Married: Rebooting, PIED, DE, and SSA journey

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Keeping it in my Calvins, Sep 3, 2020.

  1. My story is not unlike many here. With hopes that this will help another Fapstronaut, here are the details, and my journey so far. (This post may contain various triggers. While it is not my intention what so ever be a trigger, some details have been included to provide context.

    I began masturbating at a very young age. My earliest memories go back as far as seven years old when I discovered a vibrating back-massager at my grandmothers house. My curious little boy brain tested this device on various body parts, and it didn't take long until I rubbed it on my crotch. This led to the discovery of my penis and the amazing feelings that are associated.

    I mention this story, because I do believe it played some sort of roll in my pleasure addicted journey. I feel like that was such a young age. I was orgasming daily, on and off, well before puberty or the ability to ejaculate. Some how even at that young age, I knew that it was wrong, and that no one could find out. This led to my first feelings of guilt, hiding, and shame.

    About four years later, pornography was introduced to me. Eleven years old now. I don't even remember how it was acquired except that it was online, and unfortunately for me, the first genre of pornography that I saw, was gay porn. I didn't think at that age, that I was gay, but I was drawn deeply into it and very curious. I showed it to a friend of mine. When his reaction was filled with disdain, I knew then that my feelings were different, and I was different.

    I loved girls, but was so guilt ridden-ly drawn to curiosities of the same sex.
    I can remember a time in the 4th grade, my hand grazed against the hand of a girl that I liked as we walked side by side, and it gave me a raging hard on. I knew this was normal and good, but when I masturbated, even at that young age, I imaged myself with the vagina, and the girl with the penis. Where in the world did this come from? I may never know.

    I struggled for the next decade and a half with shame and guilt regarding my sexuality.
    I blame most (but not all) of my confusion, on discovering masturbation and porn at such a young age. When boys should just be boys, I was PMO.

    Fast forward - Knowing that I wanted to marry a woman and have a family some day, I chose to nurture that side of my sexuality. However, the other desires still persisted. I gave into them and experimented in numerous ways over the years.

    Two years ago, I met a wonderful young woman. Absolutely wonderful. I knew that I had to get a hold on my issue and decide once and for all to cast away this demon. I wanted to marry her. I restricted myself to "straight" porn only, as a way to fuel my desire for the opposite sex, but found myself focused primarily on the male in the scene. I didn't know if I could ever be fully released from this part of me that I so inexorably hated.

    As time went on, and our dating relationship continued to flourish, I asked her to marry me. Praise the Lord, she said yes.

    We committed ourselves to absitnance throughout our period of dating and engagement. Having never had sex with a female, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to perform on our wedding night. I didn't know what I could expect of my body. I felt that my addiction to porn had ruined my ability to actually admire and lust after a real woman. I had successfully MO'd while thinking of her several times which I thought was a good sign. I knew that I loved her so much, and that I wanted to desire her sexually, but wether or not I truly could, I had not discovered yet. Would waiting until we were married to find out that I'm not able to have sex with a woman be a huge mistake and let down? YES. I had tremendous fear of being unable to consummate our marriage.
    -Long story short, we were successful, on our wedding night. Much to my relief. I finally felt like, okay, I can be normal.

    Today we have been married just over a year, and have a mostly successful and enjoyable sex life, but the grip of PMO has not departed me. I still struggle off and on with PMO and SSA.

    I want to rid myself of the grip that it has on me and take control of myself, for her, and for our sex life. Porn has without a doubt ruined or at the very least, greatly skewed my perceptions for sex and the ability to just be in the moment with her. I have experienced PIED and DE on various occasions. The worst is when she asks me for sex, and I have already depleted myself during the day to PMO. What a waste. I have to try, and likely fail due to DE and PIED, or tell her "Maybe tomorrow.".

    My goal with nofap is zero PM. Soft mode, I guess it's called. To only achieve O during sex with my wife. I want to be more than ready and able when she asks for sex. And to be drawn to her in a completely new, natural way.

    Today marks seven successful days since PM. I feel great so far. I know things will become difficult at times in the future, but I appreciate and respect the transparency that this group offers. To know that we are not alone is a huge motivator.

    I know that this has been a long read if you have read this far, and if so, I appreciate your time, welcome all comments and suggestions, and wish the best for all of you.

    I plan to keep various updates to follow. Until then, God bless.
     
    The Real Man, GeeJ, zoksh99 and 10 others like this.
  2. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story! One day at a time! :) I appreciate your share!
     
