There is still an US and I am more in love than ever. How to unpack the last month, it's a story. A story my husband and I will look back on one day and say, I'm glad we didn't quit. About a month ago, I started doing some internal work with journaling childhood memories. I hadn't been able to remember since before I was 14 my whole adult life. I tried everything I could and nothing worked. As I started writing more and more stuff starting coming up. Horrible things. To say what I remembered totally screwed up my head, is an understatement. I'm still trying to process it all, but trying to do it alone with out professional help was a mistake. Everything started triggering me. I felt like I was spinning. Over the course of a few weeks, my husband and I were each doing internal reflection and work, we both were working our jobs, finances were hard, trying to get the house ready to sell, two kiddos on summer break, band camp, meetings....it was the perfect storm. He was breaking some boundaries, which meant he had to sleep on the couch and we weren't connecting at night (when we have the most time to be together during the day) And when we did talk neither of us could hear each other. A little over a week ago my husband did some hard disclosures over the span of a few days. The first disclosure, I didn't think at the time as one really. It was an explanation of a few things that stemmed from his first engagement. It ended up hitting me harder than I thought it would because I still was wrestling with (I did our whole marriage) feeling second pick. Second pick to his first finance. That I was just a person to try and make her jealous and someone he was trying to make me be. That's what I thought at least. A few days later another disclosure. Some tough stuff and looking back now, we both realize I wasn't ready or able to hear it. It was like stacking bricks in a mind that was already messed up from things I had learned about my past, not hearing him fully, and just sheer stress of the previous weeks. Sunday before last, I sat in a room and just tried to put facts and pieces together the best I could. I started to not feel safe or truly loved. So, I asked him if he would leave. Writing that makes my heart sink. I thought at the time, based on what I thought I knew, it was what I had to do. I tried to be strong for the kids, but I was utterly lost when he walked out the door. That night I had to take off the comforter and remove his pillow from the bed, because all I could do was smell him and my heart hurt. I have never cried so hard in my life. In the dark so no one could see me. Over the next few says my husband and I talked on the phone and text message. The more we talked the more things became clear. I had made a mistake on asking him to leave. What I thought I knew, wasn't what I knew. But we had a bit of a problem. Our 16 year old daughter was almost holding me hostage to my decision to ask her dad to leave. She started using it to her advantage to manipulate me and get her way over the time he was gone. My 10 year old son, wasn't doing well. He wanted his dad back so bad he would jump every time the door opened thinking it was him. My husband and I meet at Mcdonalds a couple times and it was amazing. You know when you kiss and it's like not lust or anything, but pure heart exploding - you are the one type kiss? Yeah that in the McDonald's parking lot. My husband decided that he was going to set us a time to talk each night at 8:00pm and it was brilliant. What was suppose to be just 30 minutes was literally almost 5 hours for a couple nights in a row. We have never talked in person, much less over the phone that long...like ever. What was amazing is we actually TALKED. He listened, I listened and we finally started to understand each other. The night before he came back home, I was trying to think of a way to sneak him in the house haha. We were trying to wait until we thought our daughter was ready. The next day, he went to the grocery store for me and we met to exchange. I didn't have two of the items he purchased on my list. Gatorade and Ketchup. My daughter helped me unload the groceries and looked at me and asked if I had gatorade and ketchup on the list. I told her no and she started balling, looked at me and said dad can come home. The moment my husband walked back in the door, everything was right again. We have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do. We also learned that disclosures have to be planned and with the help of a therapist, AP or someone. The past few days, I look at him and feel differently now. I feel 1st and that I have always been 1st. It's me, him & us.