Me, Porn and my HOCD

ZedTom · Aug 28, 2019

*NOTE* : Trigger warning.
This is going to be very long text. Idk if anyone will read it, but I would be so much grateful to get at least one single answer. Thank you so much.
Also, please excuse my grammar mistakes. I don't speak english so good.

Hey guys,
I'm totally new here.
I would like to say hello and introduce myself.

So, my name's Tom, I'm 20 years old guy who is most of his life lonely and sort of introverted. I'm still a virgin, only kissed a girl once. Due to my loneliness I'm used to talk to myself and overthinking almost everything.
The reason I signed up here is that I'm kind of struggling with HOCD.

I started watching porn when I was about 10 - 12 years old ( I don't remember exactly ). At start, I didn't need porn so much. I was watching only when there was a chance - at home on our computer, so I was used to masturbate without it too.

When I was about 13 years old, I got my first smartphone. And that was ultimate revolution. Suddenly I was able to watch porn almost anywhere and anytime I wanted, and I liked it a lot.
Honestly, since I got the phone, I absolutely can't remember one single masturbation, for which I didn't use pornography.. every wank there was porn. I remember I loved watching regular straight sex between a man and a woman. Later I came across a new sensations - two beautiful women together, FFM threesome, etc..
The main thing is that all my life I have been crazy for women - I always loved their tanned boddies, their beautiful smooth legs, thighs, ass, breasts, lips.. simply every part of woman's body can drive me wild. Absolutely never in my life looked at guys nor thinking if I like them or how would it feel to be gay. Never. Even while watching porn.

For all those years I was used to masturbate nearly every day, sometimes twice, rarely even three times a day. But last about six months I was realising that watching regular sex isn't as fun and exciting as before. I wasn't so much horny, orgasms were weaker, cums were poor.. So I started to watch more and more perverted and fetish porn, from which I was always disgusted or not excited - for ex. pissing, footfetish, swingers, lesbians breastfeeding each other etc..

About two months ago, a really weird thing happened to me. I was watching some facial cumshot and BJ compilation and at one moment I got an intrusive - very intrusive thought - I felt like I was actually feeling the penis in my mouth. I wasn't aroused by it, I tried to keep the thought away because it was so weird and uncomfortable for me.
(* Maybe it's important to say that I have slight OCD and I'm getting intrusive thoughts for a big part of my life, but most of the time they didn't bother me and I didn't give a damn about them so much )
The next day was hell on earth. I was at work and all day I was suffering from unbearable anxiety and fear that I'm gay. I was shaking, breathing heavily and I felt heart in my throat. I started looking for answers what's going on - googling, checking a response while looking at guys, watching gay porn..
I got myself into an endless loop : Got scared that I might be gay -> tried to masturbate to guys -> realised it doesn't arouse me and I'm not gay. And after a while again and then again.

After some research on internet I came across with the term HOCD. When I realised that I had the exact symptoms, I felt little bit better. I realised that defending these thoughts will make it even worse, so I truly accepted that I might be gay or bisexual and when I got an intrusive thought about e.g. giving a blowjob to a man, I fully visualised it and was Ok with that. Thanks to this I got much better. I knew that accepting it and giving it a time I would completely cure myself.
I was still curious why this happened to me and after another research I realised that it could be caused by porn addiction. I came across NoFap community a decided to give it a try - no PMO. I was a little bit sceptical that I will keep myself of it because masturbation and porn was a big part of my life.
The first week was Ok, I had almost no urge. Second week was Ok too - I got my first morning wood after a very long time, no big urges, sometimes slight erection. Third week was total flatline - absolutely no urge, no erection and I was feeling that my HOCD and gay thoughts doesn't make any sense and I don't give an attention to them too much. I actually felt pretty good and was determined to keep going and get rid of it completely.
But the 21st day I relapsed. I was really horny and I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to watch porn, so I played some "hypnosis" audio stimulation for hands free orgasm. ( Unfortunately, it's probably some kind of porn too ).
As I was really relaxed thanks to the woman's voice, I started to feel really horny and I felt I'm near to orgasm.
Then another really weird thing happened and things got much worse since then. I don't know if it was an intrusive thought, but at the top level of my horniness I suddenly felt like I'm really aroused by men and I actually want it. It was fucking weird. I didn't fantasise about making out with a man, there was just an image of a man in my head and I was feeling like I'm liking it. I wasn't even defending it, but I felt like complete shit.

After this I started again.. I wanted to know the answer, so for about 2 days I kept masturbating for 2-3 times a day ( only with my imagination - without porn ) and kept searching for re-assurance. When I masturbated, I was naturally thinking about women, but I was able to keep erection when thinking about men too and even was able to ejaculate, but the orgasm was very weird. It felt like my penis isn't connected with my brain. I was able to ejaculate, but at the same time in my head I knew something is not alright. It was like a small, weak myslef who was trying to fight a giant and strong monster.
This worsen my fear and now I'm so confused in my head as never before.
I have two main theories what's going on:

* The horniness mix with intrusive thoughts and my fear of being gay / bi , so my brain is so confused, that I'm actually feeling aroused.
* or I'm actually turning gay or bisexual :-(

Now I'm on 4th day of my second NoFap attempt. I don't feel so great, I keep overthinking and searching for re-assurance.

