourselves to some degree. I haven't talked to my wife about my past patterns and behaviors and don't intend to. On that note, I do want her to feel loved, attractive and sexually rejuvenated. I guess only I can know how often I can be available sexually. How did you find that happy medium? Does your wife understand what you're going through? Have you opened up about all of your challenges? Or are you just not having sex as much as you used to but showing her love in other ways in your marriage?

    What I find to be of utmost importance is to gradually and developmentally see the light at the end of the tunnel, instead of tricking yourself into believing that you're saved or that you're suddenly incredibly happy. I'm going to connect this to other aspects of life just because I feel that it's pertinent. In the past, I used to really believe that I could attract or draw into my life what it was that I needed. Over the past couple of years, I've lost this sense of wonder, awe and magic. This could be good or bad. I've become more realistic, which isn't terrible, but then you mix that with addiction and darkness, you become cynical and negative. Just like tricking yourself into being happy, you've got to fake it before you make it type of mentality and smiling at everyone you see on the street, you have to be honest with your progress and with your state of being. I feel better today then I did six days ago. But does that mean I feel lucky or that I'm some effervescent bright and abundant light? No it doesn't. We have to reach for the stars gradually. I think that with recovery and just living, trying to attain happiness, we have to take the steps necessary to really embody or exude happiness. Gratitude has helped me, whether it be the sun shining on my back or a cute dog walking by sniffing my feet as I write away or having a delicious breakfast with my wife. I think we try to hit home runs right away but it just doesn't work that way.

    So yes, this is my sixth day and I'm doing pretty well, but I don't want to push happiness down my or anyone else's throats. I want to be magical again, but I'll know when I'm there. I'm not so sure that we can will it into our existence after years of dependency, addiction and unhealthy chemical reactions shooting off in our depraved minds, which crushed the spirituality right out of us.

    I wish you Ado and everyone else a wonderful day and much strength! Be well.
     
  10. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Really good thoughts. What are you referring to as "feeling magical"? You're right we can tend to overestimate or underestimate our situation. It is a long climb. Day 6 feels much better than day 0, and day 12 better than 6, and 25 better than 12 and so on. But you do have bad days along the way.
    I haven't talked to the wife either, it would only upset her a lot. She prefers to be in the dark about certain things. Some people find it useful to talk to their spouse though, God bless em. I do wish I could be more living in other areas, can't say I'm a romantic at all though. I guess I gave the impression I'm having less sex, but that's actually not the case. If I have an urge I will deny it and it will pretty much go away in a few minutes. That means the same day (or even next hour) I could be good to go. You will see urges increase the longer you've gone without sex, that's a decent reason to have regular sex in and of itself (even the bible teaches that). It's just to be careful not to condition your body to urge->stimulation.
    I think overall the sex in this manner is more satisfying for both of us. I can't speak for her cause I haven't asked if its been better in the last 90 days vs before that. Also I think it's not black and white some aspects are more intimate and "present." Maybe she doesn't notice any difference but I do. I think we both by and large are satisfied with the frequency.
    One thing though I should mention is I started getting trouble "finishing". I suppose it could be other factors but no doubt a day of PMO binging leaves you with less stamina. I've had some isolated cases in last 3 months but much less common.
     
    lowinthesky likes this.
  11. lowinthesky

    lowinthesky Fapstronaut

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    Hey Ado,

    What I mean by feeling magical is when you feel really in control of your life and that you can draw/attract goodness into your life. It's when you feel really aligned with your experience, surroundings and environment. I remember feeling very lucky and happy. With that came magic, or at least that's how I felt, I felt magical. Do you follow me?

    I also have chosen not to speak about it. I'm equal to the challenge in front of me and actually don't think that I would be doing anyone favors by talking about it.

    You make a really good point about not falling prey to the whole urge/stimulation possibility. Are you religious by the way? Do you read the Bible? Do you find that this foundation helps you?

    When did you have trouble finishing? When you were PMO binging?

    Day 7: I feel on top of this problem. I'm taking it a day at a time and I feel very empowered. Exactly as you said, I go ahead and do things if I feel like the silence brings me to my addiction.

    I wish you and everyone else a great day!
     
  12. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    I never had a problem with stamina until last few times I PMOd (80+ days ago). Even with a few days off of PMO I was having problems for the first time in my life. It was weird because it felt out of the blue. I was fine at the start but then the body just shut down. During my last 80 days it happened I think once or twice. Wow but last night was the exact opposite. I think one of he best sex in the last few years regarding intimacy. I was completely in to it. I think before during PMO because there was a stronger connection between PMO and arousal my body kind of carried the shame a bit into my sexual experience. Not that I felt the shame but my mind kind of didn't let me fully enjoy it. Don't know if that makes sense. THERE IS LITERALLY NO BENEFIT TO PMO ITS RIDICULOUS.
     
  13. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    I do get what you're saying. I was not raised religious but I had two parents that raised me with good morals. However, after wondering what the whole point of my life when I was 19 I gave up my life to God. I would say I'm still not religious at all, if you define religion as a cultural thing or as a "make me a better person" kind of thing. I just am basically following after God, becoming his disciple. I had an encounter with him the day I gave up my life and been taking it from there. I do read the bible, have read it many many times, but actually never heard it before I was 19. I'm 32 now. Have you ever read it? I guess better yet - have you ever met with God?
    How's day 8 going? Must feel great compared to day 0!
     
  14. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Day 22!! I'm back!!
     
  15. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Just another week or so and it's another month
     
  16. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Day 23!!! Closer day by day
     
  17. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Day 89 - the idea of looking at P still crosses my mind even 89 days later. Yesterday I watched hours of Netflix hoping there would be nudity. ): I still have a long way to go. One day away though from my 90 day goal. I'm in a much better place than I was.
     
  18. Jay8019

    Jay8019 Fapstronaut

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    Day27!!
    Keep going guys well done
     
  19. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Day 92 - on to my next goal of 120 days!
     
  20. ado

    ado Fapstronaut

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    Lowinthesky, where did you go?
     

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