Me, Him & Us

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by IamOlive, Aug 13, 2019.

  1. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    There is still an US and I am more in love than ever.

    How to unpack the last month, it's a story. A story my husband and I will look back on one day and say, I'm glad we didn't quit.

    About a month ago, I started doing some internal work with journaling childhood memories. I hadn't been able to remember since before I was 14 my whole adult life. I tried everything I could and nothing worked.

    As I started writing more and more stuff starting coming up. Horrible things.

    To say what I remembered totally screwed up my head, is an understatement. I'm still trying to process it all, but trying to do it alone with out professional help was a mistake. Everything started triggering me. I felt like I was spinning.

    Over the course of a few weeks, my husband and I were each doing internal reflection and work, we both were working our jobs, finances were hard, trying to get the house ready to sell, two kiddos on summer break, band camp, was the perfect storm.

    He was breaking some boundaries, which meant he had to sleep on the couch and we weren't connecting at night (when we have the most time to be together during the day) And when we did talk neither of us could hear each other.

    A little over a week ago my husband did some hard disclosures over the span of a few days. The first disclosure, I didn't think at the time as one really. It was an explanation of a few things that stemmed from his first engagement. It ended up hitting me harder than I thought it would because I still was wrestling with (I did our whole marriage) feeling second pick. Second pick to his first finance. That I was just a person to try and make her jealous and someone he was trying to make me be. That's what I thought at least.

    A few days later another disclosure. Some tough stuff and looking back now, we both realize I wasn't ready or able to hear it.

    It was like stacking bricks in a mind that was already messed up from things I had learned about my past, not hearing him fully, and just sheer stress of the previous weeks.

    Sunday before last, I sat in a room and just tried to put facts and pieces together the best I could. I started to not feel safe or truly loved. So, I asked him if he would leave. Writing that makes my heart sink. I thought at the time, based on what I thought I knew, it was what I had to do.

    I tried to be strong for the kids, but I was utterly lost when he walked out the door. That night I had to take off the comforter and remove his pillow from the bed, because all I could do was smell him and my heart hurt. I have never cried so hard in my life. In the dark so no one could see me.

    Over the next few says my husband and I talked on the phone and text message. The more we talked the more things became clear. I had made a mistake on asking him to leave. What I thought I knew, wasn't what I knew.

    But we had a bit of a problem. Our 16 year old daughter was almost holding me hostage to my decision to ask her dad to leave. She started using it to her advantage to manipulate me and get her way over the time he was gone.

    My 10 year old son, wasn't doing well. He wanted his dad back so bad he would jump every time the door opened thinking it was him.

    My husband and I meet at Mcdonalds a couple times and it was amazing. You know when you kiss and it's like not lust or anything, but pure heart exploding - you are the one type kiss? Yeah that in the McDonald's parking lot.

    My husband decided that he was going to set us a time to talk each night at 8:00pm and it was brilliant. What was suppose to be just 30 minutes was literally almost 5 hours for a couple nights in a row.

    We have never talked in person, much less over the phone that ever. What was amazing is we actually TALKED. He listened, I listened and we finally started to understand each other.

    The night before he came back home, I was trying to think of a way to sneak him in the house haha. We were trying to wait until we thought our daughter was ready.

    The next day, he went to the grocery store for me and we met to exchange. I didn't have two of the items he purchased on my list. Gatorade and Ketchup.

    My daughter helped me unload the groceries and looked at me and asked if I had gatorade and ketchup on the list. I told her no and she started balling, looked at me and said dad can come home.

    The moment my husband walked back in the door, everything was right again. We have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do. We also learned that disclosures have to be planned and with the help of a therapist, AP or someone.

    The past few days, I look at him and feel differently now. I feel 1st and that I have always been 1st.

    It's me, him & us.
  2. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. Beautiful story. Please tell me this is not your only entry....I need a whole lot more background details and hear how he approaches your relationship.

    What was fixed unfixed ? How did you learn to give each other grace ? The kids part wow. How did they take the return?
    IamOlive likes this.
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Glad to have you back and glad to see that things are moving in a positive direction. :emoji_hearts:
    hope4healing, kropo82 and IamOlive like this.
  4. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I don’t want to speak for him on how he approaches our relationship. My husband is @MisterDirection, if you want to read his journal as well.