Ok, it's getting really long, I need to stop here. If you have ANY additional questions, feel free to ask.

I would be so much grateful to hear your opinion on my case. Is my problem induced by porn? Can I turn into gay / bisexual, or is it possible that my weird arousals are fake?
Is there any way to get rid of it and cure myself?

Thank you so much for any response.

Tom

Astro77 · Aug 28, 2019

Hi
firstly I'd like to say your English is so good and you should be proud of your previous nofap streak.
What you're going through sounds very scary and you shouldn't underestimate how difficult it is.
I've never heard about HOCD before but I would say if you never had gay thoughts from a young age, you aren't gay and it's porn playing with your mind, but I'm not an expert I'm just telling you about someone else who knew they were gay from a young age.
You are in control of your mind and I think if you power through a long hard mode of no PMO your body will return to how it was originally when you first started puberty. Your body and mind is very strong.
Then you should get a higher sex drive and will hopefully feel happier. But it will be difficult and could take a long time.
Block all porn, take up new hobbies and there will be painful phases of flatline but eventually you should feel better and get a gf.
My advice is look at some YouTube videos about nofap, lots of people have had different experiences. Hopefully these should ensure you, one of my favourite videos is from Hayden Rose who did hardmode for 7 months.
Find your own way of fighting the urges and you can live your life to the fullest and be happier.
Maybe you could get a lifecoacth, some people find that helps.

romeolima · Sep 2, 2019

Hi Tom

I like you was very introvert during my teenage years and didn't loose my virginity until I was 21. Internet porn wasn't what it was now then and therefore I didn't have the exposure to things that you have but it was a very confusing time for me too.

What I would say is that with porn comes a need to find more unusual sensations to get the same high as you got before. I consider myself to be straight but I've watched gay porn and thoughts about penises.

My wife asked me once if I liked lesbian porn, I said no not really, I preferred my porn to have a penis in it. Hopefully once you rid yourself of the porn your expectations may change.

I haven't read much about porn addiction until recently but can understand what people mean when they talk about resetting.

Good luck

ultrafabber · Sep 6, 2019

ZedTom said: ↑

*NOTE* : Trigger warning.
This is going to be very long text. Idk if anyone will read it, but I would be so much grateful to get at least one single answer. Thank you so much.
Also, please excuse my grammar mistakes. I don't speak english so good.

Hey guys,
I'm totally new here.
I would like to say hello and introduce myself.

So, my name's Tom, I'm 20 years old guy who is most of his life lonely and sort of introverted. I'm still a virgin, only kissed a girl once. Due to my loneliness I'm used to talk to myself and overthinking almost everything.
The reason I signed up here is that I'm kind of struggling with HOCD.

I started watching porn when I was about 10 - 12 years old ( I don't remember exactly ). At start, I didn't need porn so much. I was watching only when there was a chance - at home on our computer, so I was used to masturbate without it too.

When I was about 13 years old, I got my first smartphone. And that was ultimate revolution. Suddenly I was able to watch porn almost anywhere and anytime I wanted, and I liked it a lot.
Honestly, since I got the phone, I absolutely can't remember one single masturbation, for which I didn't use pornography.. every wank there was porn. I remember I loved watching regular straight sex between a man and a woman. Later I came across a new sensations - two beautiful women together, FFM threesome, etc..
The main thing is that all my life I have been crazy for women - I always loved their tanned boddies, their beautiful smooth legs, thighs, ass, breasts, lips.. simply every part of woman's body can drive me wild. Absolutely never in my life looked at guys nor thinking if I like them or how would it feel to be gay. Never. Even while watching porn.

For all those years I was used to masturbate nearly every day, sometimes twice, rarely even three times a day. But last about six months I was realising that watching regular sex isn't as fun and exciting as before. I wasn't so much horny, orgasms were weaker, cums were poor.. So I started to watch more and more perverted and fetish porn, from which I was always disgusted or not excited - for ex. pissing, footfetish, swingers, lesbians breastfeeding each other etc..

About two months ago, a really weird thing happened to me. I was watching some facial cumshot and BJ compilation and at one moment I got an intrusive - very intrusive thought - I felt like I was actually feeling the penis in my mouth. I wasn't aroused by it, I tried to keep the thought away because it was so weird and uncomfortable for me.
(* Maybe it's important to say that I have slight OCD and I'm getting intrusive thoughts for a big part of my life, but most of the time they didn't bother me and I didn't give a damn about them so much )
The next day was hell on earth. I was at work and all day I was suffering from unbearable anxiety and fear that I'm gay. I was shaking, breathing heavily and I felt heart in my throat. I started looking for answers what's going on - googling, checking a response while looking at guys, watching gay porn..
I got myself into an endless loop : Got scared that I might be gay -> tried to masturbate to guys -> realised it doesn't arouse me and I'm not gay. And after a while again and then again.

