Masturbation is okay? Not for me. Need encouragement.

Hello all,
I could use some encouragement from PA's and SO's to stay on track with not masturbating.
How has masturbation affected your relationship?
Hearing your experience might help me stay on track with my goal of only having sexual release with my partner. Maybe sharing my experience might help others . . .

I have been completely porn free for over a year now (at least, I haven't looked at any, doesn't mean I haven't mentally recalled favourite porn scenes) and I had about 9 months of near perfect hard mode before meeting my girlfriend. At first, I hoped that we could practice karezza (orgasm-free sex) but that didn't last long. Orgasms during sex led to a few slips with masturbation, but still things were pretty good.

Sometime in May I made a conscious decision to start masturbating again. I figured - I have a girlfriend, haven't looked at porn in a year, haven't really had a masturbation problem in almost two years . . . plus, it's 2020 . . . I recognise that I am experiencing the effects of chronic stress related to the pandemic and wouldn't masturbation be a good way to relieve stress?

It didn't work out so well. Almost immediately I was looking forward to the days when we were not together, so that I could masturbate. And I was trying to calculate - "if I masturbate on Monday night after work, will I still have enough sexual energy for her on Wednesday night - will I be able to function? / Will I be able to perform?"

The last time we made love, she told me she wanted me to orgasm and I needed to think of one of my unhealthy sexual fantasies in order to achieve orgasm. I felt awful after that. Instead of being completely with her during that intimate moment, in my head I was in fantasy and it felt like I was hurting our bond rather than strengthening it.

I'm quickly seeing that my masturbating turns into less sex and our relationship suffers. When I let that habit creep back into my life I start to seek more alone time, I look forward to masturbation more than sex and . . . other women become much, much more appealing. She masturbates, too, but I don't think its a problem other than perhaps she's getting into a habit of turning to that more as we make love less often.

In summary, I'm happier and our relationship is better when I don't masturbate. The last few nights my girlfriend has declined my sexual advances (but not quality time together and lots of snuggling) and my sexual desire has been going through the roof when we're sleeping together but maybe that's largely my fault and we'll find our rhythm again soon.

Thank you all for reading. I hope that I can stay away from masturbation all together and I could really benefit from hearing your experience, strength and hope on this subject.

 

Does anyone else find that masturbation (without porn) causes friction in their relationship?

I’m really struggling and could use some support to help me stay on track. Thanks!

 

Agreed. I don't want to judge anyone's choice to masturbate. I think it can be healthy, or at least okay, but it is very problematic for me.

Honestly (this is hard to say) but it feels like I prefer masturbation. Its addiction. Short term gratification. Meaningful connection and being totally present with my partner while making love is so beautiful. I'm grateful to have experienced it! And I want to again. But, with addiction, I have this frenzied need for release and the intensity that I experience (in my brain mostly) when engaging in fantasy. At it's best, making love is about connection, not about sexual release. When sexual release becomes my primary focus during sex, it gets very convoluted indeed.

That is really a beautiful image. I'm sorry that it didn't come true for you. Even as a teenager, I sensed that I was masturbating too much and sensed that I should stop. And, even then, many of my fantasies were about getting caught and somehow being "forced" to stop.

THIS!! This is what I want. And it is such a relief to hear you say it, to feel like I have been heard, that someone understands. I want to save all of my sexual energy for my girlfriend. I want to be thrilled when I see her. I want every orgasm to be with her. I want sex to be something that brings us together, not something that I do in my head.

Yes. It's all about fantasy. If I go days and days without masturbation, then maybe I can do it without fantasy . . . it's over in a few seconds and very underwhelming. For the most part, I need fantasy to masturbate and it is fantasy that leads me to masturbation. Fantasy . . . it usually begins with a trigger and is hard to stop once it gets its hooks in me. Sometimes it seems all I can do is try to not feed the fantasy by giving in and masturbating to it.

Thank you so much for the support and insightful questions @Psalm27:1my light

 

Me, too! And, in some ways it is true. I do not need porn and masturbation. I never really did.

The sex is beautiful. It is enough.

Trouble is that I have a deeply rooted addiction. The stimulation that comes from porn and masturbation, and especially from unhealthy fantasies and internet porn is too stimulating. Our brains really weren't designed to handle that much stimulation. I'm desensitised to normal, healthy levels of stimulation, and my brain has conjured up some very intense fantasies.

Take it as a warning, my friend. Hopefully you have not gone as deep as I did.

