Meaningful musings about my rebooting experience.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Buddhabro, Dec 24, 2017.

  1. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    It’s been 2 months since my last entry here. I’m happy to see that I achieved my goal of doubling up on my days PMO free.
    It’s gotten better, but I’m still struggling with my addiction. My mood and energy are still low, and between urges, PAWS, and flatline...it’s definitely still a challenge.
    At times, I am able to force myself out to socialize, or exercise and spend time in the sun.
    On the positive side, I got some positive attention from a very young and cute girl over the past few weeks. The negative is that I got a little too excited and felt the pain of being alone and lonely. I’m still obsessing about her, and that is triggering me to return to PMO.
    I guess I am pretty messed up and it’ll take a little longer until I can say that my life has improved because of rebooting and overcoming my addiction to PMO.
    As with my last entry, I hope I can double up on my efforts and days PMO free. I went from 60 days to 120, and now I hope I can get to 240 days.
    I really don’t “know” why I am continuing to reboot, but I do know that I don’t want to relapse. All I know is that I continue to want to just say no to PMO.
    Good luck with your rebooting, and never give up on your hope to overcome and recover from your addiction to PMO.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
  2. GottaMakeIt

    GottaMakeIt Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on your improvement! I know the obsession you speak of very well from my personal experience. During PMO addiction we receive very little attention and are not used to it - this is why we so obsess by attention during the reboot because we do not want to lose attention and therefore this "fear" is taking control over our common sense. The more you fantasize about her, the more likely you are to relapse.

    IMO the most important thing to do is to write her off in your mind in the terms of exepctations. I know it sucks but that will clear your mind from cravings. That does not mean though that you cannot talk to her or hang out with her. It is probably going to be beneficial in your recovery because your brain might release some healthy amount of dopamine, helping you to weather the storm known as anxiety, addiction and all other negativity. This is what I did. I observed the woman I am hanging out with and am searching for what I like about her - how she is relaxed,how she does not worry much about things in life or how kind of a person she is. It really seems to me when you find those things and observe in communication/relationship, your brain will reward you with healthy dopamine.

    90 days is a myth for most of us here. I think in my case it will take 6-9 months to recover from PIED (or MIED) although now I think I am free from addiction and PMO or MO cravings. I still encounter some PAWS but it is not nearly as bad as it was. By knowing it will take more time than for many people here, I relieve myself from those encumbering recovery expectations.
     
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  3. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    It’s still a little more than 24 hours until I can officially claim it, but I wanna celebrate reaching 180 days/6 months of hard mode rebooting.
    I’m not out of the woods yet, but I am heading in a new direction.
    This pursuit of living a better life by rebooting must continue for a few more weeks at least. I feel more optimistic about my recovery and potential to live a life worth living! LIVLUV!
    Just say no to PMO!
     
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  4. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @GottaMakeIt for your insightful and relevant advice. My dream of finding a loving relationship with a woman have lead to fantasies and urges to PMO.
    The fantasy nearly lead me to relapse, and despite not acting out my desire to indulge in my addictive PMO behaviors, I feel like I relapsed. :(
    I was feeling better, but today the urges and discomfort are similar to the early experiences of quitting my addiction to PMO.
    So, now I’m living the old adage that everyday is day one for me. I won’t change my counter, but I feel like I’ve failed.
    Some of us may never be the winners of life and love that we aspire to be, or once were, but we can learn to behave like winners by not giving into the urge to give up and relapse. I still have much more work to do to create a life worth living and reverting back to my addiction to PMO would not help me to feel better.
    I’m grateful to be here on NoFap fighting to overcome my addiction to PMO with all of you. Just say no to PMO!
     
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  5. GottaMakeIt

    GottaMakeIt Fapstronaut

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    From what I know, many people on this forum reported that their cravings varied during the reboot. You should not think of what you are going through as relapsing because you are simply going through reboot phase.

    Perhaps your brain is trying to trick you by forcing you to think that you relapsed, followed by the following idea "if you relapsed in your mind, why not also relapse for real?". The truth is, these cravings will subside and you will continue what you are doing as if nothing ever happened.

    Do not think of NoFap as continuous improvement. There will be good days, with some bad days in between. Setting aside your recent cravings, ask yourself: "Do I feel better now, compared to day 1?". I think you and everyone else here knows the answer. You will be fine, you also have good attitude. You just need to continue with being patient.
     