    During recovery it I think is natural for both people to shift blame. There is so much hurt, shame and confusion it’s hard to look at yourself.

    Grace comes, at least I have found this week, when you remove the blame. You accept that we both contributed to the state of our marriage. You start listening to the other person and looking at your part.

    Until this happens true growth and healing, I don’t believe can happen.
    budvap, Nugget9 and need4realchg like this.
  5. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yes we have talked !! Oh wow! My eyes just bugged out !
    IamOlive likes this.
  6. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    8 years ago I had cancer.

    I didn't realize until this morning how much my behavior has been influenced by this one event. I thought I was just extremely weird and OCD. It hit me like a thunderclap where my compulsive obsession about my health is primarily stemming from.

    My husband's stepfather was just diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple days ago. Him and his doctors had been watching and waiting for a few years before doing a biopsy.

    We were talking about it bed this morning and I made a comment, without thinking, that it worries me because I felt when it comes to health my husband and his mom were on one extreme and I was on the other. I implied they blindly just follow doctors and are not advocates for their health care.

    Insert foot in mouth. I could tell my husband was hurt and upset. I had just globalized and told him his feelings. Judged him and his mom. It was unfair.

    I was trying to smooth things over but that didn't help because I couldn't figure out where this was coming from with me. I was going in circles and making things worse.

    My husband could tell and gently said let's stop this conversation before we get in a fight. I went outside and sat down and it hit me.

    8 1/2 years ago, I went to the doctor because I was having female issues and just not feeling well in general. I had gone in before and was told that I was just stressed. But on this one particular instance the gyno was feeling my neck and looked at me and said let's get some tests run. Within a of couple days I was having blood work done and ultrasounds.


    So off to endo I went. He sent me for a needle biopsy.


    So off I went to an ENT. The ENT felt that my risk for having cancer was extremely low and didn't feel the need to do a surgical biopsy. Said we could watch and wait but it was ultimately my call.

    Before I had left the office, I had made up my mind. I wanted to do the surgical biopsy. My gut was telling me that's what I needed to do.

    I told everyone what the doctor had said and they all thought I should just do what he said to do. I felt very alone, hypochondriac, and crazy. My husband and I had a fight and he was pretty upset that I was thinking about doing the surgery.

    I remember leaving the house and going up to the Church and just laying under the cross outside, praying. Praying for a very long time. I was so confused on what I was suppose to do. It was a risky surgery and everyone was telling me not to do it that the doctor said he didn't feel I had cancer.

    As I laid there praying, a peace came over me. In a moment, I knew that I had to do the surgery. I believe God was with me that night and leading me on the right path. I leaned in and I listened.

    On the day of my surgery, my mom and mother in law were there. My husband didn't come, he went to work and did with the kids.

    After the surgery was over and I was in recovery, the doctor went and told my mom and mother-in-law that I did okay and he was for sure that I didn't have cancer, but we would wait for the results to come in.

    I remember my mother coming in and telling me what the doctor said and fussing at me for jumping into a surgery that wasn't needed. I looked at her and as insane as I felt, I told her let's just wait for the results. It's not that I wanted to have cancer to prove everyone wrong, it's I knew in my heart and that God was telling me I needed to do this.

    The wait is brutal. Absolutely brutal.

    I was home alone with the kids when I got this call. I went outside in the driveway to hear what the doctor had to say. I don't think you are every prepared to hear those words, you have cancer. I fell to my knees outside and started balling. He kept talking about how what type I had was not common and was made up of 2 variants. If not caught before age 40, it could have metastasized all over. Each variant went different places in the body.

    I needed someone to talk to. I called my husband and told him I needed him home. While I waited, I called my mom, she said sorry. I called my sister, she said sorry. I called my brother, he said sorry. When my husband got home and I told him, he said "I'm glad we have insurance." To lighten the mood, but from that day forward, I have felt no one cared about if I lived or died or if I was hurting or scared.

    I felt alone in this fight.

    Fast forward to my second surgery, I went with a different doctor and had to travel a couple of hours for the surgery. My mom went with me. My husband stayed home to work and do with the kids.

