Maybe it'll work out/Maybe it won't

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by SideKickSideChick, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    I decided to make this journal to log our progress as a couple. My husband has PA. He confessed this to me before we had been together for 2 years. We've now been together 2 and a half years and are married with a 1 month old baby boy. Yep, sounds like we jumped in feet first, but there's been ALOT of stumbles and forgiveness along the way. This last stumble has about burnt the fogiveness out of me--I won't go into detail, there's already a post about that... The current situation, though, is that my husband is staying at his mom's. He's been there about a week, but he's coming home tonight to find out that...Well, he's gonna be there for a 2nd week. I'm not ready to live with him again (yet). He sent me a message today that he joined a support phone conference last night and that he plans to go to meetings also. He says he wants to fix himself to re-earn my trust. I hope he'll stick to his words, but I'm sceptical. Lies will make anyone skeptical. I really hope he puts in the work to overcome this. I'm certainly willing to let him try and help him at home by suggesting some healthy changes for both of us (exercising, cooking, taking day breaks as a couple from devices, etc.) I'm just not sure how to receive him when he does come home. Still working on that...
     
  2. Raging Wife

    Raging Wife Fapstronaut

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    I kind of wish I had an opportunity to kick my husband out for a week or 2 but he has no family here in England so it always sits with me to sort out and then I would just feel guilty.
    I feel like the trust has gone and I dont know how to fix it and make it better. It's quite heartbreaking really.
     
  3. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry about your predicament. I wish I had some good advice to give you, but I could use some myself. All I can hope is that our guys will have an epiphany. Either that, or we might. Let's pray/wish for the former.
     
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  4. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    After spending his weekend taking care of our 1 month old and completing a long list of chores I left him if he got "bored", my husband responded to the news that I wanted him to stay at his mom's for a 2nd week with "I was hoping to stay here". We then had a long emotional discussion about how I couldn't just go back to normal with him yet and how it had only been 1 week and I was worried he'd get too comfortable if he came back and he'd quit trying to reboot. He brought up how his mom told him that my therapist said I shouldn't invite him back too soon and I added that I was also told that by someone here on nofap. Defeated, he said, "I'll get out of your hair for awhile, then". I asked what that meant and he said, "I'll go pack my stuff". As soon as he walked away I was filled with regret, and so, I went after him. I grabbed him and hugged him and cried, then he cried too. I told him to stay and I'd ask his mom to keep the baby so we could talk and figure it out. My husband said, "No." He said that he really needed to fix this because he loves me. I told him that I wish he'd love himself. He said, "That's kinda hard to do right now". So, he's going back to his mom's until Friday night. Part of me is proud of him for choosing to be uncomfortable. Another part of me worries about this causing relapses. Luckily, his mom is onboard with the whole nofap notion, and hopefully, she'll keep him busy if he's not. In the mean time, I'm still coming up with some ideas to help us as a couple. And how do you strengthen yourself to handle the relapses that happen during a reboot? It's like having a moment of weakness and eating a pint of ice cream during a diet...only...that doesnt hurt anyone but you. Well, unless the pint of ice cream belonged to your SO (who was looking forward to eating it) and you ate it anyway. I've stollen food from my husband many a time. Maybe I should try to think of relapses like that. I stole his bag of Combos. He stole my chance for some intimacy. Touché. Yeah, no, it don't work like that. It still hurts, but I gotta try not to take it personal....so long as he keeps trying.
     