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  6. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks again @GottaMakeIt! I am going to be patient and take time to realize how long I indulged myself with PMO behaviors and appreciate how difficult it was for me to get to this stage of my reboot.
    I was away from home for a month and enjoyed the change of scenery. It was the best few weeks of rebooting I experienced in over 2 years of trying to overcome and recover from my addiction to PMO. Coming back to the place where I feel the most intense loneliness, hopelessness and depression brought me back to reality in the most unpleasant and unexpected way.
    I hope I can continue my rebooting journey and get to a place where I can live and love again better than I ever had before.
    I’d rather die than give up my dream of rebooting, recovering, and finally overcoming my addiction to PMO!
     
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  7. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    My progress in overcoming my addiction to PMO is something that I have hoped for from the beginning.
    At the start, I had trouble sleeping and great bouts of fatigue and discomfort. I didn’t expect to feel so bad, but I understood it.
    Even now, as I read posts about recovery times, PAWS, and experiences with flatline/loss of libido and anhedonia... I wonder how much better I will be after this is all over.
    In the end, no matter what, I feel blessed to be here fighting the good fight against addiction to PMO.
    Just say no to PMO!
     
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  8. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Got up at 3am and stayed up.
    I’ve had a lot of upsetting yet eye opening experiences over the past 2 weeks with family and friends. Nothing new, so I won’t rehash it here.
    In the end, I wanna be free from the hurtful emotions I have been conditioned to have and take a more positive approach.
    I decided to stay up in part to escape dreams that caused me a bit of restlessness. The positive and negative thoughts from dream episodes of the last two days and real life experiences may have driven me to feel the need to be more proactive.
    We’ll see what happens.
    Thanks @GottaMakeIt for reading and offering your honesty, advice, and support.
     
  9. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Well, I’m about to hit rock-bottom and don’t have much hope for the future, but at least I’m not running to PMO to console myself.
    I have no illusions or fantasies about having a life worth living. I’m just hoping I’m able to reboot, recover, and overcome my addiction to PMO.
    I’m choosing not to worry about what will happen to me in the future. I suppose this is the beginning of the end for me.
    I’ll continue to try and stay positive about rebooting because I don’t want to die addicted to PMO!
    Thanks and good luck to all of you!
     
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  10. GottaMakeIt

    GottaMakeIt Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, recovery can do that to you. Things have to get worse before they get better. Right before logging in here to NoFap after many days, I was just thinking of progress I made and hard moments I went through. Moments of despair, anxiety, cravings, insomnia (still going on), borderline panic, and so on. But other than insomnia and occasional cravings for MO (and not P), NoFap has paid of some nice dividends.

    Even though the recovery is taking very long (over a year now with an occasional relapse), I did get a lot better. Take just one step at a time. Enjoy life, music, relationships with people you know and do not know, learning new things, giving to others, learning about inspiring people (athletes work really well for me) and recovery will fell faster.

    There is an old proverb. If things are good, they will pass. If things are bad, they will pass too. How you decide to feel during both periods will determine how happy you really are. Good luck buddy!
     
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  11. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Highs are followed by lows and vice versa. When you feel low, don't think that as permanent. You need to be careful when you feel down because that is when you are most likely to relapse.
     
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  12. ash_cloud

    ash_cloud Fapstronaut

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    Buddhabro, you sound pretty low...take heart from the fact that you have reached your day counter...99% of people her are not able to achieve this...you obviously have grit...

    Another thing, its good you didn't reset your counter...its hard for me to believe anybody with a large streak hasn't edged etc. during the entirety of their streak..

    I would suggest you share more about your life...I think that is a big factor in making you feel low....I know this is tough, but people here can offer suggestions and share experiences that may benefit you
     
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  13. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @ash_cloud. I had shared everything here at first and deleted my story after I felt embarrassed about it.
    I got some good insights/comments, but it didn’t seem worth the risk of embarrassment.
    My story is highly unique and personal so if you want I can share it with you privately.
    Otherwise, I’m old and desperately trying to reclaim a life worth living by rebooting and trying to believe that I can have a better relationship with myself and others.
     
  14. ash_cloud

    ash_cloud Fapstronaut

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    Buddhabro, I would like to know your story and help if I can. If we all reveal ourselves, I am sure we will all feel embarrassment. I don't claim to be the most knowledgeable or successful person around, but I'd like to help.
     
