Meditation: How it helps with PMO

Meditation is something I mention and document in my journal often. I have had several inquires about my experience and how it helps me with my NOFAP challenges, and so I thought I would write about my experience so I could direct people here when they ask about it.


Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert. I sit regularly (details of my practice can be found at the bottom of this post), but do not consider myself qualified to teach. I can, however, share my experience and what I do know in the hopes that it will prove beneficial to you.


How Does Meditation Help with PMO Struggles?


This is the burning question for most people, but before we can answer it, we need to first answer…


What is meditation and what does it do?


There are many forms of meditation, and each form has its own purpose and results. I’ve listed some reasons people meditate, followed by a dash and the name of that form of meditation for the ones I know. There are many more, but here are a few:

1.) Relax/reduce stress.

2.) Improve focus/become present – Mindfulness meditation.

3.) Develop compassion - Metta

4.) Develop equanimity (i.e. an even-temper, remain calm) – Vipassana.


Here are some other types of meditation.


I personally practice Vipassana meditation, so it is of this that I will speak. In my opinion, I believe it to be the most helpful in dealing with PMO urges. Even if you just look at the reasons I’ve listed above, you will probably agree that having an even temper is going to more directly help you deal with urges than having compassion (though I, and many other people, have found this practice to be helpful too!) My description of Vipassana meditation will be pretty general, in order to simultaneously give people a general understanding of meditation. Those of you who have sat a Vipassana 10-day course may notice that my description is slightly off from what you have experienced. The gist is the same.


As I mentioned above, the purpose of Vipassana meditation is to develop equanimity; the ability to see the world as it is, without becoming attached or averse to any aspect of it. Vipassana meditators are taught to observe some aspect of their physical experience, say their breath, a tingling on their arm, or a uncomfortable throbbing in their knees, and their objective is to observe it without judgment.

Instead of thinking, “This tingling is neat, I’m enjoying it.”, just observe it as a tingling sensation; it will pass. Instead of thinking, “My goodness, this throbbing in my knee hurts, this is so uncomfortable, I’m not enjoying this”, just observe it as a throbbing sensation; it will pass.

A vital understanding is that all things are impermanent.

If you get attached to the tingling sensation, you will be upset when it leaves. Why get upset that it’s gone? It will change into something else, maybe pleasant or unpleasant.

If you are averse to the throbbing sensation, you will be happy when it leaves. Why be happy that it’s gone? It will change into something else, maybe pleasant or unpleasant.

The same can be practiced with your thoughts. If you recognize that you’re having a hard time focusing on your breath, don’t get upset. This will pass. Your mind will eventually settle and your focus will sharpen. But wait! Don’t get too attached to a focused mind, because it will soon get agitated and your focus will dissolve. This too will change.


How does meditation help with PMO struggles?


Above I spoke specifically about Vipassana meditation, but now I’ll speak generally about meditation. I think you’ll be able to see how what is practiced in Vipassana, namely, the development of equanimity, can be helpful.


When you are attempting to abstain from PMO, urges arise. This can manifest in many ways, most saliently by passionate/erotic thoughts. Additionally, if you pay close attention, you will also notice that these thoughts are accompanied by physical sensations that can be felt on the body: increased heart rate, respiration, and perhaps some other sensation.


When you sit in meditation, you have been training for this exact experience: you are constantly observing physical or mental experiences; watching them manifest and dissipate; arise and pass away. Because, like everything else, they are impermanent, no matter how strong.

This is all you do when you sit. So, when you observe a passionate/erotic sensation manifest itself, you have been practicing for this! With time, you can just watch it arise and wait for it to pass away with equanimity. You don’t get upset that it happens or happy when it’s gone. You watch it objectively. This is the essence of meditation and how it helps you abstain from PMO.


How do I get started?


Research has shown that to get the best benefit out of meditation, one should sit 20min every day. If you can start with this, great! The most important thing is that you practice consistently; it is better to meditate 5 minutes every day than 30 minutes once a week. For this reason, I would suggest starting with an achievable goal like 5-10min every day. From my experience, the most important thing is setting aside a specific time every day. This meant I had to change my morning routine and get up a bit earlier. However, since I’ve started this, I very rarely miss a day.


AGAIN, most importantly, you need to develop a consistent, daily practice. This takes time. Don’t get frustrated if you aren’t successful right away. Also, don’t expect all your PMO problems to immediately disappear. This too takes time.


What Should I Read in Order to Learn How to Meditate


As little as possible.