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  5. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    My husband is at his 2nd SA meeting as I type this. I told him last Friday that I expected him to go to at least 2 meetings a week. The consequence for not going is having to go to extra meetings, and then if he misses THOSE meetings....the consequence is separation (i.e. he stays with his mom or anywhere but here). He accepted, and so, he is at a meeting tonight and he's got a 2nd one picked for tomorrow. I can sense a bit of resentment from him about having to go. But he told me he wants to do this for him. I'm not that naive. I still suspect that he's mostly doing this until it "blows over" and that I'm so wrapped up with other things I let it slide. I hope I'm wrong. He's reading a book for the meeting that he went to and he was telling me about it tonight. He said there's a passage in the book that talks about how people with SA often blame their partners for their addiction. He added that the book mentions that it's not the partner's fault. I asked him if he ever felt in the smallest way that his SA was my fault, and he said, "yeah, I did until I started all this" (i.e. the 1 meeting and the conference calls). In part, I respect his honesty, but a bigger part of me feels like it's bullshit. First off, he had SA before meeting me, so how is it my fault? Second, it almost felt like he was taking a jab at me because deep down he doesnt want to go. Or, am I reading this all wrong and just being overtly pessimistic? I don't know. When talking to him about his progress, he feels that he is making good strides. He says he hasn't looked at porn in about 15 days, I guess. He said he's had a few sexual dreams though and that he felt it was his brains way of lamenting its lack of dopamine and he just went to the bathroom and read the book from his meeting. I didn't know how to respond to all that, but again I suspect bullshit. Somewhere I read/heard that an "addict" is like 2 people in one. I wonder if the "addict" is the one feeding me this bullshit---because secretly he wants to tell me to F off and leave him with his porn---but my husband actually wants to try to stop so he puts a filter on the "addict". If this whole "2 people" thing is true....at what point does the actual person start overpowering the addict? I know it takes time for real progress to happen and I just hope we both hang in there to see it.
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My husband has said it’s like having a voice talk to you and you’re not sure who’s voice it is. For instance his voice will tell him that he “ needs to post this on twitter for work” that’s true. Then the voice says “ just look at the news since your already on Twitter, ok still not bad, voice says oh look how good your doing, you don’t have a problem, it’s fine. Click on the tweet..... and then he’s looking at bikini models , well the voice says , it’s not porn and your not masturbating, you’re doing fine. That voice takes him down the rabbit home. He has to learn to recognize his triggers... Twitter is a huge trigger for my husband, so 8 months ago he told his boss that he would not handle any twitter posts , he assigned it to an intern.
     
  7. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday was rough...for him. He was sent home from work because of an argument with his foreman, who's a big bully, and the argument upset him so much he told his boss he was putting in his "2 weeks". Luckily, his boss likes him and calmed him down. After letting my husband vent about the ordeal, I told him not to go threatening quitting his job when he's got a wife and a baby. Anyway, since the moment he called and told me about it...part of me wondered if his high level of distress over the incident had anything to do with him trying to wean off the porn. In fact, the thought worried me a lot. I later asked my husband if this whole situation with his foreman made him want to go look at porn. My husband replied "No, it made me want to take a pipe wrench to someone's head". And he promised no urge for porn in this situation. I'm still worried about the stress causing a relapse though. He told me just before bed that he's worried about going back to work now. I'm thankful for the communication. I'm also thankful that he went to another meeting last night. He plans on going to the Tuesday and Wednesday meetings every week. He also was given info about a accountaibilty partner and he plans to follow up with that at the next meeting. All this makes me hopeful.
     
