Masturbation is easy, hardly can finish during sex.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Geoffwaaah, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. Geoffwaaah

    Geoffwaaah Fapstronaut

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    Hi.

    So I've been cutting down my porn usage (and masturbation) for quite some time, keep on having relapses but controlling it usually for 2 months and then I binge and get disgusted/ashamed by myself.

    Nowadays I try to finish myself off more mentally and not so much with porn.
    I feel less guilt.


    BUT my real problem lies during sex! I rarely can reach an orgasm / ejaculate.

    And I honestly don't really know why, because when I masturbate I tend to finish within the first 30 sec up to 3 min...

    I believe that because I find it difficult to connect myself emotionally during the act of sex. Thanks to porn, I see it more as a physical act (fucking). Also, my mind is going nuts, like I keep on thinking about I have to cum or I'm nearly cumming or my mind drifts off on trying to satisfy my girl the best I can while going hard and imagining I'm shooting porn...

    Another possibility might be because I masturbate quite furiously, strong grip and super fast type of masturbation, and that my penis because of this lost some of his sensory nerve endings... there is no way that a vagina could give that type of tightness...

    So after she cums, I usually finish myself off. (sometimes it takes a hell of a long time, making both of us feel awkward)


    I'm just so done with this!!

    I want to feel my partner. be tender and caring.

    But I rarely can finish. unrealistic expectations because of porn.



    So here I am.

    Trying to find somebody who can relate / give advice on how to feel more down there, as it's usually girls who have a hard time finding their orgasm.


    Thanks for any help/tips
     
    Watchtower likes this.
  2. Evig Faith

    Evig Faith Fapstronaut

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    How long has this been happening? In my experience, PMO gets people attached to their hands or to other masturbatory tools, and it takes time for the emotions to straighten themselves out. Also, just try to be in the moment and don't question your ability during sex. It just may take time.
     
    MLMVSS likes this.
  3. MLMVSS

    MLMVSS Fapstronaut

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    At first, I did a lot of foreplay, but then eventually I was emotionally attached and I had no issues.
     
  4. Geoffwaaah

    Geoffwaaah Fapstronaut

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    Since my first sexual encounter, so about 9 years... :/

    Maybe as a teenager, I was afraid of finish to quickly, but I quickly ended up on the other spectrum of the game.

    I'm just really going to take this nofap thing seriously and connect to myself!
     
  5. DutchSwimmer

    DutchSwimmer New Fapstronaut

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    Hello Geoffwaaah,

    I am currently having the same problem. I have only finished once with my first girlfriend. Have also lost al sense in the penis and can almost get no enjoyment in intercourse. I could not even finnish myself in the precense of a woman. Does your girlfriend know about this and have you talked about your porn fantasies? Cause maybe it can help if she understands you? Also you could try not having sex with the goal to ejaculate, but just easely rediscover each others bodies and start touching each other gently. I hope she will support you in this that is already a lot of help I think!
     
  6. Watchtower

    Watchtower Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the site. Like you theorized, you might be experiencing the Death Grip. Nothing that can't be fixed by a long reboot!
     
  7. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve posted many times on this from an SOs point of view so I would like to offer you my advice. First I think you are spot on about what is happening and why but I’m not so sure you are ready to make the difficult changes necessary to fix it or that you realize how severely this effects your relationship now and will effect all others in the future if you don’t get it fixed.

    I was engaged to a pmo addict who had death grip and after trying to work with him to fix it for years I finally had to leave him. Our sex life sounds like yours. No matter what I did he could not O from me. So he would satisfy me then have to finish himself off with his eyes closed thinking about porn in order to O. If I spoke or moved he would snap at me. I could and did get up and leave the room many times and he did not notice. His O had nothing to do with me. While prior to this I never had an issue with a partner masturbating once in awhile to finish themselves but after so long of this being the only way for him to O it started to make me physically ill and disgusted. It was not attractive or enjoyable at all for me. For awhile I dealt with it and said nothing which I suspect your partner may be doing but eventually I could not. All the while he continued to “slip up” and tell himself he was cutting down so that was okay and lying to me. There was also no intimate connection during sex he would not kiss me or make eye contact. Eventually he cut back enough ( I thought he stopped) that he was able to O from my hand and mouth but never from sex. Basically he went from using porn as a masturbatory tool to using me.

