May the healing begin

My husband has PA. He hid it from me for 4 years and I suspected the whole time, but he finally told me in December out of spite. He only told me because he was mad at me and wanted to hurt me. I was angry, hurt, you know the deal.

The next day I did a lot of research at work (thank goodness I have a slow job) and I came to the conversation confused and hurt and wanting to know every last detail. We sat down, I told him he had no option but to be 100% honest with me and he said he would.

Long story short he had a very intense addiction when we started dating and over the 4 year relationship he had been trying to "cure" his addiction but lied to me about it every time I brought it up. 4 years of lying to my face. Like so many of you know, that is what is the absolute worst part. The lying. I put my heart and my trust into this man who looked in my eyes and told me lie after lie. How can I trust him again? It was so easy for him to hide this from me. What else is he hiding?

After that, I suppose DDay, we didn't talk about it except for every now when I asked if he'd watched porn. Yup. 2 relapses and it was so nonchalant like it was no big deal and I was just happy he was telling me.

And then it got real for me. He is M-ing while I am in the next room. Betrayed. That's all I can say. I have told him over and over again that I want to be intimate with him, that I want him. Instead he chooses, once again, something other than me.

Then I found this forum and really realized, this is not okay. These relapses, even though it is looking very briefly (like 30 seconds or less so he says) are still not okay. If an alcoholic only had beer it would still be a huge issue, just briefly looking is not okay. I told him he needed to stop and to my surprise he agreed with me. I told him I felt like he was saying what I wanted to hear and he said he wasn't. That he's disgusted with himself.

And here we are a week later. He posts on nofap but doesn't look at other people's posts or get involved. And worst of all, he doesn't want me to read it. It feels like if he really wanted to heal our relationship then he should post regularly, seek out support and allow me to support him. But he won't let me. It feels like yet another slap in the face.

Since finding out about his PA my self esteem has hit rock bottom and I am depressed. I have almost committed suicide on multiple occasions. I am at my lowest lows. I don't know if I can wait for him to "hit rock bottom" so we can finally heal.

I want to think everything is going to be okay. But is it?

 

I started a book today that is basically about self acceptance and actively working toward it. I'm really hoping that this will give me the confidence I need to stop focusing on the negativity that I feel about myself and the poor feelings that come with PMO.

I just really don't know how to feel confident with this addiction looming over me and my relationship. I feel good and then I think, my husband doesn't want me. He would rather seek intimacy with a screen or his hand. Why is that okay?

I just don't know how to feel good about me by myself, when the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, be supportive of me and want me to feel good about myself makes me feel the opposite of all those things.

It is so sad to think that as a little girl you think my husband will be... and then this PA destroys any dreams you ever had about your relationship. You have to start all over again like the last 4 years never happendd.

 

I can't tell anymore if my lack of caring is due to my depression or due to being beaten down. I have these conversations with my husband where he says he will try or he will stop or whatever, and then he turns around and makes me feel terrible.

Friday I felt used. Saturday I felt undesired. Today I felt uncared for.

There are too many things that are more important than me.

We went to a soccer game today and I stupidly took pain meds without eating. Within 30 minutes I felt high as a damn kite and 15 minutes later I felt sick as a dog. I clung to my husband feeling like throwing up, feeling like crying, feeling terrible all around saying that maybe it would be a good idea for me to get something to eat. He gave me one of his leave me alone non answers. After about 20 minutes I rushed to the bathroom feeling like I was going to finally puke. My mom followed me to make sure I was okay and when I went back to watch the match my dad checked on me and my husband? Nothing. He didn't come check on me, he didn't ask me how I was feeling he just watched the game and pretended like I didn't exist. Right before halftime I got my credit card from him so I could get some water and then went back to my normal seat and only at halftime did he check on me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling uncared for. I'm just tired overall. Is this him or my depression? Am I being sensitive because I'm grumpy from my pain meds and depression or is he really not putting in any effort? Whatever it is, at the end of the day, I don't want to put in an effort anymore. I'm tired of trying and caring. I really just feel like giving up all around. I go back to work on Tuesday after a month off and instead of being happy to get out of the house I'm dreading it. I'm afraid that it is because I have given up and would rather sit around the house doing nothing than go do anything.

 

I feel ugly.
I feel hurt.
I feel like quitting.

I asked my husband how he is doing and he said well. He said that he hasn't felt the need to do any variation of PMO. I asked him if he didn't have much sex
drive and he said that he didn't. I asked him if he tried to have sex last Friday because he had alcohol and he wouldn't answer me. I insisted and he just said must be.

I'm so tired of not being touched. Sexually, intimately, caring, loving anything. He doesn't cuddle with me ever and when I have asked him in the past he said he gets too hot. But if the dog is on the bed he will force cuddle him almost every night. It is only for like 5 minutes, but he isn't willing to give me those 5 minutes. He would rather be close to the damn dog than to me. How is that fair?

When will this end? When will I finally be important? When will my needs finally be met? When will I be able to go to sleep without crying every other night?

I want to be important. I need my needs met. I need to feel loved. I need to feel beautiful. I need to be wanted. I need to be cared for. I need someone to care when I cry. I need someone to be happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad. I need someone who wants to be close to me. I need someone who is willing to be uncomfortable so I can feel loved. I need to be doted on. I need to be thought about. I need cute texts in the middle of the day. I need to be held. I need to be kissed with meaning. I need to look at someone and know that they're thinking about how beautiful I am to them. I need to be worthy of love. I need to have deep conversations with my husband. I need intimacy. I need a deep intimate connection. I need to stop feeling so alone. I need a friend to pick me up off the ground, dust me off and half carry me to where I'm going. I need support from my husband. I need love.

I am so scared that one day I will be tired of waiting. I am scared that one day I will go searching for those things outside my marriage. I am scared that I married the wrong man. I am scared that every day for the rest of my life I will be desiring every last one of those things and that I will never receive them.

 

@Trappist thank you so much for your kind words and support. I have been going through the recommended peoples journals and posts over the last 3 weeks and have looked into cosa a little bit. I really appreciate your recommendations. It is so nice getting feedback from people who have been through all of this nonsense before.

 

@phuck-porn! It is so nice to know that it isn't just SOs that struggle with this part of the . I will look into intimacy anorexia and see what it's all about. Thank you for the recommendation. I have a feeling I'm about to learn a lot. It seems like this addiction has taught me all sorts of things I never knew I needed to know.