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  8. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    So, this entry will be about me. I keep having a lot of pessimistic thoughts about my relationship and I need to get them out. I'm filled with doubts about its longevity. These passed 2 weeks that he's been home, I've caught myself being short with him. My level of sass towards him has increased. His responses to me are different too. He seems to get annoyed with me. Whereas, before, we've never really faught and we keep things pretty light. We're both pretty calm people who don't like conflict. Well, for my part, I think I'm just fed up with being lied to so I'm suspicious of everything he says and does, so my reactions to him are different. I worry about it getting worse and I worry that we'll start having these petty fights. Is this just because of the betrayal or is it par for the course In a relationship? Come August, we'll have been together 3 years, so maybe some of it is normal post-honeymoon-stage relationship stuff. It also doesn't help that my husband's PA isn't the only stress factor in my life. I'm a middle school art teacher on maternity leave that has to go back in 2 weeks to a classroom where the student's have trashed the art supplies left for them and over 30 of them are failing art for not doing the work I left. So, I'll be doing damage control at home AND work soon. Worst of all, I don't have child care figured out yet. I refuse to put my 2 month old in daycare or leave him with a stranger (probably couldn't afford it anyway). My mom was going to come stay with us and take care of him when I go back, but that fell through. Her health is pretty poor and since the baby has been born...we've found out just how poor it is. She's really disappointed in herself for it and I feel pretty helpless. My mother-in-law--whose clinginess to my child irritates the hell out of me--Is willing to watch him, but on her terms. We live about 40 minutes from each other and she's unwilling to drive to my house everyday by 7am and I'm unwilling to drive to hers. The option of leaving my baby to spend 5 nights with her a week is not an option I want...the woman's clingy enough. I've been so desperate to have my baby taken care of how I want that I considered telling my husband to quit his job and be a stay at home dad. But I have since decided that that was a bad idea. I don't know what to do. But I sure find myself regretting my life decisions these days. Between a husband with PA, a father-in-law who calls asking for money and an overly clingy mother-in-law who thinks I'm overreacting to the whole porn thing...
    I been thinking: "What did I marry into?"
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  9. I'm an addict in recovery, SLAA not SA, but I am familiar enough with SA and recovery to say that I see a lot of good signs in what you have written.

    That's great that he's going to meetings and that he's already made plans to attend two of them regularly.

    As for his bad day at work, I hope that you will feel zero guilt or uncertainty about "pushing" him into recovery. You are helping him to get the help that he needs. Period. If he has a bad day, the worst thing that you could do is go easy on him about his addiction or letting him off the hook. A bad day might be exactly what he needs to drive him further into recovery. The best response for an addict who has had a bad day is to go to a meeting where he can get help from other addicts and to invest that much more energy into furthering his recovery.

    It's also good to see your last post where you were looking at your stuff, rather than focusing on his stuff.

    Have you considered looking into S-Anon of CoSA? It might be incredibly helpful for you to meet with other women (and men?) whose partners suffer from porn and sex addiction.

    Best of luck to you!
     
    SideKickSideChick likes this.
  10. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    I told my husband a few weeks ago that I would "check-in" with him every other Sunday about his addiction. I had told him that I didnt want to bring it up at every turn and that I didnt want our relationship to be centered around it. So, today was a check-in. My husband, on his own, already brings up points about his addiction from time to time and I feel this is a good thing. Today, while we were watching Hoarders (which is not something we watch BTW it just happened), my husband says: "I hate to say it but this show reminds me of my addiction." Most of the people on Hoarders seem to have become a hoarder after the death of someone they loved, so I asked him if it was because of that. He said he hasn't really lost anyone but his exgirlfriend (who may have been the epicenter of his PA). Mentions of his ex always give me pause so I didn't ask him to elaborate on his comment but I'm guessing that the compulsions with PA and hoarding may be similar. IDK. Anyway, I later asked him how he was handling his PA. He said he hasn't masterbated or looked at any porn...other than images that had popped up on Facebook. He also said that his hardest time with it so far was an ad on Facebook that tempted him with hentai. But he blocked the ad. He said it hurts him that I worry about him looking at porn when he's upstairs alone with his computer. It hurts him that he's lost my trust and he's trying his best to earn it back day by day. I have noticed changes in his daily routines. For one, he's around me more and goes upstairs less. I told him I'm proud of his efforts because I've heard how hard this addiction is to beat. I am proud and thankful because I've read on this site how a lot of other's SO's aren't so proactive. I'm proud but I'm also suspicious of what he says. How do I really know that he's not looking at P or P-subs? He went into detail telling me the things he does to deflect the urges and distract himself. Part of me believes him whole-heartedly. The other part thinks he might just be a really good liar. Still, he's going to 2 meetings a week and I just hope it continues to strengthen his resolve. However, he did (basically) ask me if he could put his nude female figurines back in his display case---which are in a box in the garage that was supposed to be thrown out. I, of course, said no, but the fact that he mentioned it makes me worry that he's getting a little lackadaisical about recovery. Oh, what a rollercoaster we're on.
     
