Married: Rebooting, PIED, DE, and SSA journey

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Keeping it in my Calvins, Sep 3, 2020.

  1. Justaway

    Justaway New Fapstronaut

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    @Keeping it in my Calvins , I was just browsing the forum, but decided to create this account just to say to you that I relate in several points to your story, and what you achieved was great.

    For quite some time now I tried quitting porn and masturbation, before and after my current relationship, but never got a streak longer than 15 days.
    Even so I still have the mentality that "I am not addicted", "I only use it to release some stress", "I can stay as long as I want without it" (when I actually just change my relief system to another bad habit for a small time)...

    I still need to actually get a healthy routine, for my body and mind, to actually try accheving what you accomplished. Additionally, probably that suits specially my case, I need to find some help to stop feeling down and find out what I want to do about my life, what I want to achive and how to get there.

    I hope that you are feeling well, that you get on a big streak of no PM soon and that you keep sharing .

    Best regards.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2020
  2. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I've had 24 relapses in the past year and a couple months. I'm just now starting to see longer streaks. It's just really difficult. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. :) From my personal observations this is a journey with lots of failure but improvement comes with time and learning from each relapse. Rather than beating myself up about relapses I'm trying to change one thing based on that relapse. I finished a seven pillars study and that's a strategy that I learned from their course. I don't actually fill out the form even though it probably would help me to do it. This is what it looks like -- https://puredesire.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/crash-site-analysis-1.pdf
     
  3. @Justaway Thank you for the kind words. I'm proud of you for taking these first steps. Though they may seem small, they are in the right direction.
    I can relate. I have told myself that surely I am not "addicted" to PM. Right? I can stop if I want to. And I believe that to be true. My problem here lately, is that the "want to" has diminished.
    I am having to admit that I am in fact addicted in some way or another. I always thought that addiction meant that I just couldn't resist, had to have it, like an obsessive compulsion. When in fact, I think my addiction is hiding itself in the form of no longer desiring abstinence.
    The truth is, I do desire abstinence from PM and I do desire the benefits that will come with that. However, in weak moments, I convince myself that what I am about to do is normal and healthy in moderation, and I then decide, consciously, to give in.
    I am still learning myself and how to navigate these waters.
     
    Justaway likes this.
  4. Thanks @dandausa! These are some VERY good questions to ask oneself. Great content. Thanks for sharing.
     
  5. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    One thing that really helped me was reading this in full several times: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...fetishes-a-complete-guide-for-freedom.283059/

    I especially recommend Section 3 .. shed a lot of light for me. It sounds like you often arrive very quickly at the "rationalization stage," which is really hard to beat. The article says: "Rationalization is maybe the trickiest part of an urge ... You'll need a lot of willpower if you want to win a debate against it. And this is why you shouldn't even take that risk, just go and do something to distract your mind before rationalization has a chance to trick you."

    The key is to stop the urge before it gets to rationalization. It's hard to do but I think we can all learn to do it.

    I've promised myself that if I notice myself rationalizing, I'm going to take a cold shower immediately. I used to scoff a bit at cold showers but then I experienced the magic ... it literally wiped away my urges, and let me take control before I get to rationalization again.

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
  6. Today has been good. Really lazy and sleepy today but I’ve decided to enjoy it instead of fight it. I didn’t even go to the gym today. Straight up skipped it.
    It feels like it’s been a while but I guess I’m only at around two days or so.
    I have had to catch myself on Instagram. That has proven to be my greatest trigger. A lot of the workout/fitness pages that find me, have content that is quite tempting. Things are great between my wife and I. She is just lovely. We are attending a wedding tonight. It will be so nice to see her all dressed up. And nice to have something to do on a Saturday evening. hope you guys are all having a good weekend.
     
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  7. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    @Keeping it in my Calvins Having read through your forums I see that I have had the same battles that you are having with the desire to quit versus the rationalization. Excerpt:
    It was like I was reading my mind logs (haha).

    Those battles may be hanging around for quite a bit (although, in retrospect, I didn't fully commit to avoiding my triggers). In any case, the side that you arm the most will win. I repeat, the side that you arm the most will win.

    More power to you!
     
  8. I completely agree! “The side you arm with the most, will win!” Great advice!
     
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  9. Ditto Calvin's, around middle school somehow I was introduced to gay porn and have basically replicated everything your talking about. Not sure what SSA is though. I am now on about day 5 of no P and day 1 of no M. I find your story inspiring and join you in your battle !
     
  10. I’m glad to be an inspiration and happy to hear that your are suiting up. SSA stands for same sex attraction.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  11. OnlywithHim

    OnlywithHim New Fapstronaut

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    @Keeping it in my Calvins, I've just read your story and bro, I relate with so much of what you said. You can get more detail of my story on my page but basically I've wrestled with SSA and porn my entire life, am also married and learning how to struggle well and live faithfully before God and my wife. It's been a long and difficult road, and currently I'm right smack dab in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death.
    He is faithful - do not give up. Your standing in Him can not be changed if you're in Christ, your righteousness is not dictated by a number. Please keep posting here - let's encourage one another. Grateful for your story.
     
