Masturbation while in a relationship - is it okay?

[+TenPercent]

Hello all,
I'm an addict in recovery and engaged to be married. I have been free from porn for 3+ years thanks to NoFap. There has been improvement in my masturbation habits as well - less frequent and less compulsive.
I have been working with a very supportive AP and we have determined that I can masturbate one time per week, only on Mondays. This is helping me to learn to control it, to 'delay gratification' and the idea is that it works well with the intention of having sex with my partner on Saturday nights. If I MO too soon before Saturday night, then I risk not having the arousal and desire when I need it. Also, waiting until Monday helps me resist the urge to MO shortly after having sex.
So, how is that working for me?
Not that well lately. We have not had sex in a month. We've been busy and stressed about planning our wedding. But I have not missed my Monday opportunity to MO.
I find that I fixate a lot on my next opportunity to MO. I think about it much more than I think about sex with my partner. Lack of sex has not been a source of contention lately and the Monday/Saturday plan seemed to work for awhile . . . but I feel like I am slipping towards MO and away from making love with my partner.

Any ideas for turning that around? Is there a healthy way to MO in a relationship without depriving my partner of sexual attention?
SO's - what are your thoughts? Is it okay to MO once a week? Is it cheating? I'm not sure I want to divulge all of this to my partner, but how would you feel? Should I MO less in order to focus more attention on my fiancé?

 

[Warfman]

Hello all,
I'm an addict in recovery and engaged to be married. I have been free from porn for 3+ years thanks to NoFap. There has been improvement in my masturbation habits as well - less frequent and less compulsive.
I have been working with a very supportive AP and we have determined that I can masturbate one time per week, only on Mondays. This is helping me to learn to control it, to 'delay gratification' and the idea is that it works well with the intention of having sex with my partner on Saturday nights. If I MO too soon before Saturday night, then I risk not having the arousal and desire when I need it. Also, waiting until Monday helps me resist the urge to MO shortly after having sex.
So, how is that working for me?
Not that well lately. We have not had sex in a month. We've been busy and stressed about planning our wedding. But I have not missed my Monday opportunity to MO.
I find that I fixate a lot on my next opportunity to MO. I think about it much more than I think about sex with my partner. Lack of sex has not been a source of contention lately and the Monday/Saturday plan seemed to work for awhile . . . but I feel like I am slipping towards MO and away from making love with my partner.

Any ideas for turning that around? Is there a healthy way to MO in a relationship without depriving my partner of sexual attention?
SO's - what are your thoughts? Is it okay to MO once a week? Is it cheating? I'm not sure I want to divulge all of this to my partner, but how would you feel? Should I MO less in order to focus more attention on my fiancé?

Communication and honesty are keys to having a healthy relationship. If you are struggling with this, and you feel it's a problem theres really no other way to address it. Talk to her about her thoughts around MO and what her feelings are about it, that conversation is probably the ice breaker,. If you are struggling with wanting to MO rather than be with her, you have a systemic issue there that you need to work through. It won't go away by hiding it from her, and its going to get in the way of your intimacy with her whether you talk to her about it or not. Hiding it doesn't fix the problem, being honest about it might.

Is there a healthy way to MO in a relationship without depriving my partner of sexual attention?

Yes, by talking about it with your partner, so that both of you are on the same page for what is acceptable in the relationship. By communicating about this, both you and her can navigate this, and all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions around the tougher parts of these conversations.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

I would say if your focus in more on MO than sex with your fiancee, then you need to cut back on the masturbation. I would assume that if you masturbate less frequently, you will pursue sex as an alternative sexual outlet. Perhaps go fortnightly or just try to knock it on the head until you've reestablished frequent sexual contact with your other half.

 

[KevinesKay]

Hello all,
I'm an addict in recovery and engaged to be married. I have been free from porn for 3+ years thanks to NoFap. There has been improvement in my masturbation habits as well - less frequent and less compulsive.
I have been working with a very supportive AP and we have determined that I can masturbate one time per week, only on Mondays. This is helping me to learn to control it, to 'delay gratification' and the idea is that it works well with the intention of having sex with my partner on Saturday nights. If I MO too soon before Saturday night, then I risk not having the arousal and desire when I need it. Also, waiting until Monday helps me resist the urge to MO shortly after having sex.
So, how is that working for me?
Not that well lately. We have not had sex in a month. We've been busy and stressed about planning our wedding. But I have not missed my Monday opportunity to MO.
I find that I fixate a lot on my next opportunity to MO. I think about it much more than I think about sex with my partner. Lack of sex has not been a source of contention lately and the Monday/Saturday plan seemed to work for awhile . . . but I feel like I am slipping towards MO and away from making love with my partner.