  3. Blaze21

    Blaze21 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story! I believe that you will commit and be a better husband. I relate to your story because I have also experienced PIED during sex and I don't want it to happen again, I felt very bad with myself and 20 days into this NoFap journey I saw results! I was able to keep hard for a second time during sex, I haven't been able to do that for over a year. If you feel good with yourself you will start to be a better husband and perform better.

    One day at a time brother!
     
    Robbiebob likes this.
  4. Thank you!
     
  5. Thank you for the encouragement. 9 days today and I feel better and more confident. Thanks for the encouragement!
     
    Blaze21 likes this.
  6. Today has been good, as was the rest of yesterday. Urges are definitely stronger, over all, but still very manageable. I can feel the fullness. Part of it is nice, and alpha feeling, the other part just makes me want to PMO really bad. But I can handle it.
    I'm sure I know the answer to this, but this space gives me a safe place to ask. Is erotic reading okay? or no? I'd be happy to hear thoughts. I know that it will lead me to want to M, but it's not blatantly visual P. o_O
     
    zoksh99 and Blaze21 like this.
  7. I should also mention that its that time for my SO, so no sex for a few days, which would really be helpful. Hopefully soon, though.
     
  8. Blaze21

    Blaze21 Fapstronaut

    I don't really think that erotic reading could be a relapse, I have read books in my NoFap days and sometimes they lead to sexual content but I don't think of is as porn...
     
  9. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I think the erotic reading really depends on the level of reading, I personally would consider erotica relapse. For one, people who aren't turned on as much visually (many women) read it as a replacement for porn, the goal being to get turned on by using fantasy. I used it for awhile but I would use it because the storylines in porn weren't good enough for me. Since then I've found porn that is more storyline driven... -_- The problem is fantasy and wanting to escape reality whether in porn or erotica. This is something I've realized. I don't want to fantasize about potential sexual encounters that could happen. I don't want to fantasize about conversations. I want to have them. I don't want to predict the future. I want to experience the future.

    Keep it up brother. Love that you're on this journey with us!
     
  10. Well said, and thank you!
     
  11. Today has been a little tough. Started the day keeping busy with chores outside at home while my wife worked from home inside. After that, went to the gym and had a great lift.

    We haven’t had sex in 6 days due to her cycle but I am really craving an O. She suggested maybe tonight but we’ll see if she ends up too tired after our evening activities.

    Going to the gym and seeing myself naked, showering and changing clothes really is a challenge for me to stay clean in the mind due to my auto sexual tendencies. Still taking cold showers, and that helps. But just seeing my D makes me want to MO really bad because it’s been a while. I will stay strong to my commitment to only O with my wife, regardless.

    Did slip a little on Instagram earlier which I know hasn’t helped, but nothing major. Gonna have to guard myself a little more on there. Or retire it entirely.
     
    dandausa likes this.
  12. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    One thought in regards to showering/seeing yourself naked/changing clothes. I've started to have a little more self compassion. If my body gets aroused, that's okay. It's part of the process. Your body just gets aroused at certain things, and rather than judging it for that just accept that it's turned on. That's what your body does. I think I'm somewhat experiencing what people refer to as urge surfing. It's where the urges come but you just sit and observe them. I was with a friend paddle boarding and I started to get aroused, the first thought was become ashamed of my arousal. But I just embraced it. Not wanting to have sex. Not wanting to hide. But just okay with this is where I am right now and then about a minute later the arousal left and I enjoyed the rest of the day without all the self hatred that I typically would have in a situation like that.

    Same with showering, fantasy thoughts start to come or water hits just right, urges start to come. Oh, you're aroused right now. Rather than responding with, oh now I really need to masturbate I just had some self compassion for my body. It's okay that you're aroused right now. Why are you aroused right now? It's okay, I love you. You don't need sex to be loved, and slowly the urges fade and the body comes back. But instead of feeling angry at myself afterwards, it's like my body and I have a better understanding of each other at the end.
     
  13. I think this is really important to point out and I appreciate all of the points that you made, very much.
    I think the most difficult thing for me is breaking the cycle between being around and masturbating. Because in the past, if I were aroused, I’d simply proceed to rub one out. There was typically no “reason” not too, at least not that I was aware. But since practicing nofap, I have a good reason not to and it’s just very new for me.
    Another struggle is the reasons behind my arousal. I feel that the auto sexual and SSA arousals are not “normal” and that leads me to feel some associated guilt or shame. I definitely have no remorse when I’m aroused by my wife, and we tend to take advantage of that.
    I will definitely try to find more compassion towards myself, but I struggle with finding the line between having compassion for my arousal, and nurturing the arousal.
    Definitely gave me some good points to think about @dandausa and I appreciate it.
     
    dandausa and Robbiebob like this.
  14. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I really like this video in relation to self compassion. It may help with finding self compassion vs nurturing arousal.