  12. Haven’t updated in a while. Work has been really busy and has meant a lot of time away from home and away from my wife. The one night I was hone last week, I was so exhausted I didn’t feel sexual at all. My job requires a lot of time away from home. I’m not a fan of it but it comes with the work.
    My wife struggles at times being alone at home without me despite her positive attitude. Sometimes she has nightmares when I am away. In the past, they have stemmed from the pain of my pmo and ssa addictions that have hurt her so badly. Last night she said that she had another nightmare but didn’t want to say what it was about. This leads me to assume, sometimes unfairly.
    The truth is I am doing really well lately with the struggles. I have found my eyes wandering at times but being busy with work keeps me distracted and other times too tired to bother with P or M. I guess this is a good thing. I miss my wife and I hate being away from her for extended periods of time. It has me pondering what is really most important in life. Successful career and income, or building my life at home. Unfortunately right now, the possibility of having both, seems far too distant.
    Anywho, things over all are well, I am ready to get back home and have a few days off hopefully and reconnect with my wife. Hope all you guys and gals are crushing your goals.
    -Calvin
     
  13. Here’s an honest SSA moment that is troubling me.
    I’m watching an NFL game on tv tonight. I’m not necessarily a football fan, but I stopped on it while flipping channels, and it caught my attention. I can’t help but find my eyes wandering towards the obvious bulges that are on display in these grown men’s tight football pants. I don’t mean to be explicit, but I don’t know how else to say it.
    I don’t find myself arroused or anything, but intrigued, yes.
    I realize that a popular opinion many will have while reading this is that “I’m gay.”.
    While I openly admit to struggling with same sex attraction, I don’t and never have identified as gay, because it’s not something that I want for my life. Some also might say then that I am living in denial. I disagree, and I’ll save that discussion for another post.
    So with those things said, can anyone honestly answer these questions...

    Is it normal for me to look?
    Do other guys notice the things that I notice, regardless of sexual preferences?
    Or am I completely encompassed in a group understood only by homosexuals?
    Where does this stem from?

    I try hard to live above reproach so that I am not tempted with these things that could lead to P or P subs or anything like that. I just wonder if I am alone in this and what to do about it. I can turn the tv off, yes, but I am more curious as to the roots of this strange curiosity, if that’s the right thing to call it.

    I hope this hasn’t been a ramble, and I truly am looking for honest feedback. If something’s on your midnight after this far, say it. Surely I can’t be the only one, but what is going on here???
     
  14. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I notice from time to time. I think that's just how life is, for me I compare my muscles to others, penis, height, weight etc. If people are showing off their penis by wearing tights over it I'm going to notice it. It's funny for me I don't beat myself up over noticing another guy's penis but I used to beat myself up for noticing girls in yoga pants yet at the same time, if they have a curve, it's going to be noticeable. I think it's just easy to notice what other people are showing off. People sometimes dress in a way that makes you check them out because they are emphasizing certain parts of their body like running tights on a guy or a really low cut top on a female, etc. There's a female user on here who posted that while she's not a PA she also notices if women have larger breasts or their butts are well toned, etc.
     
  15. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Hey Calvin,

    I'd say that taking an interest in other men's bulges doesn't rank very highly on the "sexual desire spectrum" : aversion → disinclination → indifference → interest → need → passion (Levine, 2003). (Sexual desire being defined as "a motivational state and an interest in sexual objects or activities, or as a wish, need, or drive to seek out sexual objects or to engage in sexual activities”) (Regan and Atkins, 2006).

    You're probably somewhere between indifferent and interested. I would bet a fair number of men are around there at some point in their lives. If you felt "need" or "passion" for men's bulges, you'd probably be in more limited company.

    Have you considered filling out the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (or some variation)? It's amazing to me how some people have NO idea about sexual orientation but don't hesitate to say "Dude, you're gay and in denial."

    On the question of what it stems from and what to do about it ... it sounds like this is involuntary but unwanted for you. What would you do about any physiological/psychological reaction that is involuntary and unwanted?

    For me, I don't think much about what it stems from -- it's almost always a combination of biology, life experience, development, psychological state, social situation, etc. The question I think about is: Should I try to control it or just let it come and go? Sometimes, trying to control an involuntary reaction intensifies it. It's like feeding a stray dog that ends up coming back for more and more. So one approach is to just take it in stride. Be chill, let it come, let it go, and focus your energy on doing what you value and what really matters to you in life.

    Stay strong,
    L.L.91
     
  16. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    I think it's natural to look and even feel attraction or desire. I wouldn't say it makes you gay.

    I am occasionally attracted to and aroused by men though it's not frequent and I'm usually horny.

    But ultimately I love women--their bodies, their faces, everything about them. Sexually, they never fail to turn me on.

    So rather than feel anxiety about it, acknowledge it and carry on.
     
  17. Doing well lately. Finally have a few days off and have enjoyed spending time with my wife at home. We’ve had sex once and last night she gave me a HJ. I am hoping this doesn’t count as masturbation as it involves hands. Just not my hands.
    The chaser effect got to me this afternoon and I ended up touching myself lightly. I had a very strong erection which was encouraging, but thankfully managed to take old of my brain and gather myself back to my senses. I am glad that I did not give in. Looking forward to making more progress.
    -Calvin
     
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  18. lunarlanding91

    lunarlanding91 Fapstronaut

    Congratulations!!
     
  19. Congrats on this milestone brother! How's the new year treating you?
     
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