Masturbation while in a relationship - is it okay?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, May 6, 2024.

  1. Warfman

    Warfman Fapstronaut

    In my experience, experiencing trauma can lead to pain shopping/searching for that same feeling of the trauma. Almost like a way of reminding us that it was a real event, maybe it's linked to fight or flight, but for me, I've often struggled wanting to relive traumas (even though ultimately I don't really want to). But it's a way of reminding myself of what hurt I experienced, it's hard to let go sometimes, and I can remember many times where I've started to feel I'm moving toward the "acceptance phase" and had that impulse to remind myself of the pain, it's a struggle at times to let go, because it sometimes feels like you are letting go of the control of being hurt again. I wonder if this experience you have had is related to that at all?

    Sometimes it's hard to let go, but your fiance is not that same person. I'm sorry for your pain through that experience.

    As far as MO, I wonder if you feel safer MOing, rather than risking being vulnerable with your fiancé and risking rejection or humiliation?

    It seems very common, that as lives get busier with kids, jobs, activities, etc. Intimacy gets put on the back burner, having little ones around makes it difficult to even find the time to talk! Currently, my wife and i are in a phase where our toddler will just keep getting louder and louder if we are trying to talk to each other until we focus our attention on her. I remember my brother and his wife having the same experience. This is why I think now is a great time to talk about intimacy with her, express that you want to share more of it with her, that you desire to please her as well, and build a foundation of communication around this so that down the road you are able to navigate life's complexities better, rather than you secretly going to MO, and your fiance feeling alone, with kids screaming, dishes in the sink, etc.
    Last edited: May 10, 2024
    +TenPercent likes this.
  2. Absolutely. That is definitely part of it. (My hand can't reject me :rolleyes:) MO is guaranteed results, on demand, with minimal effort.

    Thank you for your understanding and sharing your experience. The stresses of life are definitely a factor that hinders intimacy. And early trauma is something that I find myself drawn to relive - either to overcome it this time around - or to try to heal the buried pain. It's confusing, since I feel shame for feeling a desire to relive something that was so painful. And yes, it's all an effort (perhaps an unhealthy one) to gain control over the hurt that we have experienced.

    I particularly appreciate your suggestion to express my desire to have more intimacy with my partner. That is something that I can work on and is far less scary than sharing all my inner fears and fantasies with her. It really is all about communication, but there are things that can't be taken back once they've been let out.
    Warfman likes this.
  3. Update:
    My AP has been incredibly helpful as I am working through this re-evaluation.
    I was aiming for sex on Saturday nights (my fiancé and I had come up with this plan) and MO once a week, only on Mondays.
    My AP and I agreed this week to change MO to once every two weeks . . . a small improvement.
    Now she has helped me to come to an agreement to hold out for a third week. And I can only MO next next Monday if we have sex this weekend.

    Perhaps I will put off MO even further after that. If I can MO on Monday, that leaves me with less incentive to initiate sex over the weekend (my partner rarely / almost never initiates). So . . . we have removed the option to MO on Monday.
    Also, if we do have sex this weekend (totally okay if it's on Friday or Sunday . . . totally okay to have sex anyway, really), then I really want to try to resist the urge to MO after. Much better if I can turn successful lovemaking into incentive to do it again the next week.

    Maybe I can somehow keep pushing off MO into the future one week at a time. As an addict, I can't fathom giving it up forever. But it's clear that MO does nothing to help my fiancé and our relationship.
    KevinesKay likes this.
  4. Warfman

    Warfman Fapstronaut

    Love this guy, I listened to this one this morning, and thought of you since you are currently in the wedding planning phase!

    Jimmy, at one point had an affair, and he did the work to mend the relationship, I don't know his personal story, but his channel is devoted to relationships and helping people work on them. He's learned a lot and IMHO gives great advice and does it in a fun way with comedy added in.

    Thought I'd share it for you.

    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. That was great! He packed a lot into 6 minutes!
    Warfman likes this.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Love him too
    +TenPercent likes this.
  7. Interesting how impactful one success can be.
    Despite triggers, the chaser effect and the decision with my AP that I can MO next Monday . . .

    I have decided to hold off on MO until the end of the month! :cool:

    Who knows, but hopefully this will lead to making love with my partner again and then maybe I'll go for another month . . .

    I feel like I'm on the right track. :)
    Starling likes this.