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  11. Just my two cents:
    you started with separation early on and there is now not much room for you to escalate in case of relapse or anything.
    I think it is necessary to solve the situation together and to also support him when he relapses - it will happen, and maybe often - you don't want to throw him out each time and you don't want him to lie to you to avoid being thrown out. He will feel low when it happens and even more when you oust him. Unfortunately, PMO can be a quick fix cure the depressed mood. I think it is best to eventually evolve to a situation of trust, where you try to help him and he will tell you of his own accord that he relapsed because he knows that you will help him to get back on track and to fight this adiction.
    On another thought: This is you and him - that you told his mother showed him how serious this is for you, so it is good that she knows - however, it is _your_ relationship and this means that, eventually, only you two are able to solve problems in your relationship together.

    (obviously, I am no psychologist and I see that you have expert advise, which is very good. Please keep in mind though that this is your life and never forget what you want for your life. If you want a future together with him, avoid going down a path that makes separation more likely. It is very good to get expert advise. Just remember, that the final decision to take (or not) the advise (and to bear its consequences) is only your responsibility.)

    Another thing I noticed: You say very often that you don't trust him. Trust however, is the basis of every relationship. I can only recommend that you show your trust to him. He should not feel your distrust but he should feel that you are with him. He is doing good efforts. Give him that credit and show him that it makes you happy. It will mean a lot to him to know that you trust him and that he can count on you. He will pay it back to you. I am quite sure on that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2020
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    No. Just no. You do not trust an addict until he has proven through actions and honesty that he is trustworthy. Truthfully, as much as porn addicts hate to hear this, they are lucky any spouse chooses to try and work through this addiction. It is devastating and life altering. Separation is for her safety. This addiction changes both the addict and the betrayed spouse. She needs to take care of herself while he works on getting into recoverY. Trust is the foundation of all relationships, but trusting someone who has proven to be untrustworthy is not the answer. Rebuilding the trust you’ve destroyed through actions is what needs to happen.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  13. I fear that, in a situation where his mother thinks that the spouse is exaggerating her concerns about PMO and separation always in the air as a very real option, the PA might take an egoistic decision in a low moment and this will affect the child, the mother and himself very negatively. She has to take decisions very wisely because it is not about two adults but there is a child involved.

    I have read somewhere that 90% of all males consume porn. This number can not be an excuse for any individual case, indeed it shows the incredible problem the society is facing, but among these are also happy marriages of couples that cope together.

    People are different, so I can only speak for myself as example: I know that I have a problem and I have often fallen back. It has made me feel low and destroyed opportunities, but I always get up on my feet and try to win again.
    My wife maybe takes the other extreme because she thinks that porn is in the nature of men - I think she is wrong there, but essentially she knows from what I told her that I suffer and she tries to help me. This is one reason why I would tell her everything. I don't always tell her of a relapse but might try to fight back alone, because I don't want to hurt her, but if she would ask me I would tell her, because I love her.
    On that basis, I can trust her and she can trust me. I am trying hard but sometimes I had a relapse and I always regret it.

    I know it is not optimal and it would be better if I would have been stronger, but it is a basis on which we can have a relationship and raise our kids together.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2020
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I agree completely with you here! However, because she has a child involved she needs to take care of herself first and foremost, then her child, and then her husband. It is his job to get clean. This addiction can spiral out of control putting both her and her child at risk. Ironically, I consider myself fortunate. . I chose to stay because of my children. I’ve been married for 28 yeas ( in 4 days, lol, but close enough). My husband never escalated to cam girls, or escorts/affairs, which is all too common. Staying with an addict can be every bit as detrimental as divorcing one. Either way, the children will only thrive if she can take care of herself.
     