After some research on internet I came across with the term HOCD. When I realised that I had the exact symptoms, I felt little bit better. I realised that defending these thoughts will make it even worse, so I truly accepted that I might be gay or bisexual and when I got an intrusive thought about e.g. giving a blowjob to a man, I fully visualised it and was Ok with that. Thanks to this I got much better. I knew that accepting it and giving it a time I would completely cure myself.
I was still curious why this happened to me and after another research I realised that it could be caused by porn addiction. I came across NoFap community a decided to give it a try - no PMO. I was a little bit sceptical that I will keep myself of it because masturbation and porn was a big part of my life.
The first week was Ok, I had almost no urge. Second week was Ok too - I got my first morning wood after a very long time, no big urges, sometimes slight erection. Third week was total flatline - absolutely no urge, no erection and I was feeling that my HOCD and gay thoughts doesn't make any sense and I don't give an attention to them too much. I actually felt pretty good and was determined to keep going and get rid of it completely.
But the 21st day I relapsed. I was really horny and I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to watch porn, so I played some "hypnosis" audio stimulation for hands free orgasm. ( Unfortunately, it's probably some kind of porn too ).
As I was really relaxed thanks to the woman's voice, I started to feel really horny and I felt I'm near to orgasm.
Then another really weird thing happened and things got much worse since then. I don't know if it was an intrusive thought, but at the top level of my horniness I suddenly felt like I'm really aroused by men and I actually want it. It was fucking weird. I didn't fantasise about making out with a man, there was just an image of a man in my head and I was feeling like I'm liking it. I wasn't even defending it, but I felt like complete shit.

After this I started again.. I wanted to know the answer, so for about 2 days I kept masturbating for 2-3 times a day ( only with my imagination - without porn ) and kept searching for re-assurance. When I masturbated, I was naturally thinking about women, but I was able to keep erection when thinking about men too and even was able to ejaculate, but the orgasm was very weird. It felt like my penis isn't connected with my brain. I was able to ejaculate, but at the same time in my head I knew something is not alright. It was like a small, weak myslef who was trying to fight a giant and strong monster.
This worsen my fear and now I'm so confused in my head as never before.
I have two main theories what's going on:

* The horniness mix with intrusive thoughts and my fear of being gay / bi , so my brain is so confused, that I'm actually feeling aroused.
* or I'm actually turning gay or bisexual :-(

Now I'm on 4th day of my second NoFap attempt. I don't feel so great, I keep overthinking and searching for re-assurance.

Ok, it's getting really long, I need to stop here. If you have ANY additional questions, feel free to ask.

I would be so much grateful to hear your opinion on my case. Is my problem induced by porn? Can I turn into gay / bisexual, or is it possible that my weird arousals are fake?
Is there any way to get rid of it and cure myself?

Thank you so much for any response.

Tom
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your story. It confirms what i've been theorizing about - that masturbation is a homosexual act and that wires one fir homosexuality and away from heterosexuality. I've written about it here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...leasurable-than-having-sex-with-women.245841/

Basically, when you masturbate you are actually sexually aroused by stroking dick and since you are stroking the dick and the woman in the movie is also stroking dick, you are predominantly the woman also.

Masturbation messes with your sexual preference and your gender identity.

You also mention something very interesting on submission. This is also a female characteristic. Jerk off instructions videos and any other videos where you're told what to do chip away at yoyr masculine identity. Do not use them, even if it's a woman doing it.

The disconnect from the penis is also to be expected since you condotioned yourself to not be a man.

You are not gay or bi, you just need to stop porn and masturbation forever.

Enwar · Sep 8, 2019

Mate, this is what happens when you watch naked men having sex, even if there's a woman there. Your body puts you in the place of the man and the woman at the same time. I've always said that porn turns you gay. I am certain that this is the reason why there are so many more homosexuals today, although people will try and have you believe that there were many in the past, but that they were simply hidden. You see what porn does to men.

Your mistake was that you came to believe that this desire came up from inside of you, rather than having been "implanted", so to speak, by pornography. You knew that this didn't come from inside of you, because you felt great anxiety at first. The feelings didn't go away, so you convinced yourself that they were normal. You didn't do this because they didn't go away and so you thought they were a part of you; they didn't leave, so you simply accepted them as having always been a part of you, although you knew that this wasn't true. You might want to read that sentence a couple of times, because it's somewhat confusing.

Your problem is that you haven't gotten really close romantically with any women. I believe that a man shouldn't have sex before marriage at all, but I suggest that you look for marriage, if that's what you want, right now, although you're a little young. I don't know if this goes away at all, but I suspect that, if you just keep away from all porn at all for many years, it will; but you have to do it for a long time, is what I think. Either way, don't accept it, because it's not normal, and look for a woman.

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