    When I woke up out of surgery, it was quiet. No one was in the room. I remember feeling utterly scared. I couldn't move my neck and I was so out of it. After a few minutes when I got lucid, I picked up the phone and called my mom.

    She wasn't even at the hospital. She had left before I was out to go out to dinner with a friend of hers.

    No one had been there as I had my cancer removed and my neck sliced open. No one had been there when I came out of surgery.

    When my mom got back to the hospital room, I was so upset and mad. Instead of comforting me, I got fussed at for being selfish.

    Just more proof in my mind that I was worthless. I didn't mean a hill of beans to anyone.

    Over the following 8 years, my health has increasingly declined. I decided this was my punishment for having an abortion. I was going to die young, alone and unloved. So I lived by planning to die for 8 years. I just needed to make it long enough for the kids to get out of school and be on their own.

    I became (still am) compulsive about anything wrong with me. I do loads of research and question everything. Need to know something about the body and diseases? Ask me, I've probably researched it.

    This came from 1. the doctor and family that told me it would be okay to wait and not have surgical biopsy, if I had listened I could be sitting here at 41 with cancer all over my body 2. I wanted to "catch" anything early to delay me dying so the kids could take care of themselves and things would be paid off for my husband.

    Because I felt second pick to in my husband's eyes, felt unable to live up to the expectations of P, feeling like an orgasm, unwanted & unloved I tried to keep the "big" kill you soon type things on watch, but my daily self care I really could care less. I thought what's the point. There are so many things I have put off doing because I again feel what's the point, I don't have much time to live.

    I really don't want to live like this anymore. Living to die and planning to die.

    I don't have control and I can't try to play God. I'm letting moments go by and missing life and happiness.

    How to work through this as it's cuts really deep, not really sure, but I think I'll start by combing my hair and un-bookmarking online medical research sites.
    Nugget9 and need4realchg like this.
  7. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I read this heartbreaking and precious account and it’s a beautifully written story. I can’t imagine dealing with this level of stress alone. I can’t imagine how much you have had to grow in silence. Your mother, your family, your husband.

    Your faith is a magnitude 10 now. I am grateful to have followed and thank you for sharing.
  8. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    I think about my habit of cracking g jokes all the time.

    It truly was just to lighten the mood but I am working on being less flippant , especially with stuff like this.

    I love you
  9. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    It's been a few weeks since I've posted. A lot has been going on. I've learned a good bit about myself and my relationships.

    As SOs I think it's easy to get focused in on betrayal trauma, P & M and our triggers. Is there hurt, trauma, betrayal, absolutely. Are there triggers, yup loads. However, we sometimes spend time over analyzing every little detail and living in the past. We sometimes make assumptions. I know I have been. Man it's hard, right? Instead of looking at the present, hearing and seeing what is right in front of you NOW, you automatically associate to past experiences and tell others what they are feeling/doing. It's natural, especially when there is building of trust going on.

    But I'm learning that staying stuck in the past, not doing your own work, and not learning how to truly communicate keeps recovery going in circles.

    Relationships are made up of two people, two sets of feelings, two experiences, two childhoods...two everything. Taking responsibility for our roles in the relationship is important. We all have our own shit we need to work on. Ive said it before, but after going through my parents being in the Bahamas during a Cat 5 hurricane, my sister shutting me out after I put up boundaries, my own anxiety & has hit me even more. I got tons of stuff to work on and I can't expect my husband to be the only one doing the work. It just doesn't work that way.
  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    Very good point, @IamOlive. When your life is constantly falling apart, and it seems like the only way out is death, it's easy to become a very unpleasant person. I noticed how I would spend my days arguing, yelling, crying and I came to a point where I couldn't stand myself. Sometimes I think, ok, this relationship might fall apart because of his choices, but I'll be damned if it falls apart due to my lack of self control and respect.
  11. So agree--ideally a certified sex addiction therapist.
    So sorry for your pain and the roller coaster of emotions/hurt as you continue your journey to a new/better relationship with your husband. My wife and I survived disclosure years ago. Wasn't easy to say the least. She once asked me "Did you ever think about me when you did..."--and that question made me realize that "I did not"--never. I only thought of myself because I was a master at compartmentalizing. No more! Love can survive these painful acts of betrayal if both are committed to growth/progress/forgiveness. A new marriage emerges. Good for you for having boundaries too! Very important to hold us accountable. Peace.
    need4realchg and Lilla_My like this.
  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Man your voice is sorely needed here and the ladies would likely appreciate your experience.
  13. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    Tested...this is how I am feeling right now. Do you ever feel like when you start recovery and working on yourself things pop up almost to taunt you? Like hahaha let's see if you are learning anything and let's see how strong you really are.