  15. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    My therapist told me that people who have addictions usually have more than one--there's usually two. If I was to venture a guess "gaming" would be my husband's other addiction. That has never been more apparent than it is now. My husband's been out of work for about two weeks because he lied and told his job that he may have been exposed to COVID19. I have 3 family members who have it and he told his boss that he had been over to see them recently. Not true, but my husband says he's worried about bringing the virus home to me and the baby. So, he's been home with me while I'm doing the whole "online teaching" thing. It's helpful having him here to take care of the baby while I'm working, but he constantly has a device in his hand. It's either his phone or his nintendo--sometimes both. He uses it while feeding the baby or entertaining the baby. When the baby is sleeping, he's playing on his computer. And despite what he tells me about his fears of catching the virus on the job site, mostly I think he just wanted to be home to play his games. I also think the increase in his game play is a way of distracting him from the urge to look at porn, but he's still just escaping reality. Me and the baby and work (when he's there) are his reality. I told him I feel like he's trying to escape us. He told me he feels like, with me, he can't do anything right. He had been going to 2 meetings a week, but those were canceled because of the virus. He's been doing teleconferences, still--for one meeting, at least.....I have to remind him to do a 2nd one as part of our agreement. I'm weary. I can feel how our relationship is shifting. Being intimate with each other is starting to feel like a chore. Maybe it's because he's been home all the time, recently, so I'm kinda sick of him. And, maybe I resent him for using my family as an excuse to get out of work, but more and more I just don't know if our relationship can withstand all of this. I don't know if I can. I'm so disappointed, but I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. I knew all these things about him before deciding to marry him. I guess it's true what they say....."marriage doesn't fix the problem it exacerbates them". I didn't marry him because I was trying to fix a problem. I married him because we made the decision to buy a house together (for the baby) and I thought...what's the difference (signing papers for a house/signing a marriage license)? Isn't that romantic? I married him, of course, also because I love him. But he's not the only guy I love anymore. My son is a game changer. Before he was born, I would think to myself that I could endure the occasional hurt for the sake of our relationship and my love for (my then) boyfriend. Now, I think....what kind of example does that set for my son? If I let myself be a doormat for a man...will he grow up to think he can walk all over a woman? Will he allow people to walk all over him? Will he have an addiction as well? Ultimately, I believe it's impossible not to screw up a kid in some kind of way, but I have to do everything I can to minimize the damage. Divorce can be quite damaging, as well, and it's such a dirty word. It's a word I hope I don't ever use, but right now I'm sure not feeling optimistic.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yes, most do have multiple addictions or will switch the addiction when the quit the primary one. Someone who gets into recovery however, will recognize what they are doing. My husband could also get lost in video games. I pointed out that he started playing a lot more when he quit using porn. He talked about it in group ( this was early on) and they agreed with me that he may be using games to escape. So he put a “ time” limit on his game use. He will also ask me if I have any plans, or would I mind if he played a bit. In his group of 6 all except my husband, have multiple addictions they are trying to quit.
     
  17. SideKickSideChick

    SideKickSideChick Fapstronaut

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    He has made some real efforts---sticking to our agreement of going to 2 SAA meetings a week and limiting his screen time. But it's started picking up again. I feel him withdrawing more and gaming more and I worry more about what else he's doing. He claims he's been porn free....though he did buy an erotica book recently, but I let that slide. Last night I mentioned to him how him staying up while I sleep (for 2 nights each week) bothers me. I told him it makes me feel alone and I worry about him doing more than gaming. He told me I can check his history anytime. I mentioned "incognito mode" and he got this sort of startled look on his face and acted like he didn't know what that was. I suddenly got the feeling he's lying. And now I'm laying in bed alone wondering if he's been looking at porn in "incognito mode" and lying to me and the people is his SAA groups. This wondering led me to Google how to check for "incognito mode" browsing history. If I look and find something, we're gonna have a big problem. If I look and find nothing, I'll probably still be suspicious. If I don't look, I'll just keep on wondering. Sometimes I wish I could just be oblivious to his behaviors and all-trusting...
     

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