My story is not unlike many here. With hopes that this will help another Fapstronaut, here are the details, and my journey so far. (This post may contain various triggers. While it is not my intention what so ever be a trigger, some details have been included to provide context. I began masturbating at a very young age. My earliest memories go back as far as seven years old when I discovered a vibrating back-massager at my grandmothers house. My curious little boy brain tested this device on various body parts, and it didn't take long until I rubbed it on my crotch. This led to the discovery of my penis and the amazing feelings that are associated. I mention this story, because I do believe it played some sort of roll in my pleasure addicted journey. I feel like that was such a young age. I was orgasming daily, on and off, well before puberty or the ability to ejaculate. Some how even at that young age, I knew that it was wrong, and that no one could find out. This led to my first feelings of guilt, hiding, and shame. About four years later, pornography was introduced to me. Eleven years old now. I don't even remember how it was acquired except that it was online, and unfortunately for me, the first genre of pornography that I saw, was gay porn. I didn't think at that age, that I was gay, but I was drawn deeply into it and very curious. I showed it to a friend of mine. When his reaction was filled with disdain, I knew then that my feelings were different, and I was different. I loved girls, but was so guilt ridden-ly drawn to curiosities of the same sex. I can remember a time in the 4th grade, my hand grazed against the hand of a girl that I liked as we walked side by side, and it gave me a raging hard on. I knew this was normal and good, but when I masturbated, even at that young age, I imaged myself with the vagina, and the girl with the penis. Where in the world did this come from? I may never know. I struggled for the next decade and a half with shame and guilt regarding my sexuality. I blame most (but not all) of my confusion, on discovering masturbation and porn at such a young age. When boys should just be boys, I was PMO. Fast forward - Knowing that I wanted to marry a woman and have a family some day, I chose to nurture that side of my sexuality. However, the other desires still persisted. I gave into them and experimented in numerous ways over the years. Two years ago, I met a wonderful young woman. Absolutely wonderful. I knew that I had to get a hold on my issue and decide once and for all to cast away this demon. I wanted to marry her. I restricted myself to "straight" porn only, as a way to fuel my desire for the opposite sex, but found myself focused primarily on the male in the scene. I didn't know if I could ever be fully released from this part of me that I so inexorably hated. As time went on, and our dating relationship continued to flourish, I asked her to marry me. Praise the Lord, she said yes. We committed ourselves to absitnance throughout our period of dating and engagement. Having never had sex with a female, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to perform on our wedding night. I didn't know what I could expect of my body. I felt that my addiction to porn had ruined my ability to actually admire and lust after a real woman. I had successfully MO'd while thinking of her several times which I thought was a good sign. I knew that I loved her so much, and that I wanted to desire her sexually, but wether or not I truly could, I had not discovered yet. Would waiting until we were married to find out that I'm not able to have sex with a woman be a huge mistake and let down? YES. I had tremendous fear of being unable to consummate our marriage. -Long story short, we were successful, on our wedding night. Much to my relief. I finally felt like, okay, I can be normal. Today we have been married just over a year, and have a mostly successful and enjoyable sex life, but the grip of PMO has not departed me. I still struggle off and on with PMO and SSA. I want to rid myself of the grip that it has on me and take control of myself, for her, and for our sex life. Porn has without a doubt ruined or at the very least, greatly skewed my perceptions for sex and the ability to just be in the moment with her. I have experienced PIED and DE on various occasions. The worst is when she asks me for sex, and I have already depleted myself during the day to PMO. What a waste. I have to try, and likely fail due to DE and PIED, or tell her "Maybe tomorrow.". My goal with nofap is zero PM. Soft mode, I guess it's called. To only achieve O during sex with my wife. I want to be more than ready and able when she asks for sex. And to be drawn to her in a completely new, natural way. Today marks seven successful days since PM. I feel great so far. I know things will become difficult at times in the future, but I appreciate and respect the transparency that this group offers. To know that we are not alone is a huge motivator. I know that this has been a long read if you have read this far, and if so, I appreciate your time, welcome all comments and suggestions, and wish the best for all of you. I plan to keep various updates to follow. Until then, God bless.