Any ideas for turning that around? Is there a healthy way to MO in a relationship without depriving my partner of sexual attention?
SO's - what are your thoughts? Is it okay to MO once a week? Is it cheating? I'm not sure I want to divulge all of this to my partner, but how would you feel? Should I MO less in order to focus more attention on my fiancé?

Are you fantasizing about other women when you MB?

 

[Be Inspired]

In my case MO was the primary addiction. It was the base addiction. The PMO started much later in life. I became a daily MO addict since 10 years old. I became a daily PMO user since 17 y.o. I am 40 years old now and completely free from PMO for 238 days. It has been a very long road to recovery.

Once I was able to surrender the MO, my healing started on a deeper level.

 

[+TenPercent]

Thank you gentlemen for all the excellent feedback. I think its a good thing now that I was triggered and have come to this crisis - it means that something needs to change. This is all very helpful. My AP has been very helpful as well and it looks like I will try to bring my MO frequency down to once every two weeks and considering another caveat of only after sex.
I am a masturbation addict through and through. @Be Inspired it is my base addiction as well. I'm free of porn but stuck on MO. I've had more than my share of it.
I am hoping to shift to less masturbation and more intimacy with my partner.

@Warfman - my partner and I have talked about masturbation. We both do it. She has said that she's okay with it but porn is definitely not okay. It's hard to talk about frequency, even more about what we are thinking about while we do it. I think we both see those details as 'none of my business' / 'I'd rather not know'. But I agree 100% with more communication, though perhaps more about the intimacy that we're not having.

I feel bad about what I am doing. I realise that I am 'checking out' with MO. Then. I am less present for my fiancé. Hopefully I can stick to MO less often. Then I will be more present for my partner. She will sense that and be grateful for the change, and our intimacy will improve. That is the hope.

Are you fantasizing about other women when you MB?

I don't fantasise about having sex with other women, though I might fantasise about interactions with other women, especially after certain triggers. Sometimes I fantasise about my partner, but that feels even worse. My fantasies are not terribly healthy (i.e. fetish).

 

[Be Inspired]

I don't fantasise about having sex with other women, though I might fantasise about interactions with other women, especially after certain triggers. Sometimes I fantasise about my partner, but that feels even worse. My fantasies are not terribly healthy (i.e. fetish).

That's my biggest problem with Masturbation. Going back to when I was little, I had to use fantasies to MO that were plain disturbing. This created a dissonance between what I thought of myself as a person and then the things that I would fantasize about.

 

[nomo]

I can't relate to this at all, because when I'm attracted to a woman I want to have sex with them every day. My concern for you would be how can either of you go a month without sex? My guess is that once you are married you will not have sex very often. This may not be a problem if your sex drive is low, but it sounds like you want sex more often than you are getting it.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I can't relate to this at all, because when I'm attracted to a woman I want to have sex with them every day. My concern for you would be how can either of you go a month without sex? My guess is that once you are married you will not have sex very often. This may not be a problem if your sex drive is low, but it sounds like you want sex more often than you are getting it.

Many p addicts avoid sex with their partner. Sometimes going years! It is most definitely not uncommon and it sucks for the partner ( ask me how I know)

 

[+TenPercent]

I can't relate to this at all, because when I'm attracted to a woman I want to have sex with them every day. My concern for you would be how can either of you go a month without sex? My guess is that once you are married you will not have sex very often. This may not be a problem if your sex drive is low, but it sounds like you want sex more often than you are getting it.

I want intimacy more often than we are having it. And I want my partner to be happy.
In truth, as a masturbation addict, I'd probably be content having sex just a few times a year, especially if it gave me an excuse to MO to my hearts content.
(I was single for many years and struggled with the consequences of excessive masturbation).