 

I feel you. I have literally broken down in tears as I've realised how much masturbation cost me and I have longed for some outside help to quit masturbation. Do to my upbringing I have trouble trusting men but I have often wished that a woman (or some women) would browbeat me into not doing it, whether that is through shaming me for my seeming inability to not play with myself or by encouraging my success. There is a reason why "wanker" is a derogatory term, and it shows a real lack of willpower.

How will we ever be successful in life if we can not resist these urges for short term sexual gratification??

And who misses out the most when we succumb to masturbation? Our partners. Even if they masturbate themselves, it is us who really become limited in our ability to engage in real, loving sexual intercourse.

I wish you success and I agree. For me, masturbation is one way of keeping the impact of porn alive even if I'm not looking at any. I need to forget all the porn that I have subjected my brain to, but how can I if am playing with myself and remembering the porn and the fantasies?

Perhaps you could change your counter to tracking days without porn and masturbation?

 

Good news: Over two weeks now that I have only had orgasms from making love with my girlfriend.

On Saturday we made love and it was beautiful. I tried to hold back my orgasm . . . and failed, but it was still beautiful. Ideally I would like to save all of my sexual energy for her. (A couple of days before that, we also made love and that time I did not orgasm, but she did . . . it was all about her sexual pleasure, and I always feel better, and closer to her when I can give her pleasure and then just hold her without having to "get off" myself)

Other news: I'm still really struggling!

I compulsively masturbated yesterday. I don't use that word lightly. It was like I couldn't stop myself. Somehow the sexual tension was relieved after a few minutes and somehow I did not orgasm, but . . . it's still masturbation (aka edging) and I'm frustrated that I just can't control myself sometimes.

 

Ugh. I compulsively masturbated despite having just had sex (and orgasm) with my girlfriend. Compulsively . . . as in it seemed like I couldn't stop myself.

Luckily I did stop before orgasm, so technically not MO, but really frustrated at how little self control I seem to have.

 

Hmm . . . I'm not sure if I can say that my girlfriend is intentionally manipulating me into orgasms to make me more submissive. But, I'm already a little submissive to begin with and masturbation/orgasms do seem to make me more submissive. I wish it wasn't so, but every time I orgasm during sex it just starts the chaser effect all over again and my urges to masturbate flare up.

Ugh. It's so true! Sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind if I can't get another hit. It's awful. I see it most days as a chronic urge to interact with my phone, just looking for tiny hits like a text message, an email or some compelling piece of news. Then when I'm in a bad state, the urges come for bigger and bigger hits, and being summer time, just seeing one attractive person in a summer outfit can light up that part of my brain that associates the dopamine with sexual pleasure - thus triggering urges for porn and masturbation.

I should really stock up on some cheese!! I usually reach for chocolate. Or sugar or caffeine. And those things only make things worse!

Cheese is a much better solution.

 

Maybe if I can just retrain my brain. In my experience, sugar begets sugar. But the same is true with exercise and eating healthy, but I can't eat real food and sugar as the sugar will always lead to more and more sugar. I went for a few years with very little carbs, possibly a year or more without really having pasta or a sandwich . . . then I got into a relationship with someone fixated on cutting out fat. Ugh. I feed her grass-fed butter, avocados and olive oil, she feeds me bread. We're both wrestling with our weight now

Yes!

And, yes!! Thank you for this. I need to remind myself of this. Having quit drinking, quit smoking. Having quit carbs, chocolate, caffeine, porn and masturbation (for periods of time) . . . it can be brutal and oh-so-hard, but it is such an experience, one that I always appreciate and there is some odd new-ness to it all. I need to be reminded of this often. This is exactly the kind of encouragement that I need!!

Or, at least one type of encouragement that I hope might help me to resist the sporadic and intense urges to masturbate . . . . as well as the chronic and nagging urges to masturbate.

I'm wondering now if the same conundrum applies to all addictions. The longer we go without - the stronger we get, but also the stronger the urges can become and the stronger the potential relapse can be. At times when I quit masturbation for days or weeks I feel incredibly free of it. But at other times, I feel incredibly enslaved to it. Sometimes there is zero sexual arousal but other times the pent up desire and sexual arousal can build to such an intoxicating and fevered pitch that I find myself wanting to both fuel that fire (edging) and hold-off to try to take it to new levels.

Well, luckily I have NoFap. And 12 step programs. I've been at this for a decade now and while the road has been bumpy as all get out, I can look back and see that I have made progress and had some enlightening experiences along the way.