    Yeah, this is going to be one of those types of posts. Not a pity party but a just I'm pissed off and need to talk it out.

    This stuff is hard. Looking in the mirror and trying to work on yourself somedays feels impossible. Like a game of whacka mole. Trying to find balance. I seem to not be able to keep all the balls in the air at one time. I use to say I was good at it juggling things, but I don't think I ever was. My husband calls it a house of cards.

    I started going to Al-anon about a month ago because I was spinning and needed help. My mom started drinking again, my sister is stuck in addict mode, my father lord knows, my daughter pushing buttons, work partner using a lot more, financing going in the toilet, weight going up fast, anxiety out the roof..the list goes on.

    I sat down this morning to work on my 12 step Al-anon book and pray and I got stuck in the thoughts of why. Why do more because it's just going to keep things hitting faster and harder. Testing. I pushed past those thoughts and did the work anyway.

    I'm realizing this is a pattern for me and a cycle. I am my own worst enemy. I'll start to the work and this happens. I feel tested and things get overwhelming and hard. Typically, I'll just slip back into old patterns of trying to control outcomes, keep the piece and keep shit from hitting the fan. I'm trying really really hard not to go there right now. The house of cards is swaying and I feel like even a light breeze will make it fall.

    I have to keep going. I have to be strong. I can't go backwards.
    TooMuchTooSoon and need4realchg like this.
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I read your story, I just cannot fathom going through something like that alone. Just the birth of my son I had 17 family members in the waiting room! Isn’t it amazing how when God speaks to you , you know it?! I admire you for not just listening to your doctor. They aren’t always right. I’m horrible about just trusting what my doctor says.
    IamOlive and need4realchg like this.
  15. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    My husband reached 180 days today. So proud of him!!!!
    Psalm27:1my light and mrtumnus like this.
  16. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    Thank you for support.

    Although my counter diesnt roll till later this morning.

    I dont have any earth shattering realizations. Only that I love you more everyday and will continue to try and show you that daily.
    Psalm27:1my light and mrtumnus like this.
  17. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

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  18. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    As I keep going back to Al-anon, working the steps and freeform journaling more and more memories are coming to the surface from when I was young. Ones that really make me mad and ones that send prickles up my spin.

    My thoughts start to spin. I realize that I reacted to certain situations in my marriage and life because of those things that happened to me. Then I start to question, if I had not been so sensitive and triggered would my husband not have going down the path of PM addiction.

    I know the saying. We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, we can’t cure it.

    But it’s hard not to go down that thought process of did I do this to myself.
  19. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut


    I DONT remember asking your permission to hide and PMO and have an emotional affair and be a general right lazy ass dick of a father and husband.

    You claim your stuff as it comes and let me carry my stuff, that's the only way we work

    Love you more
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Omg, I’m so glad u responded! I think we, as women, tend to feel we are to blame for almost anything that goes wrong. For instance, I’ve never once thought I was to blame for his addiction, lol, my first dday I was like “ I knew it wasn’t me!!You’re the screwed up one!” Lol. However , I’ve often blamed myself for any damage to my kids that was caused by staying with my husband and everything that is “ wrong” with my kids I blame myself. Not their absent porn addicted dad, lol. Because he’s the addict so doesn’t know how to be a good parent , right? Although I know that in leaving that would definitely have caused damage. Then I think, what if I’d kicked him out 17 years ago instead of just detaching and making the best of it? Would he have gotten help then rather than now? He says probably not. But who knows? I just repeat the mantra “ I only control me and my actions” . He makes his own choices.

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