MO and the obsession with MO and arousal, make my life unmanageable. I am slowly slowly training myself to MO less often, and not to do it whenever I want it. - thus only one time a week and only on a certain weekday. As one person said recently, the real problem is when sex or MO is used as a form of escape.

Many p addicts avoid sex with their partner. Sometimes going years! It is most definitely not uncommon and it sucks for the partner ( ask me how I know)

Guilty as charged. I have been on here for years and Psalm27 has been an inspiration for me. I avoid sex because MO is so much easier and because having sex triggers me. I think about it after and have urges to relive parts of it with fantasy and MO. How sad.

I am hoping to train myself to pleasure myself less and turn to my partner for sexual gratification. That's part of what a relationship is - to help meet each others sexual needs, to not do these things on our own and to not seek gratification outside of our partnership.

 

[Deleted Account]

In my opinion, masturbation is a selfish act which makes it contrary to love and therefore will never benefit a relationship which is supposed to founded on love.

In short, it gives no benefits to your relationship and can only provide possible issues, especially in your case being an MO addict. It’s not worth it and is useless, so I would continue to work on getting rid of it.

I say this as a fellow MO addict.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

. I think about it after and have urges to relive parts of it with fantasy and MO

Curiosity question, if you feel comfortable answering:
If you have the urge to relive it, and are actively fantasizing about her, why not just go tell her it was so great you can't stop thinking about it/can't get enough of her and cuddle up to her and have sex again? I know MO is a quick/easy fix, but if the urge to go again is there... Why not use the opportunity to go again together until the habit becomes turning to her instead of going off on your own?

 

[+TenPercent]

In my opinion, masturbation is a selfish act which makes it contrary to love and therefore will never benefit a relationship which is supposed to founded on love.

In short, it gives no benefits to your relationship and can only provide possible issues, especially in your case being an MO addict. It’s not worth it and is useless, so I would continue to work on getting rid of it.

I say this as a fellow MO addict.

A selfish act. True. It's self-serving. I'm not doing anything for anyone (except myself) by masturbating.
Some might argue that it is self-care. Maybe. But as you pointed out, it's especially risky for those of us who are masturbation addicts.
This is a good reminder that, for me at least, it should be minimised as much as possible - a constant effort to do it less - if not something that should be eliminated entirely.

 

[+TenPercent]

Curiosity question, if you feel comfortable answering:
If you have the urge to relive it, and are actively fantasizing about her, why not just go tell her it was so great you can't stop thinking about it/can't get enough of her and cuddle up to her and have sex again? I know MO is a quick/easy fix, but if the urge to go again is there... Why not use the opportunity to go again together until the habit becomes turning to her instead of going off on your own?

This is a great question. It does make me uncomfortable. Thank you for that as it sheds light where light is needed.
Maybe if I was courageous enough, I could. If I am courageous here, I will admit that the parts of sex that lead to fantasies afterwards are those associated with shame.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Even with a trigger warning, I'm not sure if I should say this, but what triggers me most during sex are things that make me feel inadequate and/or submissive (i.e. premature ejaculation, struggles due to my p*nis size, and *gulp* when she insists that I finish her off after I orgasm because I did not give her an orgasm.

If I keep that to myself and turn to her for sex instead of MO, then it feels like I am "using her to get off" on my fantasies.
But maybe if I had the courage to communicate these things to her? That's a scary prospect. Even though previous partners have accepted some of these things about myself, I guess I fear that she won't accept it.

Your question calls for some deep self reflection. Thank you.

 

[Deleted Account]

Some might argue that it is self-care. Maybe. But as you pointed out, it's especially risky for those of us who are masturbation addicts.

I agree there are some who think of it as self-care simply because it brings pleasure or supposed “health benefits” —Personally, I don’t think it provides any health benefits.

I’m reminded of something my CSAT said. He told me when we masturbate we bond to the mental fantasies we create in our minds. These are never representative of reality; for example the women never say no. They never say they’re tired, sick, not in the mood, or hurt. oOur fantasy always provides ready and willing participants which isn’t realistic. He said “do you really want to bond to that”?

 

[Starling]

This is a great question. It does make me uncomfortable. Thank you for that as it sheds light where light is needed.
Maybe if I was courageous enough, I could. If I am courageous here, I will admit that the parts of sex that lead to fantasies afterwards are those associated with shame.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Even with a trigger warning, I'm not sure if I should say this, but what triggers me most during sex are things that make me feel inadequate and/or submissive (i.e. premature ejaculation, struggles due to my p*nis size, and *gulp* when she insists that I finish her off after I orgasm because I did not give her an orgasm.