    Most women want to have what they deem is a normal sex life right or wrong. A normal sex life to most means both parties enjoy intercourse and that a man is able to O inside a woman. Sure many women can’t O from intercourse alone but nature has us believe a man ejaculating in a vagina is how things should go. In my case it was not just that my partner could not O from sex it was also that he felt nothing and so did not enjoy it. Most people don’t want to have sex with someone who does not enjoy it. And most people want to be able to pleasure their partner. Overtime DE kills a woman’s self esteem making her feel unattractive to her partner and bad in her. Men with DE have extreme issues with maintaining relationships for this reason.

    So what can you do? First you need to cut out masturbation entirely. Porn that too but also masturbation. Let your partner be the only source of orgasm. Only touch yourself to clean or use the restroom. You have to tell your partner what you are dealing with or your relationship has no chance be honest. Then during sex after she’s satisfied if you don’t see an orgasm for yourself stop and try again another day. Do not use your hand on yourself at all during sex. That makes the problem 100 times worse because you are reinforcing old pathways and because in your mind you always have that out. What I mean is if you tell yourself you can always use your hand if you can’t O then you always will cause it’s easier.

    Get a porn blocker on every device, get an accountability partner. If social media or the internet causes you to fantasize stay off it. You have to change your mindset. This will not get better if you don’t stop and there is no simple fix it takes hard painful work. But it will kill your relationships all of them if you don’t fix it. Do 90 days at first then evaluate. It may take a lot longer to truly recover though. Don’t get frustrated and fall back into your old ways if you don’t see immediate changes. Every time you slip up you delay your progress. Be patient with yourself. Good luck!
     
    Seasurfer47, WNGjr17 and Geoffwaaah like this.
  9. Geoffwaaah

    Geoffwaaah Fapstronaut

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    WOW! Thanks so much guys! For the first time ever, I've read about the term Death Grip.
    Had no idea about it, or that other guys had the same issue as me. But yes, since I was little I've only used this technique to do M.

    Pleased many girls, because I could get going, but frustrated myself when I stuck around for longer with them and eventually the girls aswell.

    Firstly I'm sorry to hear about you having to terminate your relationship because of this.

    But the way you've just described your sex relation made me shiver, as it's exactly how all of my relationships go... during or after the intercourse you try to focus on your partner, but in reality, you're scrolling in your mind through some porn lists. Quite sad and egocentric actually.
    If I wouldnt O, then I would try to speed things up by doing M.
    YOU gave me golden advice here. NOT to do M after intercourse. As I wasn't clear if that counted as NoFap, but it's obvious it's totally reinforcing old pathways and shutting of sensory nerves.

    BUT I've made a decision, this Death Grip approach is not gonna be part of me anymore...

    I've been hunting for answers on the internet and with friends but never found any knowledge/sites where I could relate to guys having issues to O during intercourse (usually the reverse)

    Stopping the P is gonna be okay I think. In the last couple of years I've not been a big addict, sometimes I watch 2 days in a row and then get disgusted with myself and stop for a couple of months. But now I'm just gonna quit it, it's fucked me up too much already.

    M gonna stop for 90 days. That might be harder. But If I get more sensation back, it's worth it.


    Thank you so much for the support, had no idea this website would be so enlightening
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  10. DocT

    DocT Fapstronaut

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    stop pmo for 90 days and i assure you you will cum 2-3 x per sexual encounter bcos of how sensitive u will become
     
  11. Hey I've dealt with this before in 2013. It took me about 50+ days to be able to ejaculate/orgasm normally. It felt good to be able to orgasm in less than a minute :emoji_laughing:. You will definitely overcome this.
     
    Geoffwaaah and GG2002 like this.
  12. Geoffwaaah

    Geoffwaaah Fapstronaut

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    I can't even imagine that... never have been able to go 2-3 x in a row, even when doing M.

    very eager to see the results in 3 months time :))
     

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