Masturbating makes me hate myself

TW // self-harm, depression

Every time I masturbate I feel like crap, I feel like I don't deserve my boyfriend's love, like I should hurt myself because I'm just terrible. It reminds me of when I was really depressed a couple years ago, masturbating and watching porn every day, not looking forward to the next day at all. And it just feels horrible. I don't masturbate frequently any more and barely watch any porn, but when I do masturbate it's for at least an hour. I feel terrible the whole while, but it feels so good and I feel so bad that I don't stop. After I stop, I feel terrible and get intrusive thoughts. I get so frustrated that I fell again, that I did it for so long, and in my mind it goes straight to harming myself. I guess they're such strong feelings that remind my brain of my depression and it brings out the old habit of cutting. I haven't harmed myself in months and don't think I will, but just makes me feel like a horrible person.

I just want some consolation that I'm not alone. It feels terrible but not more than I can handle. I last days and weeks without masturbating, so I know I can do it, but whenever I do my morale just crashes and burns for a couple hours or even a couple days.