If I keep that to myself and turn to her for sex instead of MO, then it feels like I am "using her to get off" on my fantasies.
But maybe if I had the courage to communicate these things to her? That's a scary prospect. Even though previous partners have accepted some of these things about myself, I guess I fear that she won't accept it.

Your question calls for some deep self reflection. Thank you.

Isn't it far worse to turn away from her and masturbate behind her back than go to her and admit you are horny after the last time you had sex? I know this might be quite common at porn addicts, my husband also did this, hide his feelings from me. He turned to PMO everytime he felt anxious, tired, sick, bored, horny...whatever... He didnt need me, he "needed" his porn and his hand instead of me. I dont understand it at all, but it seems to be the essence of the addiction. Connection is the opposite of addiction, right?
You say you are scared to talk about these things with your soon to be wife...well, she (as your wife) is supposed to be the closest person to you in the whole world. You should be able to communicate together about literally everything. If you cant do that, are you sure you are ready for this big commitment the marriage definitely is?

 

[Deleted Account]

There isn't a better solution. The more you do m the more your mind get away from your partner. Because it means you are trying to escape and this will bring a bridge of distrust. Your relationship will feel distant. Try quitting mo without sex. Sex should be enough reward really. If you can't do that than you have got a problem cause human body can't handle too much of everything unless you are something magical. After the age of 30 no person should have sex more than once or twice a week. It's not good for health to do more than that.The more you do pmo the more u feel vulnerable towards your health. So be careful, save yourself for the future. Best of luck.

 

[nomo]

I want intimacy more often than we are having it. And I want my partner to be happy.
In truth, as a masturbation addict, I'd probably be content having sex just a few times a year, especially if it gave me an excuse to MO to my hearts content.
(I was single for many years and struggled with the consequences of excessive masturbation).

MO and the obsession with MO and arousal, make my life unmanageable. I am slowly slowly training myself to MO less often, and not to do it whenever I want it. - thus only one time a week and only on a certain weekday. As one person said recently, the real problem is when sex or MO is used as a form of escape.



Guilty as charged. I have been on here for years and Psalm27 has been an inspiration for me. I avoid sex because MO is so much easier and because having sex triggers me. I think about it after and have urges to relive parts of it with fantasy and MO. How sad.

I am hoping to train myself to pleasure myself less and turn to my partner for sexual gratification. That's part of what a relationship is - to help meet each others sexual needs, to not do these things on our own and to not seek gratification outside of our partnership.

Intimacy is not easy to come by, especially in my case where I have been with the same woman for 25-years. My wife and I tend to take each other for granted and the sex is mechanical and lacking. I just addressed this issue with her last weekend and we are both trying to be more intimate.
Good luck, and hopefully we can figure out this complicated PMO, MO, relationships, intimacy, sex, and the rest of it!

 

[+TenPercent]

I am so very grateful for the replies and the support from everyone on this thread!

I am not sure that I want to communicate all of my fantasies to my fiancé. They are not exactly healthy and I want them to be a thing of my past. Part of my past includes being cu*kolded and that trauma has left me with cu*kold fantasies. I am afraid to share that for fear that bringing it up could lead to that fantasy becoming a reality. I did bring that up very early in our relationship, as something that I am trying to heal from. My addiction might want to re-experience that kind of trauma, but I want to move away from it.

The overwhelming message that I am getting from all the responses is that the masturbation really needs to end. Continuing to do it hurts the relationship and bonds me with the fantasies. The less I MO the better. And I pray, I really pray, that it will lead to more love making with my partner.

Please keep the advice coming. I appreciate all the advice I'm getting!

+10%

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

If I were you, I would not express those fantasies to your partner nor try to realise them. That's not going to be good for you or your relationship. Whilst it's important to be authentic, I would instead try to extirpate them from your mind so that it aligns with the person you present. If you must MO in a moment of weakness, try to focus on a healthier fantasy. Deny your brain the opportunity to indulge those intrusive thoughts, focus on and reinforce whatever image you'd like to replace it with.