May well be the very last option

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Roadeater, Feb 21, 2019.

  1. Roadeater

    Roadeater Fapstronaut

    I'm 43 and my life is in ruins, and I attribute it to porn.

    The love of my life has just left me. I found out the day after my birthday last month that she'd been fucking an old work colleague. I brought him home a couple times for a beer and introduced them... she was and is the literal love of my life but she's gone now. She took my pets because I work away from home, so they are gone too (fortunate that we couldn't have children). Maybe it was my porn addiction and lack of sexual attention for her in a genuine way that was the root of this. I suffered from premature ejaculation when I did have sex with her, probably due to the conditioning of quick relief via porn.

    I now live alone in the middle of a desert. No friends nearby and I have no direct family. The region I live in is gripped by a ferocious drought and all of the hard work I've put in over the years to have a nice home with gardens is now undone. Everything once green is dead.

    I keep a small film canister with potassium cyanide in it that I smuggled out of an old work place years ago, in reserve for a day when I have lost all hope. That day is today... or tomorrow...

    I have a menial job and no qualifications to get a better one, and I probably couldn't get another job because my body is packed up from chasing the motocross dream in my younger years (and obviously crashing my brains out and body to smithereens). The heartache and pain is becoming too much and the only reason I'm still alive is because I foolishly can't stop loving Her.

    I drove home the 120km's from my shitty job yesterday in stone-faced silent despair, no music on the radio because every song somehow reminds me of Her and my lifetime's worth of failures. Even my good old Heavy Metal exacerbates the crushing depression. On arrival home last night I immediately fapped to porn and cried.

    I have stood and stared at the horizon and it just looks like a corridor to a cold, vacuous wasteland calling me to the chill-winded end, even when the sun is shining.

    In my heart I know my life is fucked up all because of a lifetime of porn addiction. If I can stop fapping maybe I can find one last reason not to grab that film canister...
  2. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    There's always a way out man. And you have found it. You recognized the problem and can now deal with it.
    Coffee Candy and FX-05 like this.
  3. TheProcedure

    TheProcedure Fapstronaut

    @Roadeater some of the success stories on here can feel ironic when in our darkest hour. they seem comical in our rock bottom , they seem unreachable and not for us. when others say one day at a time , we might respond in our hearts and our minds that i can't do one more day. sometimes hell and very high water do come and they come slow and sad.

    There's no easy answers in our darkest moment. There's seldom easy way outs. We have to fight it, man. We have to dig deep. and once we've hit the bottom of the barrel, we have to dig harder and deeper. And we have to cry and shout that there's nothing more. but we have to do it anyway man. we have to fight it because one day we're gonna find it. We have to find it. What's it? I don't freaking know man. but we can do it. i know we can

    and there are people in this community who have been through ROUGH times, dark times, and their willingness to help and listen is unlike any other place i've found on the internet. we all struggle with this dark addiction man, but we're all trying together to end it.

    @Such Small Hands
    Roadeater likes this.
  4. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

    I feel your pain. No, not YOUR pain specifically, because your situation is unique and belongs to you. But I know what it feels like to be alone, despairing, and with no way out - seemingly. I dont have a canister but there's always some kind of escape hatch we can find. I've stood on that threshold before.

    This is a community that looks out for you. I'm a part of it because I know that no matter how many times I fail, I can come here to seek reassurance, and know that there is such a thing as success in this dreadful PMO addiction we share.

    I'm sorry about your partner. It is devastating news. I hope that folks here at NoFap can help you with this sudden and drastic absence of companionship in your life. Feel free to PM me.

    And @theprocedure is a stand-up dude, as well.
    TheProcedure likes this.
  5. Roadeater

    Roadeater Fapstronaut

    Thanks, man. I have felt at the point of throwing up through heartbreak and sadness for so many weeks now, but I haven't REALLY cried - until I read this. I just cried so hard that no noise came out. It may seem a LOT UNmanly, but shit is so dark for me I just broke here and now.

    ....I want to fight! I want to believe it will get better. Great timing and power of your paragraph.

    I know this is not a suicide prevention site, but I also know that the base cause of all my problems IS the very thing this site helps us get over. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ... Today I want to fight.
    Such Small Hands likes this.

Share This Page