    It's kind of long but it was helpful for me.

    "We can't hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love."
     
  15. Tonight was tough. I am away for work and in a hotel room alone which is a trigger for me at times. I took an ice cold shower and was all set for bedtime when I noticed how absolutely dead I felt down there. I made the mistake of caressing myself some to test the sensation. It was HARD to quit. I don’t recommend it. I was able to gain control over myself thankfully. In the future, I’ll know what a worm hole that can open up.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  16. Back home from a work trip. The urges seem to be building consistently and I'm not sure why. Today I anticipate, will be difficult, as I have free time and plenty of privacy while my wife is away at work. 15 days today with no PM and 8 days no O with wife. Unfortunately she is not feeling well, and it will likely be a while longer before she is feeling up to it.
    My goal for today: Stay off of Instagram, and avoid looking at myself in mirrors. That seems to be my biggest trigger as of late. The goal is attainable as long as I desire it. But the desire is fading. "One time won't hurt" and other rationalizations are filling my head. I have to persevere.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  17. JamesTheSquirrel

    JamesTheSquirrel Fapstronaut


    You are doing well @Keeping it in my Calvins and doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy and staying off of Instagram.

    A good thing to focus on when you are feeling sexual urges is that you want intimacy with your wife rather than just an O. If you need to keep yourself busy you could think about something nice you could do for her, especially as she's feeling unwell right now.

    Remember that there is no "one last time". I've made that mistake so many times it never ends well. Stay strong and keep on going!
     
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I seriously am impressed by your wisdom and advice you give for as young as you are! You have a great understanding of this addiction and ways to fight it. Keep it up!
     
  19. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    Here is a mindset shift you can work on. This isn't meant to be an attack, just a shift that I think could be beneficial.

    On the last post you made it sound like there is some correlation between wanting to view pornography or masturbate and how long it has been since you have been intimate with your spouse. The fact that is has been over a week since you have been intimate means it is going to be harder to resist the temptation to act out. I challenge that belief system (I maybe be reading too much into what you were saying and if so I apologize if this doesn't resonate with you). Sexual intimacy between you and your partner have nothing to do with urges to act out. The source for the 2 are completely different.

    Intimacy with Spouse
    1. Selfless- it's about giving, not taking
    2. Unity
    3. Emotional connection
    4. Building trust
    5. Respecting your spouse's body and your own body

    PMO
    1. Selfish- it's about taking, not giving
    2. Alone
    3. Kills emotional connection
    4. A close friend to lying, manipulating, gas lighting
    5. Abusing your own body

    This is a really subtle form of justification: "I haven't had an orgasm so I deserve a release". Ultimately, that is about entitlement.

    But let's shift that around for a minute. Isn't our spouse entitled to have a partner who is faithful? (we made that promise after all). Isn't our wife entitled to know the truth before entering into a sexual experience with us? Isn't our wife entitled to feel safe knowing her partner is being honest about everything?

    I have felt entitled to certain things my whole life. Sex, food, money, etc. Yet I deny the things that my wife is truly entitled to.

    Way to go on acknowledging that "one time won't hurt" is wrong thinking. Even that thinking is selfish. Will one time hurt your spouse? It would hurt mine terribly. When we have these thoughts like, "one time wont hurt", its not enough to dismiss them. They must be reframed. The truth must be told. "One time will hurt. It will hurt me. It will hurt my spouse. Here are the reasons why it will hurt...". Dismissing the thought without reframing is illustrated well in the following story:

    I fed a stray dog for 10 years. One day I decided I didn't want to feed him any more. So he came for his handout and I didn't feed him.

    Will the dog just stop coming? No way. He will keep coming. When he gets desperate he may even attack. He will still find food in your garbage. He may eventually die from starvation but until he does he learned for 10 years that you will feed him, he will not unlearn that quickly.

    When we decide we want to stop feeding the stray dog we must transform him. We make him our pet. We love and nurture him and allow him to grow old with us. We have to reframe, not ignore. We don't now accept the stray as he is, he bath him and get him a collar and take him to the vet. We make him a new creature. We can do the same with out thoughts. Sorry, I didn't intend for this to be a novel.
     

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