Do a, “How to meditate” google search, and quickly read the first 10 sources (doesn’t matter what they are). Take what they all have in common that makes sense to you, and keep this in mind as you try to meditate. Next, decide on a period of time that you want to sit every day…maybe 10’, 20’, 30’, whatever. Once you’ve made this decision, never read anything about meditation until after you’ve sat your daily minimum. Understand by practice, by experience, before understanding intellectually.

Experiential understanding trumps intellectual understanding.

Just sit and be curious: “What will it be like if I meditate when I’m happy… when I’m sad… tired… hyper… hungry… full…etc…”. Just sit.


This cannot be overstated. Do not become over interested in how meditation works, its history, etc. Learn what it’s like to sit first, and then how meditation works, its history, etc., will have an experiential, more profound meaning.


Common Misconceptions


“I’m not very good at meditation. I can’t focus; my mind always wonders.” Someone who says this does not really understand the purpose of meditation. The purpose is to observe whatever happens, with equanimity.

This might be, and often is, a busy/distracted mind. If your mind is all over the place, at some point you will notice this. Just say, “Look at that, my mind is so busy”. Do not pass judgment, just remind yourself to bring your focus back to your focal area (most commonly your breath). My mind wonders EVERY time I sit down to meditate.

The measure of your progress in meditation is the development of your equanimity.

It should not be measured by how long you can sit for, how focused your mind is, etc...


“I don’t have a quiet place.” Again, the objective of meditation is not to focus the mind (this is an important by-product and assists with equanimity, but is not the primary focus), it is to observe whatever comes up as your mind settles naturally. If you hear noises, just observe them without passing judgment. If you can, don’t even try to guess what caused the noise. Just bring your attention back to your focal point…over…and over…again.


“I always fall asleep when I meditate.” Again, the objective…observe whatever comes up without judgment. If you doze off, once you recognize that you dozed off, bring your attention back to your focal point.


Resources


Vipassana Meditation Website – In my opinion, this is the golden standard of meditation retreats for the lay person. No payment necessary, simply give a donation of any amount when you’re finished the course. There are locations ALL over the world. It is very challenging – 10 days of no talking and 10-11 hours of meditation each day – but it’s value cannot be overstated. You will learn so much about meditation and yourself in this retreat, and I highly suggest it to ANYONE. You don’t need any meditation experience to go, and many people do go with little to no experience.


One of the greatest things about this retreat, is that it is non-sectarian. You can be a Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, etc… The retreat mentions Buddha regularly, because it is his teaching. However, remember that the Buddha did not teach Buddhism, he taught a technique. The course does not encourage you to become Buddhist or give up your religion. In fact, it encourages you to maintain your own religious or non-religious practices.


This practice/philosophy is authentic and legitimate in a profound way. I hope you check it out. It is a gem that more people could benefit from.


UCLA Guided Meditation – Some excellent guided meditations to help you get started. The 5minutes, “Breathing Meditation” is an awesome and simple introduction. The, “Complete Meditation Instructions” has really clear and simple instructions that will help you start to understand equanimity in different forms (what you feel, what you hear, what you think, etc…). As soon as you feel comfortable, start sitting without the guidance or any noise. This is more similar to what you will experience when you're not sitting.


TedTalk Video – A great video telling you some of the research that’s been done recently.


TedTalk Video – Inspirational video about meditation.


Meditation Research Article – A quick article summarizing the research that’s been done recently.


Sattipathana Sutta - This is considered the Buddha's instructions on how to meditate. It can be trying to read, so I wouldn't suggest starting with it. However, once you're established in the practice, it can be inspiring and a good resource to be familiar with.


Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Chapter 5 of this book has the best explanation of meditation that I have come across. If you want to read something solid, rather than reading things from the internet, this is a good place to start.



My Practice


I started meditating when I was in high school without any idea of what I was doing or guidance. I just sat down, closed my eyes, and tried to focus on my breath. I did this very infrequently, maybe once every three months or less, and for no longer than 20min. I did it without and music or audio guided meditation, which I strongly recommend.


A few years ago I moved to a city where there were opportunities to meditate with other people. This improved my practice to where I was sitting about 20min a day 3-5x/week. I sat my first Vipassana retreat in 2014, and since then my practice has increased to the point where I am sitting 90 – 120min every day (again, this happened gradually).


Without exaggerating, meditation is the single most enlightening, life altering practice that I do in my life (more so than exercise, nutrition, reading, etc.). Not just with my PMO struggles, but with any and all life goals that I have. Again, you have to experience this, so there is not much more I should say. Just keep sitting and be patient. If you'd like to read more about my practice and how it plays a role in my PMO journey, my journal is here.


Questions?


If you have any questions about anything you’re read here or anything else regarding meditation, please do not hesitate to send me a message. I will be happy to help as much as I can.