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  15. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Okay @ash_cloud, I tried to rehash my story, but I was unable to do it. I started to write something but couldn’t finish so I just deleted it.
    I’m just too tired and depressed.
    I have no expectations or dream about rebooting. I just don’t want to die addicted to PMO.
    Thanks for offering to help.
     
  16. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the wise words and reminder that feelings of negativity can lead to relapse. I will remember your advice often during the holiday season through Valentine’s Day 2019.
    I was wondering how I would survive the coming weeks, and now (thanks to you) I have a little confidence that I’ll make it through.
     
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  17. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    One (or several for that matter) relapse cannot wipe out the progress you have made. You still have an upper hand. Dont let your mind go into a negative spiral of thinking and beating yourself up. This is what need to be careful about.

    Having said this, I think nofap alone may not be enough to better our lives. Nofap is only one aspect of life which helps greatly but we need to do other things in life as well to reach our full potential. We like to think that after reaching a certain number on nofap everything will be great but this not true because nothing remains constant be it good or the bad. It is better to try other things in life too like going out of comfort zone and living the life that you always wanted to live but were too afraid to take steps towards it.

    Nofap gives us strength to go out of our ways and do things we will enjoy. This is only possible when we go out of our comfort zone. Don't listen to the nagging mind. Goodluck!
     
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  18. GottaMakeIt

    GottaMakeIt Fapstronaut

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    And just to add, progress is not linear. You know, I relapsed quite a few times during recovery and even though I am not where I want to be, I overall feel a lot better. NoFap is giving me benefits and before I though it was impossible no abstain for months (even MO). Let alone losing those anxiety attacks and what not. Understand that it takes more time than anyone would want, accept it and go on.
     
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  19. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I’ve failed to control myself and continue my rebooting efforts, but I’m still hoping to actually create a life worth living and live love instead of lust.
    I lust for a loving, sexual/emotional partner; a home I can live peacefully and happily in; a vocation that can provide for me spiritually and emotionally. And although I don’t have all that I want, I’m grateful for all that I have.
    It’s obvious that the first step is learning to love myself, even when I feel unloved, unwanted, and undeserving of the life that I have always longed for.
    Restarted my rebooting efforts yesterday on the 18th of November, 2018 and would like to make it a year this time around.
    My previous streak of around 280 days left me feeling unfulfilled. I don’t want to be selfish but I’m hoping that more of my personal needs can be met in the coming year.
    I still look forward to being the person and living the life that I’ve always dreamed of.
    Thanks NoFap and good luck to you all.
     
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  20. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I’m far from feeling good about my life, but I cling onto the hope that it will be better.
    The long streak, and total number of days I spent PMO free in 2018 has been the best of my life since I first PMO’d 40 years ago.
    My pessimism, loneliness, and isolation resulted in my decision to throw away my progress and conviction to overcome my addiction to PMO. It was sad, and remains sad because it has been difficult to stay clean for longer than 2 weeks since I relapsed.
    I don’t even enjoy my PMO behaviors anymore, but I’m stuck on the realization of how I used PMO to escape my loneliness and despair.
    I’m feeling old and haunted by my thoughts about dying penniless and alone.
    I don’t need to reboot for my spouse; nor do I have the expectation of enjoying a loving relationship. Today I was told that no one would ever love me, except a man! It was during a stupid argument with a stupid person that I have been trying to help and be a friend to; but I decided I cannot continue to associate with him and have blocked him from my phone. I never thought I’d have to do anything like this, but this year I have blocked 2 people on my phone. The other was my cousin. I’m not doing it because I want to hurt them or runaway. It’s just that I realize that I have invested too much time with people and things that are not really good for me; and that of course includes my addiction to PMO.
    My goal now is to cut myself off from all the negative behaviors and relationships that prevented me from being happy with myself.
    So in 2019, I am more determined than ever to overcome my addiction to PMO.
    To anyone who is struggling with their addiction to PMO, I want to say never give up! I’m struggling alongside with you. The longer we can stay in this fight, the stronger we become. And the stronger we become, the better we’re able to fight and overcome our addiction to PMO!
    Don’t give up! Just say no to PMO! And say yes to loving yourself in 2019!
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018

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